Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981.

~ John W. Howell

November marks the 38th anniversary of Microsoft Windows 1.0’s launch in 1981. Most of us were around for this event but probably didn’t pay attention to it when it happened. So let’s go back now that we know what Windows became and view the historic occasion. I have made a list of the Top Ten things not to do as we take a time trip. We wouldn’t want to disrupt the time continuum. This post first ran on November 19, 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981.

10 If you go to the launch, do not ask to see the view from the windows. If you do, at best, you’ll get a blank stare. At worst, Bill Gates will call security since you obviously don’t belong here. (Now you’ve done it, Jody. You’ve drawn attention to yourself by cracking the most inane joke of the day. Here come the guards. Might be time to leave.)

9 If you go to the launch, do not try to take the mouse from Tiny, the WWF wrestling champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will finish playing Pong and give it to you. At worst, Tiny, who hasn’t attended his sharing group session for three weeks, just isn’t in the mood to give up the mouse. (You can do one of two things, Johann. 1. Walk away. 2. Find out what it is like to be slammed to the floor and held down for the count of three. Yeah, walking is a good choice.)

8 If you go to the launch, do not ask how to get on the web. If you do, at best, folks will think you a strange lover of spiders. At worst, you’ll try to explain the worldwide web when public access is ten years away. (Some of the people think you are brilliant, Johnn. Most think you are totally nuts. I think it might be time to go.)

7 If you go to the launch, do not ask about Microsoft Word. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, Bill Gates will become apoplectic since Word is a top-secret project scheduled for launch in 1983. (Those big guys making their way toward you, Jonn, are Gates security men, and they want to have a talk with you. They are thinking of rubber hoses and a water tank. Good luck with that.)

6 If you go to the launch, do not sing the song Cherish by Kool & the Gang thinking you’ll fit in. If you do, at best you’ll have a good voice. At worst, since the song did not become popular until 1985, a Hollywood type wants to sign you to a recording contract. ( So what are you going to do now, Jordain? We have a serious continuum tear possibility here, if you accept that $100,000 advance.)

5 If you go to the launch, do not discuss the sequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you do, at best, you can always say you were kidding. At worst, people will get the idea that you are not from around there. (There are so many scientists here that you may not be able to explain your time-travel situation, Jordy. Best to hit the way back button)

4 If you go to the launch, do not ask Bill Gates’ date if she would like a ride in your Volkswagen Vanagon. If you do, at best, she’ll ignore you. At worst, she will think you are a nutcase. (You see, you may think the Vanagon is cool, Jorg, but in the day there was a definite hippie vibe around it. It looks like Bill has a problem with the freestyle kind of life. Yes, those are police.)

3 If you go to the launch, do not order a Bud Light at the bar. If you do, at best, the bartender will be confused, and you can say, Miller Lite. At worst, since Bud Light was introduced a year later, suspicions will rise. (Most have been looking at you with some skepticism, Jorian; this might be the last straw. Yes, the police have been called.)

2 If you go to the launch, do not pull out a package of Nerds candy. If you do, at best, folks will like them. At worst, someone will ask where to buy Nerds. (Nerds were introduced in 1983, so you may have some trouble telling folks where to get them, Jory. Just tell them these are imported from England. Worked for Skittles.)

1 If you go to the launch, do not wear your Apple Watch. If you do, at best, people will think it’s a toy. At worst, Bill Gates will want one. (How are you going to convince Steve Jobs to make one for Bill, huh, Joselito? I think you are in a real pickle

53 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Launch of Microsoft Windows 1.0 in 1981.”

  1. I went to a launch event in NYC for IBM’s OS/2 Warp. That was a seriously unfunny crowd. I didn’t meet Tiny, but I’m certain he was there. I guess he has a good reputation for policing crowds.

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  5. Somehow I missed the launch. But I did have the first, although somewhat dumb, personal computer in my department. It was useful for typing grant applications.

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  11. It’s pretty amazing to really take a look at the beginning of this bit of technology and see how far it’s advanced in a short period of time. All of these “warnings” are not commonplace to say the least. Great time travel!

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  16. In 1981 I had used three operating systems (high school – and at a local company), Unix, Vax-VMS and Easytreave. However, I had never heard of Windows 1.0 or Microsoft at the time. I once was working with a collegue who told me that he had been a beta tester for Microsoft including for their first Windows OS and he told me that he never thought they would make it.

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      1. I certainly remember Windows 95. I had a collegue sitting in the cubicle next to me and everytime his computer had a blue screen, he screamed on top of his lungs and banged on the table. I jumped every time. I have Windows 95 PTSD.

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