This list was inspired by being habitually late for most of life’s events. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Wait Until the Last Minute to Do

10 Do not wait until the last minute to get a reservation at the best restaurant. If you do, at best you might want to eat at home. At worst you could find yourself waiting in the bar until there is no longer a point in eating.(Now you have the problem of getting home)

9 Do not wait until the last minute to see if that formal outfit still fits. If you do, at best you might be going to the event a little less formal than you planned. At worst, you could find the split rear seem about two minutes after everyone else in the room. (At least, it’s not toilet tissue on your shoe)

8 Do not wait until the last minute to pull the ripcord during that parachute jump.  If you do, at best you may subject yourself to some heart-stopping moments. At worst, you will learn a hard lesson of physics where the acceleration of a falling mass reaches the speed of fifty feet per second per second. (gotta hope you have enough seconds before the ground meets you.)

7 Do not wait until the last minute to put together a Top Ten list. If you do, at best you will get to bed way too late. At worst, you will come up with something like that parachute item.( Have to promise better)

6 Do not wait until the last minute to put the holiday turkey in the oven. If you do, at best dinner will be delayed. At worst, your holiday dinner guests will have unscheduled stops at the ER on their way home. (Next time you’ll believe that thermometer)

5 Do not wait until the last minute to pay your holiday bills. If you do, at best you will get the money in before the extra charges. At worst, you realize there are more bills than money and the finance charges are like an extra car payment. (Maybe you’ll have these paid up by next December)

4 Do not wait until the last minute to give your Christmas list to Santa. If you do, at best a few of the items on your list will not be available. At worst Santa may just have to pass by your house since his elves could not make that yellow convertible fast enough. (You could have made it simpler given the lateness of the request)

3 Do not wait until the last-minute to make airline reservations to that resort for the holidays. If you do, at best your room will cost five times that of your neighbor. At worst, your selection will be limited to the Howard Johnson’s on exit 361 of the Long Island Expressway. (There is also an ice storm forecasted.)

2 Do not wait until the last minute tp pack for that holiday trip. If you do, at best you will only have to wear everything twice. At worst, you will raise all kinds of questions when you ask the front desk where to buy underwear.( Just forget the look and get a pair)

1 Do not wait until the last minute to fuel your car for the trip to the airport. If you do, at best the power failure did not include the gas station at the next exit. At worst, the only gas station open at this hour has a cash only policy and the local ATM has just been hauled away by vandals.(Notice how soon the low fuel warning light come on)

The inspiration for this list was a discussion between my wife and me about some of the ways kids able to light the parental upset fuse by a simple question. We both have asked some and have been asked some.

Top Ten Things You Never Should Have Asked Your Mother

10 You should never have asked your mother “What meatloaf again?” If you did, at best you got a cold stare and shoulder. At worst, you were invited to partake of food at the neighbor’s house. (The look told you she meant it)

9 You should never have asked your mother on her birthday “How old are you now?” If you did, at best you got a lecture on poor manners. At worst, you were witness to flying cake and a bedroom door slam that you still see in your nightmares. (The heat from the flaming candles should have been a clue to clam up)

8 You should never have asked your mother once your dad told you no “Dad says to come and ask you for the car keys.” If you did, at best you’ll get a response that confirms your dad’s opinion. At worst, you will have been solely responsible for the resultant three months of additional chores once the parental units caught up to your scheme.( Good luck on ever seeing those keys)

7 You should never have asked your mother “Don’t you think that dress is a little out of style.” If you did, at best your mother will go change but not talk to your for the rest of the day. At worst, you will be subjected to a long lecture about all the things your mother gave up so that you could have the most up to date clothing. (She is probably right you ungrateful dependent you)

6 You should never have asked your mother “Can you and dad leave while my friends come over?” If you did, at best you will get a firm “No” in response. At worst, you will be delighted to have your parents sitting in the very room where you and your friends are gathering. (Your worst nightmare has come true)

5 You should never have called your mother on April Fools Day asking “Come bail me out of jail?” If you did, at best a cold cloth applied by dad worked to revive her. At worst, the joke will have backfired to the point where your mom still thinks there was something behind it. (Not nice to play high stakes jokes on your worried mom)

4 You should never have asked your mother to bake cupcakes for the soccer team the night before the event. If you did, at best the cupcakes were made but you owed your mom big time. At worst, the cakes were made but you were so tired from helping you had the worst game ever. (Notice in each case the cakes got made?)

