The golf cart has become a significant form of transportation here in Lakeway. Mainly because the town was built around several golf courses. This post originally ran on December 4, 2017. Since I see golf carts everywhere, I think it is still valid.

10 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the safety belts are there as a bit of humor. If you do, at best, you’ll get a $150.00 ticket. At worst, you will find yourself outside the cart at the first bump. (You didn’t think nineteen miles per hour could cause you to pitch out onto the street, right, Chadwick?)

9 If you are on a golf cart, do not expect Tiny, the WWF champ who has just left his weight training class, to yield to you. If you do, at best, you will miss each other in the middle of the street. At worst, Tiny will stop your cart and then show you how he can press the hardware with you on it. (Watch that trip down when Tiny drops the whole mess on the street, Chalmar.)

8 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can ignore the traffic rules. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning. At worst, you and the cart will be under arrest. (You gotta envy the fact that the cart gets to stay outside the jail, don’t you, Chas?)

7 If you are on a golf cart, do not try a turn at full speed. If you do, at best, you may blow a tire. At worst, as you take the curve on two wheels, all your belongings and half your family will be dumped on the street. (You will have a tough time explaining your maneuver to those in the emergency room, Chauncy.)

6 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can go twenty miles an hour under the speed limit on the main road. If you do, at best, you’ll realize soon you need to get off. At worst, an irate driver will help you, along with little concern for your welfare. (You didn’t know a golf cart being pushed by an eighteen-wheeler could go that fast, did you, Chetwin? Also, you didn’t have that white hair before the lift, did you?)

5 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can carry more people than the number of places to sit. If you do, at best, the golf cart won’t have enough power to move. At worst, you will lose a couple of the standing-room-only passengers on the first turn. (You say one of those thrown into a cactus patch was your boss, Clemens?)

4 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have the right of way because you are smaller. If you do, at best, you’ll just get an air horn warning. At worst, you will be trying to return a flattened golf cart. (The cart store proprietor doesn’t have much of a sense of humor, does he, Clovis?)

3 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the police will ignore drinking and driving. If you do, at best, your friends won’t let you drive. At worst, you’ll try to explain to the officer why you think a golf cart is just a toy. (Looks like the punishment is the same as a car, Cowen. Hope you have a spare $15,000.)

2 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to wave to everyone you pass. If you do, at best, you’ll be taken as an idiot. At worst, people will think you are a politician and will chase you off the beach. (Oh, you are, in fact, running for office, Creighton. I would move off the beach fast.)

1 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to display several flags. If you do, at best, folks will think you work for the circus. At worst, all that flapping in the wind will slow you down and make you lose your hearing. (You think that the “It’s five o’clock somewhere” flag is unique, don’t you, Cydney?)

 

The inspiration for this list came naturally from having decorated several houses over the years. I guess I could be guilty of some of these, but not all. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not ignore the number of lights on a continuous string instruction on the lights. If you do, at best, you will trip a circuit breaker. At worst, you may take down the Eastern seaboard grid. (Who’s going to pay that bill, Caelan? Don’t forget the lawsuits that range anywhere from unwanted pregnancy to being trapped in an elevator.)

9 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not hire unlicensed contractors, especially if they are named Tiny, the WWF champ who just got out of confined anger management care. If you do, at best, you may get off with a broken window or two. At worst, you may find your lights wadded in a ball in your neighbor’s living room. (How were you to know your neighbor would yell at Tiny and tell him to turn down the rap music, Cane? Also, how would you know Tiny would jump through your neighbor’s roof and take out a floor and ceiling on his way to the living room. The big question to be answered now is where is Tiny and your neighbor?)

8 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use the twenty-four-foot ladder to reach the peak of the roof. If you do, at best, you’ll be stopped by someone who loves you. At worst, you’ll plant that corner star just before your free fall to eternity. (Man. that was a mammoth first step down, wasn’t it Calder?)

7 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think all garland is alike. If you do, at best, you’ll have a mismatched mess. At worst, just as you finish with the final strand and just before frostbite sets in, you will be told to change it. (You had the courage to go up on that ladder once, huh, Caly? How about now?)

