Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Doctor’s Office.

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Online Marketing on Unsplash

 

This list was first published on January 18th 2016. Since we all end up in a doctor’s office sooner or later, I think it’s still useful.

Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Doctor’s Office.

10 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say “What’s up, doc?” If you do, at best, you’ll get a look. At worst, the doctor will decide a digital exam is a must-do. (You just had one of these the last time you were here, right?)

9 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I’m not a doctor but play one on TV.” If you do, at best, you’ll get a chuckle. At worst, you will be asked for a diagnosis of yourself. (Who knows if you are right or not)

8 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Do I get some painkillers?” If you do, at best, the doctor will make sure there are no refills. At worst, you will have to pass scrutiny to ensure you’re not a pillhead. (You thought it was an innocent remark, right, Bucky?)

7 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Why am I still waiting? My time is valuable.” If you do, at best, you will feel better but will still wait longer. At worst, the minimum wage receptionist will accidentally slip your name down the list until you are first tomorrow. (Looking at your watch sixty times an hour won’t help either)

6 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I can get this medicine on the internet at half the price.” If you do, at best, you will be ignored and will still get the prescription. At worst, you will be invited to buy your drugs online and to consult a doctor online as well. (Well. That didn’t work out the way you planned, did it, Homer?)

5 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I have filled out these forms ten times already.” If you do, at best, you will get a kindly smile and a request to fill out the form. At worst, you will be branded a troublemaker, and the clerk will make sure you will need to complete the form until your last day on Earth. (Would have been easier to fill out the form one more time and hope for the best.)

4 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “How soon will the doctor be in to see me?” If you do, at best, the answer will be the same as you’ve heard while waiting on the phone for customer service.”The doctor is busy with other patients and will be here shortly.” At worst, the nurse will inform the doctor that you are in a rush, and he’ll be in and out of your exam room in twenty seconds. (I hope he is right about the need for a barium enema. Aren’t you?)

3 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,” Please file that insurance paperwork for me.” If you do, at best, the reimbursement will be delayed. At worst, the clerk will quit next Wednesday and toss all the incomplete paperwork in the wastebasket. (Well, it was only a $125.00 after all)

2 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “This is not how Doctor Smith handled me.” If you do, at best, you’ll be informed that Dr. Smith is no longer your doctor and “we” know best. At worst, you will be kindly asked to join Dr. Smith, who is currently working with Doctors Without Borders in the jungle somewhere. (Dr. Smith wasn’t all that good after all, right?)

1 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I just can’t lose weight no matter what I do.” If you do, at best, you will be given an extensive list of foods you can eat and asked to keep a diary for the next month. At worst, the doctor will provide you with some medicine that makes everything you eat taste like cod liver oil. (Now we both know no such drug exists, so tell me why it works.)

88 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Say in a Doctor’s Office.”

    1. That would be a good one. Reminds me of the joke where the doctor tells the guy he has six months to live. The guy says, “I want a second opinion.” The doc replies, “You’re ugly too.” 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I can’t help myself. A patient died and went to heaven, where St. Peter offered him a tour of the place. As they strolled along the celestial byways, they came across a fellow in a white lab coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. The newly arrived asked St. Peter, “Who’s that? Jonas Salk? Denton Cooley?” St. Peter laughed and said, “Naw. That’s God. He likes to play doctor sometimes.”

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  9. Excellent list, John! Always best to stay on the good side of the doctor’s staff, or they could get testy. And nobody has time to wait forever to be seen … especially if you’re scared or in pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Okay, number 5 hit a nerve. Both Char and I go nuts when asked to do this. Either technology, aren’t these doctors connected ?

    I now just write in”see last form” or “see attached”.

    So far they have never said anything – that tells you that no one reads the stuff anyway.

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  20. You’re right of course, Sheriff. It’s best not to question all the many things that do not make a lick of sense when you step into a doctor’s office. From the forms you seem to have to fill out every single time to the waiting room for the waiting room for the waiting room. I’ve been guilty on the painkiller requests in the past but I’ve changed my ways.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll share a story about a request. In my senior year in college, I piled up a Triumphe TR3 and spent 70 days in the hospital. Around day 68, the doc says I can be discharged if I can manage to pee on my own. They pulled the catheter, and nothing. Back in it went. The doc came for rounds, and I told him that a couple of beers always started the plumbing. He wrote a beer prescription, and, to the hospital staff’s disdain, I quaffed a few, and sure enough, it worked.

      Liked by 2 people

  27. The thing that absolutely tears my ticket every single time is when I follow their link to complete forms ahead of time only to be handed a clipboard when I check in for my appointment. Why do I even bother??

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  28. {Giggles} All good ones, John, but #5 made me laugh out loud. I’m convinced a requirement for employment as a front desk receptionist at a doctor’s office is the ability to excel at passive aggressive behavior, especially when it comes to forms. 😂

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  29. Regarding number 7, I knew of someone who barged into the doctor’s waiting room without an appointment and demanded to see the doctor. Eight hours later he was still sitting there. Meanwhile the doctor had slipped out the back door and gone home!

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  34. Before my annual physical, I was emailed a form to fill out. They told me it will save time when I got to the office. I filled it out, but when I got there, they handed me the same form and asked me to fill it out. I told them I had already done so online. They gave me some bullshit reason why I had to fill it out again.

    Needless to say, I now ignore the “Please fill in the form” request when received via email.

    But back to your “Top Ten” list. I don’t say anything other than, “Take my blood pressure to verify I’m still alive and I’ll see you next year.”

    Liked by 1 person

  35. As someone who managed physicians’ offices all my life, I enjoyed this piece. There’s also the great favorite: “Since I’m here, can you take a look at my son’s (fill in the blank) … or the best one yet that all billers loved hearing: “Dr. So-and-So’s office never made me pay anything and just billed my insurance.” or “The doctor (calling him or her by her first name) said to tell you just to bill me. I’m their next-door neighbor.” (Lie.) People are funny.

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    1. I currently have seven doctors, so I pick up all kinds of chatter while waiting. Thank you for your additions, and I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Your Hard Road Cafe looks terrific.

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      1. I had a hip replacement, but everyone says that knees are something more severe, rehab-wise, but once you get through to the other side, you’ll be glad you did it.

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