Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Snow in the South

~ John W. Howell

This idea was initially posted in December 2017. At the time, it was because it snowed in South Texas for the first time in many years. With the latest Arctic cold front moving lower in the US, there are forecasts of snow in the South once again. So here is a revised list of what not to do in the snow in the South.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Snow in the South

10 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you can drive to the store. If you do, at best, you may find yourself in a ditch. At worst, your erratic driving may cause a pile-up on the beach road, which won’t clear till spring. (Twenty miles an hour was a bit too fast for conditions, huh, Cyrek?)

9. If you live in the South and it snows, do not throw snowballs at strangers. If you do, at best, you’ll hit one, and they will laugh. At worst, you will hit Tiny, the WWF champ, right after he left his respect support group meeting. (It looks like Tiny took the snowball in the face as a sign of disrespect. I think you should begin running now, Cyril.)

8 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you can wear flip-flops as usual. If you do, at best, your feet will turn blue. At worst, you will find your condition being discussed by a group of interns at the local ER. (Do the words frostbite and amputation bother you, Cyrano?)

7 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think the rest of the world wants to hear about it. If you do, at best, you’ll get a lot of disconnects. At worst, you’ll describe the beauty and unusual snow to your cousin in Fargo, North Dakota, who hasn’t been out of the house for six weeks due to the snow. (Wonder why he’s calling you all those names? It’s cabin fever, Cyan.)

6 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you have to rush to the store to clean the shelves of bread, milk, water, and bathroom tissue. If you do, at best, you’ll get the moniker of the village idiot. At worst, you will be just checking out when you notice the snow has all melted, making your hour trip to the store and your massive horde unnecessary. (Did you check the weather report, Crespin? Why are those people pointing and laughing?)

5 If you live in the South and it snows, do not demand your 7:00 am tee time. If you do, at best, the pro will not let you play. At worst, you’ll set the course record for the most lost balls and the highest score. (White on white is a difficult thing to see. Right, Courtney. When you do see them, frozen shots don’t go that far, do they?)

4 If you are in the South and it snows, do not continue with your plans for a beach party. If you do, at best, everyone will stay home. At worst, those that do come will end up not at the beach but in your house. (Ever try to roast hot dogs and do smores in the fireplace, Corwin?)

3 If you are in the South and it snows, do not think you can drive without cleaning your windshield and rear window glass. If you do, at best, the snow might blow off. At worst, you won’t be able to see well and might hit someone. (The policeman you ran into is lecturing you loudly about how dangerous it is to drive without being able to see while he is writing the ticket. He is about finished, Conell.)

2 If you are in the South and it snows, do not think you have to plan a dinner like you live in the Antarctic. If you do, at best, the snow will leave before you start cooking. At worst, you’ll serve the Hoosh, Pemmican, Sledging biscuits, Marmite, and hot coffee meal as the temperature reaches seventy degrees. (I never saw folks sweat so much while they ate, did you, Cnute?)

1. If you are in the South and it snows, Do not think you can wait to make a snowman. If you do, at best, there will be a little snow left to work. At worst, you and the kids will be all bundled up, only to find nothing but water. (It’s Hard to make a water person, isn’t it, Clifton?)

92 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Snow in the South”

  3. It was exactly 47 years ago [yesterday] that it snowed here in south FL. A neighbor knocked on my door, waking me up and low and behold snow was whipping around his head. I thought the Twilight Zone finally came to life!!

    Liked by 3 people

  13. John, we in Central Illinois are only too happy to share this misery with y’all. Of course you realize we’ve had it going on for most of January already, and we realize you *might* have to put up with it for a day. Two, at most. Great list, but don’t forget to warn them NOT to toss a pan of hot water onto their windshields to melt the ice!

    Liked by 2 people

  16. You know, they do have those fluorescent balls now… if the need to play is so great!

    And, frankly, if it snows in the south, best to stay home where it is safe!

    Always a fun romp with you, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. These are SO true, John. I was amazed the first time we had snow after we moved to NC. You’d have thought the apocalypse was coming. Grocery stores were denuded, and cars were upended in ditches like checkers. No one here knows how to drive in snow or sleet, but they’re all determined to do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. A lot of good advice but #10 – definitely yes. I learned how to drive on snow and ice in Sweden but it’s different. Here there are not many salt/sand/plow trucks, you don’t have snow tires, and people don’t know how to drive on ice and snow and even if you do that is not safe considering the others.

    I remember going up an icy hill. I knew that I needed to speed up before the ice patch to glide over it, but the car in front of me did not, so he slammed the brakes right before the ice patch started. Luckily we did not have a collision but I did not get up the hill very quickly. I had to back down and wait for him to get out of the way before I could do it my way.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I enjoyed your list, John. I grew up in the snow and loved it. Of course, things are a little different when you’re a kid. We used to go around pushing people out of ditches, etc. for a couple of bucks.

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  30. Good advice John. That photo looks a lot like one I saw today of Florida. The whole world is spinning with wrong weather. Who know, one day Toronto may be the tropical part. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  32. I live in Barcelona now, and it rarely snows here, but I remember an episode when I was 17 or 18 and a girl decided to throw a snowball and it his a policeman… Nothing major happened, but she was seriously reprimanded. Thanks, John, for another fun (and accurate) post!

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