This Post was published on May 17, 2018. I think it is still relevant.

Top Ten Things Not to Put Off When You Have a Lot to Do

Living long enough to experience what happens when things are put off inspires this list. Not all of these things have occurred, but enough to give me the title of Consultant on What Not to Put Off.

10 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off buying an anniversary present. If you do, at best, you’ll have to spend more to find a gift. At worst, what you want to give is no longer available, and your second choice falls way short. (That pair of rubber dish gloves just didn’t have the same panache did it, Emanuele?)

9 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying Tiny, the WWF champ, the ten bucks you borrowed. If you do, at best, you won’t run into Tiny. At worst, you’ll meet Tiny just after he leaves his financial planner with the news that he is broke. (Right now would be a good time to have that ten spot out where Tiny can see it, Emesto. There won’t be time once he grabs you by the throat.)

8 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off responding to that traffic ticket. If you do, at best, you can cover the late fee. At worst, a rookie police officer will see you drive by and will have memorized the license plates of all the outstanding warrants for this week. (Yes, those lights and sirens mean to pull over, Emo. You better hope someone can come and bail you out. Oh, and don’t worry about your new car. The wrecker folks got that name for a reason.)

7 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying that final notice on the water and electric bill. If you do, at best, you might get a grace period. At worse, you planned on filling the bathtub and buying some candles but were caught by surprise. (How do those shins feel after hitting that coffee table five times, Enceladus?)

6 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off filing your taxes. If you do, at best, you will remind the IRS agent of his father. At worst, you will remind the IRS agent of her ex-husband. (Why do the terms ‘delinquent, fine, and jail term’ keep coming up in the discussion, Eoin?)

5 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off renewing your auto or driver’s license. If you do at best, a wait at the DMV is the only penalty. At worst, just when some eyewitness of a bank robbery described a car like yours, a state police officer pulled in behind you. (Don’t think these guys aren’t going to have guns drawn, Eren. The bank robber will probably get a lighter sentence than driving with expired plates and license.)

4 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off sending your house insurance premium. If you do, at best, your banker will remind you. At worst, the rare piece of space junk entering the atmosphere and landing on your house will remind you of the forgotten check. (Don’t worry, Erin. Insurance companies have huge hearts and will likely forgive your oversight. Believe that, and I have an underwater lot I think you would like.)

3 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off making those airline reservations to attend the mandatory company seminar. If you do, at best, you’ll have a center seat on a packed plane. At worst, you’ll be on standby, and as luck would have it, there are no seats available. (Who would have thought that Dubuque, Iowa, was such a popular destination, Erskine? You can tell by the tension in the voice that the boss is not going to forgive and forget.)

2 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying that credit card bill. If you do, at best, you’ll rack up a big late fee. At worse, just when you are trying to impress someone by grabbing the dinner check, the waiter comes back and tells you in a loud voice that your card has been denied. (You can try all you want to explain a bank error, Eske. Your soon-to-be ex-client isn’t believing your story.)

1 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off double checking your parachute before your skydive this weekend. If you do, at best, it was done right. At worst, you will find yourself in a position of having to hope the spare will do the job. (After all, Estanislao, you have gained a few pounds. Oh, and that go-cam recording should be hilarious, so let’s hope you are there to enjoy it.)

I am back from my break and want to say I accomplished plenty. I was able to complete my manuscript and got a long way into the first edit. I also had a scare on Thursday. I fired up my Mac, and my Word app was missing, along with a whole week of edits. (No, I didn’t save it in several places like I usually do.) Panic was replaced by research by The Producer, and by reinstalling Word, all was recovered. (Whew)

It is good to be back. I missed you all, and I’ll be around to see you as usual.

This post ran on April 23, 2018. I think it still might be helpful.

Top Ten Things to Never Throw Away When Organizing

The inspiration for this list is wondering why we hang onto things in case they may come in useful someday. This list tries to understand the motivation for holding onto items that may be past their point of usefulness.

10 When organizing, do not throw away that eight-track cassette player. If you do, at best, you’ll hate yourself in the morning. At worst, you’ll see that very same model for sale on eBay, and the last bid is $10,000. (Well, that will teach you to be impetuous after twenty-five years of storage, huh, Eric?)

