Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Sitter

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

 

This post ran on July 16, 2018. Since sitters are still in fashion, I think it might still be good advice.

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The inspiration for this list was a discussion about Alexa and what would happen if one asked Alexa remotely to turn on the lights and music while a sitter was in the house. That was just the priming of the pump I needed to develop Ten Things.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Sitter

10 If you have a sitter, do not say, “Help yourself to anything in the fridge.” If you do, at best, the sitter will be on a diet. At worst, that week’s worth of shopping that you just put in the fridge will need to be replaced tomorrow. (It is amazing how someone so small can put away that kind of food huh, Eaton?)

9 If you have a sitter, do not ask Alexa to turn on the lights and music from a remote location. If you do, at best, the sitter will call the police. At worst, Your sitter, Tiny, the WWF champ, who you hired after the local minister said he needed a chance to be responsible, will knock out each wall with a lamp trying to protect the kids. (Well, the joke is on you, Ed. Looks like your good deed did not go unpunished.)

8 If you have a sitter, do not let them invite their friends over. If you do, at best, the police will be called early. At worst, you will be reading how the party that started at your house spread to a city-wide night of rampage. ( That bill for repairs looks like the national debt, Eddy.)

7 If you have a sitter, do not let them prepare dinner. If you do, at best, 100% of your dishes will find their way to the sink. At worst, the fire department could not find a working hydrant and could only watch as your house became a vacant lot. (Lucky for you, there is insurance. Oh, wait! Someone forgot to send in the premium, and the cancellation notice is in the former mailbox, Elton.)

6 If you have a sitter, do not let them use your computer. If you do, at best, your data cap was reached in two hours, and now you have dial-up speed for the rest of the month. At worst, your computer picked up so many viri the tech at the computer store declared it a DOA. ( It is a shame that you never backed up that 100,000-word novel, Evander.)

5 If you have a sitter, do not let them choose a movie on pay TV. If you do, at best, they will fall asleep after only one selection. At worst, you receive your bill and note that the sitter selected twenty movies and only watched six minutes of each. (Well, Ever. The charges stick after five minutes. You never said, “Just pick one.”)

4 If you have a sitter, do not leave the liquor cabinet unlocked. If you do, at best, your sitter is a teetotaler. At worst, unbeknownst to you, your sitter was just released from a twelve-step residency program. The array of bottles was just too much. (Well, this is a fine mess. Not only is all your liquor gone, but the sitter insists that you need to pay for another stay in the clinic. After all, Elwood. You were the one who left that temptation.)

3 If you have a sitter, do not leave your checkbook on the kitchen counter. If you, at best, the pizza box will cover it. At worst, on the next statement, you’ll find that the sitter has given a self-issued generous tip. (Don’t try to find the sitter, Eadward. Russia has no extradition treaty with the US.)

2 If you have a sitter, do not tell your friends who it is. If you do, at best, the sitter availability will be rare. At worst, you will be in a bidding war for the sitting service and will only quit when the sitter earns more than you. (You would like to make that kind of money, wouldn’t you, Eamon?)

1 If you have a sitter, do not let your kids influence your choice. If you do, at best, none of your rules will be followed. At worst, before you know it, you have an additional member of the family, and now you have to get a new sitter. (At least all the kids get along, Eberhard.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Heat Index is Above 110 degrees F (43.3 C)

~ John W. Howell ~ 92 Comments

 

This post ran on July 23, 2018. Here we are in August, almost a month later, facing the same situation.

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The inspiration for this list was yesterday’s high temperature and high humidity.

10 If the heat index is above 110, do not do your 10K run. If you do, at best, your water will run out at 5K. At worst, passersby will wonder what you are doing in the community fountain. (Look like the police wonder the same thing, Edan. I think your reason should be a little better than “Trying to cool off” since only a fool, crazy person, or drunk person would be running today.)

