Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Snow in the South

~ John W. Howell ~ 92 Comments

This idea was initially posted in December 2017. At the time, it was because it snowed in South Texas for the first time in many years. With the latest Arctic cold front moving lower in the US, there are forecasts of snow in the South once again. So here is a revised list of what not to do in the snow in the South.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Snow in the South

10 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you can drive to the store. If you do, at best, you may find yourself in a ditch. At worst, your erratic driving may cause a pile-up on the beach road, which won’t clear till spring. (Twenty miles an hour was a bit too fast for conditions, huh, Cyrek?)

9. If you live in the South and it snows, do not throw snowballs at strangers. If you do, at best, you’ll hit one, and they will laugh. At worst, you will hit Tiny, the WWF champ, right after he left his respect support group meeting. (It looks like Tiny took the snowball in the face as a sign of disrespect. I think you should begin running now, Cyril.)

8 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you can wear flip-flops as usual. If you do, at best, your feet will turn blue. At worst, you will find your condition being discussed by a group of interns at the local ER. (Do the words frostbite and amputation bother you, Cyrano?)

7 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think the rest of the world wants to hear about it. If you do, at best, you’ll get a lot of disconnects. At worst, you’ll describe the beauty and unusual snow to your cousin in Fargo, North Dakota, who hasn’t been out of the house for six weeks due to the snow. (Wonder why he’s calling you all those names? It’s cabin fever, Cyan.)

6 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you have to rush to the store to clean the shelves of bread, milk, water, and bathroom tissue. If you do, at best, you’ll get the moniker of the village idiot. At worst, you will be just checking out when you notice the snow has all melted, making your hour trip to the store and your massive horde unnecessary. (Did you check the weather report, Crespin? Why are those people pointing and laughing?)

5 If you live in the South and it snows, do not demand your 7:00 am tee time. If you do, at best, the pro will not let you play. At worst, you’ll set the course record for the most lost balls and the highest score. (White on white is a difficult thing to see. Right, Courtney. When you do see them, frozen shots don’t go that far, do they?)

4 If you are in the South and it snows, do not continue with your plans for a beach party. If you do, at best, everyone will stay home. At worst, those that do come will end up not at the beach but in your house. (Ever try to roast hot dogs and do smores in the fireplace, Corwin?)

3 If you are in the South and it snows, do not think you can drive without cleaning your windshield and rear window glass. If you do, at best, the snow might blow off. At worst, you won’t be able to see well and might hit someone. (The policeman you ran into is lecturing you loudly about how dangerous it is to drive without being able to see while he is writing the ticket. He is about finished, Conell.)

2 If you are in the South and it snows, do not think you have to plan a dinner like you live in the Antarctic. If you do, at best, the snow will leave before you start cooking. At worst, you’ll serve the Hoosh, Pemmican, Sledging biscuits, Marmite, and hot coffee meal as the temperature reaches seventy degrees. (I never saw folks sweat so much while they ate, did you, Cnute?)

1. If you are in the South and it snows, Do not think you can wait to make a snowman. If you do, at best, there will be a little snow left to work. At worst, you and the kids will be all bundled up, only to find nothing but water. (It’s Hard to make a water person, isn’t it, Clifton?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

 

Photo by Alysa Bajenaru on Unsplash

This post was written on December 29th, 2015. Since we are facing another New Year’s Eve, I thought it was worth repeating. I hope you enjoy it.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

10 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to set a personal record for alcohol consumption. If you do, at best, your evening will close early. At worst, New Year’s Day will represent your personal purgatory, just begging for relief. (Getting off your knees might be the first step to redemption)

9 On New Year’s Eve, do not set resolutions you think would be great to accomplish if you were a superhero. If you do, at best, you will not last a week on your new plan. At worst, you will consider your failure at resolutions to be among one of the many failures for the year. (Now you need to be talked down off the ledge)

8 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your goodwill to humankind feeling leftover from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone you meet. If you do, at best, most will try to dodge your advances. At worst, there will be one person who will think you are the new lost love that they have been searching for their whole life. (Now you have someone stalking you for months despite the restraining order)

7 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best, your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it. (Yes, it is two in the morning, and that’s you calling trains into the ceramic microphone)

