This post ran on March 12, 2018.  I think jury duty is still a thing so it may have some use.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Called for Jury Duty

The inspiration for this list was reading about Dan Antion’s experience being called for jury duty. I asked Dan if he wouldn’t mind sharing what it was like. He graciously sent the rules of jury duty for my review. I have to tell you, Dan is the kind of person who would never do any of these.

10 If you are called for jury duty, do not ignore the summons. If you do, at best, the sheriff will greet you before you go to work. At worst, your co-workers will be entertained by the process known as the “perp walk.” (Who takes official papers seriously, Dubhgan? It looks like the courts do.)

9 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to wear your “jurist badge.” If you do, at best, someone may confuse you with a lawyer. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ and northwest member of the sheriff’s department, will have you on the floor with your hands zip-tied behind you. (You do look good in that jumpsuit, Dughall. I know it would have been kind of Tiny to ask who you were, but he had a job to do.)

8 If you are c lled for jury duty, do not forget to check in with the clerk when you go on breaks or leave for the day. If you do, at best, you’ll be marked absent and will have to serve again. At worst, an overzealous us judge will think you are ignoring your duty and issue a summons for your arrest for contempt of court. (Now that past due parking ticket takes on a new meaning, right, Duran? BTW what is a SWAT team doing at the front door with that battering ram?)

7 If you are called for jury duty, do not park anywhere but in the designated juror parking lot. If you do, at best, you might get a ticket or be towed. At worst, you’ll return to your car and find it up on cement blocks. (Why are courthouses in the worst neighborhoods, Dusty? Oh, look, your engine is gone, too. )

6 If you are called for jury duty, do not think being excused early means you don’t have to return to work. If you do, at best, your boss will get a report of the hours. At worst, while you are celebrating the half day off in your favorite place, your boss and the boss’s boss all come in for lunch. (Kinda hard to explain why you are not at the courthouse, Devyn. Especially since it is after 1:00 and ten miles away from here.)

5 If you are called for jury duty, do not turn on the news in the juror’s lounge. If you do, at best, the burley bailiff will turn it off. At worst, you will be singled out as the person responsible for the motion by the defense for a new trial. (Of course, the trial has been going on for four weeks, and now all your fellow jurors have you to thank for the huge waste of time, Dixon.)

4 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to turn off your cell phone. If you do, at best, you’ll get no calls. At worst, just as the defense has concluded an emotional final argument, your phone goes off, blaring your cus om ringtone by the Who. (That long, grave silence the defense was counting on just evaporated in laughter, Daegan. I’m not sure how they will feel about that move. I do know the judge just pounded the gavel head into sawdust.)

3 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to bring your lunch. If you do, at best, there will be a vending machine. At worst, there will be a vending machine but no way to make change. (You can still use that fiver, Dallen, but I agree—five bucks seems like a lot for a Snickers bar.)

2 If you are called for jury duty, do not ignore the rules for walking around the courthouse. If you do, at best, you may wander into the wrong court. At worst, you may go through a door that closes and locks behind you. (This is great, Damak. You have entered the private chambers of the judge and are being asked your name and what you are doing there. I think the next step is forced removal by that burley bailiff.  Yup, here he comes.)

1 If you are called for jury duty, do not think you can leave without completing the attendance report. If you do, at best, you’ll have to serve again. At worse, you won’t have proof you spent the last three weeks as a juror to give to your employer. (You thought the bureaucracy was terrible during jury duty. How about the red tape at the unemployment office, Danhy?)

Well, here we are for a lifetime event. It is perfect that the eclipse coincides with my top ten list on Monday. You can bet I did not have a spare list hanging around, so yes, this is original.  I’ll run it again during the next one in 300 years.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Eclipse Day

1 On eclipse day, do not pull into the Chic-Fil-A drive-through. If you do, at best, your wait will be the normal hour. At worst, you will still be there three days from now. (who knew that everyone for ten states around wanted a chicken sandwich, Ferd.)

