Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Ten Things Not to do Shopping for the Holidays and a Reminder His Revenge is on Sale

~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

The reminder first.

His Revenge front final

As a reminder beginning at 12:00 am PST (6:00 am GMT) on November 30th (Today) until 12:00 pm PST (6:00 pm GMT) on December 1st His Revenge will be on sale for $0.99 in the US and £0.99 in the UK. This event is a thirty-six-hour sale for the US and UK markets and is in support of CYBER Monday. If you want to read His Revenge, for a limited time it is available for less than what you would pay for a hot dog at the gas station. (And better for you)

Funny-cartoon-Christmas-shopping

 

Ten Things Not to do While Shopping for the Holidays

The inspiration for this list is some years of watching the same kinds of mistakes made during this festive time.

10 While shopping for the holidays do not think other shoppers are out to get you. If you do, at best you will resemble someone who needs hospitalization. At worst, you may take retaliatory action on  the city kickboxing champ who accidentally ran into you.. (Notice how he doesn’t use his hands to kick your butt.)

9 While shopping for the holidays, do not have a few drinks to ease the pain. If you do, at best you may give into a temptation and overspend. At worst, you will have the best time you’ll never recall except for the car full of stuff you still don’t know how it got there. (That ringing phone is the credit card company wanting to know if your card has been stolen.)

8 While shopping for the holidays, don’t go out without a list. If you do, at best you will forget some gifts. At worst, you will spend more than you thought and yet have a nagging feeling you forgot an important gift. (How did that office gift exchange go since you were empty-handed?)

7 While shopping for the holidays, do not leave the house without a travel plan. If you do, at best you will cover the stores in a pattern looking like the infinity symbol. At worst, you will need to use your GPS to finally figure out where you are and to locate the stores you have already passed. (You say you passed the gift shop twice but can’t figure out how to get back there?)

6 While shopping for the holidays, do not take the small children with you. If you do, at best you all will be frustrated doing exactly the opposite of what you want to do. At worst, you will start to deviate from your shopping plan and end up at the McDonald’s Playground trying to figure out what to tell everyone who will not get a gift this year. (That Big Mac and supersized order of fries are starting to look pretty good by now.)

5 While shopping for the holidays, do not think you are saving money by buying things on sale that you know are not perfect gifts. If you do, at best you can give gift receipts so the gift can be returned. At worst, you will get the perfect gift from the person you gave a less than a perfect present. (That is Murphy’s Law of scrimping on a gift for someone. It goes like this. The expense of the gift you receive is indirectly proportional to the cheapness of the gift you give. In other words the less you spend, the more someone else spends on you.)

4 While shopping for the holidays, do not think a gift card takes the place of an actual present. If you do, at best you will get your shopping done fast and early. At worst, you could spend more on the gift card than you would on a thoughtful gift. (The problem is the recipient knows the amount. Darn it)

3 While shopping for the holidays do not take gift suggestions from ads on tv. If you do, at best your present could represent an uninspired choice. At worst, the gift you give could be totally inappropriate. (Yeah, that Victoria Secret or Home Depot item should have stayed in the store.)

2 While shopping for the holidays do not wait until the last-minute to decide what gifts to buy. If you do, at best you will be running around not knowing what you had in mind. At worst, you will be faced with some difficult decisions given everything you wanted to buy is not available. (The net result is much more expensive than you had originally planned)

1 While shopping for the holidays do not avoid taking water and eating before the trips. If you do, at best you will be without energy and parched. At worst, you will finally be forced to take a break and will have to spend what could be an enormous amount for something to eat and drink. (Sure you could wait an hour for a fast food chicken sandwich but time is money right?)

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Are a New First-Time Parent

~ John W. Howell ~ 28 Comments

 

new parent

 

This list was inspired by watching new parents having some challenges with raising their kids. Sometimes the stress was self-induced, and some good counseling could have avoided the scene.

