This post ran on November 25, 2019. I thought it would be fun to reread it since this is Thanksgiving week here in the US.

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George Washington proclaimed November 25 as a day of Thanksgiving in honor of the new constitution. This day has been used to set Thanksgiving as the last Thursday in November. Although the first Thanksgiving might have been held with the pilgrims and native Americans much earlier, George established the date. As a side note of interest, it wasn’t until 1863 that a national day of Thanksgiving was held. I’m sure you would like to go to George’s house and help him and Martha celebrate the day. Here is a list of things not to do to keep history intact.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the George Washington Proclamation of Thanksgiving in 1789.

10 If you go to George’s place, do not bring a box of stovetop stuffing as your contribution to the dinner. If you do, at best, no one will know what it is. At worst, someone may feed it to the horses. (Now you have a problem, Josephe. George wants to know who brought the stuff that gave his horses the colic)

9 If you go to George’s place, do not hand Tiny the WWF champ a dollar for holding the door for you. If you do, at best, Tiny will need the money. At worst, Tiny just left his self-esteem discussion group and believes he is a close friend of George Washington. (So now you have made Tiny feel like the help, Josue. Don’t worry that step over toe hold never works to take off the toe. Of course, there is always the first time.)

8 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest a game of Monopoly after dinner. If you do, at best, you’ll get some stares. At worst, George will think it a fun idea. (Now ymust to construct the whole game out of paper and a quill pen, Jourdan. Good luck making the tokens.)

7 If you go to George’s place, do not bring up politics as a dinner discussion item. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, you’ll pick a fight with Aaron Burr. (The instructions are correct, Jovan. You walk 25 paces, turn and fire. Yes, I think Aaron has done this before.)

6 If you go to George’s place, do not tell George the turkey is tough when he asks. If you do, at best, he won’t hear you. At worst, he’ll hand you a musket. (He politely suggests you go out and shoot your turkey, Jozsef. Maybe next time, you’ll just say it is excellent.)

5 If you go to George’s place, do not suggest to Martha that the sweet potatoes would be better with marshmallow bits. If you do, at best, Martha will be too busy to hear you. At worst, Martha will think your suggestion is a good one and hand you a ten-pound bag of sweet potatoes. (Well, now you are in a pickle, Judd. You must figure out how to make sweet potatoes and marshmallow bits.)

4 If you go to George’s house, do not ask for jelly-cranberry sauce. If you do, at best, you have created a discussion topic. At worst, the chef had just reached the end of his rope. It seems there have been several menu changes, Julito. Yours is the straw that broke the camel’s back. That knife looks pretty big from here. I think a good before-dinner run is in order.)

3 If you go to George’s house, do not decide to give a toast to the new constitution. If you do, at best, there will be too many in line before you. At worst, George will ask you about one of the articles. (So as a product of public education, Jullien, have you ever read the constitution, let alone know what is in the section? I thought not. Just say you need the outhouse and be gone.)

2 If you go to George’s house, do not stare at George’s teeth. If you do, at best, he’ll think you are looking at something else. At worst, he will catch on. (So now that you have made your host uncomfortable, Junien. I think you better cut your losses by saying something like, “Are those mahogany?” Or I guess you could say you were looking at his nose. Either way, I hope you have a horse standing by.)

1 If you go to George’s house, do not ask if you can try on a powdered wig. If you do, at best, you’ll be told no. At worst, someone will plop a wig on your head. (Lucky you, Jurgen. You are now wearing the lice and bedbug infected wig that remained after the last redcoat left Washington. Maybe setting your hair on fire will save you. In any case, you have got to find some alcohol fast.)

This post ran on October 2, 2017. I’m still heeding its advice. I hope you find it useful too.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

10 If your electrical service is out, do not try to diagnose and fix the problem. If you do, at best, you’ll melt a screwdriver. At worst, the jolt you receive will clear your mind and sinus. (The manual said the white wire was dead, huh, Bandos?)