6 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of Champaign. If you do, at best, you will still draw the same looks you got for the rest of the year. At worst, you will begin to gather stray cats and dogs who think you are calling them for dinner while singing Auld Lang Sine. (Better find some kibble fast)

5 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your famous green monster punch will be enjoyed by everyone. If you insist everyone try it, at best, your party may end early. At worst, you may be responsible for sending some guests over the edge due to a strong allergy to Everclear and, if not an allergy, certainly a diminished capability for strong drink. (hint: green carpet spots never come up)

4 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to surprise your significant other with a mystery destination that you promise will make the best New Year’s Eve ever. If you do, at best, you may have selected a place that has some negative memories. At worst, you may spend the entire evening lost in a strange neighborhood which will not be the best destination. (It might be the most memorable as the prime reason your significant other is no longer significant and not your other)

3 On New Year’s Eve, do not get all romantic if all year you act as if romance was as welcome as the measles. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, you could cause a significant upset to the person you are ordinarily ambivalent about. (How was that first dose of pepper spray?)

2 On New Year’s Eve, do not think it a good idea to put that lampshade on your head. If you do, at best, some will laugh not with you but at you. At worst, the shade is an antique given to the host by a grandmother just before her demise, and now it is on the floor under your fanny after you slipped on a bottle and fell to the floor. (Oh, though you would like to know, the video on U Tube has gone viral)

1 On New Year’s Eve, do not think you must stay up past a reasonable hour to see in the New Year. If you do, at best, the next day’s activities will be a challenge. At worst, you will throw off your sleep cycle, not to mention nodding off at your mother-in-law’s New Year’s Day family gathering. (The pool of drool on the damask fabric of the antique couch will be your mark forever)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sunday Football Game at Philadelphia in 1933

~ John W. Howell ~ 81 Comments
1933 Eagles

This post was first run on November 11, 2018. From a historical perspective, I thought you would enjoy it since we are all now surrounded by Sunday American Football

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sunday Football Game at Philadelphia in 1933

10 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not sit next to your parish priest unless you have been to church. If you do, at best, you can take confession right there. At worst, you will be invited to a special service titled Miscreants of the Week. ( Of all the seats in the stadium, you had to pick this one, Farzad.)

9 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not forget to tip Tiny, the WWF Champ and now stadium vendor, for your hot dog. If you do, at best, that mustard stain on your back will come out. At worst, Tiny, who believes tips are a showing of love, will think you hate him. (The time to vacate your seat is now, Fedele. That large tray of hot dogs will not rest well when Tiny lets it go in your direction.)

8 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not try to eat a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich and cheer for your team at the same time. If you do, At best, the guy in front of you is wearing a raincoat. At worst, your expelled cheesesteak bite goes down the collar of the police chief in the row in front of you. (I don’t think you can explain this as an accident, Felicien. Good luck on your first night in jail)

7 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not cause yourself to be over-celebrating on your carry-in hooch just because the blue laws in Pennsylvania allowed Sunday sports. If you do, at best, you’ll find someone to take you home. At worst, you will need an ironclad excuse for spending the night in the bleachers. (Gotta wonder why none of the cleaning crew found you, huh, Fenris.)

6 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not sit in the Chicago section wearing your Eagles jersey. If you do, at best, the fans around you think you have a mental condition. At worst, as the game progresses, someone may get the idea to remove you by crowd-surfing you over the lip of the Baker Bowl stadium. (It is a long fall from the top to the parking lot, Ferke. Flapping your arms may help a little.)

5 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not think you don’t have to pay off your bet because the score was tied at 3 and 3. If you do, at best, the bookie considers your bet too small to collect. At worst, your bookie is the kind who believes any no-pay is a matter of honor. ( Those cement overshoes are styling, Fidal. They might prove to hamper treading water, though.)

4 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not blow your large and loud horn to cheer on your team. If you do, at best, you’ll be sitting alone. At worst, your fellow participants will tire of losing their hats, hair, and hearing and will stuff your horn where the sun don’t shine. (I know I’m surprised as well, Finnbar. I think that high-decibel honk is terrific. It might be better on a MAC truck, though.)

