Photo by William Stark on Unsplash
This post was published on November 25th, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since Thanksgiving is almost here, it could prove useful now.
Top Ten Things Not to Do with Your Thanksgiving Turkey
10. If you get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not let your kids dress it up as a pilgrim. If you do, at best, the bird might actually look good. At worst, you’ll probably be having carry out for dinner after the kids discover what is going to happen to their new best friend
9. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not listen when it starts singing “gimmie three steps… gimmie three steps, mister… Gimme three steps toward the door.” Chances are that your kids are playing Lynyrd Skynyrd too loud, and you’ve already had too many celebratory drinks.
8. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not watch the “Presidential Pardon” ceremony on TV with your kids. You will likely end up with the same problem as item #10.
7. If you decide to go hunting for your Thanksgiving turkey, be aware that the turkey population has ways of fooling you into shooting a cow or your hunting partner. The turkey won’t care who gets hurt as long as it’s not a turkey.
6. If you plan on deep-frying your Thanksgiving turkey, do not drop a cold, icy bird into a giant vat of hot peanut oil. If you do, at best, you will have an overflow of hot liquid that will take a lot of elbow grease to clean up. At worst, you may burn down your house.
5. If your turkey is still frozen on Thanksgiving, do not invent a game where the turkey is used as a bowling ball with empty beer bottles as pins. It may sound fun after you’ve had all those before-dinner drinks, but the clean-up of thawed bird and broken glass will be hell.
4. If you plan to serve fresh turkey on Thanksgiving, do not let the bird sit out as you would a frozen one. If you do, at best, you’ll wind up with a precooked bird. At worst, you will all wind up seeing the friendly ER doctor in the early morning hours.
3. If you plan to serve tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to dress it up to look like an actual turkey. Your guests won’t be fooled and might actually wonder if you have lost your mind.
2. If you find that your turkey is too big for the refrigerator, do not put it out in the cold garage on the roof of the car. If you do, at best, your cat may help itself, and you’ll have shredded turkey for dinner. At worst, you may forget the turkey is there until you’re making that frantic dash to the store for eggnog, at which point you slam on the brakes, your turkey rolls off the hood and into the street, and then is run over by a Hummer.
1. If you have leftover turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to disguise it in other forms. You are not on “Chopped,” and good ole turkey is best served as itself.
Fiction Favorites 
#6 is so common. Seems to always be a montage online of the disasters on Black Friday.
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Gotta love those. 😀
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What a great list, and a very good caution about putting that cold turkey into hot grease. I have to take issue with #1, though. The best thing about a big roasted turkey is the leftovers, especially a turkey sandwich with cranberries and a bit of stuffing!
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I think we are saying the same thing. The Bon Appétit versions of leftover turkey with 52 ingredients and 10 pans were my target.
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Oh, my. I’ll pass on that!
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Me too
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Love #2. What fun, John!
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Thank you, Joy. I’m glad you liked it. 😊
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LOL…I’m so thankful we’ll be joining Larry’s son for the feast. We’ll have no worries about leftovers or cleanup or…. 😄
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We are picking up our Whole Foods carry-out. We have had it with the prep. Enjoy. 😀
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We keep waiting to see #6 play out across the street. Any live animal around this house would not only be pardoned The Editor would be feeding it for the rest of it’s natural life.
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Ha ha ha. I would love to see the wild turkey photos for the next five years.
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We’re going to our son’s this year. Something tells me I won’t get a pardon from baking all the night before.
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Gotta come bearing gifts for sure. Wake up that sourdough. 😀
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Last year I was rearranging the freezer and forgot to put the turkey back in the freezer. Next day it smelled so bad but I put it back in the freezer. Not a good idea to refreeze. The entire freezer smelled awful. Finally had to tell husband that I needed to throw out the old bird and buy another one. These tips are hilarious, but timely!
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Good thing you tossed it. Thanks for sharing, Lois. 😊
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A great and chuckle worthy list! When my son was stationed at an FOB in Afghanistan, the Army did NOT fly out Thanksgiving dinner for the men. So Patrick went hunting and shot a wild turkey. They cooked it and everyone got sick!
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Sounds like a reprimand waiting to happen.
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Nope, he was the senior person at the FOB!
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Great ones. I always feel bad eating the beautiful creature so I won’t dress him first 😂
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Good idea. 😁
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These good tips make me glad I don’t cook, John.
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Good advice, John. Have a wonderful thanksgiving 😊
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You two outdid yourself with this list and took it in directions I have never imagined. I had a brother in San Diego who fried a turkey one Thanksgiving. It was delicious and San Diego had a mild enough climate so neither the Turkey, the fry chef, or the emergency crew/lookie lous came to any discomfort or harm.
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Great list! I can’t imagine dropping a frozen turkey into a vat of hot oil. Yikes!!