3 You should never have asked your mother to give you lunch money instead of packing a lunch since all the cool kids buy their lunch. If you did, at best you got the money but also a discussion about proper nutrition and peer pressure. At worst, you didn’t get the money and now find your lunch consists of every food you can’t stand including a lot of fruits. (Mom’s way of telling you to quit trying to be part of the in crowd.)

2 You should have never asked your mother to tell a fib about where you were when your stood up date called to talk to you. If you did, at best your mother simply hands the phone to you. At worst, your mother tells your date that you are not interested in talking. (The truth will ice that relationship. Won’t it?)

1 You should have never asked your mother to babysit your kids. If you did, at best all had an excellent time. At worst, your mother doesn’t want to return them to you.

This list is inspired by watching seventy plus Holidays come and go with some mixed results on gifting both giving and receiving.

Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year

10 This year do not give anyone a fruitcake. If you do, at best it will find its way into the city recycling center. At worst, it will come back to you next year just a little bit harder than when last gifted. (Sure it looked good in the catalog.?

9 This year do not give anything that has “as seen on TV” printed on the package. If you do, at best the recipient will know you shopped in the drugstore. At worst, the gadget will be responsible for taking out the recipient’s electrical system. (You didn’t see that recall notice did you?)

8 This year do not give Scandinavian cookies in a metal tin. If you do, at best the made in USA label will give away the lack of an imported gift. At worst, the cookies will taste like overpriced Little Debbie vanilla wafers. (How’s that stuck to the roof of the mouth feeling working out for your recipient?)

7 This year do not give frozen mail order steaks. If you do, at best the steaks will be received by a vegan. At worst, the steaks will arrive in time to sit on the porch between Christmas and New Years while your recipient is skiing in Telluride. (They never said they were going out-of-town did they?)

6 This year do not give fruit gifts. If you do, at best whatever you choose is hated by 75% of the people in the recipient’s household. At worst, the gift you choose arrives during the worst snowstorm in one hundred years and won’t show up until spring. (Man, those pears sure didn’t freeze well did they?)

5 This year do not give personal grooming devices. If you do, at best the recipient will wonder your intent. At worst, you may get a call from the recipients lawyer who is talking generalities about severe damage to very personal areas. (The ad said it was perfectly safe, and you believed it right?)

4 This year do not give a box of chocolate covered cherries. If you do, at best they will cause the recipient to choke on the first and throw the rest away. At worst, the recipient will be so depressed by the lack of thought the entire box will be eaten, and the recipient admitted to the ER with symptoms of a glucose overdose. (It seemed like a good idea while you were getting your prescription filled. Didn’t it?)

3 This year do not give a discount coupon for a day spa visit. At best, you will broadcast how cheap you are. At worst the day spa is running discounts because their service sucks. (Can you say toe fungus without cringing?)

2 This year do not give anything that designed to be worn under clothes. If you do, at best you will raise a question regarding the need. At worst, the size will be all wrong, and it won’t matter if you chose too small or too large the result will be the same. (Did you have a few drinks at that trunk show or are you just an idiot?)

1 This year so not give anything that you bought on an impulse just to have a gift to give. If you do, at best you will have difficulty explaining why that particular gift. At worst, you will probably overspend for something that has no thought behind it. (That will be your payback for procrastinating your search for a gift.)

This list was inspired by watching new parents having some challenges with raising their kids. Sometimes the stress was self-induced, and some good counseling could have avoided the scene.

Top Ten Things Not to do If you are a New First Time Parent

10 If you are a new first-time parent, do not think your child needs to be the first in your circle to do everything. If you do, at best, you will be headed for some disappointment. At worst, you will spend needless cash on child and adult psychologists seeking explanations to unnecessary problems. (Have you ever met an adult who wasn’t potty trained?)

9 If you are a new first-time parent, do not dress your child as an adult. If you do, at best your friends will think you missed something in your childhood. At worst, your child will notice they are a little out-of-place with the other kids leading to other self-image issues. (First hint is when your five-year-old asks for a Porsche for Christmas)

8 If you are a new first-time parent, do not take your toddler to an elegant restaurant for a late night dinner. If you do, at best your child will be miserable being up too late in an unfamiliar environment.At worst the rest of the restaurant patrons will draw straws to see who calls Child Protective Services. (You are used to the crying right?)