3 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not ask your neighbor to share their popcorn. If you do, at best, the corn will be gone. At worst, your neighbor has just been diagnosed with the flu and is happy to share. (Don’t worry, Fionn. In the 30s, the flu only took maybe half of those diagnosed. Oh, look, a guy in a black hoodie carrying a scythe. I don’t see any hay that needs cutting, do you?)

2 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not run out and attempt to ring the Liberty Bell to count the first field goal points. If you do, at best, the Liberty Bell Center in Independence National Historic Park will be closed on Sunday. At worst, your attempt at goodwill has been seen as a terrorist act. (You’ve earned yourself a nice cozy room in Guantanamo, Firmann. I have no idea why it is so dark there.)

1 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not dispute how the Eagles got their name. If you do, at best, there was no money on the fact that they got their name from the Blue Eagle, which was a symbol of economic recovery during the Franklin Roosevelt administration. At worst, you need to walk home since you put your car up to back your bet that the Eagles were named after the great American Bald Eagle. (You could have been right, too, Flanagan. You might try putting your thumb out. Maybe some hapless fool will give you a lift.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do Landing at Plymouth Rock in 1620

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments
Mayflower

This post ran on December 10, 2018. Since the anniversary of the Pilgrims’ arrival is approaching, I thought preparing would be a good idea.

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The pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock on December 11, 1620. If you were there, here is a list to help you stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Landing at Plymouth Rock in 1620

10 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not suggest a beach party once reaching land. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, there will be a realization on the part of the elders that you are possessed. ( You might as well confess, Gabriele. They won’t stop the water board treatment until you do. Of course, confession may lead to an old-fashioned stake burning. Tough decision.)

9 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not try to beat Tiny, the WWF champ, to a long boat. If you do, at best, you’ll trip and miss your chance. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the boat sitting next to Tiny, and he doesn’t look happy. (You’ll soon learn, Gadiel, that Tiny promised his mom that he would be the first to get into the boat and onto land. Now that he has missed his number one promise, it looks like you are about to be tossed overboard. If so, give that anchor he gave you to hold back to Tiny before you go.)

8 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not start telling everyone about planting a fish with the corn. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of town. At worst, since it is December and the ground is frozen solid, you might be taken for crazy. (Of course, you meant in the spring, Gair. The guys with that ball and chain could care less.)

7 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not mention anything about a turkey dinner for Thanksgiving. If you do, at best, you’ll have to go hunting. At worst, the elders will quiz you closely about why you are thankful. It is cold, wet, and miserable. ( Now that they mention it, Galchobhar, you may have tipped your hand about time travel. This can only lead to the thought that you are a devil. That thought never gets anyone anything.)

6 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not start talking about forming a football team named the Pilgrim Patriots. If you do, at best, no one ever heard of football. At worst, you will immediately be accused of rule violations and forever curse the team to public scorn. (So there is where all this New England Patriot controversy comes from, Galterieo. Might as well label it Pilgrimgate.)

5 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not wear your “I love Pope Paul V” sweatshirt. If you do, at best, no one will notice it under your black tunic. At worst, William Brewster will catch a glimpse and reach an apocalyptic state of the highest order. (Good thing you were able to talk your way out of that one, Galvyn. I’m not sure anything Catholic would be welcome here.)

4 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not make jokes about the native tribe called Wampanoags. If you do, at best, the Native Americans will not hear you. At worst, Massasoit, their leader, will take offense. ( Now we have another fine kettle of fish, Ganesh. The pilgrims need Indian assistance, and the leader is mad at you. Guess who will be eliminated in this standoff?)

3 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not try to convince people to dig up clams for food. If you do, at best, most will simply say, “No, thank you.” At worst, you will be declared a food crank and banished. (You have to remember, Garbhach, that the idea of digging up something in the water and then eating it is not what most people think is normal.)

2 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not insist on building a split-level ranch home with a bay view. If you do, at best, you’ll have to do it alone. At worst, the leadership will put you at the bottom of the priority list. (Nice move, Gared. You’ll be in this lean-to for another year at best.)

1 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not discuss your recipe for the perfect margarita with anyone. If you do, at best, someone will report you. At worst, you’ll be asked to prepare a batch, and there is no tequila or limes anywhere. (How do these stocks feel, Garred? You only have thirty days to go.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the George Washington Proclamation of Thanksgiving in 1789.

