Author: John W. Howell

I have been working in business for over forty years and now have the time to work in special areas of interest. My passion has always been to create compelling stories of fiction. I have authored six novels and am working on my Seventh. The first novel is still in manuscript form and being utilized as a door stop in the laundry room. The second is a contemporary fiction novel of 89,000 words and is complete and I am currently seeking a publisher. I also write poetry but have not had the guts to share any with anyone. The one time I read a piece to a person their only comment was, “it doesn’t rhyme.” I will continue to write and hopefully my blog, Fiction Favorites at www.johnwhowell.com will provide some entertainment and an interesting thought or two. I live in the Austin area with my wife Molly and an assortment of loving pets.

Ten Things Not to do When You Are Short of Time

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

 

 

Mondays creep up on me sometimes. I guess I should remember how quickly the weekend goes and not be surprised. Needing to do another Top Ten list got me thinking about time and being under the gun so to speak. I decided to use this situation as an inspiration for this week’s list.

Top Ten Things Not to do When you are short on time.

10 If you are short on time, do not stop to talk to sweet old Mrs. Beagly while she walks her dog. If you do, at best the latest tale will have you captive until you are late. At worst, Mrs. Beagly will sense you are trying to avoid a long chat and in doing so she will believe she has cause to stick those pins she has been soaking in bat guano in that doll that has a lock of your hair on its otherwise bald little head.

9 If you are short on time, do not begin mouth to mouth resuscitation on the neighbor who has fallen and can’t get up. If you do, at best you will hurry the process and the neighbor will be able to tell you don’t have your heart in it.. At worst, in spite of hurrying the process you have yet to get a sign of life and because you are late and not that it matters anyway you call time of death about three minutes too early.

8 If you are short of time do not begin surgery on a brain. If you do, a best you may forget something in your haste to finish. (You know, like reconnecting the pleasure center) At worst, you will totally run out of time and unfortunately, once you start there is no good way to pack everything up and  plan on finishing tomorrow so your foursome will just have to find another player or go with three.

7 If you are short of time, do not begin building that rocket to Mars. If you do, at best you might finish with a number of nuts and bolts left over and the answer for this phenomenon is not “they packed extras.” At worst, you may rush through the job and actually finish  only to see your beautiful rocket light up the night sky over Disneyland just in time for the Main Street Parade finale.

6 If you are short of time, do not take flying lessons. If you do, at best you will know only half of what you need when the propeller on your airplane decides to visit a local cornfield. At worst, you will have rushed through so many of the classes dealing with things like fuel starvation, magneto malfunction, preflight check, and navigation that on your cross-country flight you might be intercepted by two F18s flown by two very unhappy looking pilots who signal you to follow them.

5 If you are short of time, do not attempt to prepare an elaborate dinner for your boss and her husband. If you do, at best they might overlook the rare chicken and concentrate on the bone in potatoes. At worst you will give your boss a bad case of salmonella from undercooked food and although you  try to deny it everyone will assume you did it on purpose so you could have he spot.

4 If you are short of time, do not start a mechanical fix on the family car. If you do, at best you may not have time to put the car back together again in time for work tomorrow. At worst, you hurriedly fix the car and while commuting to work you take notice of the tire passing you on the right followed by a loud screech and sparks from the hub hitting the road. This is only the beginning since the tire went on and found its way into the front seat after passing through the windshield of the police car in the oncoming lane.

3 If you are short of time, do not offer to help with the kid’s homework. If you do, at best you will not finish and the child will get an incomplete the next day. At worst, you will do the best you can in the time allowed and will be more than mortified at the failing grade your child received, as well as, the note attached to the homework reminding parents children should do their own work with a PS that the teacher would like you to come in and discuss the issue.

2 If you are short of time, do not offer to help coach your child’s soccer team. If you do, at best the parents will forgive a couple of your absences. At worst, the parents will blame you for the losing season and the stigma will stick with you and your child until the child graduates from high school and for their own good enroll in a college in Spain.