9 If the heat index is above 110, do not fail to say “excuse me” if you accidentally bump into Tiny, the WWF Wrestling champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will be too hot to care. At worst, Tiny, who just walked out of his affiliation addiction support group, will honestly believe you hit him on purpose. (Coupled with the heat and Tiny’s need to be liked, I think you are headed for a harrowing afternoon, Edward. Running will only make him madder.)

8 If the heat index is above 110, do not get out that lawnmower. If you do, at best, there will be no gas. At worst, you will get halfway finished before the case of heat stroke hits you. (The sad part is in addition to the hospital stay, you are in violation of your homeowner’s association rules on lawn care. You better have someone finish the lawn, Efraim, before Mrs. Jones spots that half-done lawn cut.)

7 If the heat index is above 110, do not go tenting as planned. If you do, at best, you won’t need a fire to heat your coffee water. At worst, during the night, the local bear family gets the idea you are a specially prepared dish called a naked ape roasted in canvas. (Yeah, there is no way you are going to talk them out of a meal, Eisa. Might as well give up that sirloin you were going to have tomorrow and count yourself lucky at that.)

6 If the heat index is above 110, do not think you will make it home with that gallon of ice cream. If you do, at best, you should take a spoon. At worst, you’ll arrive home with a leaking container of melted ice cream, which will leave a trail across the new carpet as you head for the kitchen. (I think you might just continue out the back door, Elazar. Pretty hard to explain the new chocolate on the white wool decorating scheme. As you leave, I would do a serpentine maneuver. Harder for a shooter to hit.)

5 If the heat index is above 110, do not think being on a body of water is going to cool you. If you do, at best, the boat has a canopy, so you won’t die. At worst, you will remember the poem The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner as you whisper through parched lips, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” (Time to get on the radio and call for help, Elfred. Of course, you will be lucky if anyone will answer a crazy man.)

4 If the heat index is above 110, do not escape the heat in the corner bar. If you do, at best, the bartender will allow you to stay while sipping one drink. At worst, you will think you have to keep consuming drinks while sitting on the bar stool. (Now that you have beaten the heat tell us how you are going to get home, Elija. You certainly can’t drive and walking is impossible as well. Maybe if you could talk, you could ask for a cab.)

3 If the heat index is above 110, do not go ahead with that cookout. If you do, at best, your guests will all cancel. At worst, they all show up and take on available liquid at an unprecedented rate. (Too bad all you are offering is your famous trash can punch, Elkhanah. It seems that no one is still standing as you serve your equally renowned ribs. Good thing you have lots of floor space.)

2. If the heat index is above 110, do not ignore the power company’s warnings about conserving electricity consumption. If you do, at best, everyone else does, and you have no loss of power. At worst, your electricity shuts down, and you are now faced with a night of sleeping in a house with a heat index of 120. (Why is it that when the electricity goes off, it gets hotter, Elmo? Must be a law of some kind.)

1 If the heat index is above 110, do not forget your children and pets need extra care. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky that the neighbor rescued them, and they will be fine. We don’t want to think of the worst case. (Just keep them cool, Elwin. And for heaven’s sake, don’t leave anyone in the car, A/C or not. By the way, the neighbor has challenged you to a duel.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have Fallen Behind on Social Media

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

 

This post was published on July 2, 2018, but I think it has relevance today. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came from Linda Leinen, the author of the terrific blog Task at Hand. 

We were commenting on one of my Top Ten posts, and she wondered, “Have you ever done a Top Ten Things to Do for people who are trying to get caught up online?” I indicated that I could do the reciprocal of that thought, and here it is today. Thanks, Linda, for the question.

Linda has had unique experiences, and visiting her blog will be rewarding.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Have Fallen Behind on Social Media

Here is the list. (Anyone who might think this list is serious, please be advised it is a broad satire statement regarding our phobic belief that social media is indispensable)

10 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not make up an excuse like, “I have been so busy being successful with my new bestseller; I just haven’t had time for you little people.” If you do, at best, you’ll lose a few followers. At worst, you might wake up to the sound of crickets on all your social media accounts. (Where did all those followers go, Ermanno?)