6 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think you must out-decorate your neighbor. If you do, at best, you’ll end up spending too much money. At worst, your neighbor increased his light and display capability last year when all the decorations were seventy percent off. (He has way too much stuff for you to finish on top, Carlton. You may take a lesson and wait for the sale and catch him next year.”

5 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think everyone in the neighborhood likes all green lights. If you do, at best, there will be no comments. At worst, you will find a picture of your house on Facebook with the caption, “The most non-original decoration on the planet.” (Kinda hurts your feelings, doesn’t it? Cartland? Green is your favorite color.)

4 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to fasten the decorations well. If you do, at best, there will be no wind. At worst, your decorations will be at the mercy of the nighttime winter winds. (It is no problem collecting your lights from the next-door neighbor, right Chadwick?)

3 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to double-check the timer. If you do, at best, the lights will come on too early. At worst, the lights will come on at the right time but burn throughout the night (What would be even worse is they come on at six am and go off at six pm, Chas.)

2 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use blow-up lawn decorations. If you do, at best, they look like piles of plastic during the day. At worse, the blow-up machine could get a short, and your blow-up decoration looks like an entry in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. (Whoever thought Rudolf could get that big just before he exploded, Clemens?)

1 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not have Holiday music on an outdoor speaker. If you do, at best, your neighbors will complain. At worst, you unknowingly violated the town noise ordinance. (Not a good idea to tell the SWAT team to get off your property, Cleveland. Too bad about that new storm door.)

This post ran on November 13, 2017. I think the advice may hold. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list is the approaching holidays, where families all gather around and play a board game or two. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Playing Board Games

10 If you are playing a board game, do not insist on using the same token as last year. If you do, at best, you will be teased for being a stick in the mud. At worst, you’ll have to sit out the game since your older brother already laid claim to the piece. (You believe he did that on purpose, don’t you, Chester?)

9 If you are playing a board game, do not argue with Tiny the WWF champ, who is spending the holidays at your house as part of a prison holiday release program, when he lays down a scrabble word XXZZWMP. If you do, at best, you’ll need to leave the game. At worst, you’ll need to find some ice for that black eye. (Mama said not to argue with Tiny, didn’t she, Conor?)

8 If you are playing a board game, do not think by getting monopolies on all the properties, you will win. If you do, at best, no one will have money left. At worst, you could be the cause of your unemployed brother-in-law to go off the deep end. (Maybe you should have let him have a few wins, Collin. You need to talk him down off the roof.)

7 If you are playing a board game, do not start bellyaching if you must go to jail. If you do, at best, the other players will make fun of you. At worst, you will cause everyone to decide to do something different. (Not much fun playing the game alone, is it, Cyrus?)

6 If you are playing a board game, do not try to mark the career cards so you can pick the best career. If you do, at best, you might get caught. At worst, even if you cheat, you lose anyway. (How does this happen, Chance? With a name like yours, you could have just played the game.)

6 If you are playing a board game, do not shout out who killed Mr. Boddy of Tudor Mansion until all the clues are exposed. If you do, at best, the game is over. At worst, you will be eating Thanksgiving dinner outside on the porch. (Kind of chilly here in Minnesota at Thanksgiving, huh, Cecil?)

5 If you are playing a board game, do not set that BIG GULP cup too close to the game. If you do, at best, the condensation off the cup may get some money wet. At worst, an excited player will inadvertently tip the cup over. (Guess where all that soda went, Cormac? Yup, that’s right, the tsunami of Coke and ice wiped the game out, and FEMA doesn’t want to hear about it.)

4 If you are playing a board game, do not think you must play until there is a clear winner. If you do at best, it will be hours. At worst, the game could go on for the entire weekend. ( you planned on doing other things, didn’t you, Crispin? Like take a shower.)

3 If you are playing a board game, do not slip from reality. If you do, at best, others will notice. At worst, you will need to decompress once the game is over. (Your psychologist is not available on Sundays, Carlin. You need to lie down.)

