Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to do in a Museum

~ John W. Howell ~ 70 Comments

If you are like me, you don’t often go to the museum but when visiting you like to have as little to do with other people as possible. The inspiration for this list is the sometimes annoying behavior of other visitors on these rare visit occasions. I live on an island and have visited the local museum many times, so my other visits to museums involve travel and time. The trouble to get to a museum is why I’m especially annoyed when others seem to believe space is theirs to do as they please.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Museum

10 If you are visiting a museum in the kids section, do not hog the action and allow your children an opportunity to play with the interactive displays too. If you do, at best you will upset your kids. At worst, you will give new meaning to the term bully. (Sure the electricity display is fun but come on Rufus, give the kids a break)

9 If you are visiting a museum, do not continue walking around in your squeaky shoes. If you do, at best you will annoy everyone you pass. At worst, your squeaks will spark an instinctive urge to kill in Brutus the WWF ex-world champ who just got released from a treatment facility. (Yes, his eyes are glowing red, and he’s coming your way)

8 If you are in an Art museum, do not vocalize your profound understanding of the artist’s motivation in any work loudly and especially the piece titled “My Poop.” If you do, at best those around you will have validation you don’t know anything about art. At worst, you may have to put up for the rest of your stay with a similarly minded art aficionado who hasn’t had a bath in months. (Is this person suggesting you go to dinner?)

7 If you are in a museum, so not touch a painting. If you do, at best a kindly octogenarian guard will ask you to step away. At worst, you will have to be quick to avoid the falling gate and the tear gas before you are tackled by a SWAT Team member. (Now you know the sign “Do Not Touch The Art,” is not kidding. Don’t worry you’ll make bail.)

6 If you are in a museum, do not take pictures. If you do, at best you will be asked to stop. At worst, your camera will be confiscated, and you will be charged a royalty for each picture taken. (Of course, you could always let them keep your camera or phone)

5 If you are in a museum, do not talk back in a loud voice to the recorded tour that you hear in your headphones. If you do, at best all you’ll get are strange looks. At worst, some well-meaning person will place a call to EMS since they are convinced you are in an overdose situation. (The tip-off for them was when you were arguing with the recording about the meaning of a black hole.)

4 If you are in a museum, do not try to help the staff by removing a dinosaur tibia bone because you thought it was going to fall. If you do, at best the bone was going to fall. At worst, the bone was the cornerstone of the entire dinosaur skeleton and although it looked like it would fall was positioned that way because it supported the whole ten thousand bone construction.(It only took museum employees four years to construct what took four seconds for you to make a pile. Sneaking out before discovery might be a life-saving measure)

3 If you visit a primarily adult display museum, do not take kids under three years old. If you do, at best you will be worn out trying to keep them quiet. At worst, the rest of the people in the museum will be spent wishing you could keep them quiet. (Better a trip to the park next time)

2 If you visit an art museum, do not discuss out loud your art at home as it compares to the masters. If you do, at best others will think you a braggart. At worst, you might be overheard by an enterprising but out of work youth who will surprise you in the middle of the night while helping himself to your paintings. (Now don’t you feel foolish discussing those Wal-Mart knock-offs?)

1 If you visit an art museum, do not make comments about the nude statues in your outside voice. If you do, at best it is possible that some may be offended by your observations. At worst, you may be unknowingly violating some local indecency ordinance, especially when referring to particular body parts. (Most everyone will admit after you were taken away the way you wove David into your locker room joke was pretty funny)

Top Ten Things Not to do on Spring Break

~ John W. Howell ~ 33 Comments

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This list is inspired by watching almost every weird occurrence that can transpire in a two-week spring break period.  I did a previous post on the subject but decided to take it from the sane adult perspective. After all for every drunken idiot spring breaker antic, there is an equally sober witness to that action. (It’s called the law of disgust) This list is for those innocent souls who happen to be living in a place that is a destination for spring breakers.

Ten Things Not to Do During Spring Break

10 If you live in a spring break area, do not react to a group of spring breakers in a pick-up who ask you to pull up your shirt. If you do, at best you might get a string of beads. At worst, you may cause the group irreparable psychological harm. (They were talking to the young woman behind you. Not you old man.)