Top Ten Things Not to do If you are a New First Time Parent

10 If you are a new first-time parent, do not think your child needs to be the first in your circle to do everything. If you do, at best, you will be headed for some disappointment. At worst, you will spend needless cash on child and adult psychologists seeking explanations to unnecessary problems. (Have you ever met an adult who wasn’t potty trained?)

9 If you are a new first-time parent, do not dress your child as an adult. If you do, at best your friends will think you missed something in your childhood. At worst, your child will notice they are a little out-of-place with the other kids leading to other self-image issues. (First hint is when your five-year-old asks for a Porsche for Christmas)

8 If you are a new first-time parent, do not take your toddler to an elegant restaurant for a late night dinner. If you do, at best your child will be miserable being up too late in an unfamiliar environment.At worst the rest of the restaurant patrons will draw straws to see who calls Child Protective Services. (You are used to the crying right?)

7 If you are a new first-time parent, do not stress over pre-school choices. If you do, at best you will need medication to get through the process. At worst, you will become so obsessed with the so-called right school that you will never be satisfied if you are not successful in getting your child enrolled. (Isn’t pre-school supposed to be enjoyable?)

6 If you are a new first-time parent, do not worry about the color of the nursery. If you do, at best your child will not notice the color for a few months. At worst, your worry will be another point of stress that a newborn will recognize. (So you have a boy in pink and a girl in blue. Only your in-laws will care.)

5 If you are a new first-time parent, do not buy quantities of clothes and accessories thinking you are saving money. If you do, at best your child will outgrow the stuff in a month or two, and you will be able to return the excess. At worst, you lost your receipt and find yourself cutting off the feet of onesies so you won’t have to throw them away. (That Costco run really didn’t pay did it?)

4 If you are a new first-time parent, do not read a bunch of child care books. If you do, at best, you will end up totally confused as to what to do. At worst, you will have opinions that are contradictory, and you will need to toss a coin to come to a decision. (Trust a coin on a fever cause and treatment? I don’t think so)

3 If you are a new first-time parent, do not believe you have to record every minute of the child’s life. If you do, at best you will watch you child grow up through the camera viewfinder. At worst, you child will think life is only real if it is captured on film. (Maybe put the camera down and pick up the kid.)

2 If you are a new first-time parent, do not buy toys that are not age-appropriate. If you do, at best your child will not play with them. At worst, you’ll enjoy playing with the toys and will be accused of purchasing the toys on purpose. (Tsk, tsk, tsk)

1 If you are a new first-time parent, do not think you will have to survive on little sleep the rest of your life. If you do, at best you will think you need to run away. At worst, you will want to take the child to the pediatric return desk. (Don’t worry the lack of sleep thing only lasts a couple of years – uh maybe eighteen)

Ten Things Not to Expect from Others

~ John W. Howell ~ 32 Comments

Expectations

 

This list is inspired by a study of the results of expecting others to react in a certain way and being totally fooled. As a reminder, this list is intended for humor only and is not the output of a detailed study on the subject. Universities and corporations should be cautious about asking me to take up residence based on a misconceived opinion that I have some unique qualifications in predicting human behavior. (Hello Harvard. I’m talking to you.)

Top Ten Thing Not to Expect From Others

10 If you are pulled over by a police officer, do not expect to be excused for the reason you were pulled over. At best, your friendly attitude might be interpreted as something to hide. At worst, your question of “How do we make this go away?” might be construed as a bribe offer. (You sure look funny on the hood of that patrol car especially with your arms handcuffed behind your back)

9 If you answer the grocery clerks, question, “did you find everything today?” with an honest answer about missing items don’t expect a positive response. If you do, at best you won’t like what you hear. At worst, the fact that the clerk shrugs and says “whatever,” causes you to completely lose your cool and are forcibly removed from the store. (Yes, you were right in wondering why they ask if nothing is to be done but sitting in this mud puddle is the last thing you expected to happen.)