~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments
Photo by Jed Owen on Unsplash

This post ran on November 25, 2019. I thought it would be fun to reread it since this is Thanksgiving week here in the US.

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George Washington proclaimed November 25 as a day of Thanksgiving in honor of the new constitution. This day has been used to set Thanksgiving as the last Thursday in November. Although the first Thanksgiving might have been held with the pilgrims and native Americans much earlier, George established the date. As a side note of interest, it wasn’t until 1863 that a national day of Thanksgiving was held. I’m sure you would like to go to George’s house and help him and Martha celebrate the day. Here is a list of things not to do to keep history intact.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the George Washington Proclamation of Thanksgiving in 1789.

10 If you go to George’s place, do not bring a box of stovetop stuffing as your contribution to the dinner. If you do, at best, no one will know what it is. At worst, someone may feed it to the horses. (Now you have a problem, Josephe. George wants to know who brought the stuff that gave his horses the colic)

9 If you go to George’s place, do not hand Tiny the WWF champ a dollar for holding the door for you. If you do, at best, Tiny will need the money. At worst, Tiny just left his self-esteem discussion group and believes he is a close friend of George Washington. (So now you have made Tiny feel like the help, Josue. Don’t worry that step over toe hold never works to take off the toe. Of course, there is always the first time.)

8 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest a game of Monopoly after dinner. If you do, at best, you’ll get some stares. At worst, George will think it a fun idea. (Now ymust to construct the whole game out of paper and a quill pen, Jourdan. Good luck making the tokens.)

7 If you go to George’s place, do not bring up politics as a dinner discussion item. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, you’ll pick a fight with Aaron Burr. (The instructions are correct, Jovan. You walk 25 paces, turn and fire. Yes, I think Aaron has done this before.)

6 If you go to George’s place, do not tell George the turkey is tough when he asks. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, he’ll hand you a musket. (He politely suggests you go out and shoot your turkey, Jozsef. Maybe next time, you’ll just say it is excellent.)

5 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest to Martha that the sweet potatoes would be better with marshmallow bits. If you do, at best, Martha will be too busy to hear you. At worst, Martha will think your suggestion is a good one and hand you a ten-pound bag of sweet potatoes. (Well, now you are in a pickle, Judd. You must figure out how to make sweet potatoes and marshmallow bits.)

4 If you go to George’s house, do not ask for jelly-cranberry sauce. If you do, at best, you have created a discussion topic. At worst, the chef had just reached the end of his rope. It seems there have been several menu changes, Julito. Yours is the straw that broke the camel’s back. That knife looks pretty big from here. I think a good before-dinner run is in order.)

3 If you go to George’s house, do not decide to give a toast to the new constitution. If you do, at best, there will be too many in line before you. At worst, George will ask you about one of the articles. (So as a product of public education, Jullien, have you ever read the constitution, let alone know what is in the section? I thought not. Just say you need the outhouse and be gone.)

2 If you go to George’s house, do not stare at George’s teeth. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are looking at something else. At worst, he will catch on. (So now that you have made your host uncomfortable, Junien. I think you better cut your losses by saying something like, “Are those mahogany?” Or I guess you could say you were looking at his nose. Either way, I hope you have a horse standing by.)

1 If you go to George’s house, do not ask if you can try on a powdered wig. If you do, at best, you’ll be told no. At worst, someone will plop a wig on your head. (Lucky you, Jurgen. You are now wearing the lice and bedbug infected wig that remained after the last redcoat left Washington. Maybe setting your hair on fire will save you. In any case, you have got to find some alcohol fast.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

~ John W. Howell ~ 94 Comments

This post ran on October 2, 2017. I’m still heeding its advice. I hope you find it useful too.

Ten things not to do

Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

10 If your electrical service is out, do not try to diagnose and fix the problem. If you do, at best, you’ll melt a screwdriver. At worst, the jolt you receive will clear your mind and sinus. (The manual said the white wire was dead, huh, Bandos?)

9 If your pipes leak, do not try the DIY plumber ploy. If you do at best, you can get the leak to stop a little. At worst, you will finally give up when the water level is above your knees. (Did that last tighten move break everything loose, Berto?)