9 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to cross the street. If you do, at best you will become a laughable imitation of the game Frogger. At worst, you may end up on the hood of a pick-up and realize the driver is too drunk to see that far. (You won’t mind riding there for the next ten miles right?)

8  If you live in a spring break area, do not think you will be able to drive downtown to the store. If you do, at best what was a five-minute round trip will be a three-hour tour. At worst, you will never get to the store and will, in fact, be carried by the traffic to the next county. (The city tried to warn you about traffic flow)

7 If you live in a spring break area, do not think you can go to the beach. If you do, at best you will not find a place. At worst, you will be caught up in a game of beer pong and never make it home. (So it was the only way you could find a place you say?)

6 If you live in a spring break area, do not take any insults personally. If you do, at best you will be the source of much laughter. At worst, you will need transport to the ER for heart attack symptoms. (Guess which EMS vehicle can’t get through the crowds?)

5 If you live in a spring break area, do not worry about the ten tons of trash laying on the beach. If you do, at best you will want to do something to the next person you see toss a beer can. At worst, the next person you see toss a bear can is nicknamed “killer.” (This will not turn out well will it?)

4 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to help a person who appears lost and disoriented. If you do, at best they will not understand you. At worst, you could be the recipient of a barf shower. (Of course, you wanted to help. You can’t help stupid)

3 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to do anything about all the noise coming from your neighbor’s house. If you do, at best your neighbor will tell you where to go. At worst, the noise will increase since your neighbor is someone who doesn’t like being told what to do.(He is especially stubborn after twelve beers. Just ask his wife.)

2 If you live in a spring break area, do not use any sharp knives or dangerous tools for the duration. If you do, at best you won’t need emergency attention. At worst, you will need to know first aid since it will be about two days until someone can come help you. (The police and medical teams are dealing with big problems like passed out underage drinkers.)

1 If you live in a spring break area, do not leave your doors unlocked. If you do, at best you may wake up with unknown guests on your couch. At worst, all your furniture could be on the front lawn. (Just because a bunch of kids thought it would be funny)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

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This list was inspired by taking a moment to walk in the shoes of the one thousand or so Billionaires in this world. I wanted to imagine how hard it would be to stay on the good side of the household staff dedicated to serving the billionaire day in and day out.  So come with me on this fictional walk among the privileged.

Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

10 Do not ask your chauffeur to wash the car. If you do, at best you’ll get a look that can’t be explained. At worst, you will be treated to a ride through the car wash while you are supposed to be headed for the airport. (Your chauffeur never left the front seat either)

9 Do not ask your butler to empty a wastebasket. If you do, at best the basket will be there untouched. At worst, you will find the basket contents under your clothes that have been laid out for the day. (That lint is a killer isn’t it?)

8 Do not ask the chambermaid to get a cup of coffee. If you do, at best you will have a very grumpy butler on your hands. At worst the chambermaid may bring you a cup of coffee that is only 99% spit-free. (One would hope you knew the duty roster better )

7 Do not ask the cabana person to pick some leaves out of the spa. If you do, at best he will report you to the pool man. At worst, he will pick the leaves out, and the pool man will threaten him to the point where he is forced to leave. (This was the best cabana person of the last five who quit after picking out some leaves)

6 Do not ask the yard man to sweep the garage. If you do, at best the yard man will tell the garage man that the garage needs cleaning. At worst, the yard man will sweep out the garage along with the ten irreplaceable bolts required to hold your Rolls Royce transmission in place. (Don’t worry the replacement bolts can be sent from the UK at the cost of $1000.00 each.)

5 Do not ask the chef to run out and pick up a few things at the store. If you do, at best they will get someone else to do it. At worst, you will still be perplexed why tonight’s dinner is Kraft Macaroni and cheese. (There is nothing wrong with a sample of proletariat cuisine even though your guest is the German ambassador.Right?)

4 Do not tell the House administrator that you think there is too much spending on household items. If you do, at best the spending will increase. At worst, you will need to get used to lower winter and higher summer temperatures in the house as well as hot dogs twice a week. (How do you feel about a foot high lawn)

3 Do not mention to your pilot that you thought the last landing was a bit rough. If you do, at best she will try a softer one next time. At worst you might be treated to what’s called a touch and go landing with several touches. (You never knew this plane could bounce that high did you?)