2 On eclipse day, do not serve inappropriate food at your party. If you do, at best, no one will attend the next one in 300 years. At worst, you will be known as the humorless old grump who doesn’t know how to throw a party. (A pretty tough evaluation for someone who didn’t serve Moon pies, sun chips, meteorite cheese balls, Orbit and Eclipse gum, Galaxy cupcakes, Starbursts, Milky Way, Capri Suns, and Moonshine martinis.)

3 On eclipse day, do not think those Ray Bans will protect your eyes. If you do, at best, you’ll catch on quickly. At worst, the week off from work to rest your eyes won’t be covered under the company’s benefits program. (You didn’t read the fine print under the heading ‘acts of stupidly’ did you Ralph?)

4 On eclipse day, do not think your grocery store will have a full food stock. If you do, at best, you only want to buy rutabagas.  At worst, you’ll find the shelves as empty as the day before a significant weather event. (You didn’t count on your town population going from 11,000 to 220,000 people since you are on the 100% coverage path. You will survive without milk, but your caffeine level is in the red, Buford.)

5 On eclipse day, do not decide to take the family for a leisurely ride in the car. If you do, at best, no one cares you have only gone two blocks in two hours. At worst, you will suddenly realize the traffic gridlock means you’ll spend the night in the car. (Little Jimmy’s cough and runny nose didn’t seem like a big deal before. Looks like twelve hours of exposure may put you under, Sid.)

6 On eclipse day, do not think you won’t need sunscreen. If you do, at best, the day will be cloudy. At worse, your assumption of the sun being blocked has given you a quick trip to the ER for those third-degree burns. (You should have known the eclipse only lasts four minutes, Bunky. The rest of the twelve hours you spent out there would have required an SPF of 50.)

7 On eclipse day, do not think you are immune to the effects of too many tequila sunrises. If you do, at best, you will quietly pass out. At worst, the next morning, you look at the outgoing calls on your phone to discover at least ten to your boss after midnight. (Too bad you can’t remember the reasons for the calls, Tex. Maybe it will come to you at your one-on-one Zoom meeting with the boss in five minutes.)

8 On eclipse day, do not try to park for free in that vacant lot. If you do, at best, the owner of the lot is on vacation. At worse, Tiny the WWF champion, the lot owner, has been dying to try out his new piece of recycling equipment. (The two-foot square metal block that used to be your car is available at Tiny’s recycling center. He’ll give you a deal, Haywood.)

9 On eclipse day, do not finish that 32-ounce big gulp before the big event. If you do, at best, the city has provided port-a-potties. At worse, the event you are attending is in the middle of a giant field with no facilities, and there is not a tree, shrub, or bush for miles. (You are now faced with a dilemma, Jake. You either make a run for it or hope there is a puddle you can drop into.)

10 On eclipse day, do not skip the event. If you do, at best, you’ll miss a lifetime opportunity. At worst, you have yourself convinced that it was no big deal. (Don’t worry, Derrell, maybe with cryogenics, you might be available three hundred years from now for the next one.)

This post was published on February 5, 2018. I think it is still current since there are many geniuses walking around.

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I was inspired to write this post after pondering a discussion with a brilliant person. I wondered what it would be like to be that smart. One thing led to another, and the list was born.

Top Ten Things Not to Ask a Genius

10 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them how it feels to be so smart. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh. At worst, you’ll be forcibly engaged in a Socratic analysis of what “smart” means. (Getting tired after a couple of hours, are you, Dante?)

9 If you are talking to a genius, do not mention the weather. If you do, at best, they’ll excuse themselves. At worst, you’ll be entertained by a recap of the correlation between black hole proximity and global warming. (You didn’t know that was the subject of the person’s doctoral dissertation, did you, Deon?)