9 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not panic and accept a friend request from just anyone. If you do, at best, you may have a long list of people you don’t know. At worst, you might accept a friend request from Tiny, the WWF champ, just after his online romance fell apart. (You gotta hope the one hundred direct messages from Tiny are just a fluke for today, Ervin. Heaven knows you don’t want to unfriend him. Ever.)

8 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think that by posting more, you will be back sooner. If you do, at best, it will just make the problem more intense. At worst, now your followers will think you are having some kind of psychological break and will hit unfollow faster than a duck on a June bug. (Never thought more is less, did you, Esbjorn?)

7 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not just delete all the comments to which you cannot respond. If you do, at best, some will not notice. At worst, a large group of followers will think you passed away and will start a GoFundMe campaign for a memorial. (That is if you are well-liked, Eskil. More than likely, there will be a host of unfollows)

6 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not check yourself into a treatment center. If you do, at best, you’ll be discharged immediately as a ‘nothing wrong here person.’ At worst, you’ll inadvertently make up some mental problem, which will take ten weeks of group therapy before you are set free. (That will teach you to run away from your problems, Este. Now what?)

5 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not run away to a cabin in the woods. If you do, at best, you’ll aggravate the bears. At worst, while you are off the grid, a new social media form will be invented, and when you return, you will be hopelessly behind this one as well. (Ever hear of Moore’s Law, Eumaeus. You are now in the dark ages.)

4 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not attempt to compensate by eating ice cream. If you do, at best, the time spent eating will get you further back. At worst, your ice cream bill and your extra pounds will go up in equal proportions. (It doesn’t help to eat ice cream while on a stationary bike, Eurypylus.)

3 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not call the suicide hotline. If you do, at best, they will hang up. At worst, you’ll get someone who has a difficult time understanding the severe nature of your angst and will start cracking jokes about your condition. (You have to admit, Eustis. Your problem is pretty minor compared to that of other folks.)

2 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not call 911 for help. If you do, at best, the line will be busy. At worst, the officers dispatched to your house will hand you a citation for a false emergency. (Of course, Everard, there could be a minor miracle where one of the officers is behind on social media as well. If so, you are saved.)

1 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think all those busy folks who stay current with you will simply ignore your faux pas. If you do, at best, you will experience the sound of silence. At worst, you must curry forgiveness by inventing an ironclad excuse. (The only reason that is not debatable as to its harmful interference with your social media obligations is to tell everyone you are recovering from brain surgery. Of course, Evyn, you can’t fall behind again.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Making a Top Ten Things Not to Do List

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

 

This post was run on June 25, 2018. It still may make some sense.

Top Ten Things Not-to-Do While Making a Top Ten Things Not-to-Do List

10 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not search the internet for top ten ideas. If you do, at best, your creativity will be stilted. At worst, you’ll start duplicating others’ work without knowing it. (Looks like that plagiarism charge is going to stick, Elder. There goes the old writing career.)

9 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, to preview the ridiculous stuff you wrote about him. If you do, at best, Tiny left his reading glasses at home. At worst, Tiny just left his self-esteem support group and is now taking everything you wrote literally. (I wouldn’t worry about getting your shredded paper back, Elia. I think I would begin to move towards the door.)

8 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not check with a loved one to see if it is funny. If you do, at best, you’ll be disappointed with the response. At worst, you’ll get a reminder about how beautiful it would be if you had a real job. (You can’t expect everyone to like your stuff, Ellery. Keep looking; maybe you’ll find one person who does.)

7 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not stare at people who will eventually end up on the list. If you do, at best, one may ask you, “Are you looking at me?” At worst, you might be taken for a stalker and have to explain yourself. (As you can see, the police have no interest in your list-making career, Elson. They just want you to come quietly.)