2 Do not tell your yacht captain how to get from here to there. If you do, at best he will avoid heavy seas even though they are on your route. At worst, you will spend several agonizing hours wondering if you will survive the storm that was right in the way. (You never knew how much the body could send back till now did you?)

1 Do not tell your personal trainer how to train you. If you do, at best your workout will be something short of worthless. At worst, you will be hurting in all the wrong places at all the wrong times. (Pretty tough picking up that pen heh?)

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Neighbor

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

 

The inspiration for this list comes up all the time. I, of course, have had the presence of mind not to say any of these things. Not that I have not wanted to say them, but just never wanted to practice a scorched Earth policy when it comes to people living next door.

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Neighbor

10 Do not say to your neighbor, “I see you have a fine crop of weeds.” If you do, at best you will get ignored. At worst, you get an offer to come over and take care of them. (Who wants to weed the neighbor’s lawn? You Bunky?)

9 Do not say to your neighbor, “That music is a little loud.” If you do, at best you might get someone to turn it down. At worst, around midnight, the music will be cranked up to the pain level. (And the drunk neighbor is in his underwear making rude gestures toward your bedroom window.)

8 Do not say to your neighbor, “We have covenants against that dog barking.” If you do, at best the neighbor will tell you what to do with the covenant. At worst, he will think it funny to release the slobbering and apparently irascible beast in your direction. (You never knew you could run that fast. Did you?)

7 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know Sundays are for quiet.” If you do, at best your neighbor will spend extra time with that leaf blower making sure his lawn is just right. At worst, he will take the rest of the day to work on that oak tree using the dullest chainsaw known to man. (Is that your rear molars I hear cracking?)

6 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know we are under water restrictions.” If you do, at best your neighbor will give you a smile and keep watering the street. At worst, your neighbor will take today as the opportunity to fill the pool, wash the car, test the sprinkling system, and take a bath. (I guess he will show you how to spend $300.00)

5 Do not say to your neighbor, “You are supposed to get your paint color approved before you paint.” If you do, at best your neighbor will continue to paint and get approval later. At worst, your neighbor will stop brush painting the delicate gray and start rolling the Barnie Purple. (No good deed goes unpunished does it?)

4 Do not say to your neighbor, “Is that fence approved by the POA?” If you do, at best you will get an offer to pay attention to something that is your business. At worst, you will be the proud half-owner of an eight-foot tall wire fence that has a fine barbed wire at the top on one side of your property. (Might come in handy to keep the neighbors at home, though.)

3 Do not say to your neighbor, “I don’t think I will be able to support your kid’s school’s popcorn sales event this year. If you do, at best you will be guiltified into participating anyway. At worst, you will keep having midnight phone calls. (And there is never anyone there. You swear you can hear the faint sound of popcorn popping in the background.)

2 Do not say to your neighbor, “Can you give us a hand on the clean-up project this weekend?” If you do at best, you will get a straight, “no.” At worst, you will have to listen to all the reasons why helping out is not part of what the neighbor signed up for when moving in. (Hard to stay awake isn’t it?)

1 Do not say to your neighbor, “How about picking up that poop.” If you do, at best you will get a suggestion for self-romance. At worst, you will get into a big argument and eventually end up wearing the poop. (Didn’t quite turn out the way you thought did it?)

Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear

~ John W. Howell ~ 47 Comments

 

This list is inspired by a weekend out-of-town and overhearing some of the darnedest things said by others.

Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear

10. When others can hear you, do not ask your partner if they brought the money. If you do, at best we all know you’re okay to spend. At worst, the mugger behind you will love the confirmation you should be ripped off. (Could have whispered that one right?)

