Photo by Trnava University on Unsplash
This list was published on October 21, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we all go to the library, I hope it will be helpful.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Library
10 When at the library, refrain from using the stacks in the archived periodicals section to conduct an amorous liaison. If you do, at best, few, if any, people browse those stacks. At worst, at least one lonely doctoral student will trip over you while you are in flagrante delicto with the potential of causing you great distress.
9 When at the library, do not try to sneak in food and drink from anywhere, much less a fast food restaurant. If you do, at best, no one will catch you. At worst, the aroma (or odor) of greasy burgers and fries will likely draw a sizeable crowd to where you are hiding, all of whom will want a bite of your lunch or, if you’re gone, you.
8 When at the library, do not try the patience of the reference librarian by asking questions like, “So, who first discovered drinking milk from a cow?” At best, the librarian will point you to animal husbandry stacks. At worst, the librarian will pull out a cattle prod and demonstrate its use … on you.
7 When at the library, do not think it is okay to talk loudly on your cellphone just because you found a “quiet” corner away from other patrons. If you do, at best, sound carries, and the librarian will shush you. At worst, you may get to finish your call before they find you, but it could be the last call you ever make in that library once the librarians are finished with you and possibly your firstborn.
6 When at the library, do not use library staff as free babysitters. If you do, at best, they won’t call Child Protective Services. At worst, they will be so tired of breaking up squabbles, assisting your two-year-old to the toilet for a lesson in potty training, or chasing after the 5-year-old boy who insists on running through the stacks to burn off the high sugary breakfast you gave him that morning that the librarians might (literally) rope you into a game of dancing around the May Pole, with you as the pole.
5 When at the library, do not commandeer the computers in the children’s section to play games that were unavailable when you were a kid. If you do, at best, the children will sulkily go away to another room. At worst, the children will return with both parents (one of whom is a professional wrestler) and the head librarian in tow, and you will quickly find yourself bouncing down the library steps.
4 When at the library, do not think anyone would think it is funny or entertaining for you to take every copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex and put them alongside The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Calculus, the Bible, and Mastering the Art of French Eating. If you are caught by a librarian, at best, you will likely have to unstack and restack the Fiction section fifty times for penance. At worst, an embarrassing request for a date.
3 When at the library, do not return DVDs or CDs without first checking and cleaning them if necessary. It would only be a matter of time before the librarians figure out that you are returning DVDs and CDs after you’ve used them to play Frisbee with your cats or as coasters at your Saturday Margarita fest. Once you’re found out, at best, you’ll likely be sent to the basement where they will make you clean every DVD and CD in their collection. At worst, you’ll be required to rewind every cassette with a pencil and videotape with an old VCR that keeps blowing a fuse.
2 When at the library, do not drop off your soiled and smelly paperbacks and magazines as donations. Before long, the library patrons will associate the odd cat-wizz smell from the donations bin with the same smell that consistently comes from your shoes. (Dear kitties, love the warmth of your shoes, and they seem to hold a lot.) At best, they will have security bar you from dropping off your donations before you even enter the door. At worst, you will be forced to clean every one of your donations until their smell no longer causes people to wrinkle their noses and sneeze.
1 When at the library, do not stack towers of books on a table, peruse a few, and then just walk away. It may be the librarian’s (low-paying) job to return books to the stacks, but to horde books without any concern for the other patrons will cause you to fall into disfavor among the librarians. At best, they will simply shoot you nasty looks as they retrieve your tower of books. At worst, they will make a wall of said books and bury you behind it in the company of the convicted felon doing community service.
Fiction Favorites 
Good one, John!
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Thank you, GP.
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The amount of times I’ve seen number 6 and 7 broken is insane.
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I have the same experience. Thanks, Charles.
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So good! #9…why would someone think that munching on a bag of potato chips slowly in the library makes no sound. We hear you, buddy!!
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Not only do we hear you, but we are coming over there for those sour cream and onion chips. Thanks for the tip-off, Lois.
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The thought of anyone trying any of these things amazes me. Of course, I’m of the generation that was trained to regard libraries as more sacred than churches. If we’d tried eating or talking (or anything else listed) we were sure the Great God of Books would strike us dead.
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That is how I was raised as well. Thanks, Linda.
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People are different these days. I like the ones who talk on speaker phone everywhere.
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I would love to lean over their shoulder and join in on the conversation. So rude they are.
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I went to the school when my daughter was learning to be a hairdresser. One of the customers told us all to be quiet because she was about to start her podcast about getting her hair done.
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Oh my.
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A very wise list. Unfortunately, there are those who have no regard for their fellow people!
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I would say most are in that category.
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Sadly!
