Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Neighbor

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

 

The inspiration for this list comes up all the time. I, of course, have had the presence of mind not to say any of these things. Not that I have not wanted to say them, but just never wanted to practice a scorched Earth policy when it comes to people living next door.

Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Neighbor

10 Do not say to your neighbor, “I see you have a fine crop of weeds.” If you do, at best you will get ignored. At worst, you get an offer to come over and take care of them. (Who wants to weed the neighbor’s lawn? You Bunky?)

9 Do not say to your neighbor, “That music is a little loud.” If you do, at best you might get someone to turn it down. At worst, around midnight, the music will be cranked up to the pain level. (And the drunk neighbor is in his underwear making rude gestures toward your bedroom window.)

8 Do not say to your neighbor, “We have covenants against that dog barking.” If you do, at best the neighbor will tell you what to do with the covenant. At worst, he will think it funny to release the slobbering and apparently irascible beast in your direction. (You never knew you could run that fast. Did you?)

7 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know Sundays are for quiet.” If you do, at best your neighbor will spend extra time with that leaf blower making sure his lawn is just right. At worst, he will take the rest of the day to work on that oak tree using the dullest chainsaw known to man. (Is that your rear molars I hear cracking?)

6 Do not say to your neighbor, “You know we are under water restrictions.” If you do, at best your neighbor will give you a smile and keep watering the street. At worst, your neighbor will take today as the opportunity to fill the pool, wash the car, test the sprinkling system, and take a bath. (I guess he will show you how to spend $300.00)

5 Do not say to your neighbor, “You are supposed to get your paint color approved before you paint.” If you do, at best your neighbor will continue to paint and get approval later. At worst, your neighbor will stop brush painting the delicate gray and start rolling the Barnie Purple. (No good deed goes unpunished does it?)

4 Do not say to your neighbor, “Is that fence approved by the POA?” If you do, at best you will get an offer to pay attention to something that is your business. At worst, you will be the proud half-owner of an eight-foot tall wire fence that has a fine barbed wire at the top on one side of your property. (Might come in handy to keep the neighbors at home, though.)

3 Do not say to your neighbor, “I don’t think I will be able to support your kid’s school’s popcorn sales event this year. If you do, at best you will be guiltified into participating anyway. At worst, you will keep having midnight phone calls. (And there is never anyone there. You swear you can hear the faint sound of popcorn popping in the background.)

2 Do not say to your neighbor, “Can you give us a hand on the clean-up project this weekend?” If you do at best, you will get a straight, “no.” At worst, you will have to listen to all the reasons why helping out is not part of what the neighbor signed up for when moving in. (Hard to stay awake isn’t it?)

1 Do not say to your neighbor, “How about picking up that poop.” If you do, at best you will get a suggestion for self-romance. At worst, you will get into a big argument and eventually end up wearing the poop. (Didn’t quite turn out the way you thought did it?)

Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear

~ John W. Howell ~ 47 Comments

 

This list is inspired by a weekend out-of-town and overhearing some of the darnedest things said by others.

Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear

10. When others can hear you, do not ask your partner if they brought the money. If you do, at best we all know you’re okay to spend. At worst, the mugger behind you will love the confirmation you should be ripped off. (Could have whispered that one right?)

9 When others can hear you, do not ask a waiter if the food is good. If you do, at best he will tell you the truth, and you have no more information than when you arrived. At worst, he will tell you a lie, and you now have a choice to order or leave. (Gotta wonder why you came here in the first place)

8 When others can hear you, do not negatively comment on the neighborhood. If you do, at best everyone will ignore you. At worst, you will have offended Little Bubba, who just happens to be the POA president and local gang lord. (I guess that answers the question about your missing tires when you return to your car now on cement blocks)

7 When others can hear you, do not ask the butcher if he has any better cuts of meat. If you do, at best he will say that all his cuts are on display. At worst, he will be offended at the implication of poor quality and explain to everyone in line you are obviously not a judge of good meat. (Better than being chased around the store by a half-crazed man with butcher knife)

6 When others can hear you, do not discuss your plans for the evening. If you do, at best you’ll sound like an idiot. At worst, the local cat burglar who followed you here will make note of the hours of your absence from your house.