9 When others can hear you, do not ask a waiter if the food is good. If you do, at best he will tell you the truth, and you have no more information than when you arrived. At worst, he will tell you a lie, and you now have a choice to order or leave. (Gotta wonder why you came here in the first place)

8 When others can hear you, do not negatively comment on the neighborhood. If you do, at best everyone will ignore you. At worst, you will have offended Little Bubba, who just happens to be the POA president and local gang lord. (I guess that answers the question about your missing tires when you return to your car now on cement blocks)

7 When others can hear you, do not ask the butcher if he has any better cuts of meat. If you do, at best he will say that all his cuts are on display. At worst, he will be offended at the implication of poor quality and explain to everyone in line you are obviously not a judge of good meat. (Better than being chased around the store by a half-crazed man with butcher knife)

6 When others can hear you, do not discuss your plans for the evening. If you do, at best you’ll sound like an idiot. At worst, the local cat burglar who followed you here will make note of the hours of your absence from your house.

5 When others can hear you, do not complain about your neighbors. If you do, at best those that hear have no idea who you or your neighbors are. At Worst, those that hear are relatives of your neighbors and are now approaching you with malice in their eyes. (As a side note they are all members of the Dingle Brothers kickboxing team.)

4 When others can hear you, do not answer the question “how you doing?” with anything but “fine.” If you do, at best your story will sound a notch south of pathetic. At worst, you will come home to a ringing phone, and it will be your mother calling to find out what is the problem. (If it was that bad you should have told her. Right?)

3 When others can hear, do not try to impress them with your knowledge of anything. If you do, at best you will sound pompous. At worst, the person hearing you will be an expert in the area on which you are pontificating and be quick to point out how wrong you are. (Man, who was to know that guy was an oenophile?)

2 When others can hear you, do not try to get a better price on a car. if you do, at best the sales person will try to direct you to an office. At worst the sales person will announce loudly that the car is below cost now and can’t take one more penny off. (Imagine that. The price is $100.00 over the sticker.)

1 When others can hear you, do not try to talk the police officer out of a ticket. If you do, at best you have guaranteed the officer will write one up. At worst, you might be the cause of a call for backup and a charge of trying to bribe an officer. (Your offer of “Ten Bucks” for the Policeman’s Ball ticket was a little out of line.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo

~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

funny-zoo-pictures

 

I know most of the US, and much of the northern hemisphere of the world is in winter conditions and would not think about going to the zoo this time of year. Since I have a deep commitment to providing only the highest quality of information *cough* designed to keep you out of trouble, this list is being proffered in the preparation of an early spring. (Guaranteed). As a plus, the title has a little alliteration which is fun.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo by John W. Howell ©2016

10 At the zoo, do not tempt the Ostrich to eat the keys to your car. If you do, at best it will ignore you for the kid’s ice cream cone. At worst, you will be following the Ostrich around the enclosure with a shovel and bag hoping for efficient movement of the keys.(lucky you when it comes to the separation process as well. Ew.)

9 At the zoo, do not make fun of the huge gorilla. If you do, at best you might be the recipient of a warning from the park employee. At worst, you might be wearing some of his lunch. ( And you don’t want to know when he ate it.)

8 At the zoo, do not let your inner child join your kids on the carousel. If you do, at best you might lose your footing as you get off. At worst, you will be too dizzy to stand and find yourself on the ground. ( Did that person just call you a drunk?)

7 At the zoo, do not think it is cute to let the goat eat your hair. If you do, at best you will learn goats pull grass and hair out by the roots. At worst, you will need to get to someone who can even out what has become a bald half of your head. (Those little ones move fast don’t they?)

6 At the zoo, do not roar at the lion. If you do, at best the lion will understand you are dope. At worst, the lion will feel the need to mark you as part of his territory. (A little breezy riding home on the roof of the car isn’t it Bunky.)

5 At the zoo, do not let your kids off leash and out of your sight. If you do, at best they will only get lost and found quickly. At worst, you will be frantic and arrive at the monkey enclosure in time to see your kids trying to talk the head of the monkey clan out of his favorite banana. (That monkey looks like he may lose his temper any moment doesn’t he?)

4 At the zoo, do not go to the bird show and yell when the hawk swoops low. If you do, at best the bird will become frightened and give you a present before going back to its perch. At worst, the hawk will think you are prey and attempt to lift you by your head. (Those talons can hang on can’t they?)

3 At the zoo, do not try to lure an animal to the edge of its enclosure with snack bar food. If you do, at best you might get a cute picture of them eating out of your hand. At worst, you might be making a rushed trip to the ER when you realize that french fry was still attached to your finger. (That made a pretty funny photo, and a video would have gone viral.)