7 If you are a new first-time parent, do not stress over pre-school choices. If you do, at best you will need medication to get through the process. At worst, you will become so obsessed with the so-called right school that you will never be satisfied if you are not successful in getting your child enrolled. (Isn’t pre-school supposed to be enjoyable?)

6 If you are a new first-time parent, do not worry about the color of the nursery. If you do, at best your child will not notice the color for a few months. At worst, your worry will be another point of stress that a newborn will recognize. (So you have a boy in pink and a girl in blue. Only your in-laws will care.)

5 If you are a new first-time parent, do not buy quantities of clothes and accessories thinking you are saving money. If you do, at best your child will outgrow the stuff in a month or two, and you will be able to return the excess. At worst, you lost your receipt and find yourself cutting off the feet of onesies so you won’t have to throw them away. (That Costco run really didn’t pay did it?)

4 If you are a new first-time parent, do not read a bunch of child care books. If you do, at best, you will end up totally confused as to what to do. At worst, you will have opinions that are contradictory, and you will need to toss a coin to come to a decision. (Trust a coin on a fever cause and treatment? I don’t think so)

3 If you are a new first-time parent, do not believe you have to record every minute of the child’s life. If you do, at best you will watch you child grow up through the camera viewfinder. At worst, you child will think life is only real if it is captured on film. (Maybe put the camera down and pick up the kid.)

2 If you are a new first-time parent, do not buy toys that are not age-appropriate. If you do, at best your child will not play with them. At worst, you’ll enjoy playing with the toys and will be accused of purchasing the toys on purpose. (Tsk, tsk, tsk)

1 If you are a new first-time parent, do not think you will have to survive on little sleep the rest of your life. If you do, at best you will think you need to run away. At worst, you will want to take the child to the pediatric return desk. (Don’t worry the lack of sleep thing only lasts a couple of years – uh maybe eighteen)

This list is inspired by a study of the results of expecting others to react in a certain way and being totally fooled. As a reminder, this list is intended for humor only and is not the output of a detailed study on the subject. Universities and corporations should be cautious about asking me to take up residence based on a misconceived opinion that I have some unique qualifications in predicting human behavior. (Hello Harvard. I’m talking to you.)

Top Ten Thing Not to Expect From Others

10 If you are pulled over by a police officer, do not expect to be excused for the reason you were pulled over. At best, your friendly attitude might be interpreted as something to hide. At worst, your question of “How do we make this go away?” might be construed as a bribe offer. (You sure look funny on the hood of that patrol car especially with your arms handcuffed behind your back)

9 If you answer the grocery clerks, question, “did you find everything today?” with an honest answer about missing items don’t expect a positive response. If you do, at best you won’t like what you hear. At worst, the fact that the clerk shrugs and says “whatever,” causes you to completely lose your cool and are forcibly removed from the store. (Yes, you were right in wondering why they ask if nothing is to be done but sitting in this mud puddle is the last thing you expected to happen.)

8 If you call an appliance repair person, do not expect the machine to be repaired on the initial visit. If you do, at best you will need to rearrange your schedule for another visit. At worst, you will make a fool out of yourself asking the repair person questions for which they have no answer. (You need to know the first visit is diagnostic. The second is repair, and the third is repair of the repair)

7 If you go to an electronics store, do not think there is someone there who can help. If you do, at best you will need to go home and Google your problem more carefully. At worst, you will buy the splitter or whatnot that is supposed to fix the problem only to find you now need a new transformer. (You see most of the employees have a life and can’t be bothered reading about the technology.)

6 If you place a call to customer care, do not believe anyone you talk to is going to disprove the fact that “customer care” is an oxymoron. If you do, at best you are in for a bumpy ride indeed. At worst, you will finally escalate the call to someone of higher rank who will tell you to quit bothering them. (Your feelings got hurt didn’t they? Bunkie)

5 If you spend extra money on a warranty do not expect your problem to be covered. If you do, at best the realization that you wasted your money will set in quickly. At worst, you and the warranty company will get into a battle if wills that could end up in court. (Guess who has more money for lawyers?)

