Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Start of a New American Football Season

~ John W. Howell

 

Photo by Keith Johnston on Unsplash

Yes, it’s true. We are beginning the pre-game season. I thought I would put together a list that will hopefully lead to a more enjoyable season for all. (Notice I labeled it American football in deference to the name the rest of the world calls soccer) This post ran first on August 19, 2019.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Start of a New American Football Season

10 At the start of the football season, do not try to change entertainment providers. If you do, at best, you’ll have a sports bar close. At worst, you will be hanging aluminum foil off a shirt hanger trying to pick up tonight’s game. (We all know that no matter how you hate your current provider, Isa the new one won’t work for at least 30 days.)

9 At the start of the football season, do not try to hire Tiny the WWF champ to do your yard work so you can watch the game. If you do, at best, he’ll come on Tuesdays. At worst, he will show up on Saturday and will have his broad nose pressed against your window to see the game. (By the way, Islam Tiny just left his separation anxiety group therapy session, and this is no time to tell him to get lost.)

8 At the start of the football season, do not try some tricky recipes for game day. If you do, at best there is still Pizza Hut. At worst, you will know your goose liver pate is being seen as meatloaf when someone asks for catsup. (You should have never tried, Istvan. Your friends would have sooner had meatloaf.)

7 At the start of the football season, do not vow to beat the Joneses with an elaborate tailgate scheme. If you do, at best, the Joneses won’t show up. At worst, Jones has hired an eighteen-wheeler. (To make matters even worse, Ivey, the thing is fully furnished, including a hot tub, kitchen, and a Garth Brooks live performance.)

6 At the start of the football season, do not join the one-hundred-dollar squares game at work. If you do, at best, you will only have spent $100.00. At worst, you didn’t read the fine print, and you are expected to ante $100.00 a week. (Don’t worry, Ixon. That guy with the big nose and muscles isn’t all that bad once you pay up. He may even buy you a beer.)

5 At the start of the football season, do not insist on wearing your team jersey to work on Friday. If you do, at best, your team is very popular with your fellow workers. At worst, your team is playing your bosses’ alma mater this week. (The boss does not look amused, Izod. I think you had better explain that you lost a bet and your team is really the bosses’ team. The boss is not going to buy it, but at least you have plausible deniability, especially if the bosses’ team loses.)

4 At the start of the football season, do not quote every single statistic about every single player during lunch. If you do, at best, everyone will be engaged in other discussions. At worst, sooner or later someone will ask you if you would like a big cup of shut the f–k up. (Now you know you need to be quiet, James. Otherwise, you will know what it is like to eat your lunch all by yourself.)

3 At the start of the football season, do not go shopping for a giant screen TV. If you do, at best, your store will be running a sale. At worst, since they know you and everyone else wants a big screen badly, your store will add 10% to the already outrageous price. (You should have made this purchase during the Fourth of July sale, Joshua. No one wanted a TV then.)

2 At the start of the football season, do not try the old mancave in the garage bit. If you do, at best, your spouse will nix the idea immediately. At worst, you’ll get the mancave set up only to be forced to make room for the cars. (You didn’t think this one out, Jonathan. You see the snow and ice on top of the vehicles is not suitable for them or you when it comes time to try and unfreeze the doors to go to work.)

1 At the start of the football season, do not try to exert dominance over the remote. If you do, at best, others in the house want to watch the same games as you. At worst, no one has any interest in the games you want to watch. (So there you are on the back patio, Jason. Yeah, that’s your breath, you see. I hope you are enjoying watching the game under the same weather conditions it is being played in. Another hot toddy may help.)

65 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Start of a New American Football Season”

  8. What is American Football ?

    I was pulled into the FIFA this year. Imagine a round ball and no hands-just feet. Thus FOOTBALL. What should we call our American game then? I want answers …. 😀

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  11. Yep, let’s drop Super Bowl and go with HogMahBowl…John, it’s remarkable how the brain can remember nonsense like this🐳

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  12. All great suggestions. We never fight over the remote because we both like the same teams! BTW, UNC won its game against TCU in Dublin, Ireland last Saturday. Payback for the drubbing by TCU last years!

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  13. I am fortunate to have a wife who enjoys watching football, and therefore most of the time the remote safely resides on my side of the sofa. However, once the Fall TV season begins, the remote on occasion finds its way to the other side of the cushions. The definition of a “smart” remote, John.😁

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  15. This just might be my favorite time of year, John (of course, it doesn’t hurt that it takes place during the Fall, when it’s supposedly cooler either, right??) Great suggestions. It still amazes me that folks show up at Saturday Mass wearing their team T-shirts and such!

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  23. I don’t have Paramount right now, which means I won’t get Dolphins games. I am so torn up over this, I don’t know what I’ll do! 😉

    As for jerseys, I won’t wear one out of the house any longer. I can’t believe I WAS a jersey wearer at one time, honestly. I have exactly two football jerseys remaining in my closet and they’re a good thirty years-ish old. I wore one to the beach, which I find acceptable. Other than that, it’s an around the house thing.

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      1. I have Apple and Peacock and I enjoy them very much. I also share Netflix with my daughter. And I have Masterclass. That’s plenty of tube watching for me. And honestly, if a game is on one of my platforms, great. If not? I’ll read about it later.

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        1. Speaking of Netflix. We also share it with our daughter. We paused a show, and when we tried to go back, Netflix informed our daughter that there is an additional fee for sharing. Just don’t pause if you are sharing.

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        2. I get a message telling me I’m not supposed to be sharing, or something to that degree. I had a Netflix account for the longest time which my kids used and there was never an issue. Then I dropped Netflix and my daughter got it and all of a sudden, Netflix has a problem with sharing. I just text her when Netflix doesn’t let me in and she goes into her email and voila. I only use the platform once or twice a week.

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