2 At the zoo, do not think the elephant can’t reach you with a water spray. If you do, at best you have to run fast to avoid it. At worst, you will be drenched and will have to leave early. (What made you think the elephant wanted part of your burrito anyway?)

1 At the zoo, do not volunteer at any of the wild animal shows. If you do, at best you could embarrass your family with your screams. At worst, that carrot you are holding in your mouth for the sea-lion might just be one inch too low. ( Your nose will be better in a couple of weeks)

Ten Things Not to Do in a Fancy Coffee Chain Store

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

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The inspiration for this list was a visit to a very busy Coffee chain and then a need to put down in words some of the thoughts that have bothered me since.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fancy Coffee Chain Store

10 Do not try to maintain your individuality by insisting your name be spelled correctly on your cup.If you do, at best your exact words will be handed back to you with your drink. (see above) At worst, the rest of the room will take notice of your insecurity and cover you with eye rolls. (You are bothered by eye rolls, or you wouldn’t have been so particular about your name. Right?)

9 Do not order a fancy drink believing it makes you a superstar. If you do, at best the drink will be wrong. At worst, the drink will be wrong, and you’ll not know it. (Exactly what that twenty-something was counting on when she handed you that regular coffee)

8 Do not look at the pastries while you are standing in the longest line ever. If you do, at best your stomach will announce to those in front and behind that you are an animal. At worst, you pick one up and suffer from calorie and budget overload. (How could something so small cost so much?)

7 Do not offer to pick up something for your co-workers. If you do, at best they’ll order strange coffees and give you money. At worst, they’ll order several breakfast sandwiches and give you enough money to cover about half. (The reaction when you ask for the rest is like you embezzled the funds)

6 Do not go to the drive through with less than a half a tank of gas. If you do, at best you will need to shut the car off several times. At worst, you will forget and run out of gas before you reach the window. (Makes you wonder why you didn’t just go in the first place.)

5 Do not attempt to strike up a conversation with the barista. If you do, at best you’ll realize you are talking to yourself. At worst, the barista will be distracted and make your drink the way the previous person ordered it. (Just try and get that corrected)

4 Do not stand in line and then start thinking what you want when you reach the point of ordering. If you do, at best the audible groan from your fellow fancy coffee drinkers will make you nervous. At worst, you will be the recipient of the kind of insults last heard during the NFL season directed at the commissioner. (You are not making the kind of money to put up with that abuse)

3 Do not pass the tip jar without making a deposit. If you do, at best you will be marked for special treatment next time. At worst, you are still waiting for your drink and everyone behind you has left. (Yes a tip is for good service, but here it is paid in advance much like a toll to the troll under the bridge)

2 Do not take more than one napkin and one stir stick from the condiment bar. If you do, at best you will be reminded to conserve paper. At worst, the environmental enforcer who looks much like the World Wrestling Federation champ will relieve you of the extra. (You  hope he puts you down on your feet after he is through with holding you by the ankles and shaking the napkin free)

1 Do not try to pay for your drink with a gift card that does not have enough to cover. If you do, at best you will be delayed while the difference is figured out. At worst, you will get the feeling that the next move will be the arrival of a SWAT team to take you down for violating what the cashier is sure is a Federal offense. (You have to wonder why you don’t keep the receipt from the previous visit since it clearly states your balance. Silly you.)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to an Opponent on the Football Field

~ John W. Howell ~ 47 Comments

 

 

The inspiration for this list was this season’s playoffs in the NFL. There were enough punches thrown during the various games and enough trash talk to fill a stadium. Although I was not a party to any of the conversations my imagination went to the point of asking the question,”What could one player say to another that would warrant an attempted punch to the nose. (I say attempted since most players are guarded by a facemask and it would be tough to make a fist to nose contact.) Also, I know none of us play football but what if we did? I hope you enjoy since we are now in the last moments of this season.

The Top Ten Things Not to Say to an Opponent on the Football Field

10 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard they were losing the Nike endorsement. If you do, at best the player will think you are joking. At worst, the player will assume you have the endorsement and will try the fist to nose maneuver. (You know those endorsements don’t come easy.)