8 If you call an appliance repair person, do not expect the machine to be repaired on the initial visit. If you do, at best you will need to rearrange your schedule for another visit. At worst, you will make a fool out of yourself asking the repair person questions for which they have no answer. (You need to know the first visit is diagnostic. The second is repair, and the third is repair of the repair)

7 If you go to an electronics store, do not think there is someone there who can help. If you do, at best you will need to go home and Google your problem more carefully. At worst, you will buy the splitter or whatnot that is supposed to fix the problem only to find you now need a new transformer. (You see most of the employees have a life and can’t be bothered reading about the technology.)

6 If you place a call to customer care, do not believe anyone you talk to is going to disprove the fact that “customer care” is an oxymoron. If you do, at best you are in for a bumpy ride indeed. At worst, you will finally escalate the call to someone of higher rank who will tell you to quit bothering them. (Your feelings got hurt didn’t they? Bunkie)

5 If you spend extra money on a warranty do not expect your problem to be covered. If you do, at best the realization that you wasted your money will set in quickly. At worst, you and the warranty company will get into a battle if wills that could end up in court. (Guess who has more money for lawyers?)

4 If you ask your server which entrée they recommend, do not think the recommendation is about the best dish, If you do, at best you will over expect what will be under delivered. At worst, you will realize you have been had by the server who is in cahoots with the owner to move a dish that even the help wouldn’t eat for dinner, and it was free to them. (Don’t send it back. Right now it is 99% spit-free. It may not come back that way.)

3 If you have a friend in the car business do not expect a good deal on the car you are about to buy. If you do, at best you will probably pay 20% more than the friend’s enemies pay. At worst, your friend will take his commission and buy a car that is bigger and nicer than yours without even a thank you. (You will continue to wonder how he could afford such a car and at some quiet moment it will hit you.)

2 If you arrange for a contractor to do some work, do not expect the final bill to be at or under the bid price. If you do, at best the surprise factor of the overrun will cause you a visit to the ER. At worst, you realize you won’t have the money for the additional costs, and your contractor resembles Marlon Brando in the Godfather when he explains how “we have a problem.” (You should have checked with the Better Business Bureau before taking the lowball bid. Now it looks like you are going on a long ride in a big black car.)

1 If you hire a party planner, do not expect the party to be anything like your original thought. If you do, at best you won’t be able to relax and enjoy yourself. At worst, the theme that you rejected twelve times will be the one for the evening. Although you are trying to keep an open mind, you still are having trouble warming to the zombie apocalypse décor. (Is that the waiter’s arm laying on the floor?)

Top Ten Things Not to do During a Storm

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

storm

Stock photo. Not a picture of the three-day storm

The inspiration for this list is a recent three-day storm here in Texas. Although I had enough sense not to do these things, they did come to mind as I was going through the various circumstances.

Top Ten Things Not to do During a Storm

10 If you are in a storm, do not decide to drive around to check out the damage. If you do, at best you may find yourself stranded by high water. At worst, you might be trying to explain to the nasty looking guardsman why you didn’t heed the warnings to stay inside. (You have to wonder if that rifle has real bullets)

9 If you are in a storm, do not call the electric company to report a power outage. If you do, at best you will be on hold for hours. At worst, you will be reminded that the entire grid is down and asked the embarrassing questions designed to point out the dark all around you. (Never thought to look out the window huh?

8 If you are in a storm, do not rush your grocery store for a month’s worth of food and water. If you do, at best you will be in the company of your hysterical neighbors. At worst, you will find yourself in a primal fight over a roll of toilet tissue with Shultz, who is the county cow tossing champion. (And you almost wrestled it away before you blacked out)

7 If you are in a storm, do not ignore the weather warnings. If you do, at best you might be surprised at how fast things come at you. At worst, you might be challenged to swim for safety with only a duckie ring as a flotation device. (And you read on the duckie that it is not to be used as a flotation device. What’s that hissing sound?)