1 If you are short of time, do not offer to watch someone else’s kids for just a moment. If you do, at best the other parent will only be a few minutes late and there will be no harm done. At worst, the other parent will arrive way past the time you were to be at your meeting for the bid parameters on a building. The explanation will range from a “to die for” sale at Niemen’s to “I just lost track of time.” The net result is you have been excluded from the bidding on the new project whose scope has changed from one building to a whole shopping center.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Heal/Heel

~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

 

 

Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again. This week’s prompt is heal/heel and if you would like to join in just click on this link and get all the info. http://lindaghill.com/2015/01/16/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-january-1715 This is my interpretation of heal/heel.

Heal/Heel by John W. Howell ©2015

“So how long do I have to stay like this?”

“Until you realize you need to walk to my right and not pull.”

“This collar is hurting me.”

“Nonsense. It is one of best rated for kindness.”

“My haunches hurt from sitting.”

“Oh, come on. It has been two minutes max.”

“I think it’s going to rain.”

“The weather channel didn’t say anything about rain.”

“You’re a heel you know.”

“Yes, yes, I know. And you are a bad dog you know.”

“Just cause I won’t heel?”

“No, not just cause you won’t heel. Mostly because after all your treatments you refuse to heal.”

“But I want to be a dog.”

“You are not a dog and I’m getting tired taking you for walks.”

“But look how much better I am.”

“Better? You kidding me?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I am better. Just feel my nose.”

Friday – TGIF JohnKu

~ John W. Howell ~ 30 Comments

 

 

Friday at last. The weather has been so cold and miserable the days drag by. I know everyone is having a similar bout of lousy stuff this week. My only salvation is there is no snow. The rain has been pretty steady for a couple of days and at least the driving isn’t affected, unlike the northern areas. I guess we should expect this kind of treatment in mid-January, but it doesn’t make it any more acceptable. Is anyone having nice weather? Let us know about it so we can either be extremely jealous or happy to hear good thoughts. Today’s JohnKu (a term coined by Words 4jp) talks about the weather. Hope you like it.

 

The weather by John W. Howell © 2015

January’s here,

To some it’s a big surprise. . .

Snow, ice, bitter cold.

Wednesday Story Day- AKA Hump Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 31 Comments

 

 

Wednesday Story day is here. Last week we found Billy and Frank inside the bank ready to do the job. All of a sudden Billy needed to use the restroom. Obviously Frank lost it and told everyone in the bank to get on the floor totally ignoring Billy’s needs. Let’s join the pair where we left off.

“Frank I really have to go.”

“Shut up and might I remind you although it’s probably too late. No names.”

“Okay, Mr. X I really have to go.”

“Tell you what Billy, you and I can just grab the money and then you can use the restroom before we go okay?”

“I guess that will work.”

“Okay everyone listen up. We don’t have much time so I want you to remain calm and no one will get hurt.’

“You tell ’em Fr─ er Mr. X.”

“Take this bag you there on the floor. Get up and take this bag.”

“Yeah, take the bag.”

“Shut up Billy.”

“Hey no names.”

“Shut up Billy. Now put as much money as you can into the bag and be quick about it.”

“Yeah quick.”

“What’s that noise Billy? Go to the window and see what it is.”

“Oh my gosh, Fr─ er. Oh my gosh, it’s a bunch of police cars.”

“Damn I guess we will need to take a couple of hostages. You with the money come here.”

“Frank?”

“What now Billy?”

“I don’t have to use the bathroom anymore.”

“That’s just great Billy. I’m so glad to hear you are comfortable while we are about to get our asses blown off.”

“I just thought you didn’t need to worry about it anymore.”

“Thanks, Billy. It was right up at the top of my worry list.”

“See I knew it.’

“Shut up Billy.”

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Writing an Amazon Review

~ John W. Howell ~ 37 Comments

 

 

This week’s list was inspired by reading some Amazon reviews recently. As writers, we always think of Amazon reviews in terms of books. There is a whole other world out there so this includes other categories as well as books. I hope you enjoy.

