Photo by Gary Lopater on Unsplash
This list was authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me, and ran on June 16th, 2014. Since people still travel by airplane, it might prove to be useful.
Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling by Plane
10. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can fake being 75 or older so you won’t have to take off your shoes, since you are self-conscious about foot odor. If you do, at best, the TSA agents will just roll their eyes as you stoop and shuffle over, and then will patiently insist that you remove your shoes since your ID makes it clear that you are not as old as you claim. At worst, the TSA agents will decide that you must have some mental health issues and flag you as someone to be examined in the TSA office, which causes you to miss your plane and totally gross out the TSA agents in the small examination room with your smelly feet.
9. When traveling by plane, do not expect that the happy, cooing baby seated behind you will remain happy and cooing once the plane takes off. If you do, at best, the parents will attend immediately to the baby whenever it starts to cry. At worst, the parents will ignore the baby, as apparently they always do, and it will be your eardrums that will suffer more from the baby’s ear-splitting screams than from the change in cabin air pressure that is causing the screaming.
8. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the carry-on bag you bought online for half price will actually fit in an overhead bin. If you do, at best, you’ll be the first to wedge your bag into the bin and can ignore the other passengers whose bags are smaller but unable to fit because your bag is so large. At worst, a big guy named Tiny will pull out your bag, drop it in your lap, and put his own in. You’ll be stuck having to check your oversized carry-on at the last minute unless you foolishly want to argue with Tiny.
7. When traveling by plane, do not think you can escape screaming babies by hiding in the lavatory. If you do, at best, you’ll only face a long line of angry passengers when you finally come out as the plane is preparing to land. At worst, the flight crew will summon an air marshal and forcefully extricate you at a most inconvenient moment.
6. When traveling by plane, do not think you can time your use of the lavatory to coincide with the smoothest part of the flight. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky and only be slightly jostled about on the toilet as the plane hits some minor turbulence. At worst, the plane will hit an air pocket, causing the plane to drop sharply, you to accidentally open the lavatory door as you grab the handle for stability, and the flight crew to be forever marred by an image of your blue water-colored naked bottom half.
5. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the passenger behind you won’t mind if you put your seat all the way back. If you do, at best, that passenger and all the ones behind will be doing the same thing, causing a strange but convenient domino effect. At worst, the passenger behind you will show displeasure by choosing that time to pitch forward and have a sneezing fit over your head, making you wish you had brought an umbrella.
4. When traveling by plane, do not think it would be a fun idea to tease your fellow passenger’s cat while the passenger is in the lavatory. If you do, at best, the cat will only hiss and growl as it backs into the corner of the pet taxi when you stick your fingers through the grate. At worst, you’ll have a lot of explaining to do to the flight attendant and your fellow passenger when you ask for help in retrieving your hand from PsychoKitty’s clamped jaw.
3. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can imbibe several alcoholic drinks and somehow be sober when your 10-hour flight ends. If you do, at best, the flight attendant will be aware of your naiveté and water down your drinks so you can disembark without assistance. At worst, you drink yourself into a Bermuda Triangle stupor and wake up hours later in a TSA office, strapped to a wheelchair and not having answers to the questions being asked by Fritz, the head interrogator.
2. When traveling by plane, on your return flight, do not think your fellow passengers will find it amusing if you sing along with the movie Happy Feet, which you’ve seen several times already. If you do, at best, all the passengers will choose to use headsets to tune you out. At worst, you may be faced with a mass passenger mutiny, where walking the plank takes on new meaning at thirty-five thousand feet.
1. When traveling by plane, do not pull an Alec Baldwin and insist on taking a cell phone call just when the captain requests that everyone turn off their phones and other electronic devices. If you do, at best, a flight attendant will gently but firmly take your phone away from you and refuse to return it until your plane has landed. At worst, the captain and flight crew will pay a personal visit to your seat and escort you off the plane (after landing, if you are lucky), totally ignoring your claim to be a very important person.
Fiction Favorites 
Love it!! It’s been a while since I flew [and I miss it], I’ll keep these in mind. lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, please do, GP. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good to see Tiny, John. #9 reminded me of a flight to Orlando (me for business, everyone else for Mickey) where parents had put their two kids in the row behind them (with me). After several attempts to control the kids with dirty looks and polite requests, the flight attendant switched me with one of the parents. This list is mostly still valid (and I don’t miss flying).