6 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not make the subject so obscure no one will get it. If you do, at best, your readership may drop. At worst, you will be explaining your meaning for the next ten years. (So why do you suppose nobody got the Top Ten things not to do in a Barnyard, Emery? I thought it was fascinating.)

5 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not make a list so familiar that everyone will think you did these things. If you do, at best, you’ll look like a fool. At worst, the FBI opens a file about you, and you get this strange feeling you are being followed. (Don’t look now, Emilin, but there is a black SUV at the end of your block.)

4 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not think the subjects will come to you if you drink more. If you do, at best, you can run one you published before. At worst, you will actually hit publish without waiting until the morning after to proofread the work. ( You know those seven words George Carlin said can’t be used on the radio? Well, Emrys, you used each one in your post. They aren’t allowed there either.)

3 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not think you have to be practical. If you do, at best, your work will be as dry as unbuttered rye toast. At worst, you’ll get mail from folks more practical than you telling you how your list is impractical. ( just shows to go ya, Endymion. You can’t please all the people all the time. Gotta stick with fiction.)

2 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not stop until you have ten things. If you do, at best, you’ll look like you had a bad night. At worst, folks will be looking for the tenth item and will assume you are holding out on them. (Okay, so it is not such a big deal, Enrico, but some of your regulars are talking about a boycott. Who advertises ten and then publishes only nine? Crazy people, that’s who.)

1. If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not think you will be discovered someday. If you do, at best, you’ll still work in the dark. At worst, you will create a false expectation that your lists are the key to fame. (It looks like another day has passed without that million seller, Ericson. Maybe you need to make another list.)

Top Ten Things Not to Put Off When You Have a Lot to Do

~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

This Post was published on May 17, 2018. I think it is still relevant.

Top Ten Things Not to Put Off When You Have a Lot to Do

Living long enough to experience what happens when things are put off inspires this list. Not all of these things have occurred, but enough to give me the title of Consultant on What Not to Put Off.

10 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off buying an anniversary present. If you do, at best, you’ll have to spend more to find a gift. At worst, what you want to give is no longer available, and your second choice falls way short. (That pair of rubber dish gloves just didn’t have the same panache did it, Emanuele?)

9 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying Tiny, the WWF champ, the ten bucks you borrowed. If you do, at best, you won’t run into Tiny. At worst, you’ll meet Tiny just after he leaves his financial planner with the news that he is broke. (Right now would be a good time to have that ten spot out where Tiny can see it, Emesto. There won’t be time once he grabs you by the throat.)

8 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off responding to that traffic ticket. If you do, at best, you can cover the late fee. At worst, a rookie police officer will see you drive by and will have memorized the license plates of all the outstanding warrants for this week. (Yes, those lights and sirens mean to pull over, Emo. You better hope someone can come and bail you out. Oh, and don’t worry about your new car. The wrecker folks got that name for a reason.)

7 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying that final notice on the water and electric bill. If you do, at best, you might get a grace period. At worse, you planned on filling the bathtub and buying some candles but were caught by surprise. (How do those shins feel after hitting that coffee table five times, Enceladus?)

6 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off filing your taxes. If you do, at best, you will remind the IRS agent of his father. At worst, you will remind the IRS agent of her ex-husband. (Why do the terms ‘delinquent, fine, and jail term’ keep coming up in the discussion, Eoin?)

5 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off renewing your auto or driver’s license. If you do at best, a wait at the DMV is the only penalty. At worst, just when some eyewitness of a bank robbery described a car like yours, a state police officer pulled in behind you. (Don’t think these guys aren’t going to have guns drawn, Eren. The bank robber will probably get a lighter sentence than driving with expired plates and license.)

4 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off sending your house insurance premium. If you do, at best, your banker will remind you. At worst, the rare piece of space junk entering the atmosphere and landing on your house will remind you of the forgotten check. (Don’t worry, Erin. Insurance companies have huge hearts and will likely forgive your oversight. Believe that, and I have an underwater lot I think you would like.)