9 If your pipes leak, do not try the DIY plumber ploy. If you do at best, you can get the leak to stop a little. At worst, you will finally give up when the water level is above your knees. (Did that last tighten move break everything loose, Berto?)

8 If you need to fix the drywall, do not do it alone. If you do, at best, you’ll finally give up. At worst, you’ll pull something that really hurts. (I hope you enjoy the body cast, Brandt. It is only for twelve weeks.)

7 If your roof needs repair, do not go up there. If you do, at best, the gutters will break your fall. At worst, you can be heard screaming for blocks as you slide down the roof only to land on Tiny, the WWF champ, who just started his new job at UPS. (Notice how fast Tiny recovers from a sneak attack? Too bad every bone in your body won’t let you run away, Burley.)

6 If your window needs replacement, do not try it alone. If you do, at best, it will fall out while your back is turned. At worse, the first wind will cause the window to fall from the second story just as the minister rings your doorbell. (Belonging to that church was optional, right, Burt?)

5 If your siding needs to be replaced, do not do it with friends. If you do, at best, no one will get hurt. At worst, the job will go well until your neighbor steps off the ladder, thinking he is at ground level. (A little too much beer and the second story does seem like ground level, Boswell.)

4 If there is concrete work to do, do not do it. If you insist, at best, the work will look like a kindergarten class project. At worst, the idea of handprints and initials will take on a sinister aspect when you can’t get free. (On TV, that Hollywood Walk of Fame thing looks easy. Right. Brinsley?)

3 If you have a tree that needs removal, do not think you are Paul Bunyan. If you do, at best, the only limbs affected are on the tree. At worst, your scream of “timber” is totally ignored by your house, which never moved. ( Nice to have that two-story view of the sky, huh, Buzzy?)

2 If you have necessary tile work, do not think it is as easy as it looks. If you do, at best, that herringbone pattern appears like a fun house mirror. At worst, your first shower in the newly tiled space will resemble a melting marshmallow flow. (There was something about waiting for 72 hours for the grout to dry, wasn’t there, Bodie?)

1 If your house needs to be power washed, do not think you can do it. If you do, at best, you’ll quit in time. At worst, you won’t notice that the strong spray is taking off the paint along with the dirt. (If you pay attention, Burl, you can also see the lighting fixtures blown into the neighbor’s yard.)

 

This post ran on July 9, 2018. Since we all still go to dentists, it may be useful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are in a Dentist’s Chair

The inspiration for this list was a routine visit to the dentist. Like all dentist offices, I could hear what was happening in several offices around me. I listened to some funny things and made up some of my own. I hope you enjoy this list

10 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not try to answer the dentist’s questions while their hand is in your mouth. If you do, at best, your answer will be garbled and not understood. At worst, the dentist may come up missing a tool. (Yes, it is strange the dentist asks a question while you are incapable of speech, Elijah. Try to resist since that lost tool may be with you for a long time.)

9 If you are in a dentist’s chair, do not listen to Tiny the WWF champ whimper in the next room. If you do, at best, it may unnerve you. At worst, Tiny may catch sight of you as he leaves and will want to make sure you won’t gossip about his lack of fortitude. (That shadow passing over you as you go from the dentist’s office, Evan, is Tiny coming up from behind. Don’t think. Just drop and roll.)

8 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask about the cost of a procedure while it is underway. If you do, at best, you won’t like the answer. At worst, the dentist may decide to give you a discount, provided you can endure the procedure with no painkillers. ( You have to wonder, Ezekiel, why he keeps asking, “Is it safe?” from the movie Marathon Man. Yes, that is you making all that noise.)

7 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not try to read your chart when the Dentist leaves. If you do, at best, you won’t understand a thing. At worst, the hygienist will walk in just as you are leaning over backward with the chart in your hands. (How do you explain yourself, Edgar? You could have just asked to see your chart.)

