Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are in a Dentist’s Chair

~ John W. Howell
Photo by note thanun on Unsplash

 

This post ran on July 9, 2018. Since we all still go to dentists, it may be useful.

* * *

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are in a Dentist’s Chair

The inspiration for this list was a routine visit to the dentist. Like all dentist offices, I could hear what was happening in several offices around me. I listened to some funny things and made up some of my own. I hope you enjoy this list

10 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not try to answer the dentist’s questions while their hand is in your mouth. If you do, at best, your answer will be garbled and not understood. At worst, the dentist may come up missing a tool. (Yes, it is strange the dentist asks a question while you are incapable of speech, Elijah. Try to resist since that lost tool may be with you for a long time.)

9 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not listen to Tiny the WWF champ whimper in the next room. If you do, at best, it may unnerve you. At worst, Tiny may catch sight of you as he leaves and will want to make sure you won’t gossip about his lack of fortitude. (That shadow passing over you as you go from the dentist’s office, Evan, is Tiny coming up from behind. Don’t think. Just drop and roll.)

8 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask about the cost of a procedure while it is underway. If you do, at best, you won’t like the answer. At worst, the dentist may decide to give you a discount, provided you can endure the procedure with no painkillers. ( You have to wonder, Ezekiel, why he keeps asking, “Is it safe?” from the movie Marathon Man. Yes, that is you making all that noise.)

7 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not try to read your chart when the Dentist leaves. If you do, at best, you won’t understand a thing. At worst, the hygienist will walk in just as you are leaning over backward with the chart in your hands. (How do you explain yourself, Edgar? You could have just asked to see your chart.)

6 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think about the Italian sub you had for lunch. If you do, at best, you won’t open your mouth. At worst, you will try to explain your faux pas, all while the hygienist continues to spray mouthwash each time you open your mouth. (You wish the “ew” sound were a result of a different source, huh, Elliott?)

5 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not fool around with the controls. If you do, at best, you won’t get wet. At worst, you will cause possible complications from replacing the polishing tool function with a drilling tool function. (That hole in your front tooth is charming, Emmett. Maybe you can get a diamond to fit in there.)

4 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think the dentist will be right in to see you. If you do, at best, your waiting time will seem even longer. At worst, you fell asleep and drooled all over that lovely napkin under your chin. (How do you explain the wet spot to the hygienist, Edwin? Try your Quasimodo impersonation. “Here. Take whistle. That is the only thing I hear. Blow if in trouble.” They will love it.)

3 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not remind yourself about that 32-ounce Big Gulp soda you finished on the way over here. If you do, at best, you will forgive yourself for not making a restroom stop. At worst, the dental staff will think you are a crack addict, given the amount of twitching and jumping you go through as you try to manage the specter of an accident. (Why is that little voice in your head still talking about Niagara Falls, Easton? Pretty self-defeating, I would say.)

2 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not acknowledge the rumbling inside of you. If you do, at best, your explanation of the sour kraut and corned beef sandwich will fall on unsympathetic ears. At worst, you may give your body permission to vent off the building pressure. (Nothing pleases people more in a closed room, Edmund.)

1 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask to hold a teddy bear before the procedure. If you do, at best, the staff will think you are joking. At worst, you will get the bear and a chart notation to watch for an emotional break in the future. (Ever wonder why everyone talks in a whisper when you visit the office, Ezequiel?)

114 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are in a Dentist’s Chair”

  4. And I thought on # 8, that all that noise was a replay of ‘Little Shop of Horrors’!
    I see a clear distinction between # 9 and # 1. Do you think the Teddy Bear would help Tiny? oops

    Like

  8. Two weeks ago, I was at the dentist for a crown. I could have used the teddy bear, John, even after the three numbing shots. Nerve pain in the jaw sucks. It’s funny how the dentist and hygienist talks to us while our mouths are numb or full of stuff or there’s a drill or metal instrument in our mouths. I liked the dentist from years ago who would offer a headset with piped in music. No talking (or singing), just something to help soothe the nerves and not think of pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Very funny, John, with a lot of truth in there. I do not like going to the dentist, even though it’s never painful anymore. But it was when I was a kid and it’s hard to forget!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. When a dental hygienist tried to stuff a camera in my mouth which obviously didn’t fit, I asked her what x-ray equipment they used on children. She said they use the same equipment, which I simply didn’t believe. Ugh.

        Liked by 2 people

  15. During Covid, my new dental hygienist was so masked and gloved up, I had no idea what she looked like! Last year was like the big reveal.

    This post reminds me of an old Steven Wright segment where he said he had a crush on his dental hygienist, so he sat in the waiting room and ate an entire sleeve of Oreo cookies. haha! Can you imagine that smile?! 🤣 Cracks me up just thinking about it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. When I was a kid I didn’t realize I had a dentist appointment after school. I ate some licorice on the way home. My mom never asked and when we got to the dentist he almost passed out thinking the stuck licorice was a mouth full of cavities.

      Liked by 2 people

  17. No. 7?? Guilty as charged, John! Every time the hygienist leaves her chair, I’m leaning over toward the computer and trying to make sense of my x-rays. I guess they don’t mind, though, because they leave everything right there for my viewing pleasure!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Thank you for these timely tips – two days before I have a scheduled cleaning. You know, those appointments made far in advance that surprise you with how quick time flies. I will be sure to not eat an Italian sub prior. 😄

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Good list, John. Don’t you think it’s odd when the dentist shoots your mouth up, sticks all kinds of things in your mouth, and then asks you questions that require a lot of talking?

    Liked by 2 people

  26. You lost me at dentist, Boss.

    I did however, forge on bravely and read this and well . . I am guilty of having taken over the controls once. Taken over being a very kind choice of words since they really had me from the get and well, it was embarrassing.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Due to extensive radiotherapy to the neck and its after-effects, I have an industrial gagging reflex that I cannot control. The last dental receptionist used to turn up the radio as soon as she saw me. My new dentist is married to an anaesthetist, and whoop-de-doo-dah, he sends me off to la-la land and I wake up when it’s all over. Much more pleasant!

    Liked by 1 person

  29. I saw a video on instagram the other day in which a dentist was complaining about people (primarily men) licking his fingers while he was trying to work. 😆 that is probably also a no-no.

    Liked by 2 people

  32. Okay. Here’s my dentist chair story.

    This happened about a 100 years ago. I’m sitting in the chair waiting for my moment in the sun, so to speak. . No one is in the room. Suddenly from another room came the most horrible screaming. Someone was being killed. It went on and on. What torture! It was unbelievable.

    After a while, the nurse, or whatever they’re called in a dentist office came in and explained the screaming. I think the dentist sent her in to sooth me. It had been a lot of screaming.

    It turned out the patient was an old man suffering from dementia. I wasn’t bothered by the screaming. But I was bothered my the nurse’s good looks. While we waited for the dentist, I got her phone number. It was the beginning of a hot romance. It didn’t last long, but we both had a lot of fun. And I do mean fun. Her name was Jane Pass. What kind of cool name is that!?

    Liked by 2 people

Comments are closed.