Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator

~ John W. Howell
Image by nakataza02 from Pixabay

This post was published on September 9th, 2019. Since we still take elevators, I think it might be useful

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator

10 If you are in an elevator after inspecting the inspection document, do not mention that the inspection date is overdue. If you do, at best, you have already reached the ground floor. At worst, you are on an express that has 50 levels to go. (Well, you lucked out, Jack. No one on the elevator has a bucket of tar and a feather pillow.)

9 If you are in an elevator, do not stand too close to Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny is busy worrying about the creaking cable. At worst, Tiny, who just left his OCD workshop, has decided his personal space needs to be enlarged. (Yes, Jeremy Tiny is suggesting that you get off at the next stop. I would take the hint which is far better than a full helicopter spin toss-off.)

8 If you are in an elevator, do not think of the big gulp soda you just had before getting on. If you do, at best, you only have a few floors. At worst, the downward motion of the elevator will give you a challenge. (It is not up to me to say, Joel but finishing your tour of the Empire State building with a 32 oz soda might not have been a genius move. Have faith only 100 floors to go. Yeah, that swishing sound does remind me of running water. How about you?)

7 If you are in an elevator, do not open that container of take out garlic chicken. If you do, at best, everyone in the elevator has had garlic for lunch. At worst, your lunch will be a feature on the evening news. (The report about the hazmat emergency in your building was a source of embarrassment huh, Jesse? That photo of you being booked as a chemical warfare terrorist was especially unflattering. I don’t think orange is your color.)

6 If you are in an elevator, do not think you can make room for those giant packages from Ikea. If you do, at best, everyone will get off. At worst, the four people who were bumped and bruised all have excellent lawyers. ( Might be more comfortable to settle out of court, Jeffrey. Those four plaintiffs have formed a class action suit against you. The one with the black eye seems the most unforgiving of all. The others not so much.)

5 If you are in an elevator, remind everyone that your pet lion is friendly. If you do, at best, one or two may pet it. At worst, the first roar may cause a mass evacuation. ( And even a few might get off, Judah. Please give everyone else your card and the name of your cleaner.)

4 If you are in an elevator, do not hum a song. If you do, at best, everyone has earbuds and won’t hear you.  At worst, the occupants will consider you psychotic. (You must wonder why you only made it to the first stop, Jasper. The vigilantes declared you unfit for a further ride. Don’t worry, another will be along shortly. This time stay quiet.)

3 If you are in an elevator, do not look at anyone. If you do, at best, they will be looking at their shoes and miss the connection. At worst, you’ll make eye contact with that big guy in the back. (Now you’ve done it, Jonah. That big guy needs to ask someone if they can spare $5.00 for a train ride back to Connecticut. All you have is a ten? Maybe he will make change.)

2 If you are in an elevator, do not continue your cell phone call. If you do, at best, everyone will be interested in how you know Taylor Swift. At worst, the most annoyed may just take your phone from you. (I think if you ask nicely, they’ll give it back, Josh. Ooops my bad. Looks like you might need a new one.)

1 If you are in an elevator, do not practice emergency procedures in case the cables break. If you do, at best, you’ll be tossed after thirty seconds. At worst, the rest of the occupants will start jumping up and down to try and time hitting bottom in the up position. (As luck would have it, Jaden the cable does break under the weight of twenty folks jumping up and down. Don’t worry, there is an automatic brake system. Well, there should be an automatic brake.)

78 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Elevator”

  8. #3–do not look at anyone. These are all good, but this one made me laugh. Now it seems so many elevators have some kind of mirrored doors. So when they close and you look at them—ack!! Someone is looking at you!! Very awkward!

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        1. It seemed that way at the time. As a side note, it was my wedding anniversary, and I was trying to get home to celebrate. My wife got a call from the New York Port Authority Police saying I would be delayed. (Got home about midnight) I don’t think she ever believed that I was stuck in an elevator.

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  12. The hazmat emergency over garlic chicken made me laugh out loud! As Dan and Liz said in the comments, reading these rules makes taking the stairs look like a luxury. Also, lois is so right—mirrored doors make avoiding eye contact an absolute sport. Great post, John!

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  18. I’m a big fan of stairs. Elevators not so much. I’ve never been stuck in one, and I don’t intend to break that streak. That would not be my idea of a good time, and these reasons bear that out.

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  19. This was a lovely trip down memory land. Despite having a very fast elevator, it was the only thing updated in that building which was probably something…in 1972! Re-entry after a fire drill cleared out a building of 35 floors would take a while even with the speedy cables. That was a fun post, John!

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      1. 25 years in that antique of a building but I gave them props for having a speedy elevator. Our law firm occupied the top 7 floors so I never minded waiting for another car when everyone piled in. I usually arrived a few seconds later and I didn’t have to stop at all the interim floors.

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  22. I would rather be in an elevator with a grown lion than with someone who’s yapping away on their cell phone or toting along some garlic chicken. And seriously, a grown lion is better company than a claustrophobic Tiny or some pain in the ass who won’t stop staring.

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  24. Yes people humming songs in elevators are annoying, but I never say anything. One time I got stuck in an elevator for about half an hour. Luckily there was an alarm button that someone eventually answered. As long as you know someone is coming it is all fine.

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  25. Another hilarious Top Ten, John! 😂 Elevators already have their own special kind of awkwardness, and you’ve managed to turn it into comedy gold. I’ll definitely be thinking about this list the next time those doors close! Thanks for the laughs.

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  26. I remember one like this–an add. “If you get on an elevator talking on your phone and there are four other men on it with you, don’t hang up saying, ‘I have to hang up. Your husband is on the elevator with me.'”

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