3 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off making those airline reservations to attend the mandatory company seminar. If you do, at best, you’ll have a center seat on a packed plane. At worst, you’ll be on standby, and as luck would have it, there are no seats available. (Who would have thought that Dubuque, Iowa, was such a popular destination, Erskine? You can tell by the tension in the voice that the boss is not going to forgive and forget.)

2 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying that credit card bill. If you do, at best, you’ll rack up a big late fee. At worse, just when you are trying to impress someone by grabbing the dinner check, the waiter comes back and tells you in a loud voice that your card has been denied. (You can try all you want to explain a bank error, Eske. Your soon-to-be ex-client isn’t believing your story.)

1 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off double checking your parachute before your skydive this weekend. If you do, at best, it was done right. At worst, you will find yourself in a position of having to hope the spare will do the job. (After all, Estanislao, you have gained a few pounds. Oh, and that go-cam recording should be hilarious, so let’s hope you are there to enjoy it.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Photographing Doors

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

This post ran on April 16, 2018. When it ran, Dan Antion was a participant in the Thursday Doors feature. He is now the lead and has just finished a major story prompt with the doors as inspiration. This post is in recognition of the outstanding job he and all the participants did on this creative effort.

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This list is inspired by the Thursday Door prompt as interpreted by Dan Antion. I have often wondered what would happen if certain things went wrong when looking at his photos. So here they are, and I’m glad to report that Dan has done none of these things.

10 If you are taking door photos, do not ignore that no trespassing sign. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning shot. At worst, the owner will have a pack of wild dogs trained to discourage trespassing. (You finally found out how quickly you can run, Donahue. Too bad those dogs are faster.)

9 If you are taking door photos, do not keep shooting pictures while Tiny, the WWF Champ, is waving at you. If you do, at best, he is friendly. At worst, he just entered the witness protection program and thinks you are on the opposite team. (This would be a good time to try out those new Nike running shoes, Donato. Oh dear, you forgot to wear them? Try not to scream then.)

8 If you are taking door photos, do not try to shoot and drive. If you do, at best, you’ll get many photos of your reflection. At worst, you are so occupied you miss that curve. (Looks like you are in someone’s bedroom, Donny. I think I would make up a story and fast.)

7 If you are taking door photos, do not continue to back up without looking behind you. If you do, at best, you’ll fall into a flower bed. At worst, you now know the meaning of free fall, Dontell. I don’t think flapping your arms is going to help. You can try it, though.)

6 If you are taking door photos, do not forget to keep your thumb out of the field of vision. If you do, at best, one or two will turn out. At worst, your door photos will all have a significant close-up of your thumb. (No matter how you try to sell the shot as artistic, Duante, everyone knows what really happened.)

5 If you are taking door photos, do not become distracted by the obscure. If you do, at best, some of your fans might enjoy the “door to the alley” shot. At worst, that close-up of a ham sandwich looks to be anything but a ham sandwich. (Looks like those comments are not going in your favor, huh Dorion?)

4 If you are taking door photos, do not focus on only those doors you like. If you do, at best, your audience will fade. At worst, after the one-hundredth shot of the Burger King entrance, someone will mercifully take your camera away from you. (You’ll be able to get it back, Doughall, after a hundred hours of community service.)

3 If you are taking door photos, do not try to include exciting people. If you do, at best, they’ll only cover up the door. At worst, you’ll have someone in your shot who has a thing about obscene gestures. (Okay I would take that one over, Draven. This is a family post, after all.)

2 If you are taking door photos, do not think the weather will cooperate. If you do, at best, some will think that door photo with snowflakes is artistic. At worst, your light setting will be thrown off by the repeated lightning strikes. (You need to find cover, Driscol. You also need to get some rubber shoes for grounding. My goodness, the last bolt did some funny things to your hair.)

1 If you are taking door photos, do not think you need to have each one be perfect. If you do, at best, you will shoot so many that you run out of memory. At worst, you will photoshop the photo until it no longer looks like the door you shot. (What makes you think folks want to see a business building door look like the entrance to the Vatican, Duff?)