6 If you are in a storm, do not try to move through the darkened house without a flashlight. If you do, at best your shins will take a beating on the furniture you fall over. At worst, that candle you lit will somehow fall into the pile of newspapers you left in the living room last night. (And guess how long it will take the fire department to reach you?)

5 If you are in a storm, do not keep driving in the heavy rain. If you do, at best you will stress out to the maximum. At worst, your car might be invisible to that giant 18 wheeler behind you with the devil himself at the wheel. (It must be the devil given the recklessness of the driving)

4 If you are in a storm, do not think all your emergency gear takes the place of common sense. If you do, at best the gear may not fully perform. At worst, you will think you will be able to ride out the storm only to change your mind two minutes after it is too late. (That wall of water is called a Tsunami)

3 If you are in a storm, do not think you need to go outside to fix something in the middle of wind and downpour. If you do, at best you will get very wet. At worst, you could find yourself being carried away along with some your neighbor’s roof shingles. (You might be able to turn around in a mile or so.)

2 If you are in a storm, do not think a quick dash to the mailbox doesn’t require wet weather outer gear. If you do, at best you will need a bath and hot cocoa to thaw out. At worst, the chill you received on the jaunt turns into something that keeps you in bed for a week. (And what you are doing cannot be remotely described as enjoying yourself.)

1 If you are in a storm, do not think you have to brave the elements to get to work. If you do, at best you will show up, and no one else will be there. At worst, you will have battled the storm for hours and once you get there all questions about your judgment skills will be answered. (And you thought you were indispensable)

~ John W. Howell ~ 31 Comments

trash

This list is inspired by going through some boxes recently and coming across some unusual things. Of course, most of what follows is made up, and so I didn’t have these experiences. I would ask the Wall Street Journal to fact check completely before using this story.
Top Ten Things Not to do with Stuff You Find
10. If you find an unopened box don’t open it. If you do, at best you might find someone’s old toss outs or laundry. At worst, you may find the remains of last year’s Thanksgiving dinner that was to be thrown out. (You still can’t get the image out of your brain)
9 If you find a lawnmower at the side of the road, do not pick it up. If you do, at best you will find out why it was thrown away, At worst, you will put it in a garage sale only to have the original owner accuse you of theft. (How he knew it was his is anyone’s guess)
8 If you find a lamp that has washed up on the beach do not rub it. If you do, at best it will turn out to be made in China. At worst, you will be given three wishes by a fierce looking genie, and you won’t get it right. (You thought you would be clever when you asked for a million bucks and now have a deer-feed bill that won’t quit)
7 If you find what you think is a treasure chest in your backyard, leave it where it is. If you don’t, at best you will find it full of smelly dirt. At worst, it will have things inside carrying a Blackbeard curse. (Go ahead and try to spend those doubloons before your hand falls off)
6 If you find what looks like a bomb in your garage, run away. If you don’t, at best it is only a hand made school project. At worst, old man Jones finally made good on his threat to” blow you to kingdom come.” (Suddenly you remember he used to work for a demolition company)
5 If you find a set of golf clubs at a garage sale, don’t buy ’em. If you do, at best you will find they weren’t worth what you paid for them even if it was only a dollar. At worst, once you take up the game, you will find out why they were for sale in the first place. (How’s that high blood pressure medicine working for you?)
4 If you find a washer on the curb of your neighborhood leave it there.If you don’t, at best you will only be successful in relocating it to your curb. At worst, you will spend the time and trouble to hook it up only to maybe find the spin, and empty cycle don’t work.( Soaking wet clothes weigh a ton. Right?)
3 If you find a strange object with colored lights in the woods behind your house, call the police. If you don’t, at best it is only your neighbor testing the outdoor Christmas tree lights. At worst, you will be asked to join the expedition to a funny place where they will run experiments on you and then send you back. (You say no one believes your story? Really?)
2 If you find a note on the kitchen table, pretend not to see it. If you don’t, at best it is an old shopping list. At worst, it a goodbye note with the name of a lawyer at the bottom who is now your only contact.(And you thought being nice was something you didn’t have to do).
1 If you find a large, five-toed animal footprint in the yard, call animal control. If you don’t, at best it is nothing but the neighbors new dog. At worst, it is the long lost Yeti-like drooling, smelly, hairy thing that is now taking up residence in your shed and suddenly has a thing for you. (Just smile and maybe it will go away).