2 If you are playing a board game, do not try to confuse your fellow players with some off-the-wall move. If you do, at best, you will be reminded to stick to the rules. At worst, your off-the-wall move will backfire, and you’ll lose all your gold. (Now, what are you going to use for food, huh, Chase? You are beginning to feel the specter of starvation, aren’t you? What was that about reality?)

1 If you are playing a board game, do not think the rest of the players don’t notice your extra helping of $100.00 bills as you do your banking duties. If you do, at best, you’ll be asked to return the bills. At worst, you will be formally banned from the family games and turned over to the justice department for bank fraud. (Okay, so the justice department is not interested, Curt. It is still mighty embarrassing.)

 

 

This list was published on November 6, 2017. Folks still live in apartments, so I think it is relevant.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Apartment

The inspiration for this list came as we spent some hurricane evacuation time in an apartment. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are in an apartment, do not drop your weights like the bozos at the gym. If you do, at best, the manager will visit. At worst, that last set of one hundred pounds ended with the repair bill for your floor and the ceiling below you. (That drop was pretty expensive, huh, Christopher. Luckily, there was no one in the recliner down there.)

9 If you are in an apartment, do not think your wailing guitar is appreciated by everyone at two in the morning. If you do, at best, the police will only warn you. At worst, you’ll get a visit from Tiny, the WWF champ who was just released from the sleep disorder clinic, and this was the first night he actually fell asleep. (Notice how that locked door came off the hinges, Cameron? I’d like you to meet Tiny, the big guy that looks like a freight train, and he’s headed your way.)

8 If you are in an apartment, do not rent the bottom floor unit. If you do, at best, you may get used to the noise above. At worst, you’ll finally crack and go door-pounding in the middle of the night. (Those people have every right to be afraid, Connor. It might have been a good idea to check in the mirror before doing your Shining, “Daddy’s Home” imitation.)

7 If you are in an apartment, do not cook your favorite boiled cabbage recipe except on St. Patrick’s Day. If you do, at best, your neighbors will wish for your death. At worst, the super will call in the exterminator, believing your apartment is the scene of many pests. (Be careful opening that door, Cody. That cloud left by the bug bomb explosion might take you out as well.)

6 If you live in an apartment, do not forget to lock your door. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worst, you’ll come home to a place that looks like you never lived there. (You have to wonder how a thief could take four rooms of furniture with no one noticing, don’t you, Carter?)

5 If you live in an apartment, do not throw a party unless you invite the neighbors on either side as well as above and below. If you do, at best, you might be annoyed by all the floor and ceiling pounding. At worst, you better hope everyone at the party is legal because the SWAT team coming up the stairs will want to check. (You had no idea the Jackson Twins were under twenty-one, did you, Chris. Well, it’s not going to matter that they weren’t known or invited by you and no one else either.)

4 If you live in an apartment, do not think the barbecue grill will be available when you want to use it. If you do, at best, you’ll have to wait your turn. At worst, your choice will come down to eating at midnight or a pan-fried steak. (What is it about that Teflon flavor in a great cut of meat that adds so much to the elegance of the meal, Charlie.)

3 If you live in an apartment, do not think everyone follows the shower before entering the pool rule. If you do, at best, you might be surprised by the ring. At worst, you may be caught unaware of the unofficial rule, which is, “Do not put your head under water.” (Had a bunch of unexplained sore throats lately, huh, Calvin?)

2 If you live in an apartment, do not ignore the trash pickup rules. If you do, at best, you will only have to be taught once. At worst, the pickup service will no longer stop at your door, and trying to put your trash next door will earn you a potential black eye. (That guy sure got mad when he stepped on your paper bag full of garbage, didn’t he, Cory? How is that eye, by the way?)

1 If you live in an apartment, do not pick up and shake other people’s packages that are outside their door. If you do, at best, you’ll never get caught. At worst, you just shook a package as the recipient’s door opened. (The bad part was it was a gift of six Baccarat champagne flutes, which are now dust, Clark. I don’t think saying, “Oh, I think this is yours, my mistake,” is going to cover this one up.)

 

This post ran on October 30, 2017. Since Halloween is almost here, I think it is still good advice.

