This post ran on June 4th, 2018, but I think the advice holds.
* * *
The inspiration for this list was a trip to Phoenix Arizona this weekend to attend the birthday party of my best friend.
10 If you are an author out of town, do not try to keep up with your e-mails. If you do, at best, in your haste, you’ll trash many e-mails that you want to read. At worst, you will delete your entire e-mail account, including the publishing contract and acceptance letter from Simon & Schuster. (They wanted to hear from you in a week, Eduardo. Oh well, maybe the next book.)
9 If you are an author out of town, do not think Tiny the WWF champ will excuse you for taking all the armrest space on the flight as you work on the next draft of your book on your computer. If you do, at best, you may lose the feeling in that arm. At worst, the plane will be diverted to an alternate airport as the Air Marshals attempt to subdue Tiny, who keeps yelling something about “limb from limb.” (You never knew Tiny had such an uneasy feeling about an arm in his face, did you, Ellis?)
8 If you are an author out of town, do not start reading the hijack scene from your book out loud during your flight. If you do at best, your whisper will be unheard. At worst, some well-meaning passenger will have you in a hammerlock before you can explain. ( I think the part about “This plane is under control of the Hamas empire got the guy upset, don’t you, Esteban?)
7 If you are an author out of town, do not try your latest dialog on a fellow bar patron. If you do, at best, you will be met with stony silence. At worst, the patron will think you are handing out a pick-up line, and your face might be met with the business end of a gin and tonic. (Wow, that was a surprise, huh Emilio? I think the bouncer is headed your way.)
6 If you are an author out of town, do not think you can openly try to explain your next book to a hapless passenger waiting for a flight in the terminal. If you do, at best, you might recognize the eye glaze in enough time to avert embarrassment. At worst, You will have gone one step over the line, and your victim will be anxiously trying to get the attention of the security folks. (Looks like the story might need a bit of rework, Edison.)
5 If you are an author out of town, do not try to place a few of your books on the airport newsstand in the terminal next to a famous author. If you do, at best, they won’t get tossed. At worst, the customer who picks up one of your books suddenly discovers they meant to get the famous author and now demands their money back. (It seems they are quite vocal, Eliot. The clerk cannot find the stock number in the register, and the security is headed this way.)
4 If you are an author out of town, do not try to crash another author’s signing just because you don’t think anyone will recognize you. If you do, at best, you will be asked to leave quietly. At worst, your next-door neighbor just happens to walk in and wonders loudly why you are there. (Looks like the author has noticed you there in the back of the room, Ewan. He is not pleased, and maybe you should not have picked an ex-SEAL author’s party to crash.)
3 If you are an author out of town, do not try to create a new story out of the location of your stay if it is commonplace. If you do, at best, it will be a dead-end story. At worst, once the story is finished, you will realize how boring the location really is. (It would have been nice to discover this earlier, huh, Elgin.)
2 If you are an author out of town, don’t think you must write every sight and conversation in your notebook. If you do, at best, you will miss an authentic experience. At worst, the guy you have been profiling might suddenly catch on. ((You have awakened a sleeping giant, Egan. Too bad the giant is in a witness protection program due to testifying against a mob boss and thinks you made him.)
1 If you are an author out of town, do not miss your flight while trying to get that last paragraph critical to your story written. If you do, at best, there is another flight in an hour. At worst, you just missed the last flight and now must spend the night in the terminal. (It looks like the only spot to sleep is on the floor, Errol. I don’t like the looks of that guy in the hoodie. Do you?)
Fiction Favorites 
#5 is my favorite of the group. It paints quite a scene!
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It does. One would almost think I tried that. 😁
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Heh, heh . . .
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😊
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These are great, John. On my flight back from Iowa, I was in the aisle seat next to a guy who could have been Tiny. No way to share an armrest. I let him have it the whole way. They say middle seat passengers should get both armrests.
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So they say especially if the person is over six feet five inches.
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And outweighs me by a good 50-60 pounds.
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That too.
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All so funny, John, but #s 8 &. 7 really got me chuckling. ‘Chuckle?’ That’s a funny word by itself…
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Do you remember Chuckles candy. Five flavors of jelly like candy covered in sugar?
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I don’t but was there a clown named Chuckles?
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Oh yeah. Scary one at that.
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Not an author, but still got a laugh out of this!
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You keep saying you are not an author but I have to respectfully disagree. 😁
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You are way too kind!!
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😁
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This makes me think authors shouldn’t be allowed on planes without supervision.
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And a leash.
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Love this, John. Your lists always amuse! 💕🙂
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I’m so glad, Harmony. Always good to hear. 😁
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Yes, indeed. The wish for fame should not override logic and cause one to be impolite.