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Decide to Self-Publish Your Book

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

writer

 

The inspiration for this list is my latest efforts to self-publish the next John J. Cannon story titled His Revenge. Since I had absolutely no experience in publishing the journey was a long winding road marked by plenty of mistakes. I’m sure the trial and error method of my learning is not over yet, but here is some of what I learned. Don’t forget I’m a fiction writer, so some of these lessons have been enhanced with dubious facts to make them more interesting and hopefully humorous. I would, therefore, resist publishing this list on the Huffington Post. (hear that Arianna?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Decide to Self-Publish Your Book

10 If you decide to self-Publish your book, do not drink any alcoholic beverages for four weeks before and two weeks after you hit the publish button. If you do, at best those little things you forgot are not necessary. At worst, you find out after six weeks you submitted the wrong cover with the manuscript. (You know the one. It has “fiction” spelled “fuction”).

9 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not try to edit the manuscript yourself. If you do, at best you will have a fool for an editor. At worst, your book will be featured on a blog with the lovely title of  “The Poorest Written Books of the Year.” (You are so lucky to have the top position)

8 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t need to know how to format the interior. If you do, at best your readers will be treated to several blank lines. At worst, your book will resemble something created by a room full of monkeys on keyboards. (Yeah, it can be done but that one page with only the word “then” on it took the cake)

7 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think that cute Crayola picture done by your youngest on the cover is relevant to the book. If you do, at best you will miss some sales due to the confusion. At worst, you will get some letters from outraged parents who thought the story of a mass murderer was a kids story. (Ah well, you can always refund the money)

6 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t have to follow the instructions on the publishing site. If you do, at best you will finally give in and start over following directions after wasting many hours. At worst, you will be locked out of the site for one hundred years. (Most places have no sense of humor when it comes to messing with their process).

5 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think the various choices offered by the site are not significant enough to understand the differences. If you do, at best you may end up with a book that does not make you happy. At worst, your book is so expensive to produce you have no royalty or room to promote. (You are independently wealthy Right?).

4 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t need to order a proof copy. If you do, at best you will miss some of those little messy typos and double periods. At worst, you totally missed the fact that you mislabeled the chapter headings and now have two of each. (The reviewers will have so much fun pointing out the mirror effect).

3 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not rush the process. If you do, at best there will be something overlooked but no one will notice. At worst, you forgot to include the dedication that you already read aloud to the recipient. (Hard to convince the person you were sincere after this omission).

2 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you can skip the marketing. If you do, at best your family and friends will carry you for a couple of sales. At worst, you will be one of several hundred thousand books published at the same time and will be entirely lost in the numbers. (You did expect to sell your beautiful book right?)

1 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not lay awake at night worrying about possible mistakes instead of planning every detail. If you do, at best you will feel out of control. At worst, you will have a lot to worry about since without planning mistakes will happen. (Even with planning there could be some, Nobody’s perfect).

