Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC.

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Emily Adams on Unsplash

This post continues the Top Ten Not-to-Do list with historical background. Scholars widely assert that November 25 is the anniversary of the beginning of the great flood in 2348 BC. Pretend you were there, and here is a list that will keep you out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC.

10 In the time of the great flood, do not mock Noah’s boat building so far from water. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, after forty days and nights of rain, you’ll wish you never had. (Good luck on treading water for a few months, Gregory. Those boat jokes seem a little lame now, don’t they?)

9 In the time of the great flood, do not offer Tiny the WWF champ some help with that rhinoceros. If you do, at best, he’ll pass on the assist. At worst, Tiny, who has just finished his group session on self-esteem, will believe you think he can’t load that snorting beast into the Ark. (Now you have to worry about a loose rhinoceros and soothing Tiny’s feelings, Giovanni. I think the rhino might be an easier task.)

7 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah about who is playing in the show lounge. If you do, at best, Noah will think you are joking. At worst, Noah will realize you think the whole boat thingy is a Carnival cruise. (I suppose you should feel grateful Noah allows you to ride in the dinghy, Graham. He could have just tossed you overboard.)

6 In the time of the great flood, do not start singing the Unicorn Song. If you do, at best, Noah will think it cute. At worst, since Noah couldn’t get the unicorns on board, he’ll feel bad. (Don’t forget Noah is 600 years old, Gilbert. He probably never heard of the Irish Rovers, and now you are in the brig on bread and water.)

5 In the time of the great flood, do not smack a pesky mosquito. If you do, at best it will recover. At worst, you just killed one of the two on board. (Although it seems like you did humanity a service, Gustavo, Noah is going to be plenty pissed since he was supposed to have two of everything. I would lay low if I were you.)

4 In the time of the great flood, do not try to bring more than one carry-on bag on the Ark. If you do, at best, the second bag will be floating. At worst, you’ll be caught, and Captain Noah will allow the bags to ride but toss you off. ( I don’t think the punishment is too harsh, Gustavo. What if every being brought two suitcases?)

3 In the time of the great flood, do not try to water ski off the back of the Ark. If you do, at best, you won’t lose your grip on the rope. At worst, the Ark is not going fast enough, and you’ll sink like a stone. (It doesn’t do much good to signal for help, Gerard. That giraffe has no idea what you mean.)

2 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah for a turn at the tiller. If you do, at best, he will turn you down flat. At worst, he will give you a spin. ( The fact that you don’t know North from South is not going to play well here, Gabe. Luckily, the mountain tops are fourteen cubits under the water. What’s a cubit, you ask? Go look it up.)

1 In the time of the great flood, when Noah asks you to release a dove, do not release that duck. If you do, at best, the duck will come back. At worst, the duck will be able to float, so there is no need to return to the Ark. (Noah is now asking you how to determine whether the waters have receded. “Wait until you see land” is not the answer he is looking for, Gideon. Those water wings should help keep you up until you sight land. By the way, that shark following you has not eaten for a couple of weeks.)

34 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC.”

  5. Shiver me timbers. Were their pirates back then?

    By the way, a point of clarification in #2, there was no tiller. They just floated aimlessly. I’ve done that a few times myself.

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  6. Great suggestions for things not to do at the flood time, John. Riding safe on Noah’s boat must have been exciting. Number five is good, even though there have been times when I wished there weren’t mosquitos, especially while loading a guy with malaria on the dust-off helicopter.

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      1. Given my dislike of them, I’d be willing to risk it. But of course all the people who died henceforth from mosquito-borne diseases would live, and that would really change things!

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  8. November 25 did not exist in 2348 BC. The Julian calendar took effect on January 1, 45 BC. The Gregorian Calendar in 1582. So what is this crap about November 25, 2348 BC? There was no such thing as November 25, 2348!

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  14. I feel like you should just squash the other mosquito and call it a day. Maybe Noah won’t notice, and even if he does, imagine how grateful the rest of the world will be.

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