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The inspiration for this list was seeing a guy out in public in a Halloween costume. It struck me that he was unaware of the stares and reactions of those around him. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Halloween Costume

10 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go into the bank to make a withdrawal. If you do, at best, some will only stare. At worst, the teller will not look at your withdrawal slip but assume you are holding up the bank. (That zombie makeup had her rattled, Donald. Too bad the SWAT team had no sense of humor.)

9 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you have the same powers as the superhero you are dressed to be. If you do, at best, you’ll hurt yourself. At worst, you will think you can take on Tiny, the WWF champ who is in step two of his anger management treatment. (Looks like that cape is not going to save you, Dorian. I would just go limp, and maybe Tiny will think you are dead.)

8 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go shopping at the grocery store. If you do, at best, you will have the aisles to yourself. At worst, the store manager will insist that you leave since most of his employees have locked themselves in the lounge and refused to come out. (It could be that the hatchet embedded in your skull looks too real, Dex.)

7 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the fast food drive-through. If you do, at best, you may be wearing a chocolate milkshake. At worst, the panicked employee will call 911 and drop your food outside the window. (The police are understanding, but you still have no food, Dante.)

6 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you can attend the Saturday night church service. If you do, at best, you’ll have a pew all to yourself. At worst, the minister will continually point in your direction when he comes to the phrase “Devil worship.” ( You didn’t realize Halloween is not a big thing in your church, huh, Dacey?)

5 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not keep your doctor’s appointment. If you do, at best, you will empty the waiting room. At worst, your doctor will assume you have had a massive mental breakdown and will call the county home for a pickup. (The clown  makeup and white straight jacket is quite a look, Dagwood.)

4 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not drive on the freeway. If you do, at best, you’ll get some weird looks. At worst, you will shock the fragile person in the vehicle next to you, and they will turn into your car as a defensive move. (The cop insists it’s your fault for scaring the wimp next to you, Dalbert.)

3 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go next door to borrow a cup of sugar. If you do, at best, you won’t get the sugar. At worst, your NRA member next-door neighbor will not recognize you and will only quit shooting when you dive into your house. (What would have happened if your neighbor was a good shot, Damek?)

2 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best, you’ll get home without incident. At worst, you’ll be pulled over and, after all is said and done, lying on the street with your hands cuffed behind your back. (Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to dress as Pretty Boy Floyd after all. Although you must admit that Tommy Gun sure looked real, Dareau.)

1 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the TSA security screen at the airport. If you do, at best, you will be denied boarding. At worst, the private search that turned up the sword, flintlock pistols, and the grog will be enough to charge you with terrorism. (The pirate idea sounded good at home, Dartagnan. In the airport? Not so much.)

This list was published on September 27, 2017. I think coffee still has its magic, so I hope you enjoy it again or for the first time.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do Before You’ve Had Your Coffee

The inspiration for this list came from the various and sundry things that needed to be done to begin to get back to normal after Hurricane Harvey. I haven’t done any of these, but it was fun pretending, and I would certainly have some coffee before trying.

10 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with a Government representative. If you do, at best, you’ll have to excuse your behavior. At worst, the US marshalls will call in reinforcements to help extricate you from the room. (Who would have thought raising your voice would have caused that reaction, Baltazar?)

9 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not call your cable provider to request service. If you do, at best, you’ll be on hold for an hour. At worst, you’ll get to talk to Tiny, the WWF champ who just got released from his sociopath support group. (The two of you are having an excellent debate. Why does he keep wanting to know where you live, Banjo?)

8 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not take your car in for service. If you do, at best, they will honor your appointment time. At worst, you’ll sit in the lounge for an hour trying to avoid being stepped on by two hyperactive toddlers. (They have already apologized for the fact the coffee machine is out-of-order. You might as well try to relax and, for heaven’s sake, quit thinking about that letter you plan to write to the CEO of the service company, Barnaby.)

7 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the license bureau to renew your driver’s license. If you do, at best, you’ll get a low number for service. At worst, you have pulled number 208, and they are now serving number four. (The drive-through at McDonald’s wait now looks like a breeze compared to this, huh, Beaudoin?)