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Watching Football on TV

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

watching football

 

The inspiration for this list came on Saturday and Sunday while I had invested some quality time in College and Steeler football. Of course, I had some things to do and tried doing them while watching the games.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Watching Football on TV

10 If you are watching football, do not work on your taxes. If you do, at best you might have to redo the numbers every time an announcer mentions a score on TV. At worst, you could have a problem next April when your refund amount reads first and ten. (sure you can explain that to the investigator)

9 If you are watching football, do not try to carry on a conversation with anyone. If you do, at best you will not fool anyone when you answer the wrong question with the wrong answer. At worst, you could be vulnerable to saying yes to one of those tricky issues relating to vacation destinations or style of furniture. (Hope you enjoy the 24-hour hot yoga class while on vaycay)

8 If you are watching football, do not try to write a post for Monday. If you do, at best you may miss a mistook or two. At worst, the logic and care you put into your writing may be lost as you get muddled in your thought process and try desperately to make a comeback but find yourself fighting out of an awkward place and running eighty yards for a touchdown. (Sure you can watch and write at the same time)

7 If you are watching football, do not try to figure out how to install that iPhone app. If you do, at best you’ll never get your Apple password correct. At worst, you will fail to notice the $99.00 cost of the “Write like Steven King” app you just installed. (You can bet it works too)

6 If you are watching football, do not try to help the kids with their homework. If you do, at best you will demonstrate why they should never ask again. At worst, your help being the impetus for the remedial intervention program in which they become enrolled at the school. (Well you did try hard didn’t you?)

5 If you are watching football, do not try to cook an elaborate meal. If you do, at best the ingredients your forgot won’t be missed. At worst, you will have made a concoction that the government will want to use to undermine the morale of enemy troops. (You thought it was going to be perfect. Right?)

4 If you are watching football, do not try to talk on the phone to your boss. If you do, at best your lack of attention will not be held against you. At worst, your boss will think you are having some cognative problem and will assume you are drinking. (Too bad your boss has been to rehab cause now you are going)

3 If you are watching football, do not answer the door and have visitors drop in. If you do, at best you will ignore them. At worst, you will offend the folks who stopped by not paying attention to them, and they happen to be the people in charge of the pre-school home visit staff. (This was the premier pre-school in your state)

2 If you are watching football, do not assume everyone in your household shares your passion. If you do, at best you will wonder why you are watching the game alone. At worst, you might even find you are home alone, and there is no note telling you where everyone has gone. (Hard to believe not everyone wants to watch twelve hours of Football on a weekend hey Bucky)

1 If you are watching football, do not commit to watching the kids as well. If you do, at best they will not wander out of the house. At worst, you will be investigated by CPS for keeping the kids tied to the couch for a full four quarters. (You might have gotten away with just a half)

Top Ten Thing Not to Order On-Line

~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

onlineshopping

This list is inspired by having some unpleasant experiences with items purchased without having the luxury of trying them out first. Although extreme this list is representative of some of the potential disappointments a buyer can experience in shopping on-line.

Top Ten Things Not to Buy On-Line

10 If you are shopping on-line, do not buy that cosmetic kit that promises an instant youthful appearance. If you do, at best you’ll learn that what seems too good to be true is too good. At worst, you will need an intervention by an expensive dermatologist just to remove the facial mask. (And don’t you look good with a Jim Carrey green mask?)

9 If you are shopping on-line, do not buy that cheap juicer that claims to be as good as the $700.00 version. If you do, at best you will still able to use a spoon to eat the pulp that is all you can produce. At worst, the overload on your electrical system as the juicer tries to extract carrot juice will kill your lights and the entire East Coast grid. (And you thought your last electric bill was high)

8 If you are shopping on-line, do not buy that used car advertised to run like new. If you do, at best you might get at least fifty miles before your first breakdown. At worst, the claim of running like new had small print where they were referring to a new Yugo. (Yes, that smoke you smell is coming from the engine compartment)

7 If you are shopping on-line, do not buy that bargain priced pacemaker. If you do, at best you may wonder why you are getting the Chicago Bears radio broadcast in your chest. At worst, you may figure out the thing does not keep pace according to the Western ecology. (Yes, it is noon, and you are sound asleep)

6 If you are shopping on-line, do not buy the do it yourself appendix removal kit. If you do, at best you will have a fool for a patient. At worst, it will be difficult to perform the work and read the instructions. (Yeah, the picture of the appendix looks fuzzy to me too.)