9 When organizing, do not throw away that autographed photo of Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, it will be well hidden in a black plastic bag. At worst, Tiny just started as your garbologist after being released from self-esteem therapy and discovers the photo at the bottom of your trash can. (I’ll bet you can guess why he is pounding on your front door, can’t you, Emmanuel? Here is a hint. Grab those running shoes and head out the back door. Your house and belongings can be replaced.)

8 When organizing, do not throw away that hand-knit Christmas turtleneck sweater Aunt Helen gave you when you were thirteen. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, you realize your mistake at the reading of Aunt Helen’s will where she leaves you her entire fortune if you wear the sweater once a week for a year. (Looks like she suspected you didn’t like it, Edward. Too bad you tossed it last week.)

7 When organizing, do not throw away those naked pictures of you at the beach. If you do, at best, you shredded them first. At worst, you suddenly discover them on Tumblr on a site called “Naked and Crazy.” (Better think of a good story, Elias, since HR wants to talk to you about a “morals clause” violation in your employment contract.)

6 When organizing, do not throw away old tax records. If you do, at best, your town’s dump is very secure. At worst, you realize when you are shopping at the food store, and your card is denied that you no longer are the only person with your social security number. (It looks like those stocks, bonds, and bank accounts are gone, too, Eugene. It looks like you need to call the police.)

5 When organizing, do not throw away all your children’s school drawings and report cards. If you do, at best, they won’t care. At worst, your children will want those items to relive their experiences with their kids. (Now, what are you going to do, Erik? I suppose you could try to recreate the drawings from memory. Better yet, ask the neighbor if you can borrow theirs.)

4 When organizing, do not throw away that old portable TV. If you do, at best, you’ll never miss it. At worst, you’ll need it to see the last half of the Final Four Championship game since your internet and cell service went down. (Now, aren’t you sorry you relied on twenty-first-century technology, Enzo? Just think, you could have seen the game finish on that twentieth-century set with the rabbit ears. Now you have to wait to read the news.)

3 When organizing, do not throw away that almost new tire that you had to take off your 1978 Chevrolet to replace the front two. If you do, at best, your current car will have bigger wheels. At worst, you will have a blowout on your new vehicle, which has no spare. (See, you could have at least used that tire as a temporary solution, Earl. Well, maybe not.)

2 When organizing, do not throw away that power tool that quit working twelve years ago. If you do, at best, your new device will keep working. At worst, your new gadget will need a small clip that broke, which is unavailable at the parts store but was intact on the one you threw away. (Come on, Emiliano, this would never happen in a million years.)

1 When organizing, do not throw away those worn-out shoes. If you do, at best you’ll enjoy the closet space. At worst, once they are gone, you realize you have nothing to wear to mow the lawn and work in the garden. (Well, now, Elvin, you have a triage problem on your remaining shoes. I know there are some favorites in there, but you gotta make a choice.)

This post ran on April 30th, 2018. It still provides good advice on handling Murphy’s law.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do According to Murphy’s Law.

The inspiration for this list was thinking of all the things we do on a daily basis that someone else has done before. This naturally brought up the idea of mistakes and how often they are repeated throughout history. Then, the thought turned to specific laws governing natural phenomena. An example would be Newton’s law of gravity. “What goes up, Must come down” was inspired by an apple falling on Newton’s head. (or so the story goes.) Finally, turning to other laws prompted the inspection of specific laws, particularly Murphy’s. The law, “What can go wrong will.” After all, some of the laws of science are way too boring for this kind of blog. I hope you enjoy it.

10 According to Murphy’s Law, do not drop a much-needed and irreplaceable hex screw being installed in your current project. If you do, at best it will roll under the bench. At worst, it will drop into a drain opening, never to be seen again. (Might as well buy another widget for $300.00, Etienne. You’ll never be able to buy a replacement screw that would be ten cents if available.)

9 According to Murphy’s Law, do not buy that horse. If you do, at best, you love it forever. At worst, you’ll want to sell it, and there are no buyers. (The sad part, Emeril, is it will outlive you.)

