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This list was first published on January 18th 2016. Since we all end up in a doctor’s office sooner or later, I think it’s still useful.
Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Doctor’s Office.
10 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say “What’s up, doc?” If you do, at best, you’ll get a look. At worst, the doctor will decide a digital exam is a must-do. (You just had one of these the last time you were here, right?)
9 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I’m not a doctor but play one on TV.” If you do, at best, you’ll get a chuckle. At worst, you will be asked for a diagnosis of yourself. (Who knows if you are right or not)
8 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Do I get some painkillers?” If you do, at best, the doctor will make sure there are no refills. At worst, you will have to pass scrutiny to ensure you’re not a pillhead. (You thought it was an innocent remark, right, Bucky?)
7 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Why am I still waiting? My time is valuable.” If you do, at best, you will feel better but will still wait longer. At worst, the minimum wage receptionist will accidentally slip your name down the list until you are first tomorrow. (Looking at your watch sixty times an hour won’t help either)
6 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I can get this medicine on the internet at half the price.” If you do, at best, you will be ignored and will still get the prescription. At worst, you will be invited to buy your drugs online and to consult a doctor online as well. (Well. That didn’t work out the way you planned, did it, Homer?)
5 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I have filled out these forms ten times already.” If you do, at best, you will get a kindly smile and a request to fill out the form. At worst, you will be branded a troublemaker, and the clerk will make sure you will need to complete the form until your last day on Earth. (Would have been easier to fill out the form one more time and hope for the best.)
4 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “How soon will the doctor be in to see me?” If you do, at best, the answer will be the same as you’ve heard while waiting on the phone for customer service.”The doctor is busy with other patients and will be here shortly.” At worst, the nurse will inform the doctor that you are in a rush, and he’ll be in and out of your exam room in twenty seconds. (I hope he is right about the need for a barium enema. Aren’t you?)
3 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,” Please file that insurance paperwork for me.” If you do, at best, the reimbursement will be delayed. At worst, the clerk will quit next Wednesday and toss all the incomplete paperwork in the wastebasket. (Well, it was only a $125.00 after all)
2 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “This is not how Doctor Smith handled me.” If you do, at best, you’ll be informed that Dr. Smith is no longer your doctor and “we” know best. At worst, you will be kindly asked to join Dr. Smith, who is currently working with Doctors Without Borders in the jungle somewhere. (Dr. Smith wasn’t all that good after all, right?)
1 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I just can’t lose weight no matter what I do.” If you do, at best, you will be given an extensive list of foods you can eat and asked to keep a diary for the next month. At worst, the doctor will provide you with some medicine that makes everything you eat taste like cod liver oil. (Now we both know no such drug exists, so tell me why it works.)
Fiction Favorites 
These were funny, John. Had me laughing!
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Always a good thing Kymber. Thanks for letting me know.
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Yes, you don’t want to get on the bad side of your doctor and staff. If you ever do a “Ten Things Doctors Should Never Say to a Patient. “Huh. I’ve never seen that before.”
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That would be a good one. Reminds me of the joke where the doctor tells the guy he has six months to live. The guy says, “I want a second opinion.” The doc replies, “You’re ugly too.” 😀
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Ha ha ha, how very adolescent! 🤣
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Made you laugh though. 😀
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Indeed it did!
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😀
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“Please warm up that finger first” could be an 11th. Just asking for the doctor to ice their hand.
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Ha ha ha. Thanks, Charles.
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“well, that’s not what Google says” 😂
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😀 Thanks, Lois.
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I certainly won’t be doing any of these, John. Thanks for the advice.
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Always a pleasure, Esther. Thank you.
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If nothing else, always remain on the good side of the receptionist, secretary, nurse…. They can make or break your visits!
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Like everything in this world.
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Too true.
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😊
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I can’t help myself. A patient died and went to heaven, where St. Peter offered him a tour of the place. As they strolled along the celestial byways, they came across a fellow in a white lab coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. The newly arrived asked St. Peter, “Who’s that? Jonas Salk? Denton Cooley?” St. Peter laughed and said, “Naw. That’s God. He likes to play doctor sometimes.”
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Ha ha ha, Good one, Linda. Thanks. 😀
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A wise list!
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😊
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Excellent list, John! Always best to stay on the good side of the doctor’s staff, or they could get testy. And nobody has time to wait forever to be seen … especially if you’re scared or in pain.
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So true, Debbie.