8 If you are talking to a genius, do not make any sudden moves. If you do, at best, you’ll get a flinch. At worst, your genius will have Tiny, the WWF champ, as a best friend. (Tiny moves fast when he thinks there is a danger, Demetri. I think I would begin testing those Rockport shoes and see if they are a flexible as advertised.)

7 If you are talking to a genius, do not comment on their clothes. If you do, at best, they won’t understand what you are saying. At worst, they will provide you with the existential theory behind their choice of what to wear today. (Not only did it take two hours, but you still don’t understand how the stripes and checks relate to the world politic, do you, Dixon?)

6 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them what they want to eat. If you do, at best, you will get an “anything” response. At worst, you will be taken down a probiotic path from which there is no return. (You’ll never look at a steak the same way again, Dacy.)

5 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them about their favorite sport. If you do, at best, they’ll defer to asking you. At worst, after an hour,, you finally realize they are talking about a game that was played in ancient Macedonia. (The sad part is their team lost, and you now have a complete commentary on how the other team cheated with a deflated goat bladder and poisoned arrows.  Some fun, huh, Daelan?)

4 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask what they watch on television. If you do, at best, you’ll have to define the term “television.” At worst, you will be treated to watching the Nature Blog live feed of baby ants who were cloned from a prehistoric frozen egg hatching as viewed on an iPad. (Really glad you asked that one, aren’t you, Dagan? Wait! Is that an anteater?)

3 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask if they have a hobby. If you do, at best, they’ll be too shy to share. At worst, before you know it, you are hooked up to a worldwide XBox War of the World gaming competition. (So how many lives do you have left, Daileass? I think you better swing that broadsword at everything you see. Given the intensity of this game, I have a feeling that once your lives are finished, you are, too.)

2 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask if they belong to a club. If you do, at best, you’ll get a stare before they walk away. At worst, you will have to defend the idea of having a high affiliation need as it relates to your own insecurities. (Makes you want to go to a cabin in the mountains doesn’t it, Daire? Then you can prove you are not intellectually weak and, as a result, don’t need anyone.)

1 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask what they do for a living. If you do, at best, you’ll get a one-word answer, “work.” At worst, you will have a detailed description of the job but will not understand what it is in a hundred years. (Did you get the opinion that they were speaking in a different language, Dalbert? What the hell is a Spectrographic Survey Specialist anyway?

This post ran on January 15th, 2018. Since people still visit cities, it may be helpful.

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The inspiration for this post was thinking about supercities and possibly taking tours of them. These tours are not necessarily guided but just touring in general.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a City Tour

10 If you are touring Chicago, do not wear your Yankee baseball cap. If you do, at best, people will believe you have just been released from the mental hospital. At worst, the police will arrest you for unlawful assembly. (The crowd that gathered trying to convince you to burn your cap did get out of hand, right? Cnute?)

9 If you are touring New York City, do not hire Tiny, the WWF champ, as your tour guide. If you do, at best, your only tour stop will be Gold’s Gym. At worst, you and Tiny will get into a principal argument about going to the 100th floor of the Empire State Building. (You had no idea Tiny was afraid of heights, did you, Colla? Now it doesn’t matter, because all you are seeing now is the inside of Bellview Hospital Center.)

8 If you are touring San Francisco, do not shut the cell door on Alcatraz Island. If you do, you will hear no click, and at worst, you will have picked the only cell that automatically locks when the door is closed. (The bad news is the guard with the key retired ten years ago. Yelling won’t help, Conell. Maybe the fire department can figure out a way to release you.)

7 If you are touring London, do not try to make the guard at Buckingham Palace smile. If you do, at best, someone will ask you to leave. At worst, you will be the 100th person to try today, and the guard’s Zoloft dose will have just worn off. (So much for your ugly American imitation, Cruz. Now you have to run.)

