Top Ten Things Not to Do During the French Revolution

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Jametlene Reskp on Unsplash

As a reminder, this series of top-ten lists is a fantasy look at historical events as if we were there. This post was originally published on August 13, 2018

The Top Ten Things Not to Do During the French Revolution

10 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your best clothes while walking on the street. If you do, at best, you will be suspected of being a monarch supporter. At worst, you will be arrested, tried, convicted, and face the guillotine. (You have to admit it, Frank. These folks have no patience with cleanliness or fine clothes. Get ready for a really close shave.)

9 If you were in France during the revolution, do not accept a ride on a two-wheel wagon driven by Tiny the Revolutionary champ, who just got a loyalty award. If you do, at best, you’ll sneak off before you reach the plaza. At worst, you have a difficult time trying to convince Tiny that you are not part of the monarchy and are now trussed up like a turkey. (Those wagons are for transporting prisoners to the guillotine, Felix. What were you thinking?)

8 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your “I Love Louis XVI” pin. If you do, at best, most folks will think you are joking. At worst, a mob of villagers will ensure you are no longer a threat to the revolution. (What do all these people want, Fredrick. Why do they continue to yell, “Off with his head?” This is not Wonderland.)

7 If you were in France during the revolution, do not take the tour of the Bastille even if you paid in advance. If you do, at best, the tour will be quick, and you’ll be out before the storming. At worst, you will be mistaken for a defender of the Bastille by the storming crowds. (I would try to remember how to use that saber, Flynn. You are not going to convince that crowd that you are a tourist.)

6 If you were in France during the revolution, do not forget to wear your Liberté, égalité, fraternité T-shirt whenever you go outside. If you do forget, at best, you’ll still look like a peasant. At worst, your judgmental air will get you into court. (There doesn’t seem to be a whole bunch of innocent until proven guilty thought around this place, huh, Fabio. Next stop, the ultimate haircut.)

5 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your “I’m With Robespierre” shirt past the expiration date. If you do, at best, you’ll be reminded that he is now thought of as a traitor. At worst, you and Robespierre will become fast friends before the blade falls. ( You gotta know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em, Federico. Don’t be a fool, let Robespierre go first. Who knows, a miracle could happen.”)

4 If you were in France during the revolution, do not tell folks that you really prefer cake. If you do, at best, you might be looked upon as a fool. At worst, those you talk to might think you are a supporter of Marie Antoinette. (You know exactly where this is going to lead, don’t you, Finlay?)

3 If you were in France during the revolution, do not continue to joke about wanting a Napoleon for dessert. If you do, at best, you might need a steak for that black eye. At worst, you might need a priest for that long walk to the guillotine. (When no one laughed the tenth time, you might have gotten the hint, Finian.)

2 If you were in France during the revolution, do not continue to tell everyone how beautiful you think the Palace of Versailles is in the sunlight. If you do, at best, they will be too busy to take you seriously. At worst, you and 100 of your closest Versailles residents will be marched into Paris. (Another trial, Finian. This is getting tiring. The good news is this is a tip to the executioner-free day at the guillotine.)

1 If you were in France during the revolution, do not assume the flag you are flying is that of the revolutionists. If you do, at best, you picked right. At worst, your three gold fleur-de-lis on a white background, although beautiful, will attract bullets. (Never believe a guy on the street who sold it to you, Fitz. Now you need to take cover.)

66 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do During the French Revolution”

  15. They were all good but the best was this one “If you were in France during the revolution, do not tell folks that you really prefer cake.” However, you probably know this already, but the “let them eat cake” anecdote is a myth.

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  26. Louis XVI and his family traveled in a heavy, conspicuous coach while trying to escape the revolution. Everyone knew it was the king’s coach. Talk about being clueless and unaware. If he had only used a ratty old wagon, he would have made it. The royal party was apprehended in the small town of Varennes, just 31 miles short of their destination, and forcibly returned to Paris.

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  28. PS. They hate Napoleon. It’s a paradox: there are so many exhibitions about him, but, in fact, they disgust our Russian dreamer. The Napoleon cake is unknown…it’a mille-feuille. In Russia the Napoleon cake is famous. This is a traditional homemade pastry.

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