Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash
This post was published in November of 2013 by me and Marie Ann Bailey. Since the summer camping season is coming up, it may be handy.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When Camping at a Primitive Campsite
10. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to pack a sufficient amount of toilet tissue for your stay. If you do forget, at best, you’ll enjoy not having the extra weight. At worst, the pleasure of the lightness of the backpack will soon give way to panic after you’ve overeaten on the wrong kind of berries.
9. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not store your food in your tent, thinking it will be more protected from the elements there. If you do, at best, only a coterie of raccoons will steal your pistachio nuts and proceed to eat them loudly in the surrounding bushes at midnight. At worst, a hungry bear will think your leg looks more delicious than the smell of the beef jerky in the pack that you are using as a pillow.
8. If you camp at a primitive campsite and want to explore some of the nearby hiking trails, do not forget to bring a topographical map of your camping area. If you forget, at best, Google Maps may not be up-to-date on the hiking trails around your campsite, and you may wind up walking in circles while your iPhone quickly burns its battery. At worst, the Google map didn’t warn you about the five-hundred-foot drop you encountered on the way to the trail below. Calling for help seems futile at this point.
7. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring plenty of waterproof Band-Aids for blisters. No matter how many layers of socks you wear and how well-broken in your boots may be, you are likely to suffer at least one blister. Without band-Aids, at best, you can expect to spend the rest of your camping trip hopping around in burning pain. At worst, you will find yourself trying to apologize to your hiking partner for having to carry you the last five miles.
6. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to bring a water filtration system in case you run out of potable water. The water in the creek near your campsite may look clean and pure, but without a filtration system, at best, you may end up wishing you had brought more toilet paper. At worst, you might be the talked-about guest of the local ER.
5. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not carry a gun, thinking it will protect against any wild animals you may encounter. If you do, at best, it isn’t hunting season, and you have no right to shoot anything. At worst, you risk shooting your own foot when you awake to a leg cramp in the middle of the night and think it is a bear gnawing at your calf.
4. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget insect repellent. If you do, at best, the mud in the swamp applied liberally can ward off mosquitoes. At worst, all your hiking friends have left since the swam mud scent keeps triggering their gag reflex.
3. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not think this is the best time to break in those new Keen Ketchum hiking boots you bought for $160. If you do, at best, you’ll have the band-aids handy. At worst, your feet will be driven so crazy by the painful blisters that you will throw your new hiking boots and maybe yourself off the nearest cliff.
2. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not try to make like Grizzly Adams and befriend any orphaned bear cub or other wildlife you come across. If you do, at best, the bear is orphaned. At worst, the bear cub is not orphaned, and its mama is within smelling distance of you. Now, you find yourself trying to explain to a very impatient mama bear why you have her precious cub in your hands. Best drop the cub and run.
1. If you camp at a primitive campsite, do not forget to take out what you pack in. If you do forget, at best, a friendly ranger will remind you. At worst, you might find yourself in a situation like a Far Side cartoon where the deer and the bear join forces to wipe every trace of you from their habitat.
Fiction Favorites 
Many reasons a for me to stay home.
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I agree. 😀
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All good advice, John. Number 8 had me laughing, but by the time I got down to # 1, I realized Tiny didn’t make an appearance. Did a bear get him? 🐻
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Poor Tiny was a late edition. I would say in 2015 or so. I’ll tell him you missed him. 😊
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Make sure nothing is in his hand when you do!!
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Good advice.
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Your post had me laughing John, I would love to go camping right now…
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I’ll bet. Glad you got a laugh. 😊
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so am I John, I really needed one…
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😊
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#2 might require you to have even more toilet paper.
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Ha ha ha. So right.
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And those bandages aren’t quite big enough for TP.
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True. 😀
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I’ve never camped and have no interest in trying it – for many reasons above, lol.
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I don’t blame you at all. 😀
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Even non-campers can profit from much of this advice, especially that involving bandaids, blisters, and hiking boots. As for #9’s advice about keeping food well away from the ground (let alone the tent), I might put that one at #1!
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ps: much of this applies to cruising, too. There are stories, like the one about the night in Port O’Connor when the raccoon boarded and stole the Pepperidge Farm cookies.
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Oh no. What a buzz kill. Probably Milanos too.