6 If you are touring Berlin, do not try to cut to the front of a line. If you do, at best, you will be politely told about your rudeness. At worst, you may be rewarded with a knuckle sandwich served without mustard. (I know you are used to doing that, Cyril. Here, that is a big no-no.)

5 If you are touring Paris, do not walk down the street eating a croissant. If you do, at best, you’ll collect a bunch of stares. At worst, passers-by will mistake you for someone who is mentally challenged and call the medics. (That straight jacket is only for your own protection, Cydney. Might as well relax.)

4 If you are touring Rome, do not speak loudly or draw attention to yourself in other ways. If you do, at best, the locals will scowl. At worst, the police will mistake you for a Russian spy. (You can guess how this will turn out, huh, Christiano?)

3 If you are touring Madrid, do not mention Francisco Franco, the dictator, unless you know the people well. If you do, at best, you’ll be forced to listen to a three-hour lecture on the evils of his regime. At worst, you might be mistaken for a follower and end up in a duel. (Why didn’t someone warn you, Crey? Well, one would have thought you knew enough to avoid politics with people you don’t know.)

2 If you are touring Cairo, do not bring flowers to your host’s dinner. If you do, at best, someone may tell you to dispose of them. At worst, the host will think you are offering condolences or wanting to get married, which are the only reasons to bring flowers in Egypt. (Looks like you are getting hitched, Conyn, since no one has passed away. Good luck.)

1 If you are touring Moscow, do not keep your seat on the bus if an elderly person has to stand. If you do, at best, someone will give up their place but glower at you. At worst, you might be helped off the bus two miles before your stop. (You need to pay better attention to the local rules, Coltrane.)

This was posted on January 26, 2016. Since we just finished the playoffs, this looks like good advice.

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The inspiration for this list was this season’s NFL playoffs. There were enough punches thrown during the various games and enough trash talk to fill a stadium. Although I was not a party to any of the conversations, my imagination went to the point of asking the question,  “What could one player say to another that would warrant an attempted punch to the nose. (I say attempted since most players are guarded by a facemask, and it would be tough to make a fist-to-nose contact.) Also, I know none of us play American football, but what if we did? I hope you enjoy the post since we are now in the last moments of this season.

The Top Ten Things Not to Say to an Opponent on the American Football Field

10 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard they were losing their Nike endorsement. If you do, at best, the player will think you are joking. At worst, the player will assume you have the endorsement and will try the fist-to-nose maneuver. (You know those endorsements don’t come easy.)

9 If you are on the football field, do not ask another player about last night. If you do, at best, you’ll get a stare. At worst, the player will assume you know something and will court a penalty to take you out. (Last night is something players never mention. Right?)

8 If you are on the football field, do not tell a player he looks cute on the jumbotron. If you do, at best, the player will avoid you for the rest of the game. At worst, the player will finally get that you wanted to tempt him to look continually at the jumbotron and will take you out with a chop block. (It was a good try and pretty funny when he went downfield for a pass and couldn’t take his eyes off himself.)

7 If you are on the football field, do not make fun of another player’s Ferrari color. If you do, at best, he will tease you about not having one. At worst, the player will start to become self-conscious about his choice of purple and take it out on you. (The dealer did call it Red Cassis, though)

6 If you are on the football field, do not mention the nasty tweet that the player made, which required a huge apology. If you do, at best, the player will give you a knuckle sandwich warning. At worst, just when you thought you were going to catch that game-winning touchdown, you wake up in the hospital instead. (Never saw it coming, did ya bunkie. Oh, and by the way, your team lost.)

5 If you are on the football field, do not ask a player if that is his mother in the stands. If you do, at best, he won’t have time to think about it and just smile. At worst, he will realize you are talking about his latest date and will make a tackle you’ll remember well into the next season. (You should always be respectful. Right?)

4 If you are on the football field, do not tackle a player and then say, “That was easy.” If you do, at best, the player will throw you off. At worst, you and the player will look like children on the playground punching each other on the ground in front of thirty million viewers. (Why won’t the press leave this one alone, you wonder?)