Top Ten Things to Never Throw Away When Organizing

~ John W. Howell ~ 103 Comments
Photo by Tim van der Kuip on Unsplash

I am back from my break and want to say I accomplished plenty. I was able to complete my manuscript and got a long way into the first edit. I also had a scare on Thursday. I fired up my Mac, and my Word app was missing, along with a whole week of edits. (No, I didn’t save it in several places like I usually do.) Panic was replaced by research by The Producer, and by reinstalling Word, all was recovered. (Whew)

It is good to be back. I missed you all, and I’ll be around to see you as usual.

This post ran on April 23, 2018. I think it still might be helpful.

Top Ten Things to Never Throw Away When Organizing

The inspiration for this list is wondering why we hang onto things in case they may come in useful someday. This list tries to understand the motivation for holding onto items that may be past their point of usefulness.

10 When organizing, do not throw away that eight-track cassette player. If you do, at best, you’ll hate yourself in the morning. At worst, you’ll see that very same model for sale on eBay, and the last bid is $10,000. (Well, that will teach you to be impetuous after twenty-five years of storage, huh, Eric?)

9 When organizing, do not throw away that autographed photo of Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, it will be well hidden in a black plastic bag. At worst, Tiny just started as your garbologist after being released from self-esteem therapy and discovers the photo at the bottom of your trash can. (I’ll bet you can guess why he is pounding on your front door, can’t you, Emmanuel? Here is a hint. Grab those running shoes and head out the back door. Your house and belongings can be replaced.)

8 When organizing, do not throw away that hand-knit Christmas turtleneck sweater Aunt Helen gave you when you were thirteen. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, you realize your mistake at the reading of Aunt Helen’s will where she leaves you her entire fortune if you wear the sweater once a week for a year. (Looks like she suspected you didn’t like it, Edward. Too bad you tossed it last week.)

7 When organizing, do not throw away those naked pictures of you at the beach. If you do, at best, you shredded them first. At worst, you suddenly discover them on Tumblr on a site called “Naked and Crazy.” (Better think of a good story, Elias, since HR wants to talk to you about a “morals clause” violation in your employment contract.)

6 When organizing, do not throw away old tax records. If you do, at best, your town’s dump is very secure. At worst, you realize when you are shopping at the food store, and your card is denied that you no longer are the only person with your social security number. (It looks like those stocks, bonds, and bank accounts are gone, too, Eugene. It looks like you need to call the police.)

5 When organizing, do not throw away all your children’s school drawings and report cards. If you do, at best, they won’t care. At worst, your children will want those items to relive their experiences with their kids. (Now, what are you going to do, Erik? I suppose you could try to recreate the drawings from memory. Better yet, ask the neighbor if you can borrow theirs.)

4 When organizing, do not throw away that old portable TV. If you do, at best, you’ll never miss it. At worst, you’ll need it to see the last half of the Final Four Championship game since your internet and cell service went down. (Now, aren’t you sorry you relied on twenty-first-century technology, Enzo? Just think, you could have seen the game finish on that twentieth-century set with the rabbit ears. Now you have to wait to read the news.)

3 When organizing, do not throw away that almost new tire that you had to take off your 1978 Chevrolet to replace the front two. If you do, at best, your current car will have bigger wheels. At worst, you will have a blowout on your new vehicle, which has no spare. (See, you could have at least used that tire as a temporary solution, Earl. Well, maybe not.)

2 When organizing, do not throw away that power tool that quit working twelve years ago. If you do, at best, your new device will keep working. At worst, your new gadget will need a small clip that broke, which is unavailable at the parts store but was intact on the one you threw away. (Come on, Emiliano, this would never happen in a million years.)

