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This list was first published on January 18th 2016. Since we all end up in a doctor’s office sooner or later, I think it’s still useful.

Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Doctor’s Office.

10 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say “What’s up, doc?” If you do, at best, you’ll get a look. At worst, the doctor will decide a digital exam is a must-do. (You just had one of these the last time you were here, right?)

9 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I’m not a doctor but play one on TV.” If you do, at best, you’ll get a chuckle. At worst, you will be asked for a diagnosis of yourself. (Who knows if you are right or not)

8 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Do I get some painkillers?” If you do, at best, the doctor will make sure there are no refills. At worst, you will have to pass scrutiny to ensure you’re not a pillhead. (You thought it was an innocent remark, right, Bucky?)

7 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Why am I still waiting? My time is valuable.” If you do, at best, you will feel better but will still wait longer. At worst, the minimum wage receptionist will accidentally slip your name down the list until you are first tomorrow. (Looking at your watch sixty times an hour won’t help either)

6 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I can get this medicine on the internet at half the price.” If you do, at best, you will be ignored and will still get the prescription. At worst, you will be invited to buy your drugs online and to consult a doctor online as well. (Well. That didn’t work out the way you planned, did it, Homer?)

5 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I have filled out these forms ten times already.” If you do, at best, you will get a kindly smile and a request to fill out the form. At worst, you will be branded a troublemaker, and the clerk will make sure you will need to complete the form until your last day on Earth. (Would have been easier to fill out the form one more time and hope for the best.)

4 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “How soon will the doctor be in to see me?” If you do, at best, the answer will be the same as you’ve heard while waiting on the phone for customer service.”The doctor is busy with other patients and will be here shortly.” At worst, the nurse will inform the doctor that you are in a rush, and he’ll be in and out of your exam room in twenty seconds. (I hope he is right about the need for a barium enema. Aren’t you?)

3 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,” Please file that insurance paperwork for me.” If you do, at best, the reimbursement will be delayed. At worst, the clerk will quit next Wednesday and toss all the incomplete paperwork in the wastebasket. (Well, it was only a $125.00 after all)

2 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “This is not how Doctor Smith handled me.” If you do, at best, you’ll be informed that Dr. Smith is no longer your doctor and “we” know best. At worst, you will be kindly asked to join Dr. Smith, who is currently working with Doctors Without Borders in the jungle somewhere. (Dr. Smith wasn’t all that good after all, right?)

1 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I just can’t lose weight no matter what I do.” If you do, at best, you will be given an extensive list of foods you can eat and asked to keep a diary for the next month. At worst, the doctor will provide you with some medicine that makes everything you eat taste like cod liver oil. (Now we both know no such drug exists, so tell me why it works.)