8 If you need to fix the drywall, do not do it alone. If you do, at best, you’ll finally give up. At worst, you’ll pull something that really hurts. (I hope you enjoy the body cast, Brandt. It is only for twelve weeks.)

7 If your roof needs repair, do not go up there. If you do, at best, the gutters will break your fall. At worst, you can be heard screaming for blocks as you slide down the roof only to land on Tiny, the WWF champ, who just started his new job at UPS. (Notice how fast Tiny recovers from a sneak attack? Too bad every bone in your body won’t let you run away, Burley.)

6 If your window needs replacement, do not try it alone. If you do, at best, it will fall out while your back is turned. At worse, the first wind will cause the window to fall from the second story just as the minister rings your doorbell. (Belonging to that church was optional, right, Burt?)

5 If your siding needs to be replaced, do not do it with friends. If you do, at best, no one will get hurt. At worst, the job will go well until your neighbor steps off the ladder, thinking he is at ground level. (A little too much beer and the second story does seem like ground level, Boswell.)

4 If there is concrete work to do, do not do it. If you insist, at best, the work will look like a kindergarten class project. At worst, the idea of handprints and initials will take on a sinister aspect when you can’t get free. (On TV, that Hollywood Walk of Fame thing looks easy. Right. Brinsley?)

3 If you have a tree that needs removal, do not think you are Paul Bunyan. If you do, at best, the only limbs affected are on the tree. At worst, your scream of “timber” is totally ignored by your house, which never moved. ( Nice to have that two-story view of the sky, huh, Buzzy?)

2 If you have necessary tile work, do not think it is as easy as it looks. If you do, at best, that herringbone pattern appears like a fun house mirror. At worst, your first shower in the newly tiled space will resemble a melting marshmallow flow. (There was something about waiting for 72 hours for the grout to dry, wasn’t there, Bodie?)

1 If your house needs to be power washed, do not think you can do it. If you do, at best, you’ll quit in time. At worst, you won’t notice that the strong spray is taking off the paint along with the dirt. (If you pay attention, Burl, you can also see the lighting fixtures blown into the neighbor’s yard.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your Significant Other’s Birthday

~ John W. Howell ~ 79 Comments
Photo by Lidya Nada on Unsplash

 

This post ran on April 1, 2019. Since there are still birthdays to consider, I hope it is useful now.

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If your significant other is having a birthday, there are things that you should not do. Yesterday was my significant other’s birthday, except for one thing: I managed to avoid the other stuff on the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your Significant Other’s Birthday by John W. Howell © 2019

10 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not take a lot of time writing a Ten Things Not to Do list. If you do, at best, there is still time for other activities. At worst, you will run out of time to celebrate the birthday. (Now you are in deep yogurt, Ghoukas. What happened to the cake, presents, and good wishes? You better pray for understanding.)

9 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not go to the gym with Tiny, the WWF wrestling champ. If you do, at best, you’ll only have sore muscles from sparring with him. At worst, Tiny will show you his latest helicopter spin and drop maneuver. (Hard to celebrate from the ER, huh, Giancarlo? Don’t worry; someone will call and let your significant other know you won’t attend the party.)

8 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not think a packet of beef jerky from the convenience store is the perfect gift. If you do, at best, your significant other will take it as a joke. At worst, you’ll be dining alone tonight. (That beef jerky helps cover the taste of the crow,  Gili. Better luck next year.)

7 If your significant other is having a birthday, don’t forget to cancel your participation in the weekly bowling event. If you do forget, at best, you’ll stay home. At worst, you’ll go to the event and suffer dire consequences. (Did no one ever tell you about life choices, Gilvaethwy? You now must live with the results of your neglect. Please remember it was Fido’s house before you moved in.)

6 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not think going to your favorite place is the best experience for a birthday. If you do, at best, none of the usual crowd are there. At worst, your bowling team members and the local motorcycle club are having a beer-chugging contest. (You could have made a reservation at a beautiful place, Giovany. But no, your significant other is being cheered on as she downs a quart bong. Tomorrow is not going to be a good day for you.)