Ten Things Not to do When Writing an Amazon Review

10 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to use words no one understands. If you do, at best your review will remain unread and a waste of your time. At worst, you will garner a number of WTF comments and will be notorious for your high-handed use of the language.

9 When writing an Amazon review, do not review a product or book you haven’t tried or read. If you do, at best your review will look like the others you copied and will be ignored. At worse, you might analyze what it is inside of you that compels you to seek to be noticed through such a weak platform as Amazon reviews.

8 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to win the word count championship for your review. If you do, at best the length will cause readers to fall asleep. At worst, you will become that reviewer who everyone scrolls through to get to the next pithy statement and will be so noted in the comments section

7 When writing an Amazon review do not think you can attack the quality of the product without cause. If you do, at best those who disagree, will make their thoughts known and those thoughts will follow you everywhere. At worst, you may touch a nerve of a very dedicated fan base who will be committed to eliminating your ability to post other egregious reviews through official and unofficial means. ( you do not want to know the unofficial)

6 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you have to describe every detail of the technical function of the product. If you do, at best you will convince everyone they do not have the skill to operate the product. At worst, you will label yourself as a technical geek who should only be listened to when it comes time to buy a rocket to Mars.

5 When writing an Amazon review, do not include instructions on how to remedy a problem with the product. If you do, at best the reader will avoid the product like the plague. At worst, you will have other purchasers begging you to help them with problems  they are having and will assume you are part of the company’s customer service department. Things will get ugly fast if you don’t help them.

4 When writing an Amazon review, do not use the words or expressions: #BOOM, hubris, über, fantastic, amazing, surreal, surprising, or like. If you do, at best you will join the rest of the world in the lack of originality. At worst, you will be using words that do not describe anything and will lose all credibility as someone who should be taken as a serious opinion leader.

3 When writing an Amazon review, do not pick any sex toys as the target of your insights. If you do, at best there is no way to write a review which will mean the same to another user. At worst, you might find yourself into an area where you will have to expose all your weirdness to the buying public and be surprised when a copy of your review is sitting on the counter in the break room.

2 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you must save the world from having a bad experience. If you do, at best your negative review will be the exception and your review credibility will be gone. At worst, you will demonstrate a vindictive personality which will be used as a benchmark on how effective readers believe your reviews are in the future. Your bad experience might be a singular event which will be evident when the judge finds for the plaintiff in your lawsuit.

1 When writing an Amazon review, do not think your review will not be read by anyone so you need not take care in its construction. If you do, at best all the typos and inaccurate statements will make you appear the fool. At worst, this review may show up in social media as one that by its very sloppiness needs to be mocked to the fullest. Thinking you are anonymous won’t help when a copy of the review is circulated in the company e-mail with the headline, “Look What our Crack PR Department Does in its Spare Time.”

Opposite – Prompt for Steam of Consciousness Saturday

~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

 

Steam of Consciousness Saturday is upon us again. This week’s prompt is “opposite” and can be taken in any direction. If you would like to know more about SoCS visit Linda Hill at http://lindaghill.com/2015/01/09/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-january-1015/

Here is my Interpretation of opposite. Hope you enjoy.

Opposite by John W. Howell ©2015

“I said to take the opposite chair.”

“I’m sorry I thought you said this one.”

“No that one opposite me over there.”

“Yes sir.”

“I called you in today to have a discussion about your last assignment.’

“Oh, that’s strange.”

“What’s strange?”

“Your assistant told me the opposite.”

“What opposite?”

“He said you wanted to give me a new assignment.”

“Um I don’t see how he could have said that. I told him the opposite. I told him I wanted to discuss your last assignment.”

“So which is it your version or your assistant’s version?”

“There is only one version. Mine.”

“Okay. Opposite of what I was led to believe, but you’re the boss.”

“Sometimes I wonder.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. I suppose you know your last assignment was a failure.”

