Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bicycle

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Sies Kranen on Unsplash

The inspiration for this list is my three-day-a-week three-mile ride on the single-speed beach cruiser bike. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along, and I thought I would share them with you.  This list was first published on January 31, 2017. I hope you enjoy it

10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best, the hand wave you make to the Hells Angels will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion), will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hell’s Angels. (Don’t worry, he will untie you and let you go at the next town or fifty miles, whichever comes first, Ferd.)

9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best, the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh, Bunky?)

8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best, you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen-wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you, Tex?)

7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best, all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive-aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive. ( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)

6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best, you can ignore the stares from those you pass. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a markdown from public lewdness. ( All because of that Speedo, huh, Ace?)

5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best, a couple of slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at dead man’s curve seems to be a challenge right now, in that you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation, aren’t they, Buford?)

4 On a bike, do not forget that insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best, a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the largest June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end, either, Duke.)

3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you. What about the bike, Mike?)

2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best, you will get home safely. At worst, your storyline development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now with your leg in the air, you have plenty of time to do the storyline, huh, Ernest?)

1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen at the trick bike championships. If you do, at best, you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get halfway through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking, John?”)

76 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bicycle”

  1. Welcome back Sheriff.

    Wet roads equal a nope for me when it came to cycling, which is something I might be picking up again in the spring if the knee remains cranky and I decide to stop running. But I’m not saying I wouldn’t at least contemplate a bikers vest . . .

    Liked by 1 person

  5. At least one of these (#3) applies to more than bicyclists, as I learned on a Missouri highway when a nice man in a spiffy uniform suggested stopping if I wanted to look at the wildflowers. (No ticket, just the suggestion.)

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  12. And yet… how many cyclists think they own the road, that it is dry for them, that others need to respect them even while they are not, and goodness me… use the expressly-made bicycle lane, created just for them? Oh hell no. Much better to use the road and wreak havoc!!

    Excellent list, of course 😉

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  15. We have a lot of bicycle riders in our area, and this list would be of great use to them. Some of our riders routinely and unnecessarily risk death. Death can hurt you. The only bicycle I have been on in the last decade has been a stationary one, and the good news there is I do have the entire road to myself, John!

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  17. I haven’t ridden anything more than a stationary bike in years, John, so I thank you for the refresher. I’m afraid my penchant for getting distracted by shiny things might keep me from safely riding a real bike!

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  19. Wow, John — that’s some intense bike riding. Way to go. In the area of DC where I lived, people were out of control with bicycle riding… I’ll leave it at that and stay off my Julia Sugarbaker soap box. 🙂 It was fun to see Tiny here. Hugs.

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  21. Good advice. Regarding ….On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. I’ve learned that, not on a bike, but a moped. I watched the beautiful night sky too intensely and landed in a potatoe field.

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  25. This is going to be a long one, John. Hold on a minute while I pour a shot.

    Thanks for waiting.

    All my life I drove and drank. When I was younger that wasn’t even illegal. If you can believe it. Anyway, I never got into an accident or got a DUI. So, when I turned sixty, I figured I was on borrowed time. I asked myself, “What do you want to do? Do you want to drink or do you want to drive?

    I came down on the drinking side of the ledger. I sold my car and got myself a bicycle. A beach cruiser. That was in Florida with its flat landscape. When I moved to Massachusetts with its hilly terrain, I switched to walking. Except for my liver, I’ve never been heathier.

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