3 If you are on the football field, do not put your face mask into another player’s face mask and tell him he’s ugly. If you do, at best, you know a fist-to-nose attempt is on its way. At worst, you will wonder what happened right after your helmet went airborne and the lights went out. (No way to talk to a 350-pound tackle)

2 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard his Super Bowl ring is in a pawn shop. If you do, at best, you will be on the ground on the next play. At worst, you will be the center of attention on a time-out and cart ride back to the locker room. (Learned a lesson about finance, didn’t you)

1 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that your agent is the same as his. If you do, at best, the game will be a series of who can outdo who. At worst, since you both behaved so poorly, your agent has now cut you both loose. (A bit of discretion could have avoided all this angst.)

As you can imagine, all ten not-to-dos are the same. Do not forget to fill your heart with peace and love this Christmas Day.

This post ran on December 24th, 2018. I hope you can enjoy it again.

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This Top Ten list of what not to do continues with a historical backdrop. On December 24th, 1818, the Christmas carol “Silent Night” composed by Franz Xaver Gruber was first sung at St Nicholas parish church in Oberndorf, Austria. If you time travel, here is a list that might keep you from making a mistake and prepare you for a Merry Christmas.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Singing of Silent Night in 1818 by John W. Howell © 2018

10 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not sing off-key. If you do, at best, the crowd will cover you up. At worst, the choir director will call a couple of big guys and have you removed. (We know you love to sing, Gerrald. You just have to sing more quietly.)

9 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to avoid contributing to the collection plate being passed by Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t notice. At worst, Tiny, who promised 10% of his earnings to the church, will take offense. (Being held upside down and shaken until the coins fall is not the best thing, Gerritt. It sure beats a windmill body slam, though.)

8 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your “Happy Birthday JC” Christmas sweater. If you do, at best, most will not understand the message. At worst, a six-foot-seven Knight of the Templer will take it upon himself to eliminate your sweater ( I think I would offer to take the garment off and do some kind of penance, Giacomo. Otherwise, he will keep applying pressure to your head.)

7 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not arrive late for the service. If you do, at best, there will be a seat in the back pew. At worst, you will be directed to the front bench. (While you are taking that long walk, Gibson, the director, is holding his baton in mid-air, waiting for you to reach your seat. Good thing you wore a red scarf. Your face matches it correctly.)

6 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not think you know the words, and avoid using the hymnal. If you do, at best, you’ll only be noticed by a few. At worst, the entire congregation will be nudging each other and pointing, as you get most wrong. ( You can almost feel the mocking, can’t you, Gille? Wait until you turn around to leave.)

5 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not fall asleep during the sermon. If you do, at best, only the priest will know. At worst, your snoring is the subject of more than a few giggles. (Sadly, the priest decides to use you as an example of the sinning world. Oh, and don’t compliment the priest on his sermon on the way out, Gimle.)

4 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not finish that 32-ounce big gulp tankard before you arrive at the service. If you do, at best, the service will be short. At worst, the service turns into the highest mass with the most ritual possible. (After the first hour, you are beginning to openly sweat, Girisha. I would pray harder for mercy.)

3 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your Long Live France t-shirt. If you do, at best, most will not remember the War of the Seventh Coalition in 1815. At worst, most of the congregation are veterans of the war. (It looks like you have hit a sore point, Guiliano. I think you might want to exit through the side door.)

2 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not go a-wassailing for too many wassails before the service. If you do, at best, the cold night air will straighten you out. At worst, you’ll accidentally do a header into the pew in front of you. (I know you just meant to bow your head, Gleipnif. Try telling that to the spinster on whom you are laying.)

1 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to sneak out without shaking the priest’s hand. If you do, at best, the side door will be unlocked. At worse, you choose the wrong door and realize you are now in the priest’s vestment room. (Funny how that door locked behind you, Godfrey. You will now have the pleasure of explaining precisely what you are doing here once the priest is finished shaking hands.)

