Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

This post ran on October 28th, 2019. I think it still may have some merit.

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Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text

10 If you are texting, do not say, “Will you marry me?” If you do, at best, your intended battery has failed. At worst, your reply will be a short and sweet “Kiss off.” (You see, Jayyed, marriage is a serious thing. Your casual approach does not instill confidence that you would make the right partner.)

9 If you are texting, do not say “yes” to Tiny, the WWF champ, when he wants to buy you a couple of rounds. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t be able to find you. At worst, when you meet Tiny at the gym, you suddenly understand that he wasn’t talking about drinks. (Well, here you are, Jedd. I would lie back during the rounds and try not to break any bones.)

8 If you are texting, do not tell someone a family member has passed. If you do, at best, your server will be down. At worst, the news will not be taken well. (So now you are responsible for another mental breakdown, Jedidiah. It’s no wonder they are not speaking to you anymore.)

7 If you are texting, do not tell someone you are breaking up with them. If you do, at best, they didn’t like you anyway. At worst, you now have a lifelong enemy. (Way to go, Jennis. This could have gone so much better face-to-face. How did that boiling bunny get on your stove anyway?)

6 If you are texting, do not answer the text and photo that asks, “How do I look in this?” If you do, at best, you’ll say, “Great.” At worst, you’ll try and be helpful. (Admitting that hat looked ridiculous has just earned you a cold night in the dog house, Jensen. You see, that was the favorite  pick.)

5 If you are texting, do not send an “I’m mad at you” text. If you do, at best, the recipient has turned off their phone. At worst, the recipient will become very defensive. (So how are you going to patch this up, Jeremias? You weren’t all that angry in the first place, and now you have WWIII on your hands.)

4 If you are texting, do not ask, “What do you like about me?” If you do, at best, the response will be something you like. At worst, the answer will be something like, “You have a great personality.” (What did you expect, Jerett? This is not the kind of question to put in a text. You are lucky you didn’t get a compliment on your deodorant.)

3 If you are texting, do not ask where the relationship is going. If you do, at best, the recipient will call you. At worst, you might get a reply like, “To Milwaukee.” (Well, I guess you could have predicted that response, Jerico. What did you want the person to say in a text message? HUH? Dope.)

2 If you are texting, do not send a message with the words “I love you” for the very first time. If you do, at best, the recipient will think you are drunk. At worst, the recipient will get the idea you cannot face commitment in person. (That was a lousy idea, Jerren. Let’s hope an in-person statement will undo the damage. You are a bit of a clod, though.)

1 If you are texting, don’t send a message that has drama around it, like, “Where were you last night?”. If you do, at best, the recipient will delete it. At worst, you’ll get a response that you hate. ( “I was out with Bill” is something you didn’t expect, huh, Jerrick? I guess that will learn ya.)

71 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Text”

  1. All good advice. This is before texting, but I was once told I no longer had a job via email. I’m sure if texting would have been available she would have used it. So number 11 could be, Don’t lay staff off via a text message.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. My use of texting is purely utilitarian (“Running late. Be there soon”, etc.) so I think I’m safe. I save my “shouldn’t have said thats” for real-life conversations!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. When you could first get internet on planes, I was texting with my wife and daughter (in a group) when we began our decent (right before WiFi was turned off) I texted “Going down now.” I guess that should have been “beginning our descent.”

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Yes there are certain things you should not say using a text message. The list is both funny and good advice. However, I can think of even worse things to say in a text, but I would never write them in a comment.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Masterful, John! A confession, I don’t like to text — but my kids text. 🙄 By the time I stumble out an answer to their message, I’m sure they’ve forgotten what they wanted or told me. And I’m not kidding. 😄

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Good ones, John. Asking someone what they like about you is asking for trouble. They might be speechless or insincere. Things could get awkward right away.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. My takeaway on this is: If you’re texting, don’t.

    Poor Alex Bell is turning in his grave thinking, “I went to all the trouble of inventing the damn phone and no one uses it anymore.”

    “Watson, come here. I want to see you.”

    Liked by 1 person

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