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The anniversary of the first French settlement in Quebec, in 1608, by Samuel de Champlain, is in July. It might be fun to go there, but there are some things we need to be careful about. Take this list, and maybe you will avoid an international incident or a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First French Settlement in 1608

10 If you are at the settlement, do not think everyone should speak English. If you do, at best, no one will talk to you. At worst, you might be called a Britanique and tossed out into the snow. (These French take their language seriously, Issac. Best not mess with them.)

9 If you are at the settlement, do not mess with Tiny the WWF champ’s Molson Ale supply. If you do, at best, you’ll get a hand slap. At worst, you won’t have the use of your right arm for a few weeks. (Don’t be concerned, Ivan. The feeling should return. After all, no bones were broken.)

8 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for an order of Poutine (Cheese curds, French fries, and brown gravy). If you do, at best, you’ll get some strange looks. At worst, you’ll describe the dish, and everyone will rush to leave the room. (Any wonder you scared them, Isaiah? Although the plate was developed in Quebec, it did not become popular until the 1950s.)

7 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for pancakes and maple syrup. If you do, at best, you’ll get strange looks. At worst, your description of extracting sap and refining it into syrup will get you a few minutes in the dunk tank. (You have to remember, Ignacio. The giant Quebec maple syrup reserves are a modern development.)

6 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for a bag of milk. If you do, at best, you’ll be led to a cow. At worst, once you describe your request, you will convince the locals that you need to be given a foot warming on the stake. (You keep getting the modern confused with the ancient, Irving. If you keep it up, you may never get out of there.)

5 If you are at the settlement, do not ask for directions to the nearest Tim Hortons. If you do, at best, you’ll get a vague finger point meaning, “Out there, Eh?” At worst, when you describe Tim Hortons, you will have the entire settlement up in arms over a donut. (They are looking to you to deliver, Ira. Best get cracking on a donut-and-coffee delivery. That one guy looks particularly anxious. Yeah, the one with the musket.)

4 If you are at the settlement, do not wish out loud for a box of KD. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, a few will overhear your mutterings and want some too. (Now you have gone and done it, Isiah. You have created a demand for Kraft Dinner long before the product is available. Well, hopefully, they will all forget about it by the time it is introduced in 1937.)

3 If you are at the settlement, do not correct the spelling of certain words. If you do, at best, they will be changed back. At worst, the speller will become angry with your attempts. (Even though you may think it is okay to correct the spelling to American usage, Ingmar. I would fetch your own coffee if I were you.)

2 If you are at the settlement, do not attempt to describe Justin Bieber. If you do, at best, people will think you are joking. At worst, the elders will pass a resolution to hunt down anyone named Bieber. (You have made a time continuum mistake, Immanuel. Lucky, the elders also agree to deport any Biebers to America, where they will flourish for some unknown reason.)

1 If you are at the settlement, do not refer to a monetary coin as a loonie. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh. At worst, the population will wonder where you came from and, as a result, will need to have an inquisition. (The fact that the Canadian one-dollar “loonie’ was introduced in 1987 is not going to help you, Ida. I think you’re going to enjoy your time in the stocks. Better pray your butt holds out.)