6 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the bank to ask for a loan. If you do, at best, it is a bank holiday. At worst, you will finally admit that you really need the money and will, therefore, be denied the loan. Too bad your decaf state caused you to forget the rule about “Those who have gets,” Bellamy.)

5 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with your boss to discuss your career. If you do, at best, your boss caught the flu and is out sick today. At worst, your discussion could have taken a nasty turn when your boss suggested you need some additional training. (If you had some caffeine, Benjamin, maybe you would not have pounded on the boss’s desk, causing security to escort you to the parking lot. Tomorrow ought to be interesting.)

4 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to complete that delicate experiment with the new product at work. If you do, at best, you’ll come to your senses. At worst, you are now in a position of being responsible for a complete redo. (You were sure your shaking hands would not be a factor, right, Bennet?)

3 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to write that breakthrough chapter in your book. If you do, at best, you and the keyboard will have a staring contest. At worst, you will forge ahead and write what you think is the best stuff you have ever done. (It’s really tough to file 13 all those words, isn’t it, Bodee?)

2 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not read that last two-star review. If you do, at best, you’ll be diverted by a natural disaster. At worst, even though some of the points may be well taken, you vow out loud to hunt the person down and hit them with a poison dart. (Sure, it’s the lack of caffeine talking, but you are scaring the kids, Braddock.)

1 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to create that meaningful post that you hope everyone will love. If you do, at best, the typos will kill you. At worst, only after you have posted and read what you have written do you see the similarity to the Unabomber manifesto. (Good luck getting that one canceled off all the social media sites, Brayden.)

 

This post ran on September 12, 2017. Since American football is well underway, it still might be helpful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tailgating at an American Football Game

The inspiration for this list is the return of the American football season. The schedule is in full swing, and here are a few things to avoid this year.

10 If you are tailgating, do not set out an overstuffed couch. If you do, at best, folks will think you are so seventies. At worst, someone may get confused and believe they are in Morgantown, West Virginia, and set fire to it. (You thought it would be a statement of elegance, didn’t you, Baltazar?)

9 If you are tailgating, do not think a candelabra belongs in a stadium parking lot. If you do, at best, your fellow tailgaters will take you for an effete intellectual snob. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ mourning Liberace’s passing, will believe you want him to join your party. (A sad, drunk Tiny is not a pretty picture, is it, Barnaby?)

8 If you are tailgating, do not set up a beer pong table. If you do, at best, you might attract the wrong crowd. At worst, that young person who has been playing so well is carded by the police. (Nice to know you are now charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, huh, Barrington?)

7 If you are tailgating, do not think yours will be the best grill in the lot. If you do, at best, the one next door is better. At worst, your grill does not even rank in the top one hundred. (CNN wants to interview you for a feature named “The Biggest Grill Losers.” Time to pack up, Beauregard)

6 If you are tailgating, do not think your propane tank is full without checking. If you do, at best, you give new meaning to medium rare. At worst, no one in the lot will be willing to loan you their propane tank. (Everyone you ask gives you that “Get away from me look right, Bennet?)

5 If you are tailgating, do not forget your portable satellite antenna. If you do, at best, you’ll have to attend the game. At worst, you may get caught trying to tap into the antenna cable next door. (You thought it would be a quick splice and done. How’s that black eye feeling, Bixby?)

4 If you are tailgating, do not run out of your favorite beverage. If you do, at best, you’ll have water. At worst, trying to borrow a cup of beer from your neighbors will be met with scorn. (Who knew everyone would turn their back on you, Bronson?)

3 If you are tailgating, do not forget to wear your team colors. If you do, at best, everyone will assume you are a guest. At worst, those around you who are in favor of one team will think you are in favor of the other. (No use trying to explain that you love their team, Byron.)

2 If you are tailgating, do not serve petits-fours to your guests. At best, they will claim to be full. At worst, you see them at another tailgate gorging themselves on chili and Polish sausage. (You have to remember where you are, Baldwin.)

1 If you are tailgating, do not over-serve yourself. If you do, at best you can über home. At worst, you’ll have to ask your partner to drive home. (How many lectures will it take so you never do that again, Barnabas?)