5 If you are shopping on-line, do not buy those pharmaceuticals that are half priced. If you do, at best you won’t be ingesting pharmaceutical grade cement. At worst, you will have to deal with why your symptoms won’t go away. (Cornstarch is a miracle product but not for the treatment of illness)

4 If you are shopping on-line, do not buy that half priced airplane engine part. If you do, at best you’ll have plenty of warning before it fails, and it is not critical. At worst, you will learn maybe too late Murphy’s law of airplane parts which states, “The criticality of a plane engine component is directly proportional to its original cost.” (So the half price was attractive up to the point where the ground and you meet un-expectantly)

3 If you are shopping on-line, do not buy that hotel room at 70% off. If you do, at best you will only suffer from no view other than the brick wall outside your window. At worst, you will return from your cheap trip only to discover you have brought home some rare and highly reproductive things that move fast when the lights go on. (That is an interesting rash you have there)

2 If you are shopping on-line, do not buy that robot kit that is priced way below what you have seen elsewhere. If you do, at best you may be able to assemble it even though there are several parts missing. At worst, once your new robot is ready you realize it now has control over your house and a Napoleonic complex. (Sure is fun saluting a robot isn’t it?)

1 If you are shopping on-line, do not buy that sale priced action Xbox games. If you do, at best you’ll find out on level three that your cheats no longer work, and you get killed every time. At worst, in the course of playing the game you suddenly realize that it is for real and now you are running for your life. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Hey, look out, that guy has an ax.)

Ten Things to Pass Up Even if on Discount

~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

 

for sale

This list is inspired by watching some of the funny things people buy solely because they are being offered at a discounted price. I’ve taken the list to extremes (which I’m sure you have come to understand to by now) but the spirit still lives.

Top Ten Things to Pass Up Even if on Discount

10 Even on discount do not purchase cut-rate bungee jumping lessons. If you do, at best you will only be scared poopless. At worst, your family will be wondering what you were thinking as they hold a memorial for your three-foot tall body. (Not to mention that you are six feet wide as well)

9 Even on discount do not purchase cut-rate meat. If you do, at best you will only miss a couple of days work. At worst, you will be one of morbidity statistics as the USDA issues a countrywide recall of the E-coli tainted horse meat. (It tasted good going in right?)

8 Even at a discount do not buy a truckload of cut-rate toilet tissue. If you do, at best you will spend more on storage than the original price. At worst, you will be selected for the Dr. Phil TV show segment “Am I full of it since I can’t stop myself from feeling like I need more toilet tissue.” (You’ve noticed how thin the paper is and have taken appropriate action right?)

7 Even at a discount do not buy that cut-rate hair restorative product. If you do, at best you will need to explain your new Day-Glo orange color to the boss. At worst, you will be going through the day answering to the name Uncle Fester and fielding the cue ball and reflecting head jokes. ( You always thought Yul Brenner was cool looking right?)

6 Even at a discount do not buy that cut-rate wrinkle injection. If you do, at best you might resemble Donald Duck for a few months. At worst, you read about your doctor being accused by the FDA of using industrial silicone for some procedures, and now you know why you haven’t been able to feel your cheeks. (You do look good, though.)

5 Even at a discount do not buy that cut-rate parachute for skydiving. If you do, at best you could experience the thrill of trying to slow down with a tattered canopy. At worst, you will make a lasting impression in the field as you land without the benefit of an active drag creating device. (Looking as if you did it on purpose doesn’t help the bystanders forget.)

4 Even at a discount do not buy that cut-rate beer. If you do, at best you will have all the taste and satisfaction of drinking carbonated defrost. At worst, you will realize your mistake as you read the label and see that the product is 99% salmonella free. (You only saw that after six bottles right?)