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Yes, sadly
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I’m in a book club with librarians – and they’ve got some interesting stories, lol.
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I’ll just bet they do. 😀
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Humorous and true:)
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Thank you, Becky
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Always my pleasure, John!
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😊
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Good ones, John. You sure don’t want to be prodded at the library!
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Yeah, it hurts, and in the library, the sounds of your screaming are even more amplified.
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And don’t make any embarrassing body sounds while in the reading room, it’s way too quiet to go unnoticed and your nickname, ‘Stinky’, might stay with you through all adolescence. Just ask my best friend.
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Ha ha ha. Stinky. Boomer could be another.
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I’m glad that you have a sense of humor (SoH, as techies would write) because I can’t stop myself from writing inane stuff. I even laugh, myself.
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I would wonder if you didn’t laugh at what you write.
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😁
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Loved the last one – I’ve observed (not made) a few of those stacks, but the cell phone one is incredibly irritating.
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Yes, it is. Thanks, Noelle
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I should speak – my phone went off in church yesterday!
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Ha ha ha
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There are so many people who need to read your wise words, John. It’s crazy the amount of times you see people eating, talking on phones, etc.
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Seems like we have lost the meaning of manners
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Sadly we have.
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Yes.
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So many rules in your library. LOL!
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Yes, indeed.
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I’ll bet most of these actually happen!
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I’m sure of it. 😀
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These are great, John! I especially laughed at the cat pee one. lol
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Thank you, Kymber.
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Do people really do these things?? I’m probably showing my age (certainly my upbringing!), but I’d never consider any of them! Libraries are right up there with churches.
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Do people really do these things?? I’m probably showing my age (certainly my upbringing!), but I’d never consider any of them! Libraries are right up there with churches.
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I agree with you, Debbie. Yes, folks do these things.
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Your detailed list makes me appreciate my local librarians even more. Thank you!
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Yes, they could be as near to saints as we get in this world.
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True. 😇
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😊
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If you’re going to bring in fast food or get amorous, it best involve the librarian . . . or else. It’s not wise to mess with librarians. They know how to get away with murder, and they’re never brought in for questioning, because they’re librarians.
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I think this is excellent advice., Pilgrim.
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I might have ventured into one or more of these scenarios before.
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I can just imagine.
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Extremely good list, especially number 6. Some of them may be a bit farfetched based upon my 30 something years of experience. I hate people that dump boxes out ye very olde stuff at the library entrance when the library is closed. Bound to immediately ruin any goodwill you thought you had!!! 📚📚📚
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Far-fetched = fiction. Thanks, Pat.
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Very funny list this week, John. I especially like #4. Nothing like trying to smuggle sex books past the quality control or your parents. 🤣
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Who ever did that? Thanks, Pete.
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delightful : the things people get up to 🙂
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I know, Right. Thanks, John.
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That is a funny list. Now a day I typically buy my books but when I was young I always went to the library. Like #2 implies, when you donate books and CD/DVDs they need to be in decent shape.
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Or return those you borrow. Thanks, Thomas
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A terrific list, John. The branch library near my house is such a great place to visit and I love all the well behaved kids who respect this beautiful 105 year old Carnegie building. And the staff are friendly, helpful and oh-so kind. Nice job, sir.
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A great report on your local library, Monika. Sounds like a great place to visit. Thanks.
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Thanks. It’s one of the prettiest Renaissance libraries I’ve ever seen. Love it when it’s full of small children enjoying the benefits of reading.
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It would be lovely to see.
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I don’t recall breaking any of these, John. Well, maybe the food thing in the Chemical Research Library when I was in collage, but…
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Yeah, maybe the food one. Thanks, Dan
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I really liked #1.
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There is a story there. Met this guy in our library back in California who was doing community service. He would scare the pants off you looking at him. He was the most well-read and kindest guy. Don’t know what his crime was, but it looked like he had paid his debt.
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I remember working as a library assistant back in the 1980s. Mothers would drop their kids off for me to read them a story, and take their time coming back in from the park next door. There was also one particular pervy man who only used the library to do upskirting, and ended up named, shamed and banned.
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Upskirting at the library? Glad he was banned.
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Yes, at the library. What a perv he was!
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I would say. 😳
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Library? Sad, but trying to remember when I last went to one 😦 Browsing has acquired an entirely diff meaning now.
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I have to admit it has been a while for me too.
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So funny, John. Still laughing at the cattle prod.
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I just had that vision and had to write it down. 😀
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It worked!
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😊
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The DVDs as coasters and frisbees! We’ve seen a couple that we would have sworn were used that way. The hoarding books reminded me a bit of the telltale heart story, but a wall of books instead of bricks.
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I like your imagination, Rebecca. 😊
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