Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
This list, authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me, was first published on October 14, 2013. Since authors are still trying to get published traditionally, it might be helpful.
Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Get Published
10. When trying to get published, do not send a query letter to a publisher with the opening phrase “You probably have never heard of me, but that will change.” The publisher will no doubt get a big laugh, and your query will get a direct pitch into the trash can with the words, “Want to bet,” on the publisher’s lips.
9. When trying to get published, do not use cute gimmicks in your query letter to get the publisher’s attention. They will not appreciate whatever you send along with the letter and may charge you for the cleanup later. This includes: glitter hearts, artificial snow, two tickets to the Bruins hockey game, a six-pack of beer, sand from your beach story, or anything else not on paper.
8. When trying to get published, do not think a personal phone call to the publisher will make a difference. You will only risk sounding like an idiot, even though you have thoroughly rehearsed your pitch. If you happen to find someone to talk to, being able to locate your query letter to receive the feedback you need may put you on hold permanently.
7. When trying to get published, do not, under any circumstances, show up at the publisher’s place of business in person. The publisher will be extremely embarrassed since they will have no idea what to do with you. Your query might just be placed in your back pocket as you are shown the exit into the alley.
6. When trying to get published, do not tell the publisher in your query letter that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for them. The only thing that may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is the one second it takes for the publisher to pitch your query into the wastebasket with the words, “I’ll take that chance.”
5. When trying to get published, do not try to build rapport with the publisher with words like, “If I were in your shoes, I would be looking for a talented writer and by golly, I just happen to know one.” The publisher will have a nice laugh at your expense and will probably use your query in the next seminar on How Not to Query. Of course, he will be paid an enormous fee, and you will get…well…nothing.
4. When trying to get published, do not send a query letter before you have your fiction manuscript finished. Unless you are Stephen King, there is not a publisher in business today who will jump at the chance to publish your story if it is in the concept stage. Describing in detail what might be will probably get you a response of what actually is happening, a flat “no.”
3. When trying to get published, do not assume you have only writing in mind. The publisher will want you to carry most of the marketing work on your shoulders. Your query letter should avoid self-descriptive words and phrases like: artist, literary principles, clean hands, introvert, higher calling, too good for others, filthy capitalism, save-the-trees activist, reclusive researcher, and only want to write.
2. When trying to get published, do not admit you are only in it for the money, even if you are. There may be a time when the publisher contacts you in response to your query. This is not the time to start pressuring the publisher for a tight timetable, as you need the money. Like banks do not lend money to people who need it, publishers know there is little money for authors and will pass on you for another more motivated by non-monetary reasons.
1. When trying to get published, do not give up. There are a million potential reasons to keep sending queries, and who knows, your manuscript just might be the next million-copy seller.
Fiction Favorites 
You could also publish this for resumes, John. A good list of things not to do. I hope you have a great week.
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So true, Dan. I hope you have the same great week.
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#3 is a killer.
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As we know.
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Fine list, John. Makes a lot of sense and way too much work. Self publishing isn’t much easier from what I have heard.
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All soul-crushing at times.
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🤩😱😂
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🙄
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This is all such great advice. I wonder how many authors haven’t heeded it. Too many probably, who wonder why they didn’t get snapped up!
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Even if you heed it, getting snapped up is a one-in-a-billion chance. Thanks, Esther.
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It really is.
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😀
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I’ll try to keep these in mind, if I ever get started on a manuscript! 😬😏
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Good idea. Thanks, GP.
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Great educational advice, John, definitely worth taking notes on.
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Thank you, Tim. 😊
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😊
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Still seems like sound advice.
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I hope so. Thanks, Craig.
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These are fun, John. #9…oh yeah. I can only imagine opening a letter full of glitter and tossing it in the trash. Oh, dear. Was there a manuscript in there, too? Hilarious–all of them.
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Can you see the floor of the publisher’s office?
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A fun list deeply embedded with truisms, John! I love the last one!
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Thank you, Jan. Giving up is not an option.
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Wonderful list, John, and all these points can’t be repeated enough … for some, that is! I find it amazing that people can be so dense that they violate rules of good behavior. Glitter hearts? Personal phone calls? Begging for money? *shudders*
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Yeah, it is hard to believe. Thanks, Debbie.
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I’ve heard horror stories from agents about what authors have put in their queries/actions they’ve taken to get noticed. Good guidelines, John!
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The stories are pretty funny sometimes. Thanks, Teri.
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Such great tips. These should all be part of the writer’s DNA.
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Should be. Thanks, Jacqui.
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I cannot even imagine how many ridiculous letters publishers must receive. People think they are so smart and witty and yet…
Excellent advice!
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And yet is the big one. Thanks, Dale.
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Indeed! 🙂
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😊
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Your wisdom needs to be shared with nebbies—kindly, of course. Another great list, John. 😊
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Thank you, Gwen. 😀
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Drat. I’ll have to reconsider my plan to show up at the publishing house with a six-pack of beer and a bottle of beach sand. Those are features of my horror novel about twenty-somethings enjoying a beach party … until monsters crawl out of the ocean. Ah, well. Thanks for the list, John 🙃
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That is wise to rethink your visit, Dave. 😀
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At least you end with the sensible thing to do even if it is not easy.
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Thank you, Jo
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with a list like this, it’s just a numbers game and hope something sticks, John!
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One can only hope. Thanks, Cindy.
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hope is good.. xo
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😊
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I’ll bet people have tried all of these! 🙄
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I’m sure they have. 😊
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A lot of humor in there John, with an uplifting conclusion. 👏🏻
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Thank you, Michele.
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A good list. I sell-publish, saves all the grief and means I keep control of my own work. Thanks for sharing. 😊
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Hi, Laure,
I found two of your comments in spam. I self publish too, so I’m spared the agony of another’s opinion of what should get published. Thanks for your comment.
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You’re welcome. Always good to connect with a kindred spirit. 😊
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😊
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Those tips were good for a nice chuckle. I cannot even imagine trying to get a publisher’s attention, but now I know 10 other ways to not try. 🙂
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I’m with you on getting a publisher’s attention. Not going to happen.
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Al great, but 1 and 3 really resonated. 3 because I HATE marketing! As for 1, keep at it unless you’re 95!
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What happens at 95?
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At that age, you’d probably croak before you got an agent.
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Ha ha ha 😀
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Dang good tips from beginning to end, Boss. You know your stuff.
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Thanks. At least I know how to make up stuff.
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Hahahaha!
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😀
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Think you should create a “Top 20 things not to do” category for some topics…like this one.
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That would certainly be a challenge.
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This was really funny, John. Thanks for #10!
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I’m glad you enjoyed it Jennie. 😊
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Very much so, John.
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😊
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Ooops, meant #1, not #10.
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It is okay. I knew what you meant.
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Whew!
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😊
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” When trying to get published, do not assume you have only writing in mind. The publisher will want you to carry most of the marketing work on your shoulders.”
I’ve read in multiple places that Steven King puts away $200,000 of his own money for marketing for each one of his books.
If has to do that, God help the rest of us.
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Amen, brother.
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I’m surprised to discover that this sushi-set is timeless, dear John. Years pass, but traditional publishers don’t publish us.🍤🍤🍤🍻❤🌹
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Yes indeed. 😊
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