8 According to Murphy’s Law, do not pick a fight with Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny has achieved a new state of Nirvana and will bless you. At worst, you have to come to grips with the fact you are no Bruce Lee. (Looks like those running shoes will get another great workout today, Ellison. You go, man.)

7 According to Murphy’s Law, do not handle that expensive crystal vase. If you do, at best, you catch it before it hits the floor. At worst, before you can even think of an excuse, you hear, “What was that breaking sound?” (You should have memorized Murphy’s constant, Eduard. “Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.”)

6 According to Murphy’s Law, do not park your car on the street. If you do, at best, you‘ll only have bird-dropping problems. At worst, that Russian Satellite reentering the Earth’s atmosphere conveniently has your car coordinates as a landing site. (You could never imagine this happening, Earvin. That piece of space junk was supposed to burn up. Murphy’s law of falling objects had this covered with “A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.”)

5 According to Murphy’s Law, do not try to paint a room without an adequate cover on the carpet. If you do, at best, you’ll catch every drip. At worst, you’ll only discover the dried paint drips after being pointed out by the person who told you to use an adequate cover. (Good luck, Emil, at the carpet store and that overnight arrangement in the spare room.)

4 According to Murphy’s Law, do not be careless with that expensive power tool while on a twelve-foot ladder. If you do, at best, when it falls, the cord will hook on something and prevent ground contact. At worst, you’ll be working over concrete, and the cord does not hook to prevent ground contact. (So Father’s Day will be here before you know it, Edmond. Of course, maybe the family is tired of replacing expensive power tools.)

3 According to Murphy’s Law, do not think you can make up time on the freeway because you are late. If you do, at best, there will be light traffic. At worst, that eighteen-wheeler turned over, blocking all lanes, is just ahead —after you enter the freeway. (Well, now, Eachan. You might as well turn off the car and relax. The traffic central says the police need to investigate before moving anything. That job interview can be rescheduled. Aw, too bad your phone is dead, and you forgot your charging cord.)

2 According to Murphy’s Law, do not try to explain the now quiet noise in your car’s engine to the mechanic. If you do, at best, you will cause more confusion. At worst, your mechanic will replace the most expensive element of your engine using your noise as justification. (You are not surprised that the noise returns after you get a block from the mechanic’s garage, are you, Eagan?)

1 According to Murphy’s Law, do not try to tear that paper towel with one hand. If you do, at best, you’ll end up with shreds. At worst, that spill you are trying to contain will have seeped onto the floor to form a permanent stain in the wood. (I guess you should have known, Eamonn, that according to Murphy’s law, paper is strongest at the perforation.)

This post ran on March 12, 2018.  I think jury duty is still a thing so it may have some use.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Called for Jury Duty

The inspiration for this list was reading about Dan Antion’s experience being called for jury duty. I asked Dan if he wouldn’t mind sharing what it was like. He graciously sent the rules of jury duty for my review. I have to tell you, Dan is the kind of person who would never do any of these.

10 If you are called for jury duty, do not ignore the summons. If you do, at best, the sheriff will greet you before you go to work. At worst, your co-workers will be entertained by the process known as the “perp walk.” (Who takes official papers seriously, Dubhgan? It looks like the courts do.)

9 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to wear your “jurist badge.” If you do, at best, someone may confuse you with a lawyer. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ and northwest member of the sheriff’s department, will have you on the floor with your hands zip-tied behind you. (You do look good in that jumpsuit, Dughall. I know it would have been kind of Tiny to ask who you were, but he had a job to do.)

8 If you are c lled for jury duty, do not forget to check in with the clerk when you go on breaks or leave for the day. If you do, at best, you’ll be marked absent and will have to serve again. At worst, an overzealous us judge will think you are ignoring your duty and issue a summons for your arrest for contempt of court. (Now that past due parking ticket takes on a new meaning, right, Duran? BTW what is a SWAT team doing at the front door with that battering ram?)

7 If you are called for jury duty, do not park anywhere but in the designated juror parking lot. If you do, at best, you might get a ticket or be towed. At worst, you’ll return to your car and find it up on cement blocks. (Why are courthouses in the worst neighborhoods, Dusty? Oh, look, your engine is gone, too. )

6 If you are called for jury duty, do not think being excused early means you don’t have to return to work. If you do, at best, your boss will get a report of the hours. At worst, while you are celebrating the half day off in your favorite place, your boss and the boss’s boss all come in for lunch. (Kinda hard to explain why you are not at the courthouse, Devyn. Especially since it is after 1:00 and ten miles away from here.)