5 When others can hear you, do not complain about your neighbors. If you do, at best those that hear have no idea who you or your neighbors are. At Worst, those that hear are relatives of your neighbors and are now approaching you with malice in their eyes. (As a side note they are all members of the Dingle Brothers kickboxing team.)

4 When others can hear you, do not answer the question “how you doing?” with anything but “fine.” If you do, at best your story will sound a notch south of pathetic. At worst, you will come home to a ringing phone, and it will be your mother calling to find out what is the problem. (If it was that bad you should have told her. Right?)

3 When others can hear, do not try to impress them with your knowledge of anything. If you do, at best you will sound pompous. At worst, the person hearing you will be an expert in the area on which you are pontificating and be quick to point out how wrong you are. (Man, who was to know that guy was an oenophile?)

2 When others can hear you, do not try to get a better price on a car. if you do, at best the sales person will try to direct you to an office. At worst the sales person will announce loudly that the car is below cost now and can’t take one more penny off. (Imagine that. The price is $100.00 over the sticker.)

1 When others can hear you, do not try to talk the police officer out of a ticket. If you do, at best you have guaranteed the officer will write one up. At worst, you might be the cause of a call for backup and a charge of trying to bribe an officer. (Your offer of “Ten Bucks” for the Policeman’s Ball ticket was a little out of line.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo

~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

funny-zoo-pictures

 

I know most of the US, and much of the northern hemisphere of the world is in winter conditions and would not think about going to the zoo this time of year. Since I have a deep commitment to providing only the highest quality of information *cough* designed to keep you out of trouble, this list is being proffered in the preparation of an early spring. (Guaranteed). As a plus, the title has a little alliteration which is fun.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo by John W. Howell ©2016

10 At the zoo, do not tempt the Ostrich to eat the keys to your car. If you do, at best it will ignore you for the kid’s ice cream cone. At worst, you will be following the Ostrich around the enclosure with a shovel and bag hoping for efficient movement of the keys.(lucky you when it comes to the separation process as well. Ew.)

9 At the zoo, do not make fun of the huge gorilla. If you do, at best you might be the recipient of a warning from the park employee. At worst, you might be wearing some of his lunch. ( And you don’t want to know when he ate it.)

8 At the zoo, do not let your inner child join your kids on the carousel. If you do, at best you might lose your footing as you get off. At worst, you will be too dizzy to stand and find yourself on the ground. ( Did that person just call you a drunk?)

7 At the zoo, do not think it is cute to let the goat eat your hair. If you do, at best you will learn goats pull grass and hair out by the roots. At worst, you will need to get to someone who can even out what has become a bald half of your head. (Those little ones move fast don’t they?)

6 At the zoo, do not roar at the lion. If you do, at best the lion will understand you are dope. At worst, the lion will feel the need to mark you as part of his territory. (A little breezy riding home on the roof of the car isn’t it Bunky.)

5 At the zoo, do not let your kids off leash and out of your sight. If you do, at best they will only get lost and found quickly. At worst, you will be frantic and arrive at the monkey enclosure in time to see your kids trying to talk the head of the monkey clan out of his favorite banana. (That monkey looks like he may lose his temper any moment doesn’t he?)

4 At the zoo, do not go to the bird show and yell when the hawk swoops low. If you do, at best the bird will become frightened and give you a present before going back to its perch. At worst, the hawk will think you are prey and attempt to lift you by your head. (Those talons can hang on can’t they?)

3 At the zoo, do not try to lure an animal to the edge of its enclosure with snack bar food. If you do, at best you might get a cute picture of them eating out of your hand. At worst, you might be making a rushed trip to the ER when you realize that french fry was still attached to your finger. (That made a pretty funny photo, and a video would have gone viral.)

2 At the zoo, do not think the elephant can’t reach you with a water spray. If you do, at best you have to run fast to avoid it. At worst, you will be drenched and will have to leave early. (What made you think the elephant wanted part of your burrito anyway?)