6 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think about the Italian sub you had for lunch. If you do, at best, you won’t open your mouth. At worst, you will try to explain your faux pas, all while the hygienist continues to spray mouthwash each time you open your mouth. (You wish the “ew” sound were a result of a different source, huh, Elliott?)

5 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not fool around with the controls. If you do, at best, you won’t get wet. At worst, you will cause possible complications from replacing the polishing tool function with a drilling tool function. (That hole in your front tooth is charming, Emmett. Maybe you can get a diamond to fit in there.)

4 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not think the dentist will be right in to see you. If you do, at best, your waiting time will seem even longer. At worst, you fell asleep and drooled all over that lovely napkin under your chin. (How do you explain the wet spot to the hygienist, Edwin? Try your Quasimodo impersonation. “Here. Take whistle. That is the only thing I hear. Blow if in trouble.” They will love it.)

3 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not remind yourself about that 32-ounce Big Gulp soda you finished on the way over here. If you do, at best, you will forgive yourself for not making a restroom stop. At worst, the dental staff will think you are a crack addict, given the amount of twitching and jumping you go through as you try to manage the specter of an accident. (Why is that little voice in your head still talking about Niagara Falls, Easton? Pretty self-defeating, I would say.)

2 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not acknowledge the rumbling inside of you. If you do, at best, your explanation of the sour kraut and corned beef sandwich will fall on unsympathetic ears. At worst, you may give your body permission to vent off the building pressure. (Nothing pleases people more in a closed room, Edmund.)

1 If you are in the dentist’s chair, do not ask to hold a teddy bear before the procedure. If you do, at best, the staff will think you are joking. At worst, you will get the bear and a chart notation to watch for an emotional break in the future. (Ever wonder why everyone talks in a whisper when you visit the office, Ezequiel?)

 

This post ran on July 23, 2018. Here we are in August, almost a month later, facing the same situation.

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The inspiration for this list was yesterday’s high temperature and high humidity.

10 If the heat index is above 110, do not do your 10K run. If you do, at best, your water will run out at 5K. At worst, passersby will wonder what you are doing in the community fountain. (Look like the police wonder the same thing, Edan. I think your reason should be a little better than “Trying to cool off” since only a fool, crazy person, or drunk person would be running today.)

9 If the heat index is above 110, do not fail to say “excuse me” if you accidentally bump into Tiny, the WWF Wrestling champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will be too hot to care. At worst, Tiny, who just walked out of his affiliation addiction support group, will honestly believe you hit him on purpose. (Coupled with the heat and Tiny’s need to be liked, I think you are headed for a harrowing afternoon, Edward. Running will only make him madder.)

8 If the heat index is above 110, do not get out that lawnmower. If you do, at best, there will be no gas. At worst, you will get halfway finished before the case of heat stroke hits you. (The sad part is in addition to the hospital stay, you are in violation of your homeowner’s association rules on lawn care. You better have someone finish the lawn, Efraim, before Mrs. Jones spots that half-done lawn cut.)

7 If the heat index is above 110, do not go tenting as planned. If you do, at best, you won’t need a fire to heat your coffee water. At worst, during the night, the local bear family gets the idea you are a specially prepared dish called a naked ape roasted in canvas. (Yeah, there is no way you are going to talk them out of a meal, Eisa. Might as well give up that sirloin you were going to have tomorrow and count yourself lucky at that.)

6 If the heat index is above 110, do not think you will make it home with that gallon of ice cream. If you do, at best, you should take a spoon. At worst, you’ll arrive home with a leaking container of melted ice cream, which will leave a trail across the new carpet as you head for the kitchen. (I think you might just continue out the back door, Elazar. Pretty hard to explain the new chocolate on the white wool decorating scheme. As you leave, I would do a serpentine maneuver. Harder for a shooter to hit.)