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Lol! The paperwork is a doozy, especially when you’ve already taken an hour to complete it all online, only to be told your submission didn’t work. 🙂 Thanks, John!
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That is the latest torture for sure.
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All good, John and I’ve heard these from my husband the MD.
You missed one: I want you to give me this drug because I saw on TV how well it works!
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Oh yes. “Ask your doctor about the drug that has 50 side effects, one of which is death.”
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🙂 🙂
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😊
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Okay, number 5 hit a nerve. Both Char and I go nuts when asked to do this. Either technology, aren’t these doctors connected ?
I now just write in”see last form” or “see attached”.
So far they have never said anything – that tells you that no one reads the stuff anyway.
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I do the same. Usually I get a “Oh yes, we have it here.”
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Good advice.
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I worked in an ophthalmology office for four years and heard many, many things I could add to this list, lol.
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😊
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These all seem like sound advice. OUAT I was in the barium mining industry.
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I’ll bet you worked your ass off.
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Good ones to avoid, John 🙂
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Thank you, Denise
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Funny stuff, John. Well done.
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Thank you, George. So glad you liked it.
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Yes, indeed, John. What you say to your doctor will have results. Truth is the best for you.
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Wise words. Thanks, Tim. 😊
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Number 5 is tempting, John. My eye doctor’s office keeps switching systems and we keep having to fill out this medical history every year.
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I feel your pain. 😊
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You’re right of course, Sheriff. It’s best not to question all the many things that do not make a lick of sense when you step into a doctor’s office. From the forms you seem to have to fill out every single time to the waiting room for the waiting room for the waiting room. I’ve been guilty on the painkiller requests in the past but I’ve changed my ways.
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I’ll share a story about a request. In my senior year in college, I piled up a Triumphe TR3 and spent 70 days in the hospital. Around day 68, the doc says I can be discharged if I can manage to pee on my own. They pulled the catheter, and nothing. Back in it went. The doc came for rounds, and I told him that a couple of beers always started the plumbing. He wrote a beer prescription, and, to the hospital staff’s disdain, I quaffed a few, and sure enough, it worked.
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THIS is why I call you Boss.
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Ha ha ha. I love that moniker.
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It fits.
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Ha ha ha.
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They are all great but “What’s up, doc?” is certainly a classic
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All noted and got a needed chuckle, John. xx
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Glad you did, Cindy. 😀
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This Top Ten is one of your best ever. Lots of laughs throughout. I would love to say #9 just to see my doctor’s reaction. Likely, he wouldn’t find it as funny as I do.
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Most doctors have to reach deep inside to find a sense of humor, I’ve found.
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This made me laugh. I spend half my life in hospitals and doctors rooms so it’s very relatable.
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I know you have. I’m glad this made you laugh.
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I try to limit my doctor visits to once a year, for all the reasons you list here 😁 Sometimes it seems like the less I see them, the better I feel 😆
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I have many of them, and it is an every six month deal for me.
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Those endless forms. Ugh! Verifying that they still take your insurance before you drive there was another lesson recently learned. 😒
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Oh yes. I do that with the dentist before every visit.
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Smart. Mine was a lady doctor. Those are fun to find. Joking but I am grateful to have access to drs. – something not everyone woman has, I know.
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I had a female primary care physician ten years ago before I moved. She was very good
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I meant dr. for lady visits. 😊
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Oh. DUH
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😂
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The thing that absolutely tears my ticket every single time is when I follow their link to complete forms ahead of time only to be handed a clipboard when I check in for my appointment. Why do I even bother??
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Me, too. Happens every January.
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{Giggles} All good ones, John, but #5 made me laugh out loud. I’m convinced a requirement for employment as a front desk receptionist at a doctor’s office is the ability to excel at passive aggressive behavior, especially when it comes to forms. 😂
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Or talking on the phone while you are waiting to check in.
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Especially if using the speaker!
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Yowzaa
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Regarding number 7, I knew of someone who barged into the doctor’s waiting room without an appointment and demanded to see the doctor. Eight hours later he was still sitting there. Meanwhile the doctor had slipped out the back door and gone home!
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Ha ha ha. I love that. Thanks for the laugh. 😀
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Thanks, John. This was really funny… and true!
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😀
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Reading these I cannot help but imagine that human interaction skills must be an important part of medical school training.
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Ha ha ha.
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Always good to remember! Thank you, dear John!
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Thank you, Maria. 🍰🥂
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🍻🍤🍤🍤🥳
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