Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

~ John W. Howell

Ten things not to do

The inspiration for this list is a result of thinking of doing home repair projects myself. This list helped me decide otherwise.

10 If your electrical service is out, do not try to diagnose and fix the problem. If you do, at best you’ll melt a screwdriver. At worst, the jolt you receive will clear your mind and sinus. (The manual said the while wire was dead huh, Bandos?)

9 If your pipes leak, do not try the DIY plumber ploy. If you do at best, you can get the leak to stop a little. At worst, you will finally give up when the water level is above your knees. (That last tighten move broke everything loose did it, Berto?)

8 If you need to fix the drywall, do not do it alone. If you do, at best you’ll finally give up. At worst, you’ll pull something that really hurts. (Hope you enjoy the body cast, Brandt. It is only for twelve weeks.)

7 If your roof needs repair, do not go up there. If you do, at best the gutters will break your fall. At worst, you can be heard screaming for blocks as you slide down the roof only to land on Tiny, the WWF champ, who just started his new job at UPS. (Notice how fast Tiny recovers from a sneak attack? Too bad every bone in your body won’t let you run away, Burley.)

6 If your window needs replacement, do not try it alone. If you do, at best it will fall out while your back is turned, At worse, the first wind will cause the window to fall from the second story, just as the minister rings your doorbell. (Belonging to that church was optional right, Burt?)

5 If your siding needs to be replaced, do not do it with friends. If you do, At best no one will get hurt. At worst, the job goes well until your neighbor steps off the ladder thinking he is a ground level. (A little too much beer and the second story does seem like ground level, Boswell.)

4 If there is concrete work to do, do not do it. If you insist, at best the work will look like a kindergarten class project. At worst, the idea of handprints and initials will take on a sinister aspect when you can’t get free. (On TV that Hollywood walk of fame thingy looks easy. Right. Brinsley?)

3 If you have a tree that needs removal, do not think you are Paul Bunyan. If you do, at best the only limbs affected are on the tree. At worst your scream of “timber,” is totally ignored by your house. ( Nice to have that two-story view of the sky isn’t it, Buzzy?)

2 If you have tile work that is necessary, do not think it is as easy as it looks. If you do, at best that herringbone pattern appears like a fun house mirror. At worst, your first shower in the newly tiled space will resemble a melting marshmallow flow. (There was something about waiting for 72 hours for the grout to dry wasn’t there, Bodie?)

1 If your house needs to be power washed, do not think you can do it. If you do, at best you’ll quit in time. At worst, you won’t notice that the stong spray is taking off the paint along with the dirt. (You can also see the lighting fixtures blown into the neighbor’s yard if you pay attention, Burl.)

76 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself”

  3. I believe there to be a reason people go through years of training to become proficient plumbers, electricians, bricklayers etc. What a waste, if these things are as easy as watching a Youtube video or reading it in the Readers Digest DIY book.
    Or maybe I’m just lazy…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. At best Tiny broke the fall. At worst it was just before he broke you. I love the fish up top and the description of the power wash and washed away tile grout, John. It’ll cost a lot more to pay to have the mistakes corrected. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  11. John, I love these lists but Gosh, there are so many of them. I have so many reams of lists of things Not To Do that it has become problematic when I try to do something. Could you please publish a Table of Contents and Appendix to ease our burden?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Great list, John! There isn’t much I attempt to do on my own anymore – especially if it involves a ladder outside. In 1980 I fell off a ladder one story to my paved driveway. I shattered both bones in my left arm… a nightmare. To this day, I tremble when on a ladder.

    Like

  14. These are the very reasons why it’s cheaper (and often, less painful!) to hire a professional. Sure, we all *think* we can do handyman tasks, but the aggravation they can bring is useless when we can find somebody who knows what he/she is doing. Great list, John.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. As to #10: it may well be that you repair an electrical problem at your house just twice at the same time – the first and the last time! 😀
    Have agreat week,
    Pit

    Liked by 1 person

  19. These are very timely in our area as there are so many repairs to be made. Saturday Husband discovered the top of our chimney was gone; he can’t figure out how he did not notice after Harvey. We are contacting the experts on chimney repair. I talk him out of doing most DIY projects these days. You stay safe over there and stick to creative writing!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Home repairs isn’t my favorite thing … but I’ve tried many … I probably hate dry wall work more than anything. … in other words, you’ve provided 10 good reasons to move into a condo … plus always have a list of good maintenance people.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Ha ha, John, you forgot one. If you need the ceiling painted do not ask your father, at best the floor will end up with a delight sprinkle look at worst he will fall of the ladder and crack his hip and your whole family will blame you for ever more [spoken from experience by the way].

    Liked by 1 person

  30. And for the love of god if you replace a toilet be sure to screw back on ALL FOUR mounting bolts and not just two of them or the wax seal will become compromised and you’ll have a mess on your hands, or at your feet. The landlord family that owned a house I used to live in did that once. Not the handiest of people. They also used water based paints for the exteriors.

    Like

Comments are closed.