5 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not expect a home-cooked meal instead of dinner out. If you do, at best, you’ll get cold cuts. At worst, your significant other will cook something and leave it with a note telling you a restaurant visit was expected. (It looks like your significant other and a bunch of friends are having more fun than you, Girvin.)

4 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not offer to bake a cake unless you know what you are doing. If you do, at best, you can still have time to call the bakery. At worst, the suggestion will be made to use your masterpiece as a doorstop. (Never knew frosting would get that hard, did you, Glaucus? Maybe NASA would like to know about your formula.)

3 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not buy a card with a message that is obviously not a natural expression of your feelings. If you do, at best, your significant other will get a chuckle. At worst, the inscription, “Roses are red, Violets are blue, I want to run away, How about you?” will be taken the wrong way. (You were talking about a trip together, Gobrwy. What the heck are you doing in court?)

2 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not give a gift you know is unsuitable. If you do, at best, you might be able to keep it. At worst, you might be wearing it. (They say to give a gift you would like to receive, Godric. I’m not sure your significant other had a cordless weed trimmer in mind as the perfect gift.)

1 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not invite guests who your significant other does not know to the celebration. If you do, at best, some new friendships will be made. At worst, you will get no kudos for the uncomfortable feeling your significant other will have in a room filled with strangers. (It seemed like a good idea at the time, Gofraidh. You better get over there. It looks like your significant other and your boss are having some kind of argument.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are in a Dentist’s Chair

~ John W. Howell ~ 114 Comments
Photo by note thanun on Unsplash

 

This post ran on July 9, 2018. Since we all still go to dentists, it may be useful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are in a Dentist’s Chair

The inspiration for this list was a routine visit to the dentist. Like all dentist offices, I could hear what was happening in several offices around me. I listened to some funny things and made up some of my own. I hope you enjoy this list

10 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not try to answer the dentist’s questions while their hand is in your mouth. If you do, at best, your answer will be garbled and not understood. At worst, the dentist may come up missing a tool. (Yes, it is strange the dentist asks a question while you are incapable of speech, Elijah. Try to resist since that lost tool may be with you for a long time.)

9 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not listen to Tiny the WWF champ whimper in the next room. If you do, at best, it may unnerve you. At worst, Tiny may catch sight of you as he leaves and will want to make sure you won’t gossip about his lack of fortitude. (That shadow passing over you as you go from the dentist’s office, Evan, is Tiny coming up from behind. Don’t think. Just drop and roll.)

8 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask about the cost of a procedure while it is underway. If you do, at best, you won’t like the answer. At worst, the dentist may decide to give you a discount, provided you can endure the procedure with no painkillers. ( You have to wonder, Ezekiel, why he keeps asking, “Is it safe?” from the movie Marathon Man. Yes, that is you making all that noise.)

7 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not try to read your chart when the Dentist leaves. If you do, at best, you won’t understand a thing. At worst, the hygienist will walk in just as you are leaning over backward with the chart in your hands. (How do you explain yourself, Edgar? You could have just asked to see your chart.)

6 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think about the Italian sub you had for lunch. If you do, at best, you won’t open your mouth. At worst, you will try to explain your faux pas, all while the hygienist continues to spray mouthwash each time you open your mouth. (You wish the “ew” sound were a result of a different source, huh, Elliott?)

5 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not fool around with the controls. If you do, at best, you won’t get wet. At worst, you will cause possible complications from replacing the polishing tool function with a drilling tool function. (That hole in your front tooth is charming, Emmett. Maybe you can get a diamond to fit in there.)

4 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think the dentist will be right in to see you. If you do, at best, your waiting time will seem even longer. At worst, you fell asleep and drooled all over that lovely napkin under your chin. (How do you explain the wet spot to the hygienist, Edwin? Try your Quasimodo impersonation. “Here. Take whistle. That is the only thing I hear. Blow if in trouble.” They will love it.)

3 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not remind yourself about that 32-ounce Big Gulp soda you finished on the way over here. If you do, at best, you will forgive yourself for not making a restroom stop. At worst, the dental staff will think you are a crack addict, given the amount of twitching and jumping you go through as you try to manage the specter of an accident. (Why is that little voice in your head still talking about Niagara Falls, Easton? Pretty self-defeating, I would say.)