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You’re right. I love Milanos. If you haven’t tried the new lemon version, I highly recommend it.
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I have not tried them. I guess I should.
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It is very important, for sure. Thanks, Linda.
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I never have and never will do this. But thanks for the laughs. If there is not a front desk check-in, I’m not interested.
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I am like you. I can skip the front desk, but room service is a must.
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Sound advice. At my age, primitive camping is totally out of the picture. If I can’t have a real bed, I’m not going! 🙂
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I think the last time I did primitive camping was when I was 12 years old.
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I’ve never been keen on camping and I’m definitely not now!
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I’m with you. In fact, if I slept on the ground, I would need an EMT team to get me up.
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😂😂
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😀
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No more primitive camping for me!
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Nor me. 😀
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Very good advice, John 👍🏻
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Thank you, Robbie.
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Good advice, John. It reminds me why I quit camping in my old age, and also brings out some good memories of camping up in Canada.
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I’m with you on the old age camping.
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I am not a camper … and this post confirms my intent not to start! Besides the challenges of unwanted bugs and critters, the idea of sleeping outdoors gives me the willies!
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I’m with you. The joke about roughing it, is no room service, describes my mentality.
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Very good advice for the adventurous backpackers. Especially the mosquito spray. We went from hiking into remote sites to going by car to fairly wild sites with no running water. The last time, after we had set up our two man mountain tent, two large campers parked on either side of us. Kids emerged and used flashlights to see us inside the tent.
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Nasty kids for sure.
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Yup and it was hot so we weren’t wearing much at all. 😉
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😊
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Good advice, John, especially #6, that one made me laugh. I had to replace my hiking boots last November. I knew our daughter and I would be walking and climbing steps in Pittsburgh, and I did a lot of walking to break them in (I also took band-aids).
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I did not hear of any blister problems, so it sounds like you were successful.
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No blisters, but 175 steps does a job on the back of my thighs.
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I’ll bet. Ouch.
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#9 is an important one. People have died that way.
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Yes, they have. Thanks, Thomas.
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Lots of plusses and minuses to camp at primitive campsites. We haven’t camped in years, but I have a feeling we’ll give it another go when our grandson gets old enough to take.
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That will be fun for him for sure.
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Hee, hee…primitive camping? Isn’t that like staying at a Holiday Express? 😆
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Or a Day’s Inn. 😀
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🤣 Gasp!
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I know, right? 😳
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Those are great guidelines, and probably why I haven’t camped in a long time!
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I agree. I haven’t either.
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Just proves that my dislike if camping is reasonable.
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Very reasonable.
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Like #3 about the boots. Reminds me of the memoir Wild.
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Haven’t read it. Thanks, Rebecca.
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Helpful tips! Now I want to go camping. 🏕️
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You will excuse me if I don’t share that idea, Michele. 😊
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😂👍🏻
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😊
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Really funny!
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Great!!!😊
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Did this once as a teenager. Never again.
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Totally agree. I think I was 12 when I gave it up.
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It’s amazing how many people believe wildlife is simply a term and not reality. The only Cubs you can mess with and win live in Chicago.
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I like that. 😀
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🙂
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Sorry for the silly question, but exactly how is a non-primitive campsite different from a Primitive Campsite? Would that not be called a hotel?
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A primitive campsite has no running water or facilities—just you and the ground. A non-primitive campsite has shower facilities and running water.
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Thank you, John! Not much familiarity with camping in our neck o’ the woods 😦
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Always a pleasure to talk about habitual American behavior. 😀
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After reading #s 10 thru 1, rest assured I’ll never set food in a primitive campsite.
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I don’t blame you. Besides, the Heineken supply might run short.
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For used toilet paper, please either pack it out (gross, but nobody wants to find dirty tp in the woods) or bury it in a hole 6 inches deep. Another option is a back country bidet. These are getting popular with backpackers. They attach to a water bottle and you just squirt away the ick when you’re done.
For pee, you can skip toilet paper. Get a Kula cloth for $20 instead. It’s antimicrobial on the side you wipe with and a cute pattern on the other. You attach it to the outside of your pack when not using it. Just throw it in the laundry with your undies when you get home. For anyone who sees someone (usually female) with a small folded triangle attached to their pack, that’s probably a Kula cloth.
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Great suggestions, Frankie. Thanks
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