5 If you are called for jury duty, do not turn on the news in the juror’s lounge. If you do, at best, the burley bailiff will turn it off. At worst, you will be singled out as the person responsible for the motion by the defense for a new trial. (Of course, the trial has been going on for four weeks, and now all your fellow jurors have you to thank for the huge waste of time, Dixon.)

4 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to turn off your cell phone. If you do, at best, you’ll get no calls. At worst, just as the defense has concluded an emotional final argument, your phone goes off, blaring your cus om ringtone by the Who. (That long, grave silence the defense was counting on just evaporated in laughter, Daegan. I’m not sure how they will feel about that move. I do know the judge just pounded the gavel head into sawdust.)

3 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to bring your lunch. If you do, at best, there will be a vending machine. At worst, there will be a vending machine but no way to make change. (You can still use that fiver, Dallen, but I agree—five bucks seems like a lot for a Snickers bar.)

2 If you are called for jury duty, do not ignore the rules for walking around the courthouse. If you do, at best, you may wander into the wrong court. At worst, you may go through a door that closes and locks behind you. (This is great, Damak. You have entered the private chambers of the judge and are being asked your name and what you are doing there. I think the next step is forced removal by that burley bailiff.  Yup, here he comes.)

1 If you are called for jury duty, do not think you can leave without completing the attendance report. If you do, at best, you’ll have to serve again. At worse, you won’t have proof you spent the last three weeks as a juror to give to your employer. (You thought the bureaucracy was terrible during jury duty. How about the red tape at the unemployment office, Danhy?)

Well, here we are for a lifetime event. It is perfect that the eclipse coincides with my top ten list on Monday. You can bet I did not have a spare list hanging around, so yes, this is original.  I’ll run it again during the next one in 300 years.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Eclipse Day

1 On eclipse day, do not pull into the Chic-Fil-A drive-through. If you do, at best, your wait will be the normal hour. At worst, you will still be there three days from now. (who knew that everyone for ten states around wanted a chicken sandwich, Ferd.)

2 On eclipse day, do not serve inappropriate food at your party. If you do, at best, no one will attend the next one in 300 years. At worst, you will be known as the humorless old grump who doesn’t know how to throw a party. (A pretty tough evaluation for someone who didn’t serve Moon pies, sun chips, meteorite cheese balls, Orbit and Eclipse gum, Galaxy cupcakes, Starbursts, Milky Way, Capri Suns, and Moonshine martinis.)

3 On eclipse day, do not think those Ray Bans will protect your eyes. If you do, at best, you’ll catch on quickly. At worst, the week off from work to rest your eyes won’t be covered under the company’s benefits program. (You didn’t read the fine print under the heading ‘acts of stupidly’ did you Ralph?)

4 On eclipse day, do not think your grocery store will have a full food stock. If you do, at best, you only want to buy rutabagas.  At worst, you’ll find the shelves as empty as the day before a significant weather event. (You didn’t count on your town population going from 11,000 to 220,000 people since you are on the 100% coverage path. You will survive without milk, but your caffeine level is in the red, Buford.)

5 On eclipse day, do not decide to take the family for a leisurely ride in the car. If you do, at best, no one cares you have only gone two blocks in two hours. At worst, you will suddenly realize the traffic gridlock means you’ll spend the night in the car. (Little Jimmy’s cough and runny nose didn’t seem like a big deal before. Looks like twelve hours of exposure may put you under, Sid.)

6 On eclipse day, do not think you won’t need sunscreen. If you do, at best, the day will be cloudy. At worse, your assumption of the sun being blocked has given you a quick trip to the ER for those third-degree burns. (You should have known the eclipse only lasts four minutes, Bunky. The rest of the twelve hours you spent out there would have required an SPF of 50.)