9 If you are on the football field, do not ask another player about last night. If you do, at best you’ll get a stare. At worst the player will assume you know something and will court a penalty to take you out. (Last night is something players never mention. Right?)

8 If you are on the football field, do not tell a player he looks cute on the jumbotron. If you do, at best the player will avoid you the rest of the game. At worst, the player will finally get that you wanted to tempt him to look continually at the jumbotron, and will take you out with a chop block. (It was a good try and pretty funny when he went downfield for a pass and couldn’t take his eyes off himself.)

7 If you are on the football field, do not make fun of another player’s Ferrari color. If you do, at best he will tease you about not having one. At worst, the player will start to become self-conscious about his choice of purple and take it out on you. (The dealer did call it Red Cassis though)

6 If you are on the football field, do not mention the nasty tweet that the player made which required a huge apology. If you do, at best the player will give you a knuckle sandwich warning. At worst, just when you thought you were going to catch that game winning touchdown, you wake up in the hospital instead. (Never saw it coming did ya bunkie. Oh and, by the way, your team lost.)

5 If you are on the football field, do not ask a player it that is his mother in the stands. If you do, at best he won’t have time to think about it and just smile. At worst, he will realize you are talking about his latest date and will make a tackle that you’ll remember well into the next season. (You should always be respectful. Right?)

4 If you are on the football field, do not tackle a player and then say, “That was easy.” If you do, at best the player will throw you off. At worst, you and the player will look like children on the playground punching each other on the ground in front of thirty million viewers. (Why won’t the press leave this one alone you wonder?)

3 If you are on the football field, do not put your face mask into another players face mask and tell him he’s ugly. If you do, at best you know a fist to nose attempt is on its way. At worst, you will wonder what happened right after your helmet went airborne and the lights went out. (No way to talk to a 350-pound tackle)

2 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard his Super Bowl ring is in a pawn shop. If you do, at best you will be on the ground on the next play. At worst, you will be the center of attention on a time out and cart ride back to the locker room. (Learned a lesson about finance didn’t you)

1 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that your agent is the same as his. If you do, at best the game will be a series of who can outdo who. At worst, since you both behaved so poorly, your agent has now cut you both loose. (A bit of discretion could have avoided all this angst.)

Top Ten Thing Not to Say in the Doctor’s office #JusJoJan

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

 

The inspiration for this list is many many visits to doctor’s offices. I have six specialists all in charge of a different part of my body and one Primary Care Physician, who is watching the whole thing. I hope you enjoy the list.

Ten Things Not to Say in a Doctor’s office.

10 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say “What’s up doc?” If you do, at best you’ll get a look. At worst the doctor will decide a digital exam is a must do. (You just had one of these the last time your were here right?)

9 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I’m not a doctor but play one on TV.” If you do, at best, you’ll get a chuckle. At worst, you will be asked for a diagnosis on yourself. (Who knows if you are right or not)

8 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Do I get some painkillers?” If you do, at best, the doctor will make sure there are no refills. At worst, you will have to pass scrutiny to ensure you’re not a pill head. (You thought it was an innocent remark right Bucky?)

7 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Why am I still waiting? My time is valuable.” If you do, at best, you will feel better but will still wait longer. At worst, the minimum wage receptionist will accidentally slip your name down the list until you are first tomorrow. (Looking at your watch sixty times an hour won’t help either)

6 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I can get this medicine on the internet at half the price.” If you do, at best you will be ignored and will still get the prescription. At worst, you will be invited to buy your drugs on-line and to consult a doctor online as well. (Well. That didn’t work out the way you planned did it, Homer?)

5 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I have filled out these forms ten times already.” If you do, at best you will get a kindly smile and a request to fill out the form. At worst, you will be branded a trouble maker, and the clerk will make sure you will need to complete the form until your last day on Earth. (Would have been easier to fill out the form one more time and hope for the best.)

4 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “How soon will the doctor be in to see me?” If you do, at best, the answer will be the same as you’ve heard while waiting on the phone for customer service.”The doctor is busy with other patients and will be here shortly.” At worst, the nurse will inform the doctor you are in a rush, and he’ll be in and out of your exam room in twenty seconds. (I hope he is right about the need for a barium enema. Aren’t you?)