This post was initially run on December 16th, 2016. Parties and our behavior at them have not changed much, so I hope you enjoy it again. If you remember it from the last time, you probably don’t need the advice given here.

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The inspiration for this list has been an adult life-long fascination with human interactions. There is no time like the holidays to go out and get an actual feeling of how people interrelate. I may have published some of these points under a different context, but it still bears repeating some of the advice again. I cannot swear I haven’t done any of these, but I don’t think so. Also, a message to the Yale School of Psychology. This is all in fun and should not be used as part of the curriculum dealing with Holiday stress. With that disclaimer, here we go.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Holiday Party

10 At a holiday party, do not assume because the drinks are free, you can have all you want. If you do, at best, you will find the next morning that the drinks were not free after all. At worst, you might wake up in the guest room bathtub and have no idea how you got there. (Your host was very pleased when you locked the door to the only bathroom in the house. Too bad the pounding on the door didn’t give you a hint, Bunky.)

9 At a holiday party, do not think an informal atmosphere will lend itself to getting closer to your boss. If you do, At best, you will only say one stupid thing. At worst, you wake up at 3:00 am realizing you told your boss exactly what you thought of the latest project. (Now you also remember the hurt look on the boss’ face since it was a pet project. Maybe you can say you had a brain aneurysm, huh, Ferd?)

8 At a holiday party, do not double dip from the crab spread. If you do, at best, no one will notice, and you’ll be safe. At worst, unfortunately, you chose the moment when the boss was doing a video panorama and are now a piece of history. (The playback at the office caused a noticeable groan from your co-workers, and several grabbed their zinc inhalers. Why you had to sneeze right after the double dip is anybody’s guess.)

7 At a holiday party, do not think of arriving without a host gift. If you do, at best, you might be able to sneak in unnoticed. At worst, the host had requested in the invitation to bring an unwrapped toy for a needy child. (That will teach you to ignore letters. You never sent an RSVP either, did you, Buster?)

6 At a holiday party, do not think everyone wants to sing carols. If you do, at best, you may be doing a solo. At worst, you will be so annoying that the host will ask his cousin Tiny, with WWF champ, to see you to the door. (Tiny’s method of seeing people to the door is very similar to his winning body slam in the ring. Don’t worry, nothing’s broken. It’s all fake, remember?)

5 At a holiday party, do not try to get away with bringing a  cheap bottle of wine as a gift. If you do, at best, no one will see you set it down. At worst, your host will thank you and suggest that you open it immediately to share with the guests. (Two-buck Chuck is so well-known, Oscar, that your face is now the color of the wine.)

4 At a holiday party, do not attempt to have controversial discussions with each conversation. If you do, at best, you’ll end up talking to the dog. At worst, you’ll spark a debate that will ultimately engulf the entire room and eventually lead to the arrival of a SWAT team. (Well, you did learn that politics is a hot subject, didn’t you, Bucky?)

3 At a holiday party, do not think you have to entertain everyone with your jokes. If you do, at best, you’ll find out quickly you are no Henny Youngman. At worst, most in attendance will enquire of the host about that strange person who is not funny. (The beautiful thing is your boss’ boss took down your name which should lead to some good stuff. Maybe at the next company, huh, Milton?)

2 At a holiday party, do not suggest everyone go out into the snow to see how beautiful the lights look. If you do, at best, no one will follow you. At worst, your host will open the front door and promptly slam and lock it after you are gone. (It seemed like a good idea at the time, didn’t it, Roscoe?. Now you need to call and get your shoes back.)

1 At a holiday party, do not ignore someone who asks for your keys. If you do, at best, you will be breaking the law. At worst, you could be responsible for hurting yourself and, more importantly, an innocent victim. (Obviously, we all should remember not to drink and drive this holiday season.)