7 On eclipse day, do not think you are immune to the effects of too many tequila sunrises. If you do, at best, you will quietly pass out. At worst, the next morning, you look at the outgoing calls on your phone to discover at least ten to your boss after midnight. (Too bad you can’t remember the reasons for the calls, Tex. Maybe it will come to you at your one-on-one Zoom meeting with the boss in five minutes.)

8 On eclipse day, do not try to park for free in that vacant lot. If you do, at best, the owner of the lot is on vacation. At worse, Tiny the WWF champion, the lot owner, has been dying to try out his new piece of recycling equipment. (The two-foot square metal block that used to be your car is available at Tiny’s recycling center. He’ll give you a deal, Haywood.)

9 On eclipse day, do not finish that 32-ounce big gulp before the big event. If you do, at best, the city has provided port-a-potties. At worse, the event you are attending is in the middle of a giant field with no facilities, and there is not a tree, shrub, or bush for miles. (You are now faced with a dilemma, Jake. You either make a run for it or hope there is a puddle you can drop into.)

10 On eclipse day, do not skip the event. If you do, at best, you’ll miss a lifetime opportunity. At worst, you have yourself convinced that it was no big deal. (Don’t worry, Derrell, maybe with cryogenics, you might be available three hundred years from now for the next one.)

This post was published on February 5, 2018. I think it is still current since there are many geniuses walking around.

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I was inspired to write this post after pondering a discussion with a brilliant person. I wondered what it would be like to be that smart. One thing led to another, and the list was born.

Top Ten Things Not to Ask a Genius

10 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them how it feels to be so smart. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh. At worst, you’ll be forcibly engaged in a Socratic analysis of what “smart” means. (Getting tired after a couple of hours, are you, Dante?)

9 If you are talking to a genius, do not mention the weather. If you do, at best, they’ll excuse themselves. At worst, you’ll be entertained by a recap of the correlation between black hole proximity and global warming. (You didn’t know that was the subject of the person’s doctoral dissertation, did you, Deon?)

8 If you are talking to a genius, do not make any sudden moves. If you do, at best, you’ll get a flinch. At worst, your genius will have Tiny, the WWF champ, as a best friend. (Tiny moves fast when he thinks there is a danger, Demetri. I think I would begin testing those Rockport shoes and see if they are a flexible as advertised.)

7 If you are talking to a genius, do not comment on their clothes. If you do, at best, they won’t understand what you are saying. At worst, they will provide you with the existential theory behind their choice of what to wear today. (Not only did it take two hours, but you still don’t understand how the stripes and checks relate to the world politic, do you, Dixon?)

6 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them what they want to eat. If you do, at best, you will get an “anything” response. At worst, you will be taken down a probiotic path from which there is no return. (You’ll never look at a steak the same way again, Dacy.)

5 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them about their favorite sport. If you do, at best, they’ll defer to asking you. At worst, after an hour,, you finally realize they are talking about a game that was played in ancient Macedonia. (The sad part is their team lost, and you now have a complete commentary on how the other team cheated with a deflated goat bladder and poisoned arrows.  Some fun, huh, Daelan?)

4 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask what they watch on television. If you do, at best, you’ll have to define the term “television.” At worst, you will be treated to watching the Nature Blog live feed of baby ants who were cloned from a prehistoric frozen egg hatching as viewed on an iPad. (Really glad you asked that one, aren’t you, Dagan? Wait! Is that an anteater?)

3 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask if they have a hobby. If you do, at best, they’ll be too shy to share. At worst, before you know it, you are hooked up to a worldwide XBox War of the World gaming competition. (So how many lives do you have left, Daileass? I think you better swing that broadsword at everything you see. Given the intensity of this game, I have a feeling that once your lives are finished, you are, too.)

2 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask if they belong to a club. If you do, at best, you’ll get a stare before they walk away. At worst, you will have to defend the idea of having a high affiliation need as it relates to your own insecurities. (Makes you want to go to a cabin in the mountains doesn’t it, Daire? Then you can prove you are not intellectually weak and, as a result, don’t need anyone.)

1 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask what they do for a living. If you do, at best, you’ll get a one-word answer, “work.” At worst, you will have a detailed description of the job but will not understand what it is in a hundred years. (Did you get the opinion that they were speaking in a different language, Dalbert? What the hell is a Spectrographic Survey Specialist anyway?