3 Even at a discount do not buy cut-rate gold. If you do, at best you won’t notice until the day your neck and finger turn green. At worst, you will realize that you have paid the highest amount of money for least amount of gold, and you thought a pound would be a good buy. (you now have an attractive doorstop. Don’t get it wet.)

2 Even at a discount do not buy cut-rate fruit. If you do, at best you will have enough left after you cull the spoiled to make one salad. At worst, the USDA you may call to ask you to donate your generations of fruit flies to genetic research. (And you thought those spots in front of your eyes were as a result of too little sleep.)

1 Even at a discount do not buy a cut-rate used car. If you do, at best you will understand the phrase “Get  a horse.”At worst, you might be called by your homeowner association to move what they interpret as a mobile home for stray animals out of your driveway. (Seemed like a good idea at the time to leave the windows down to circulate fresh air since the thing wouldn’t run right?)

Top Ten Things Not to do When the Stock Market Goes Nuts

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments
'Stocks rise on news that there's no other place to put your money - after interest rates hit rock bottom.'
‘Stocks rise on news that there’s no other place to put your money – after interest rates hit rock bottom.’

 

The inspiration for this list is last week’s volatility in the price of stocks. Although I was tempted to do almost all of them I refrained and kept myself under control. Hopefully, I will keep the list handy for the next time since I have a feeling there will be many more thrill rides this year.

Top Ten Things Not to do When the Stock Market Goes Nuts.

10 When the stock market takes a dive, do not go near an open window. If you do, at best you will think about jumping out. At worst, you will take a jump and then realize the window is on the ground floor. (Pretty embarrassing dropping thirty-six inches)

9 When the stock market takes a dive, do not call your broker. If you do, at best they will talk you into calming down. At worst, you will be calm as you lose 20% of your 401K. (Now don’t you feel better for the call?)

8 When the stock market takes a dive, do not panic. If you do, at best you will embarrass yourself in front of co-workers and family. At worst, you will need to seek a specialist on hair replacement when the panic is over. (That bare spot on the side definitely needs attention)

7 When the stock market takes a dive, do not sell anything. If you do, at best you will feel in control but poorer. At worst, you will incur losses that will take years to replace and now you waited too long to get back in, and the prices are already too high. (I know it’s complicated)

6 When the stock market takes a dive, do not listen to the advice of the analysts. If you do, at best you will make a sudden move, and you will be already too late to save money. At worst, you will listen to the wrong analysis and do the opposite of the right thing. (After all no two analysts have the same advice)

5 When the stock market takes a dive, do not let others know how bad things look. If you do, at best you will have to deal with their concerns and advice as well as the problem of lost value. At worst, you will be compelled to make an unwarranted move to convince others you are in control. (This is true if you are the custodian of others funds)

4 When the stock market takes a dive, do not check your accounts. If you do, at best you will be tempted to make a sudden ill-advised move. At worst, you will focus on the negative reports to the point where you will need shock therapy to make a comeback. (Negative reports are not valuable in the current situation.)

3 When the stock market takes a dive, do not read the financial news. If you do, At best you will be convinced the world is coming to an end. At worst, you will need to have a cardiologist on speed dial to handle your recurring symptoms of heart failure. (Makes you want to be a trained EMS tech so you could self-administer defibrillation. You can handle those paddles yourself right?)

2 When the stock market takes a dive, do not go into the local pub. If you do, at best the problem will still be there tomorrow along with that gigantic throbbing head sharing your bed. At worst, you will get it into your mind to have it out once and for all with the stock seller person and the police intercept you before you get to where they live. (Don’t worry about the DUI. As bad, as it is it’s easier to handle than what you were thinking about doing last night.)

1 When the stock market takes a dive, do not forget why you invested in stocks in the first place. If you do, at best you neglect your long-range financial goals. At worst, you will put all your money into a box under the bed with the possibility that it will be worth much less in the future or a burglar will find it. (Not to mention you arguing with the firefighters about getting back into your burning house.)