 

 

This post ran on August 14, 2017. If you are moving, it may make sense. Hopefully, it will give a chuckle.

* * *

The inspiration for this piece was the arrival of a new couch and the accompanying rearranging of furniture. Since moving households is something almost everyone faces, I thought it would be fun to recap some things we should avoid doing should a move be necessary. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If you are moving, do not attempt it alone. If you do, at best, it may take longer than expected. At worst, you could get caught under that heavy dresser and be missing for weeks. (Gotta hope the new tenants will figure out where those screams are coming from, hey, Buster?)

9 If you are moving, do not forget to tip the movers. If you do, at best, that last carton will stay on the truck. At worst, the big guy named Tiny, the WWF champ, will be asking questions about the quality of service. (You hope he puts you down gently, right, Buford?)

8 If you are moving, do not think the movers will understand your attachment to grandma’s hand-me-down table. If you do, at best, that scratch can be covered up. At worst, you can start your first fire with what is left. (Seems like you should have mentioned how fragile it was, Boswell)

7 If you are moving, do not pack the boxes yourself. If you do, at best, there will be a few items broken. At worst, that tinkling noise when you pick up the box marked “crystal” will not be a welcome sound. (Looks like the savings on the cost of packing has gone into the red, Boris.)

6 If you are moving, do not mark the boxes with your own code. If you do, at best, you’ll remember most of the code. At worst, in the rush of the move, you will forget what you meant and take a guess as to where things should go. (Nice to have all your pots and pans in the garage, isn’t it, Bosco?)

5 If you are moving, do not leave the old house without checking to see that everything is out. If you do, at best, you’ll leave behind things that don’t matter. At worst, you’ll wonder what happened to the washer and dryer in transit. (Of course, the movers thought they stayed with the house, Basil.)

4 If you are moving, do not forget to change the water, gas, and electric bills. If you do, at best, it might take you a day or two to remember. At worst, you receive a bill that is ten times your usual usage. (The new people decided they like the air conditioning set at 70 degrees and the lawn watered daily. Guess you should have paid attention, Bentley.)

3 If you are moving, do not think your new neighbors need to give you cookies. If you do, at best, you might be disappointed. At worst, as you mention the oversight, you learn your previous residents were running a crack house. (Looks like it might be a couple of years before anyone trusts you, Bubba.)

2 If you are moving, do not think the movers will place everything as you have it labeled. If you do, at best, you may find some things in unusual places. At worst, you realize after they are gone that your master bedroom furniture is on the patio. (And guess what furniture is in the master bedroom, Burt?)

1 If you are moving, do not think you can challenge your partner on the layout of each room. If you do, at best, you are in for a long day. At worst, combined with the stress of moving, your input might be enough to win you an overnight accommodation in the backyard. ( You could have said something when the plans were drawn up, huh, Butch?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Holding Up a Bank

10 If you are holding up a bank, do not hand the teller a note written on the back of one of your checkbook deposit slips; if you do, at best, you need to get the slip back. At worst, the police all-points bulletin will include your name, address, phone number, and the current balance of your account. (Interesting situation having a sheriff’s car waiting in your driveway huh, Buford?)

9 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to convince the teller your banana is a gun. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the bank. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ who has just graduated from security school and desperately wants to try his new taser, is on duty. (Looks like you will be lying on the floor twitching for a while, Tex.)

8 If you are holding up a bank, do not use foul language as part of the process. If you do, at best, one of the customers is your fifth-grade English teacher. At worst, the security camera footage will go viral on YouTube, and your mother will wonder where you learned that kind of language. (It’s hard to explain it was just an act, right, Bosco?)

7 If you are holding up a bank, do not try the caper during non-business hours. If you do, at best, no one will notice you in a ski mask and gloves trying to get in. At worst, if you do get in, all the money will be in a vault, and the alarm system has called the police. (You wonder what those guys mean by, “Come out with your hands up,” Roscoe?)