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A profound summary of this post, Tim. 😁
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Fantastic top 10 as usual at least I’m not guilty of (m)any of them!
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That’s a good thing, Cazzy.
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This all seems like sound advice to me.
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Thank you, Doctor. 😊
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Hey no. 5 coulda worked!
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Coulda, Ha ha ha.
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😉
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guess I’m glad I’m not an author. I do write notes to my wife. I don’t think that counts.
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Depends on what the notes say.
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Ha ha …. “do not start reading the hijack scene from your book out loud” They were all funny though.
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Glad you liked it,Thomas.
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All good advice, John!
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Thank you, Denise. 😊
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Good advice, John. Even neighbors don’t know I’m a writer, and when I travel, I definitely do not mention it. Yep, I’m a classic introvert. 🙄
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The Howard Hughes of the writing world. Thanks, Gwen
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Oh, so funny, John. I wish I could do some of these things on a flight but I always end up asleep. On every single flight.
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I’m sure you could use it. I had a friend who would fall asleep immediately when the engines started.
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That’s me. I don’t even see the take off.
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I was always envious of that. I used to commute to Germany twice a month for three years and could never sleep.
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My husband is like that but he wears it well.
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Ha ha ha Good for him.
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Really funny, John! Best to Tiny.
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He sends his best to you.
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😀
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😊
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Excellent advice, John! Sounds like when the author goes out of town, he should leave the author persona at home 😉
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True. Thanks, Marie.
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I always love your “Top 10 Things Not to Do” lists. Today’s was pretty funny! 🌺😂
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Thank you, Kymber. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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Very salient advice, John. Especially the references to Tiny. 😊
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Yes, Tiny bears watching.
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I’m the travel coordinator for our upcoming Humboldt County Children’s Author Festival in October. (Our 50th anniversary) I oversee getting 25 nationally-known children’s authors here and back home over the four day event. While they’re here, they visit over 60 schools in the county. Your post is making me think of all of the things that can go wrong. 🤣
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I don’t envy you that job. Thanks for sharing, Pete.
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Kinda like herding cats?
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Number 8! 😱 A fun and timeless list, yes, and glad to hear you did not have to deal with the heat this last weekend. 😌
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Thank you, Michele. 😁
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Welcome! 🌞
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😊
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Dear John
Your top ten are always really funny.
Thanks a lot for sharing
The Fab Four of Cley
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
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I’m so glad you like them, F4oC. Makes doing them more of a pleasure. 😁
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You should never crash any kind of function. Really, you shouldn’t crash anything at all. Let Teslas and politicians do that.
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Good point, Pilgrim. Exploding Teslas and windy pols do a great job.
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They sure do.
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Stay down is all I can advise.
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Good advice
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😊
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Very entertaining, John, and true!
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Thank you, Marian. So glad you liked it. 😁
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Excellent advice, John. I can’t say I’ve done these myself – except maybe for writing down a ton of descriptions and then looking up and asking “What did I miss?”
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Ha ha ha.
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I think I’ve done #6 (um I know I’ve done it). I may have even done #10, 9, 8, and 7. I wish you’d re-posted this sooner. ;-0 🙂
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😁
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Ah, yes. Nothing worse for us editors than missed typos!
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What I have learned after being in the game for a few years is, if you’re an author (in town or out) keep your mouth shut because nobody cares one way or the other. At best, they’ll be polite and pretend to care about your latest magnum opus. At worst, they’ll tell you to get a real job that puts groceries on the table and stop thinking you’re F. Scott Fitzgerald. I’ve had both happen to me.
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I once had someone ask,”Have you written anything that I would be familiar with?” I walked away.
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Hey, John, no top ten list today? Or did you just delete me from you email list? If you did, no problem. I get that a lot.
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I am taking a break until Thursday. I made an announcement Last Thursday. I would never delete you from any list.
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Great list.
Even more than the list, your intro line, “This post ran on June 4th, 2018, but I think the advice holds” triggered some thoughts.
These days, at least where I am, a lot of people seem to be saying that we should go back to advice in ancient tomes like the Vedas and the Upanishads. They seem to believe that the current edition of humans is no good. At least he/ she can’t think. And it seems similar for most popular religions.
Now say someone in 5018 AD (if humanity makes it that far) were to publish this post and say, “This post ran on June 4th, 2018, but I think the advice holds.” That would be cool 🙂
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I had to laugh out loud at the idea of a 2018 post being good in 5018. I have to admit though, it would be cool. 😁
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This advice is as sound today as it was in 2018. 🙂
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Thank you, Mark.
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But still valuable
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