1 At the zoo, do not volunteer at any of the wild animal shows. If you do, at best you could embarrass your family with your screams. At worst, that carrot you are holding in your mouth for the sea-lion might just be one inch too low. ( Your nose will be better in a couple of weeks)

Ten Things Not to Do in a Fancy Coffee Chain Store

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

IMG_2323

The inspiration for this list was a visit to a very busy Coffee chain and then a need to put down in words some of the thoughts that have bothered me since.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fancy Coffee Chain Store

10 Do not try to maintain your individuality by insisting your name be spelled correctly on your cup.If you do, at best your exact words will be handed back to you with your drink. (see above) At worst, the rest of the room will take notice of your insecurity and cover you with eye rolls. (You are bothered by eye rolls, or you wouldn’t have been so particular about your name. Right?)

9 Do not order a fancy drink believing it makes you a superstar. If you do, at best the drink will be wrong. At worst, the drink will be wrong, and you’ll not know it. (Exactly what that twenty-something was counting on when she handed you that regular coffee)

8 Do not look at the pastries while you are standing in the longest line ever. If you do, at best your stomach will announce to those in front and behind that you are an animal. At worst, you pick one up and suffer from calorie and budget overload. (How could something so small cost so much?)

7 Do not offer to pick up something for your co-workers. If you do, at best they’ll order strange coffees and give you money. At worst, they’ll order several breakfast sandwiches and give you enough money to cover about half. (The reaction when you ask for the rest is like you embezzled the funds)

6 Do not go to the drive through with less than a half a tank of gas. If you do, at best you will need to shut the car off several times. At worst, you will forget and run out of gas before you reach the window. (Makes you wonder why you didn’t just go in the first place.)

5 Do not attempt to strike up a conversation with the barista. If you do, at best you’ll realize you are talking to yourself. At worst, the barista will be distracted and make your drink the way the previous person ordered it. (Just try and get that corrected)

4 Do not stand in line and then start thinking what you want when you reach the point of ordering. If you do, at best the audible groan from your fellow fancy coffee drinkers will make you nervous. At worst, you will be the recipient of the kind of insults last heard during the NFL season directed at the commissioner. (You are not making the kind of money to put up with that abuse)

3 Do not pass the tip jar without making a deposit. If you do, at best you will be marked for special treatment next time. At worst, you are still waiting for your drink and everyone behind you has left. (Yes a tip is for good service, but here it is paid in advance much like a toll to the troll under the bridge)

2 Do not take more than one napkin and one stir stick from the condiment bar. If you do, at best you will be reminded to conserve paper. At worst, the environmental enforcer who looks much like the World Wrestling Federation champ will relieve you of the extra. (You  hope he puts you down on your feet after he is through with holding you by the ankles and shaking the napkin free)

1 Do not try to pay for your drink with a gift card that does not have enough to cover. If you do, at best you will be delayed while the difference is figured out. At worst, you will get the feeling that the next move will be the arrival of a SWAT team to take you down for violating what the cashier is sure is a Federal offense. (You have to wonder why you don’t keep the receipt from the previous visit since it clearly states your balance. Silly you.)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to an Opponent on the Football Field

~ John W. Howell ~ 47 Comments

 

 

The inspiration for this list was this season’s playoffs in the NFL. There were enough punches thrown during the various games and enough trash talk to fill a stadium. Although I was not a party to any of the conversations my imagination went to the point of asking the question,”What could one player say to another that would warrant an attempted punch to the nose. (I say attempted since most players are guarded by a facemask and it would be tough to make a fist to nose contact.) Also, I know none of us play football but what if we did? I hope you enjoy since we are now in the last moments of this season.

The Top Ten Things Not to Say to an Opponent on the Football Field

10 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard they were losing the Nike endorsement. If you do, at best the player will think you are joking. At worst, the player will assume you have the endorsement and will try the fist to nose maneuver. (You know those endorsements don’t come easy.)