2 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not acknowledge the rumbling inside of you. If you do, at best, your explanation of the sour kraut and corned beef sandwich will fall on unsympathetic ears. At worst, you may give your body permission to vent off the building pressure. (Nothing pleases people more in a closed room, Edmund.)

1 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask to hold a teddy bear before the procedure. If you do, at best, the staff will think you are joking. At worst, you will get the bear and a chart notation to watch for an emotional break in the future. (Ever wonder why everyone talks in a whisper when you visit the office, Ezequiel?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

labor day.

This post ran first on Labor Day 2015 and every Labor Day after that. I thought it was pretty good advice, so here it is again.

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In honor of Labor Day, I’ve decided to boil the top ten list down to the most essential items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. Of course, the remembrance includes us authors.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day, have fun, but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best, you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person, not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day, all.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Renaissance Faire

~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

 

This post ran on July 30, 2018. I’m not sure how many of you have attended a Renaissance Faire, but if you do go, here is some advice.

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The inspiration for this list was a question by the producer. “Have you done a Top Ten on a Renaissance Faire?” The answer was “No.” So here it is. (I know pretty simple inspiration, isn’t it?)

10 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not raise your hand when the wizard asks for volunteers. If you do, at best, you might get embarrassed. At worst, the trick will go horribly wrong, and you’ll be sporting some Hellboy horns. (I think that stray goat gave a The Fly-like result, Emest. Don’t worry. Maybe the wizard can reverse the spell. Yeah, maybe.)

9 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not boo Tiny, the WWF champ, when he walks onto the jousting field. If you do, at best, he will have lost you in the crowd. At worst, Tiny, who has been attending court-ordered anger management classes, will accidentally let go of his mace as he nears the spectator stand. (You can place money on where that mace will land, Emmanuele. No, that umbrella won’t help at all.)

8 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept the invitation to put your head and wrists into the stocks. If you do, at best, you’ll get a humorous photo. At worst, the guy running the stock exhibit forgot the keys, and now you have an afternoon of ridicule. ( It will be fun, he said. How much fun is it, Enar? Oh, that tomato wasn’t quite ripe, was it?)

7 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think Three Card Monty is an easy way to pick up spending money. If you do, at best, you may only lose a few dollars. At worst, you and the dealer must come to an equitable arrangement to cover that last bet. (I don’t think he will take a check, Engel.)

6 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept an invitation to attend the after-hours cast party. If you do, at best, you’ll need to leave early to take the babysitter home. At worst, you’ll be singing “Moma Told Me Not to Come” while trying to find the door out. (Whoever coined the term “hangover,” Enyeto. How you feel is more like “life over.”)

5 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not join the music makers on stage if you are overserved. If you do, at best, no one you know will see your performance. At worst, the videos the audience took when you fell off the stage all went viral. (Hard to explain to your boss what you were thinking huh, Ephrem. He believes the head of HR should set a better example.)

4 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not throw your consumed turkey leg over your shoulder as a supposed imitation of Henry VIII. If you do, at best, by chance it will hit a trash receptacle. At worst, you will catch someone’s grandma in the face with your trash. (That someone just happens to be the big guy wearing the barbarian outfit now holding you off your feet, Erikson. He’s not buying the accident story, and his club looks pretty substantial.)

3 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not wear period armor. If you do, at best, the day will be overcast. At worst, the temperature just hit a new record high. (Now you know what it is like to be in a sweatbox, Erroll. That authentic clasp on the back is just out of reach, and everyone you ask to unhook thinks you’re a perve.)

2 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not get carried away with the thought of quitting work and joining the cast. If you do, at best, your audition will fail. At worst, you will be picked to play the blacksmith. (That hot furnace and pounding metal all day wasn’t what you had in mind; was it Eryk? Too bad you signed a seasonal agreement, and you only have six more months to serve. You found out too late that no one likes to play the blacksmith.)

1 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think you have to talk to everyone in Renaissance English. If you do, at best, no one will understand you. At worst, a large cast member will think you are making fun of his speech. (It might be a good idea to find a flagon of mead right now, Eskander. Better yet, two flagons. One to share with the guy holding your neck.)