Top Ten Things Not to Do When Invited to an American Football Viewing Party

~ John W. Howell
Image by Keith Johnston from Pixabay

 

This list was first published on September 16, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since American football is going strong, and you might be invited to a viewing party, this list may come in handy.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Invited to an American Football Viewing Party

10 When invited to a football party, do not show up in your favorite team’s uniform if the game that is being watched does not include your team. You will immediately let your host know that you have no interest in the game and that you only came to drink up the beer and eat as much of the food as possible.

9 When invited to a football party and asked to bring a dish, do not think you are fulfilling the host’s wish by hauling in a big bag of store-bought popcorn and a liter of diet soda.  Actually, you won’t be fulfilling anyone’s wish with that contribution.

8 When invited to a football party and you are welcome to bring a guest, do not think this includes a stranger you grabbed off the street or a distant member of your family. The host probably intended you to bring a date or spouse and won’t appreciate feeding extraneous random people.

7 When invited to a football party and the host has no intention of starting a gambling pool, do not think it is your duty to correct what you think is an oversight. The host probably doesn’t want to put his guests on the spot to cough up a twenty, which they will ultimately lose.

6 When invited to a football party and none of the guests seem to understand fantasy football, allow them to remain blissfully unaware of the intricacies and complexity of the game that you and your office mates play every week.

5 When invited to a football party and you see that the host does not have a fifty-inch HDTV, do not offer to buy everyone a drink at the local sports bar just because it has four such TVs. Your tab may end up being more than you can afford, and your host may end up wrapping one of the TVs around your head.

4 When invited to a football party and the host does not have your brand of beer, do not turn up your nose and declare loudly: “Well, if you don’t have any, I’ll just have water.” Go ahead and sacrifice your delicate taste buds to the beer that resembles carbonated defrost, which your host is serving. After all, you don’t need to drink a barrel of it, although a barrel may be what you need to forget why you cared.

3 When invited to a football party and you need to describe a great play, do not pick up a curio and ask the crowd to imagine it as a football. It may be that the curio you just passed into the kitchen, which was dropped by your wide receiver, was a Fabergé egg handed down by your host’s great-great-great-grandmother.

2 When invited to a football party and you realize the game is the most boring thing you have ever watched, do not pick up the remote and change the channel to a movie. You may just offend not only your host but also the rest of the party. They may be reminded of the time the TV network cut off the last two minutes of the Super Bowl to air the movie Heidi. You take a chance on vigilante action.

1 When invited to a football party and the game is over, it should be your signal to leave. Do not wait for your host to switch off the TV and start clearing the living room of empty beer cups, pizza boxes, and paper plates of gnawed chicken wings. Your host is not making room for you and your guest to spend the night on the couch. They really want you to return to your own couch, no matter what they say.

 

68 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do When Invited to an American Football Viewing Party”

  1. I haven’t been to many such events in recent years, John, but I saw other people doing several of these when I was younger. I doubt the situation has improved, so this list is still good.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. For me, being “out of the loop” was a congenital condition, born on the other side of the planet. But with migration of relatives and friends in one direction and expansion of American businesses in the other, I think I am pretty clued on to what to avoid at a football party even though I will probably never be invited to one.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. We were at a distillery yesterday. VA law says that distilleries are limited to serving three ounces to any customer so we seldom hear drunks or load voices. Yesterday was an exception. Football was on, staff was aloof and I could not wait to escape and return to the car. (For me in this distillery, it was an exception, normally I enjoy visiting there, the two-three times a year, we stop).

    Liked by 1 person

  4. We used to go to Super Bowl parties. I think 9/10 of them were boring and over in the first half. That’s when I migrate to the kitchen for another drink, more food and conversation!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I haven’t been to one of these gatherings in years, so thank you for reminding me why!! #1 is especially important. Maybe some people think that, if they “help” with the cleanup, they’re entitled to crash on the sofa, too?!?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I get too nerve-racked watching the games on TV, so mostly hit the ‘refresh’ button while checking the scores online. Yeah, so I guess don’t bring a laptop to a viewing party, either? 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. So many truisms in these points, John. I remember a time, the only time, when, as a new employee, I was invited to a steak party. When I asked what to bring, I was told ‘a salad to pass’. I did, I brought salads. The host and hostess were kind enough to share their steaks with my wife and me. I was never invited again. Hey, he only told me to bring salad.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. When invited to a football party, follow the others and play pool… somehow that always happens (if there is a table, obviously).

    When inviting heathens, remember to stow away all breakables.

    Not a football party, but I invited a late friend and her husband. We did not have his type of beer so my husband ran to the store to get some. After the guy finished our whole stock, Mick was ready to get get more. Get this. The guy says, oh no, don’t bother. I have a case in the car. No words. Also, never another invitation over, either…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “A case in the car,” would call for the death penalty. I asked a guy what brand of beer he liked. He said “Michelob Ultra.” I bought a case so as to not to run out. He only drank my $100 bourbon.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Right? Mick was flabbergasted.
        Of course he did…
        My father used to being cheap beer to our gatherings and then drank our good stuff. After a couple of times, we all turned on him. E stopped. 😏

        Liked by 1 person

  15. There are some good tips in there for a lot of parties; besides football parties too. These were practical tips for realistic situations, Husband and I couldn’t have a footfall party – no huge tv in the living room. Cheers for your team, John.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. “When invited to a football party and none of the guests seem to understand fantasy football, allow them to remain blissfully unaware of the intricacies and complexity of the game that you and your office mates play every week.”

    I understand this has gotten exponentially worse since you first posted this list.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. All solid tips Boss. The jersey thing, I’m sorry I just do not understand the jersey thing at all. And the beers . . come on people! Take one for the team!

    And do you notice how these football viewing parties usually involve everything BUT viewing? I mean, you have the diehards sitting right up front on their phones checking on their parlays and fantasy league while everyone else does everything else!

    Liked by 1 person

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  27. Great list John. As an NFL girl, I’d like to add to your list: If husband and wife are both NFL people, don’t invite a large group of couples to your Superbowl party because most wives don’t know football and want to gossip through the whole game instead of pay attention. 😍

    Liked by 1 person

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