1 When organizing, do not throw away those worn-out shoes. If you do, at best you’ll enjoy the closet space. At worst, once they are gone, you realize you have nothing to wear to mow the lawn and work in the garden. (Well, now, Elvin, you have a triage problem on your remaining shoes. I know there are some favorites in there, but you gotta make a choice.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do According to Murphy’s Law

~ John W. Howell ~ 77 Comments

 

This post ran on April 30th, 2018. It still provides good advice on handling Murphy’s law.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do According to Murphy’s Law.

The inspiration for this list was thinking of all the things we do on a daily basis that someone else has done before. This naturally brought up the idea of mistakes and how often they are repeated throughout history. Then, the thought turned to specific laws governing natural phenomena. An example would be Newton’s law of gravity. “What goes up, Must come down” was inspired by an apple falling on Newton’s head. (or so the story goes.) Finally, turning to other laws prompted the inspection of specific laws, particularly Murphy’s. The law, “What can go wrong will.” After all, some of the laws of science are way too boring for this kind of blog. I hope you enjoy it.

10 According to Murphy’s Law, do not drop a much-needed and irreplaceable hex screw being installed in your current project. If you do, at best it will roll under the bench. At worst, it will drop into a drain opening, never to be seen again. (Might as well buy another widget for $300.00, Etienne. You’ll never be able to buy a replacement screw that would be ten cents if available.)

9 According to Murphy’s Law, do not buy that horse. If you do, at best, you love it forever. At worst, you’ll want to sell it, and there are no buyers. (The sad part, Emeril, is it will outlive you.)

8 According to Murphy’s Law, do not pick a fight with Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny has achieved a new state of Nirvana and will bless you. At worst, you have to come to grips with the fact you are no Bruce Lee. (Looks like those running shoes will get another great workout today, Ellison. You go, man.)

7 According to Murphy’s Law, do not handle that expensive crystal vase. If you do, at best, you catch it before it hits the floor. At worst, before you can even think of an excuse, you hear, “What was that breaking sound?” (You should have memorized Murphy’s constant, Eduard. “Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.”)

6 According to Murphy’s Law, do not park your car on the street. If you do, at best, you‘ll only have bird-dropping problems. At worst, that Russian Satellite reentering the Earth’s atmosphere conveniently has your car coordinates as a landing site. (You could never imagine this happening, Earvin. That piece of space junk was supposed to burn up. Murphy’s law of falling objects had this covered with “A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.”)

5 According to Murphy’s Law, do not try to paint a room without an adequate cover on the carpet. If you do, at best, you’ll catch every drip. At worst, you’ll only discover the dried paint drips after being pointed out by the person who told you to use an adequate cover. (Good luck, Emil, at the carpet store and that overnight arrangement in the spare room.)

4 According to Murphy’s Law, do not be careless with that expensive power tool while on a twelve-foot ladder. If you do, at best, when it falls, the cord will hook on something and prevent ground contact. At worst, you’ll be working over concrete, and the cord does not hook to prevent ground contact. (So Father’s Day will be here before you know it, Edmond. Of course, maybe the family is tired of replacing expensive power tools.)

3 According to Murphy’s Law, do not think you can make up time on the freeway because you are late. If you do, at best, there will be light traffic. At worst, that eighteen-wheeler turned over, blocking all lanes, is just ahead —after you enter the freeway. (Well, now, Eachan. You might as well turn off the car and relax. The traffic central says the police need to investigate before moving anything. That job interview can be rescheduled. Aw, too bad your phone is dead, and you forgot your charging cord.)

2 According to Murphy’s Law, do not try to explain the now quiet noise in your car’s engine to the mechanic. If you do, at best, you will cause more confusion. At worst, your mechanic will replace the most expensive element of your engine using your noise as justification. (You are not surprised that the noise returns after you get a block from the mechanic’s garage, are you, Eagan?)

1 According to Murphy’s Law, do not try to tear that paper towel with one hand. If you do, at best, you’ll end up with shreds. At worst, that spill you are trying to contain will have seeped onto the floor to form a permanent stain in the wood. (I guess you should have known, Eamonn, that according to Murphy’s law, paper is strongest at the perforation.)