This post continues the historical backdrop for the Top Ten Things Not to Do. If you were there at the time, there are ten things that you should take care not to do. This post ran on November 19, 2018

Top Ten Things Not to Do When William Tell Shot the Apple Off His Son’s Head in 1307

10 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not sneeze at the critical point when he takes aim. If you do, at best, William will bless you with a Gesundheit. At worst, your sneeze will throw him off, and you will be the next in line for the apple shot. (Lucky for you, he missed his son’s head, Flavien. Now it is your turn, and William looks very angry.)

9 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to stand in for you. If you do, at best, Tiny will eat your apple. At worst, Tiny, who just left the Apple Shot Near-Miss veterans support group, will be traumatized by the offer. (Tiny works out his trauma by doing body slams, Florian. I think you’d better start looking for a soft place to land.

8 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start humming the William Tell Overture. If you do, at best, someone will like the tune. At worst, you may be accused of being a warlock since Rossini did not write it until 1829. (A couple of dips in the dunking chair will help clear that music out of your head, Florian. Can’t imagine why you would give in to an earworm anyway.)

7 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not fail to bow in respect to the hat that the newly appointed Austrian Vogt, Albrecht Gessler, has placed on a pole. If you do, at best, no one will see you not bow. At worst, you will be arrested for not doing the same thing William Tell did not do. ( I hope you know how to shoot a crossbow, Fonzo. It looks like you have to hit a crabapple off of Tiny’s head. If you miss, Tiny will be very upset. Especially if you hit him.)

6 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not wear your Austrians Suck t-shirt. If you do, at best, the Austrians will think you are joking. At worst, the Austrians will think you are a leader of the Swiss independence movement. (Now you’ve done it, Forseti. The next time you see daylight, it will be at your hanging. Enjoy the brief view.)

5 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not open a stand and begin selling Swiss chocolate. If you do, at best, the Austrians will like the chocolate. At worst, your chocolate will be declared contraband, and you will be declared a revolutionary. ( I told you to stick with Speckknödel, Francesco. Now look at the fine kettle of fish you’ve gotten yourself into.)

4 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not ask William for his autograph. If you do, at best, he will blow you off. At worst, he might give you to the count of five to see if you can outrun a crossbow bolt. (Don’t forget, Frandscus, William just shot the apple off his son’s head. I don’t think he thinks of himself as a hero.)

3 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not offer William a contract to take his apple shooting show on the road. If you do, at best, William will be in a good mood and ignore you. At worst, William will sign the agreement with the understanding that you will have the apple on your head. (Well, a contract is a contract, Frannsaidh. Looks like you are signed up for a thirty-city tour… or one depending.)

2 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start selling T-Shirts that say I’m the Apple of my Daddy’s Eye. If you do, at best, William won’t see them. At worst, William’s sense of humor will have hit an all-time low, and your T-shirts pushed him over the edge. (Looks like those shirts are going to make a nice bonfire, Franziskus.)

1 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start taking odds on whether William will hit the apple or his son. If you do, at best, no one will tell him. At worst, William will find out about your activities and come looking for you. (I would stay under that table, Frazier. I don’t think you want to explain yourself right now.)