4 If you ask your server which entrée they recommend, do not think the recommendation is about the best dish, If you do, at best you will over expect what will be under delivered. At worst, you will realize you have been had by the server who is in cahoots with the owner to move a dish that even the help wouldn’t eat for dinner, and it was free to them. (Don’t send it back. Right now it is 99% spit-free. It may not come back that way.)

3 If you have a friend in the car business do not expect a good deal on the car you are about to buy. If you do, at best you will probably pay 20% more than the friend’s enemies pay. At worst, your friend will take his commission and buy a car that is bigger and nicer than yours without even a thank you. (You will continue to wonder how he could afford such a car and at some quiet moment it will hit you.)

2 If you arrange for a contractor to do some work, do not expect the final bill to be at or under the bid price. If you do, at best the surprise factor of the overrun will cause you a visit to the ER. At worst, you realize you won’t have the money for the additional costs, and your contractor resembles Marlon Brando in the Godfather when he explains how “we have a problem.” (You should have checked with the Better Business Bureau before taking the lowball bid. Now it looks like you are going on a long ride in a big black car.)

1 If you hire a party planner, do not expect the party to be anything like your original thought. If you do, at best you won’t be able to relax and enjoy yourself. At worst, the theme that you rejected twelve times will be the one for the evening. Although you are trying to keep an open mind, you still are having trouble warming to the zombie apocalypse décor. (Is that the waiter’s arm laying on the floor?)

The inspiration for this list is my latest efforts to self-publish the next John J. Cannon story titled His Revenge. Since I had absolutely no experience in publishing the journey was a long winding road marked by plenty of mistakes. I’m sure the trial and error method of my learning is not over yet, but here is some of what I learned. Don’t forget I’m a fiction writer, so some of these lessons have been enhanced with dubious facts to make them more interesting and hopefully humorous. I would, therefore, resist publishing this list on the Huffington Post. (hear that Arianna?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Decide to Self-Publish Your Book

10 If you decide to self-Publish your book, do not drink any alcoholic beverages for four weeks before and two weeks after you hit the publish button. If you do, at best those little things you forgot are not necessary. At worst, you find out after six weeks you submitted the wrong cover with the manuscript. (You know the one. It has “fiction” spelled “fuction”).

9 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not try to edit the manuscript yourself. If you do, at best you will have a fool for an editor. At worst, your book will be featured on a blog with the lovely title of  “The Poorest Written Books of the Year.” (You are so lucky to have the top position)

8 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t need to know how to format the interior. If you do, at best your readers will be treated to several blank lines. At worst, your book will resemble something created by a room full of monkeys on keyboards. (Yeah, it can be done but that one page with only the word “then” on it took the cake)

7 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think that cute Crayola picture done by your youngest on the cover is relevant to the book. If you do, at best you will miss some sales due to the confusion. At worst, you will get some letters from outraged parents who thought the story of a mass murderer was a kids story. (Ah well, you can always refund the money)

6 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t have to follow the instructions on the publishing site. If you do, at best you will finally give in and start over following directions after wasting many hours. At worst, you will be locked out of the site for one hundred years. (Most places have no sense of humor when it comes to messing with their process).

5 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think the various choices offered by the site are not significant enough to understand the differences. If you do, at best you may end up with a book that does not make you happy. At worst, your book is so expensive to produce you have no royalty or room to promote. (You are independently wealthy Right?).

4 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you don’t need to order a proof copy. If you do, at best you will miss some of those little messy typos and double periods. At worst, you totally missed the fact that you mislabeled the chapter headings and now have two of each. (The reviewers will have so much fun pointing out the mirror effect).

3 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not rush the process. If you do, at best there will be something overlooked but no one will notice. At worst, you forgot to include the dedication that you already read aloud to the recipient. (Hard to convince the person you were sincere after this omission).

2 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not think you can skip the marketing. If you do, at best your family and friends will carry you for a couple of sales. At worst, you will be one of several hundred thousand books published at the same time and will be entirely lost in the numbers. (You did expect to sell your beautiful book right?)

1 If you decide to self-publish your book, do not lay awake at night worrying about possible mistakes instead of planning every detail. If you do, at best you will feel out of control. At worst, you will have a lot to worry about since without planning mistakes will happen. (Even with planning there could be some, Nobody’s perfect).