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This post ran on September 10, 2018, and is part of the historical top ten things not to do lists. I hope you enjoy it.
10 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not practice your Lyre. If you do, at best, you might be mistaken for a leader. At worst, the number one Lyre player might think you are mocking him. (I see a few centurions at your gate, Finnobar. Time to move out.)
9 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to ignore Tiny the WWF champ when he yells instructions. If you do, at best, Tiny will only grab you and toss you over the wall. At worst, Tiny, who just graduated from Gladiator school, will take the opportunity to hone his skills. (Looks like you have the net and Trident Flynn. It might not be a match for the mace and double-edged sword. I would suggest begging.)
8 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wear your I’m a Happy Christian t-shirt today. If you do, at best, no one will notice it. At worst, since the fire is being blamed on Christians, you may meet a lion up close and personal. (I think you need to do more than the “nice kitty” statement, Flannagain.)
7 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to get a refund on your Circus Maximus tickets. If you do, at best, no one will be at the ticket office. At worst, you will be last in a line of 10,000. (Not to worry, Flin. There is always a fire-check for the next show.)
6 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not walk around town with that torch. If you do, at best, people will think you are connected. At worst, someone will get the idea you had something to do with the fire. (Now it looks like you really have to leave town, Fonzell. Wonder what’s happening in Naples?)
5 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not show people in the pub the plans for Domus Aurea, Nero’s palace, to be built on the ruins. If you do, at best, no one in the pub will understand what you have. At worst, one of the customers is a senator. (Looks like you are on the hook as the source of the fire, Forba. I think you ought to ask for a little traveling music and move on.)
4 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to put out the flames if thugs are warning you not to do it. If you do, at best, you might get a black eye. At worst, you might need to answer to Nero as to why you tried to stop the fire. (Not known for his largess, Nero may have you on the next train to Lionsville, Fortino.)
3 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not set up a smores stand. If you do, at best, you’ll have a few customers. At worst, folks will take your cavalier attitude to heart. (Looks like a gang of residents heading this way has blood in their eyes, Franko. Maybe it’s time to pack up.)
2 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wait to evacuate. If you do, at best, you might have to run for your life. At worst, you might get cut off and have to take a leap into the Tiber River. (Sad thing about that sundial, Frang. Shoulda checked to see if it was waterproof before making the leap.)
1 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not think your hotel still offers room service. If you do, at best, you’ll be disappointed. At worst, you’ll wait too long for service and forget to check out when your room starts burning. (Don’t think the bill will be overlooked, Frans. They will find you no matter how far and no matter how long.)
Fiction Favorites 
Definitely a good idea not to be in Rome when it burns by the sound of it and knowing me I am sure I would end up in all sorts of trouble… thanks for the warnings John..hugsx
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Yes. I would stay away from those olive oil urns for sure. 😀
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Interesting list, John.
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Thanks, Pat. 😀
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I might grab a smore on my way out, but only at fire sale prices. Just in case, I’ll buy a pack of six for Tiny.
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You’ll need a pack of 12 for Tiny. He may give you one, or better yet, just hold one back. 😀
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I’d worry that the one I held back would be the one he had his eye on.
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Yeah, it probably would be even if it wasn’t when you started.
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Okay. No to the s’mores. What about just toasting marshmallows on their own?
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Yeah, that’s okay. 😀
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I appreciate the recognition and being cleverly inserted into the script but I’m not happy at all about the use of my middle name…Finnobar❗I told you in the strictness of confidence, Dilbert.🐳
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You got your money, so what’s the problem?
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You don’t know nutin’ bout protecting the middle name bidness🐳
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True that.
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Great advice, John, and a fascinating historical event. 😲
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It was. I’m not sure everyone liked it at the time, though. Thanks, Tim.😀
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😊
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I’m not gonna lie, the t-shirt one made me snort. And I’m fairly certain if you forget to check out of that hotel room somehow the establishment will find a way to charge you for smoke and fire damage.
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They have your papyrus after all.
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Dang! I was going to ask about bring marshmallows and there it is in #3.
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Geniuses think alike. What can I say?
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I like the idea of a s’mores stand! And of course, you can always fiddle.
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So true, Noelle. You need to sign in.
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I’m so glad I went to Rome in 2002 and not AD 64. But great advice should I have been there.
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Yes. Much better nowadays. Thanks, Esther.
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I kind of hear fiddle music coming out of Washington. There’s nothing new under the sun.
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