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am with you on the flying part. While working, I took a flight about once a week. I pretty much hated it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Back in the late 80s, my boss and I were on a flight. While standing in the aisle, he turned to me and said: “Welcome to the modern bus.” The sad part is how much worse it got after that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I remember when it was not that bad. It is now bad.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You were popping on all four cylinders with this list. Having just flown cross country and back within a week, you hit on all of the possible combos (crying baby and domino affect of reclining seats). No psycho kitty, drunk passenger, or exposed derrierre to the best of my knowledge, but the return flight included several periods of slight bumpiness.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, you are back. That is all that counts. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
👋🤣👋🙃
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why do plane seats go all the way back anyway?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have found they only go so far but far enough to be annoying. I wish there were no way to recline.
LikeLiked by 1 person
💯💯💯
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just some of the many reasons I hate to fly!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m with you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bwahahahaha…#6 made me giggle out loud. Thanks for the smiles.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Always good to hear a smile was born. Thanks, Monika.😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lots of wise words there. And I’ve had many an inconsiderate person recline their seat in front of me. Wish I could have shown them this, John.
LikeLiked by 1 person
See, you are so kind. I wish we could drop a custard pie on them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😂😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s been so long since I flew anywhere, but your list reminds me why I didn’t enjoy it. Screaming babies, people odor, cramped conditions — and we have to pay money to “enjoy” that? No thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, I agree. They ought to pay us for the torture.
LikeLiked by 1 person
All solid advice here, John. True story – flying to Florida for our honeymoon the person next to us got sick. I suspect they had too much alcohol, but we didn’t stay in the seats long enough to ask after that. The flight crew was kind enough to relocate us to the business section for the balance of the flight. I never hated flying when called to do so, but I could never, ever, ever do it on a regular basis.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That must have been nice to be in business. I flew almost every week and ended up hating it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s nice to know that the 75+ crowd can keep their shoes on. 😄 I’d forgotten about that. Great list, John!
LikeLiked by 2 people
My last trip I had to take them off since my titanium knee set off the alarm. Was a first. Thanks, Gwen 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
I bet you had fun with that awakening. Hope the police didn’t rush you. 😄
LikeLiked by 1 person
They were very kind to an old guy. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good advice, John. Yes indeed, pay attention to the suggestions while traveling by plane.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, we do, Tim. Thank you. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ll take your word for all of these!
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
I must be a great passenger because I am mindful not to put my seat all the way back and I never drink alcohol while flying. As for the latter, not partaking only gives me something to look forward to later.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hear you on the alcohol and the seat.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hardly ever put my seat back unless the flight is 4 hours or more. Great advice!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Noelle.
LikeLike
It’s been a while since I’ve traveled by plane, but when did they start allowing cats on airplanes?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Any animal certified as a support animal is permitted. Except for obvious hoaxes such as hippos and alligators.
LikeLike
Don’t mess with Tiny. Great advice, John.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Jennie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome, John.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good list as always, John. Flying is getting more challenging all the time. We have a trip planned next month. I sure hope all the air traffic controllers are back at work. I’m always amazed by what it must take logistically to keep everyone safe and planes running on time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope they are back as well, Pete. This would mean this shutdown foolishness is over.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is fantastic! I just flew last week and wish I had seen this before 🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was a little late. Well maybe next time it will be handy. Thanks for the visit and comment, Jody.
LikeLike
Thank you for the helpful (and humorous) info. #8-Those carryon suitcases are shrinking in size.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank heavens. I bought one that gives me two weeks but still fits in the overhead. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nice! 👍
LikeLiked by 1 person
“When traveling by plane, do not assume that the passenger behind you won’t mind if you put your seat all the way back. “….that’s an eternal source of conflict, especially with the ever shrinking seat sizes. It is polite to ask, in case the passenger behind you is eating, is holding a baby, have very long legs, or is working on his computer.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wish the airlines would just lock the seats in the upright position. There is not enough room to make reclining any more comfortable than upright, and certainly would save my knees.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes I agree with you
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good point. Perhaps a slightly reclined position should be the standard, with the passenger able to straighten it for eating etc. That way it will get no worse during the flight.
But great list. I bet most flyers would have encountered each of these situations at least once.
LikeLiked by 1 person
At least once. Thank you, Ankur. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
This confirms my attitude about flying. It’s not for me, especially #5.
LikeLike