“I think it was opposite. A success.”

“Yes I would suspect you would think that way. What about the hundred thousand dollar overrun of the budget?”

“Bad budgeting.”

“What about the unfinished sections.”

“Not necessary.”

“What about the federal investigation?”

“Politics.”

“What about the lawsuits?”

“Too many lawyers.”

“Well, I’m going to do the opposite of what I thought I would do with you.”

“What’s that?”

“Give you a promotion and hope you will do the opposite of what I expect.”

“You expect me to fail. Right?”

“Right. So now maybe you’ll succeed.”

“I don’t know. It’s a lot of pressure knowing you think I’ll do the opposite of fail. I just might not do the opposite.”

“Lucky me the day you married my daughter.”

 

Friday – JohnKu – TGIF

~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

 

 

Friday again and I must say after the holiday last week this Friday seemed to take forever to get here. I don’t think it is my imagination since for whatever reason I really did only work three days last week. I took off New Year’s day to watch the Baylor Bears lose to Michigan State. The funny thing was I graduated from Michigan State and was rooting for the Bears. I should explain. My daughter went to Baylor graduating in 2011 and I guess I wanted to cheer on the place where I spent the most money. I remember when I attended Michigan Stare the cost was $186.00 a term (three terms in the year) for tuition. I think my daughter’s cable bill was higher than that. I won’t go into the obvious relative comparison data like a gallon of gas was nineteen cents just suffice it to say I followed the money on this one. Today’s JohnKu (a term coined by Words4jp) talks to how post vacation weeks are a pain. Hope you like it.

Full Time by John W, Howell ©2015

Full week, no time off,

Is unfair labor practice . . .

After holiday.

 

 

Wednesday Story Day – AKA Hump Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 13 Comments

 

 

Wednesday is story day as we all know by now. Last week we left Billy and Frank outside the bank and they were just about to go in and Frank detected that Billy wasn’t fully focused on the task. This week will be different. They are actually going to go through the doors. So let’s pick it up where Frank and Bully go through the double glass doors

“Okay, Billy stay with me now. I’m going to start yelling for everyone to get down on the floor.”

“Frank?”

“What now Billy?”

“I have to use the restroom.”

“Billy WTF? Why didn’t you tell me this before we got inside?”

“I knew you would get mad.”

“Mad? I’m not mad I’m frustrated. I’m standing here with an automatic pistol under my coat and you have to go to the bathroom.”

“Can’t this just wait a minute until I get back?”

“Oh, sure Billy. You just go ahead. Don’t forget to smile nicely for the cameras, dab on some cologne and wash your hands after.”

“Well geeze Frank. You don’t have to be mean.”

“Mean? What are you talking about?”

“You didn’t have to tell me to wash my hands. I always wash my hands.”

“That’s not the point Billy. We are in the middle of a holdup. Can’t you wait?”

“My mom says you should not hold it. You could hurt something. You think they have cologne in there?”

“Please shut up Billy.”

“I’ll be right back. Why don’t you pretend you are filling out a deposit slip?”

“I’ll give you a deposit alright. Okay go. Don’t touch anything.”

“I have to touch things Frank.”

“I mean don’t leave your fingerprints all over the place.”

“Okay, Frank I’ll be careful.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet you will. Hurry.”

“I’ll be quick as a bunny. Frank?”

“What?”

“Where is the men’s room?”

“Shut up Billy. Alright everyone on the floor. This is a hold up.”

“Frank?”

“Pull out your gun and forget the men’s room. I’m serious. Everyone on the floor and no one gets hurt.”

“I’m hurting Frank.”

“Shut up Billy.”

Ten Things Not to do In Customer Service Lines

~ John W. Howell ~ 33 Comments

 

 

This list was inspired by standing in line at Wal-Mart to return a screwdriver that broke. I know, why would I buy a screwdriver at Wal-Mart? Long story. Let’s just say it was an emergency purchase that did not go well. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to do in Customer Service.