6 If you are holding up a bank, do not use someone who has been drinking as a getaway driver. If you do, at best, you have to wake them up to get away. At worst, they may plow into the police car on the corner. (The fun part was the cop had no idea a bank robbery was in progress, Buster.)

5 If you are holding up a bank and are successful, do not brag about it on Facebook. If you do, at best, you have so few friends no one will notice. At worst, your post will be forwarded to the police, and you’ll be pinched. (At least the officer gave you a “like,” huh, Putz?)

4 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to push through a door marked “pull.” If you do, at best, you’ll figure it out after a few tries. At worst, you keep bashing the door until the police arrive. (I guess you can blame nerves for your actions, Bunky.)

3 If you are holding up a bank, do not shoot your gun into the ceiling. If you do, at best, you will make a clean getaway. At worst, you will be charged with destruction of property in addition to armed robbery. (Too bad you were caught, Pard.)

2 If you are holding up a bank, do not go through a drive-through for lunch while escaping. If you do, at best, your order will be filled immediately. At worst, you will be asked to pull over while your sandwich is being prepared “especially for you.” It seems the policeman behind you in line had the same sandwich and your license number. ( Those red and blue lights mean something, Ferd.)

1 If you are holding up a bank, do not accept a bag of money that contains a dye pack. If you do, At best, it won’t go off until you get home. At worst, the dye pack will go off as you are walking down the street, subsequently trailing red smoke. (Pretty hard to try to explain the smoke as a lunch that didn’t agree with you, huh, Ralph?)

Today’s post was first published on August 7th, 2017. I think it is still current. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list was inspired by going out into public over the weekend. I am always amazed at some of the things people say once they find out you write full-time.

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Writer

10 If you meet a writer, do not tell them you have a book you have meant to write. If you do, at best, they will walk away. At worst, they will ask how come you haven’t written it yet? (That is a pretty uncomfortable silence, isn’t it, Bunky?)

9 If you meet a writer, do not ask about their royalties. If you do, at best, they will offer to buy you a drink. At worst, they will ask you to pick up the bar tab. (That was the saddest poor-mouth story you ever heard, huh Ralph?)

8 If you meet a writer, do not ask about a movie deal. If you do, at best, you’ll have to listen to the impossibilities of getting a film deal. At worst, you’ll have to supply the tissues and offer large, soothing hugs. (It’s almost like this guy is never going to stop sobbing, right, Tex?)

7 If you meet a writer named Tiny the WWF champ, do not tell him you have not read his book. If you do, at best, his disappointment will cause you to cry. At worst, he will hold you on his lap and read it to you. ( It is hard to get away, isn’t it, Buford?)

6 If you meet a writer, do not tell them how you would have ended the book. If you do, at best, the look you get should be photographed and filed under incredulity in Wikipedia. At worst, the writer might just leave the gathering and work out previous rejection traumas by consuming a gallon of ice cream. (No, you are not invited to join the ice cream social, Putz.)

5 If you meet a writer, do not ask what they do for “real work.” If you do, at best, they will humor you with lawn-cutting stories. At worst, they will give you the impression that they eliminate ignorant people for money. ( You have to admit if this guy writes as well as he frightens, he’s good, huh, Bosco?)

4 If you meet a writer, do not ask them to review your manuscript. If you do, at best, they will try to change the subject. At worst, they will say yes and try, as they may never find the time to read it. (You should join a critique group Buster, and quit bothering people you just met.)

3 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what brand of whiskey they drink. If you do, at best, they will think you are joking. At worst, the writer will grasp the stereotype and provide you with an obscure brand name that costs $100 a bottle. (A pretty expensive way to get inspired, hey, Pal?)

2 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what they do in their spare time. If you do, at best, you’ll get a vague answer along the lines of washing the dog. At worst, you’ll have to stand and listen to what sounds like a description of a person with Attention Deficit Disorder describing a typical work month. (The big question now is how do you make a getaway right, Prince?)

1 If you meet a writer, do not mention that you haven’t written a review of their book on Amazon. If you do, at best, the smile you get is fake. At worst, you’ll have to hear a long story about how a writer knows if they are appealing to their readers. (Might have been better to lie, Buddy.)