5 If the heat index is above 110, do not think being on a body of water is going to cool you. If you do, at best, the boat has a canopy, so you won’t die. At worst, you will remember the poem The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner as you whisper through parched lips, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” (Time to get on the radio and call for help, Elfred. Of course, you will be lucky if anyone will answer a crazy man.)

4 If the heat index is above 110, do not escape the heat in the corner bar. If you do, at best, the bartender will allow you to stay while sipping one drink. At worst, you will think you have to keep consuming drinks while sitting on the bar stool. (Now that you have beaten the heat tell us how you are going to get home, Elija. You certainly can’t drive and walking is impossible as well. Maybe if you could talk, you could ask for a cab.)

3 If the heat index is above 110, do not go ahead with that cookout. If you do, at best, your guests will all cancel. At worst, they all show up and take on available liquid at an unprecedented rate. (Too bad all you are offering is your famous trash can punch, Elkhanah. It seems that no one is still standing as you serve your equally renowned ribs. Good thing you have lots of floor space.)

2. If the heat index is above 110, do not ignore the power company’s warnings about conserving electricity consumption. If you do, at best, everyone else does, and you have no loss of power. At worst, your electricity shuts down, and you are now faced with a night of sleeping in a house with a heat index of 120. (Why is it that when the electricity goes off, it gets hotter, Elmo? Must be a law of some kind.)

1 If the heat index is above 110, do not forget your children and pets need extra care. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky that the neighbor rescued them, and they will be fine. We don’t want to think of the worst case. (Just keep them cool, Elwin. And for heaven’s sake, don’t leave anyone in the car, A/C or not. By the way, the neighbor has challenged you to a duel.)

 

This post was published on July 2, 2018, but I think it has relevance today. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came from Linda Leinen, the author of the terrific blog Task at Hand. 

We were commenting on one of my Top Ten posts, and she wondered, “Have you ever done a Top Ten Things to Do for people who are trying to get caught up online?” I indicated that I could do the reciprocal of that thought, and here it is today. Thanks, Linda, for the question.

Linda has had unique experiences, and visiting her blog will be rewarding.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Have Fallen Behind on Social Media

Here is the list. (Anyone who might think this list is serious, please be advised it is a broad satire statement regarding our phobic belief that social media is indispensable)

10 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not make up an excuse like, “I have been so busy being successful with my new bestseller; I just haven’t had time for you little people.” If you do, at best, you’ll lose a few followers. At worst, you might wake up to the sound of crickets on all your social media accounts. (Where did all those followers go, Ermanno?)

9 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not panic and accept a friend request from just anyone. If you do, at best, you may have a long list of people you don’t know. At worst, you might accept a friend request from Tiny, the WWF champ, just after his online romance fell apart. (You gotta hope the one hundred direct messages from Tiny are just a fluke for today, Ervin. Heaven knows you don’t want to unfriend him. Ever.)

8 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think that by posting more, you will be back sooner. If you do, at best, it will just make the problem more intense. At worst, now your followers will think you are having some kind of psychological break and will hit unfollow faster than a duck on a June bug. (Never thought more is less, did you, Esbjorn?)

7 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not just delete all the comments to which you cannot respond. If you do, at best, some will not notice. At worst, a large group of followers will think you passed away and will start a GoFundMe campaign for a memorial. (That is if you are well-liked, Eskil. More than likely, there will be a host of unfollows)

6 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not check yourself into a treatment center. If you do, at best, you’ll be discharged immediately as a ‘nothing wrong here person.’ At worst, you’ll inadvertently make up some mental problem, which will take ten weeks of group therapy before you are set free. (That will teach you to run away from your problems, Este. Now what?)

5 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not run away to a cabin in the woods. If you do, at best, you’ll aggravate the bears. At worst, while you are off the grid, a new social media form will be invented, and when you return, you will be hopelessly behind this one as well. (Ever hear of Moore’s Law, Eumaeus. You are now in the dark ages.)