9 If you are on the football field, do not ask another player about last night. If you do, at best you’ll get a stare. At worst the player will assume you know something and will court a penalty to take you out. (Last night is something players never mention. Right?)

8 If you are on the football field, do not tell a player he looks cute on the jumbotron. If you do, at best the player will avoid you the rest of the game. At worst, the player will finally get that you wanted to tempt him to look continually at the jumbotron, and will take you out with a chop block. (It was a good try and pretty funny when he went downfield for a pass and couldn’t take his eyes off himself.)

7 If you are on the football field, do not make fun of another player’s Ferrari color. If you do, at best he will tease you about not having one. At worst, the player will start to become self-conscious about his choice of purple and take it out on you. (The dealer did call it Red Cassis though)

6 If you are on the football field, do not mention the nasty tweet that the player made which required a huge apology. If you do, at best the player will give you a knuckle sandwich warning. At worst, just when you thought you were going to catch that game winning touchdown, you wake up in the hospital instead. (Never saw it coming did ya bunkie. Oh and, by the way, your team lost.)

5 If you are on the football field, do not ask a player it that is his mother in the stands. If you do, at best he won’t have time to think about it and just smile. At worst, he will realize you are talking about his latest date and will make a tackle that you’ll remember well into the next season. (You should always be respectful. Right?)

4 If you are on the football field, do not tackle a player and then say, “That was easy.” If you do, at best the player will throw you off. At worst, you and the player will look like children on the playground punching each other on the ground in front of thirty million viewers. (Why won’t the press leave this one alone you wonder?)

3 If you are on the football field, do not put your face mask into another players face mask and tell him he’s ugly. If you do, at best you know a fist to nose attempt is on its way. At worst, you will wonder what happened right after your helmet went airborne and the lights went out. (No way to talk to a 350-pound tackle)

2 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard his Super Bowl ring is in a pawn shop. If you do, at best you will be on the ground on the next play. At worst, you will be the center of attention on a time out and cart ride back to the locker room. (Learned a lesson about finance didn’t you)

1 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that your agent is the same as his. If you do, at best the game will be a series of who can outdo who. At worst, since you both behaved so poorly, your agent has now cut you both loose. (A bit of discretion could have avoided all this angst.)

Top Ten Thing Not to Say in the Doctor’s office #JusJoJan

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

 

The inspiration for this list is many many visits to doctor’s offices. I have six specialists all in charge of a different part of my body and one Primary Care Physician, who is watching the whole thing. I hope you enjoy the list.

Ten Things Not to Say in a Doctor’s office.

10 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say “What’s up doc?” If you do, at best you’ll get a look. At worst the doctor will decide a digital exam is a must do. (You just had one of these the last time your were here right?)

9 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I’m not a doctor but play one on TV.” If you do, at best, you’ll get a chuckle. At worst, you will be asked for a diagnosis on yourself. (Who knows if you are right or not)

8 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Do I get some painkillers?” If you do, at best, the doctor will make sure there are no refills. At worst, you will have to pass scrutiny to ensure you’re not a pill head. (You thought it was an innocent remark right Bucky?)

7 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “Why am I still waiting? My time is valuable.” If you do, at best, you will feel better but will still wait longer. At worst, the minimum wage receptionist will accidentally slip your name down the list until you are first tomorrow. (Looking at your watch sixty times an hour won’t help either)

6 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I can get this medicine on the internet at half the price.” If you do, at best you will be ignored and will still get the prescription. At worst, you will be invited to buy your drugs on-line and to consult a doctor online as well. (Well. That didn’t work out the way you planned did it, Homer?)

5 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “I have filled out these forms ten times already.” If you do, at best you will get a kindly smile and a request to fill out the form. At worst, you will be branded a trouble maker, and the clerk will make sure you will need to complete the form until your last day on Earth. (Would have been easier to fill out the form one more time and hope for the best.)