3 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,” Please file that insurance paperwork for me.” If you do, at best, the reimbursement will be delayed. At worst, the clerk will quit next Wednesday and toss all the incomplete paperwork in the wastebasket. (Well it was only a $125.00 after all)

2 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,”This is not how Doctor Smith handled me.” If you do, at best you’ll be informed that Dr. Smith is no longer your doctor and “we” know best. At worst, you will be kindly asked to join Dr. Smith who is currently working with Doctor’s Without Borders in the jungle somewhere.(Dr. Smith wasn’t all that good after all right?)

1 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,”I just can’t lose weight no matter what I do.” If you do, at best you will be given an extensive list of things you can eat and asked to fill out a diary for the next month. At worst, the doctor will give you some medicine that makes everything you eat taste like cod liver oil. (Now we both know no such drug exists so tell me why it works)

This post is part of the Just Jot it January happening. Go here to find out what it is about.

http://lindaghill.com/2015/12/31/just-jot-it-january-2016-rules/

jjj-2016

Top Ten Things Not to Do In a Bookstore #JusJoJan

~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

book store

 

This list is inspired by observing some pretty unusual things on visits to bookstores. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to do In a Bookstore

10 In a bookstore, do not set up a Coleman lantern next to the most comfortable chair. If you do, at best you will tip-off the store personnel that you intend to overnight. At worst, once set up there is no way you can leave the chair without someone else jumping into your spot.(That double shot low foam latte is now calling on you for relief)

9 In a bookstore, do not decide to skim through a couple of rare books while eating a brownie. If you do, at best you’ll be able to avoid discovery of the brown frosting spot on page 121. At worst, you are now looking at buying a book whose price tag makes your monthly food expense look cheap. (Hard to eat a book right?)

8 In a bookstore, do not wear your jammies, bunny feet, and carry your Dachshund. If you do, at best you’ll be forced to stay in the juvenile section to quell the laughter. At worst, the store manager will place a call to the local mental health provider requesting an intervention. (The store seems just like home doesn’t it?)

7 In a bookstore, do not decide to review a book using your out loud voice. If you do, at best the rest of the patrons will ask the manager to throw you out. At worst, your review may not sit well with one individual who happens to be the brother of the author and best-selling author of the title,”Fear No One: Bear Handed Self Defense.” (He really does have big hands doesn’t he?)

6 In a bookstore, do not spend hours looking at the magazines. If you do, at best you may be taken for a homeless person embarrassed by the offer of a free cup of coffee. At worst, you may be mistaken for a secret agent who has been waiting for the contact person now being interrogated by Homeland Security. (What do you mean a phone call?)

5 In a bookstore, do not think you can do all your reading for free. If you do, at best you will be eventually recognized and asked to leave. At worst, the security camera has recorded all the times you made a margin note or bent a page, and your bill is now overdue. (You should have worn a mask. Right Sparky?)

4 In a bookstore, do not try to sneak into the erotic section. If you do, at best store personnel will think you’re going to steal something. At worst, the security department will hold it’s breath hoping you will make a fool of yourself on camera.(You know Erotica is a genre right? No need to sneak.)

3 In a bookstore, do not ask the manager to stock your book as if you’re a reader and not the author. If you do, at best the manager will ignore your request. At worst, the manager will ask for your name and telephone number so he can call you when the book comes in. (Wow that was embarrassing)

2 In a bookstore, do not ask the clerk if the price on the discounted book is the best they can do. If you do, at best the person will confirm the price as firm. At worst, the clerk will call the manager who will make note of your request and politely inform you that the price is firm while memorizing your face for the next encounter. (After all this place is not a flea market)

1 In a bookstore, do not come back for a while if you are greeted by name as if you are walking into Cheers bar. If you do, at best you are recognized as a good customer, and it’s okay. At worst, the store personnel has your number, and you might want to take the hint.(After three days fish and guests start to smell alike)

This post is part of the Just Jot it January fun. If you would like to join visit this link http://lindaghill.com/2015/12/31/just-jot-it-january-2016-rules/

jjj-2016