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I’ve seen it happen. Not a pretty picture.
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Tofu turkey—that’s sacreligious! 🤣 We’re on the last day of an eleven day stay with our son, daughter-in-law, and grandson. They hosted 20 people for an early Thanksgiving on Saturday in their new home.
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I imagine it was wonderful being with the grandchild.
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Number 2 is my favorite, but the three steps to the door was also inspired. Thanks for the pre-holiday cheer.
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So glad you linked it Rebecca. Thanks for the smile. 😊
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Haha! Fun post, John. Hugs.
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Glad you liked it, Teagan. 😊
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😀
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It wouldn’t be a proper Thanksgiving in PA without a new story about someone having a deep-frying turkey catastrophe, John. Tofu turkey? Not on my watch, sir. One of my favorite top tens!
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I think Dallas takes second place to PA on turkey disasters. So glad you liked it, Bruce. Thanks for the lovely comment.
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My brother-in-law actually did #6. He put the fryer on the porch of the house he was renting, dropped in the ice-cold bird, and all the siding melted. (This was the same guy who set off in a boat with the bilge plug unplugged. Couldn’t figure out why the boat was taking on water.)
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Ha ha ha. We can laugh but sounds like both things could have turned out worse.
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Yes, the could have.
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😊
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The deep fried turkey is the best turkey I’ve ever had. I tried the Cajun turkey from Popeyes and I thought I was going to love that one but not so much. I mean, it was fine. But I think what makes the deep fried turkey so good is that everyone partaking is just so relieved that the house did not, in fact, burn down.
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Ha ha ha. Yes having a fried turkey and an intact house is a beautiful thing.
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It is a sight to behold, when it’s done. Right. But yeah, the leadup is a Toby Hooper production.
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The epicure’s version of the chainsaw.
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That’s it right there Boss!
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We need a chain saw emoji for this kind of situation. 😁
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Hahahahaha!
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Great advice, John. I couldn’t stop laughing at #2!
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Thank you, Jennie. Glad you enjoyed it. 😊
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You’re welcome, John. I did!
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😀
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While I would normally pish posh the deep fried turkey, I did watch a cooking episode – by a Canadian no less – and it looked scrumpdillyicious!
Always fun these lists of yours.
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I have heard nothing but raves from folks who deep fry. I’m never going to do it, but hey to each his own. Thanks, Dale.
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Neither am I!!
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😀
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That is a lot of good advice. Another is don’t leave your turkey out on the counter unattended if you have big dogs. And if a big dog eats half the turkey, don’t eat the left overs. Just eat the condiments.
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Ha ha ha. This sounds like the voice of experience. Thanks, Thomas.
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Hot oil is a definite no-no plus tofu turkey is a sin however as there is a ban on fresh turkeys here fresh turkey isn’t an option neither is a Thai turkey but thats a story for another day ..A fun post , John 🙂
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Thank you, Carol. Sounds like your options are few.
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They are John but I’m used to it now and honestly I don’t miss all the commercialism 😊
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I’ll bet.
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I think I’ll just go for a hike instead. 😂 Happy Thanksgiving!
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Maybe a good idea. Thanks, Michele.
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Hope so. 😅 Thanks, John.
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😊
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Since we fry turkeys every year, we’re big advocates of #6, John. A great list!
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When I was a kid, the best part of Thanksgiving were the leftovers … and they lasted for days 😉 You know, I’ve never cooked a turkey. I’ve been happy to eat turkeys that other people cooked though 😉
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We are doing a Whole Foods carry out. We have had it with the prep. 😀
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Down with prep, up with FUN!
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Yes, indeed.
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A great list, John! I hope you have a nice turkey day!
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Thank you, Lauren 😊
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I love these, John!
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Flag you enjoyed them, GP.
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While I’m very late reading this post, I still howled at these 10 things NOT to do with your Thanksgiving Turkey. Thanks for the smiles-I needed them after a wild week (which will only get wilder as I’m getting ready to move-I’d be curious if you have a topn 10 for moving cuz I’m sure I’ve done every single one of the don’ts. Bwahahahaha!
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Here you go. https://johnwhowell.com/2021/04/19/top-ten-things-not-to-do-if-you-are-moving/
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Awesome-you’re the best. I can use a snicker or two. Thank you, John.
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Moving is no fun. Hopefully you can have a few laughs. House move or city move?
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It’s definitely not for the faint of heart. Actually a bit of both. Moving to…gasp…the burbs. 😂 A nice quiet neighborhood with a great trail system. I joke that I’m moving from a ranch into a barn (one of those modern boxes). Thanks for sharing a link to laughs.
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All the best. 😊
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Are these applicable to a Christmas turkey as well?
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Yes indeed. Not so sure they apply to a ham, though.
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