10 If you are next at the customer service desk, do not fall asleep. If you do, at best you will get yelled at by the crowd. At worst, you will not hear the word “Next” and will be knocked off your feet by the person behind you. This could lead to a severe injury or worse falling on your returns which could be glass Christmas ornaments.

9 If you are at the customer service desk, have your receipt ready. If you don’t, at best you will take precious time to find it causing your line mates to want to kill you with their bare hands. At worst, the time it takes to find the receipt will be multiplied exponentially for the last person in line who might just pass away from old age.

8 If you are in line at customer service, do not sigh loudly when the person in front of you does not have a receipt. If you do, at best you may get some evil looks and bad words. At worst, the person at the customer service desk will take the exception to your sigh and you may have to defend your audacity with real knuckles,

7 If you are at the customer service desk and have lost your receipt, do not try to talk the clerk into a refund. If you do, at best you will waste yours and everyone else’s time. At worst, you might just be in the presence of a classical professor from the local college who will figure out how to have you towed by your feet around the city much like Achilles dragged Hector around Troy.

6 If you are in line at customer service, do not believe you will get to the desk quickly. If you do, at best you will cause your blood pressure to rise. At worst, you will initiate internal tension that could culminate in a rampage through the store certainly leading to your arrest if not mandatory treatment in the local state mental hospital.

5 If you are planning to go to customer service, do not drink that big gulp of cola before arriving. If you do, at best you will be mildly uncomfortable as the line creeps along. At worst, you will have a full-out emergency and will be unsuccessful having someone hold your place. You will lose your place in line and have to begin all over again.

4 If you are in the customer service line and feel faint, do not fall down and try to remain in place. If you do fall down, at best you will lose your place in line. At worst you will lie in the store unnoticed by store personnel until closing time. Of course, all the patrons who pass your comatose body will secretly be grateful to you for dropping out of line and making their wait shorter.

3 If you are at the end of the line at customer service, do not look to the front for the purpose of trying to figure out how long the wait will be. If you do, at best you will calculate the wait to be more time than you thought. At worst, when you divide the amount of transaction time by the number of available hours the result will be more hours than the store is open. This will cause a feeling of panic which has at its root the fact that you traveled fifteen miles out of your way getting here and do not have the time to wait.

2 If you finally get to the front of the line at customer service, do not try to explain anything to the clerk. If you do, at best you will waste time by missing the critical questions on whether the item is damaged and would you like the refund in cash or on the card? At worst, you will tell the clerk enough to give away the fact that the item was a gift and that the receipt is actually a forgery which was produced by your uncle while currently serving time in the federal penitentiary for making phony hundred-dollar bills. (it really is a good forgery though)

1 Once you have finished with the customer clerk, do not take the time with idle chit-chat. If you do, at best you will have the clerk yelling “I can help the next customer here,” over your attempt to be friendly. At worst, you might just cause a swell behind you of those wanting you to move which might lead to several of the older people being pushed down and are incapable of getting up because their Life Alert is out of batteries and they were in line for a rain check for the battery special which now looks impossible.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday

~ John W. Howell ~ 14 Comments

 

Stream of consciousness Saturday time again. This week’s prompt is “t” which can be used as a start of a word or included in a word. If you would like to know more go here: http://lindaghill.com/2015/01/02/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-january-315/  You may even want to join in. My contribution to ‘t” is as follows:

Tea by John W. Howell © 2015

“Terry, tell Tom that two toads want Tea.”

“Tom can’t touch the tea today. The trembles.”

“Terrible. Tell Tom to try.”

“Tell Tom? Thanks, Teddy. Telling Tom to try tends to trade time temporarily.”

“Tell Teddy the truth.”

“Tom tends to transfer terror to Terry.”

“Touching Terry. The trouble to tell Tom transfers terror to Terry?”

“That tends to truth Teddy.”

“Terrific. Tempting trade though.”

“That’s it. Terry quits.”

“Turkey Terry.”