4 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not attempt to compensate by eating ice cream. If you do, at best, the time spent eating will get you further back. At worst, your ice cream bill and your extra pounds will go up in equal proportions. (It doesn’t help to eat ice cream while on a stationary bike, Eurypylus.)

3 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not call the suicide hotline. If you do, at best, they will hang up. At worst, you’ll get someone who has a difficult time understanding the severe nature of your angst and will start cracking jokes about your condition. (You have to admit, Eustis. Your problem is pretty minor compared to that of other folks.)

2 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not call 911 for help. If you do, at best, the line will be busy. At worst, the officers dispatched to your house will hand you a citation for a false emergency. (Of course, Everard, there could be a minor miracle where one of the officers is behind on social media as well. If so, you are saved.)

1 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think all those busy folks who stay current with you will simply ignore your faux pas. If you do, at best, you will experience the sound of silence. At worst, you must curry forgiveness by inventing an ironclad excuse. (The only reason that is not debatable as to its harmful interference with your social media obligations is to tell everyone you are recovering from brain surgery. Of course, Evyn, you can’t fall behind again.)

 

This post was run on June 25, 2018. It still may make some sense.

Top Ten Things Not-to-Do While Making a Top Ten Things Not-to-Do List

10 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not search the internet for top ten ideas. If you do, at best, your creativity will be stilted. At worst, you’ll start duplicating others’ work without knowing it. (Looks like that plagiarism charge is going to stick, Elder. There goes the old writing career.)

9 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not ask Tiny, the WWF champ, to preview the ridiculous stuff you wrote about him. If you do, at best, Tiny left his reading glasses at home. At worst, Tiny just left his self-esteem support group and is now taking everything you wrote literally. (I wouldn’t worry about getting your shredded paper back, Elia. I think I would begin to move towards the door.)

8 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not check with a loved one to see if it is funny. If you do, at best, you’ll be disappointed with the response. At worst, you’ll get a reminder about how beautiful it would be if you had a real job. (You can’t expect everyone to like your stuff, Ellery. Keep looking; maybe you’ll find one person who does.)

7 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not stare at people who will eventually end up on the list. If you do, at best, one may ask you, “Are you looking at me?” At worst, you might be taken for a stalker and have to explain yourself. (As you can see, the police have no interest in your list-making career, Elson. They just want you to come quietly.)

6 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not make the subject so obscure no one will get it. If you do, at best, your readership may drop. At worst, you will be explaining your meaning for the next ten years. (So why do you suppose nobody got the Top Ten things not to do in a Barnyard, Emery? I thought it was fascinating.)

5 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not make a list so familiar that everyone will think you did these things. If you do, at best, you’ll look like a fool. At worst, the FBI opens a file about you, and you get this strange feeling you are being followed. (Don’t look now, Emilin, but there is a black SUV at the end of your block.)

4 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not think the subjects will come to you if you drink more. If you do, at best, you can run one you published before. At worst, you will actually hit publish without waiting until the morning after to proofread the work. ( You know those seven words George Carlin said can’t be used on the radio? Well, Emrys, you used each one in your post. They aren’t allowed there either.)

3 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not think you have to be practical. If you do, at best, your work will be as dry as unbuttered rye toast. At worst, you’ll get mail from folks more practical than you telling you how your list is impractical. ( just shows to go ya, Endymion. You can’t please all the people all the time. Gotta stick with fiction.)

2 If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not stop until you have ten things. If you do, at best, you’ll look like you had a bad night. At worst, folks will be looking for the tenth item and will assume you are holding out on them. (Okay, so it is not such a big deal, Enrico, but some of your regulars are talking about a boycott. Who advertises ten and then publishes only nine? Crazy people, that’s who.)

1. If you are making a top ten things not-to-do list, do not think you will be discovered someday. If you do, at best, you’ll still work in the dark. At worst, you will create a false expectation that your lists are the key to fame. (It looks like another day has passed without that million seller, Ericson. Maybe you need to make another list.)