4 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say, “How soon will the doctor be in to see me?” If you do, at best, the answer will be the same as you’ve heard while waiting on the phone for customer service.”The doctor is busy with other patients and will be here shortly.” At worst, the nurse will inform the doctor you are in a rush, and he’ll be in and out of your exam room in twenty seconds. (I hope he is right about the need for a barium enema. Aren’t you?)

3 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,” Please file that insurance paperwork for me.” If you do, at best, the reimbursement will be delayed. At worst, the clerk will quit next Wednesday and toss all the incomplete paperwork in the wastebasket. (Well it was only a $125.00 after all)

2 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,”This is not how Doctor Smith handled me.” If you do, at best you’ll be informed that Dr. Smith is no longer your doctor and “we” know best. At worst, you will be kindly asked to join Dr. Smith who is currently working with Doctor’s Without Borders in the jungle somewhere.(Dr. Smith wasn’t all that good after all right?)

1 If you are in a doctor’s office, do not say,”I just can’t lose weight no matter what I do.” If you do, at best you will be given an extensive list of things you can eat and asked to fill out a diary for the next month. At worst, the doctor will give you some medicine that makes everything you eat taste like cod liver oil. (Now we both know no such drug exists so tell me why it works)

This post is part of the Just Jot it January happening. Go here to find out what it is about.

http://lindaghill.com/2015/12/31/just-jot-it-january-2016-rules/

jjj-2016

Top Ten Things Not to Do In a Bookstore #JusJoJan

~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

book store

 

This list is inspired by observing some pretty unusual things on visits to bookstores. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to do In a Bookstore

10 In a bookstore, do not set up a Coleman lantern next to the most comfortable chair. If you do, at best you will tip-off the store personnel that you intend to overnight. At worst, once set up there is no way you can leave the chair without someone else jumping into your spot.(That double shot low foam latte is now calling on you for relief)

9 In a bookstore, do not decide to skim through a couple of rare books while eating a brownie. If you do, at best you’ll be able to avoid discovery of the brown frosting spot on page 121. At worst, you are now looking at buying a book whose price tag makes your monthly food expense look cheap. (Hard to eat a book right?)

8 In a bookstore, do not wear your jammies, bunny feet, and carry your Dachshund. If you do, at best you’ll be forced to stay in the juvenile section to quell the laughter. At worst, the store manager will place a call to the local mental health provider requesting an intervention. (The store seems just like home doesn’t it?)

7 In a bookstore, do not decide to review a book using your out loud voice. If you do, at best the rest of the patrons will ask the manager to throw you out. At worst, your review may not sit well with one individual who happens to be the brother of the author and best-selling author of the title,”Fear No One: Bear Handed Self Defense.” (He really does have big hands doesn’t he?)

6 In a bookstore, do not spend hours looking at the magazines. If you do, at best you may be taken for a homeless person embarrassed by the offer of a free cup of coffee. At worst, you may be mistaken for a secret agent who has been waiting for the contact person now being interrogated by Homeland Security. (What do you mean a phone call?)

5 In a bookstore, do not think you can do all your reading for free. If you do, at best you will be eventually recognized and asked to leave. At worst, the security camera has recorded all the times you made a margin note or bent a page, and your bill is now overdue. (You should have worn a mask. Right Sparky?)

4 In a bookstore, do not try to sneak into the erotic section. If you do, at best store personnel will think you’re going to steal something. At worst, the security department will hold it’s breath hoping you will make a fool of yourself on camera.(You know Erotica is a genre right? No need to sneak.)

3 In a bookstore, do not ask the manager to stock your book as if you’re a reader and not the author. If you do, at best the manager will ignore your request. At worst, the manager will ask for your name and telephone number so he can call you when the book comes in. (Wow that was embarrassing)

2 In a bookstore, do not ask the clerk if the price on the discounted book is the best they can do. If you do, at best the person will confirm the price as firm. At worst, the clerk will call the manager who will make note of your request and politely inform you that the price is firm while memorizing your face for the next encounter. (After all this place is not a flea market)

1 In a bookstore, do not come back for a while if you are greeted by name as if you are walking into Cheers bar. If you do, at best you are recognized as a good customer, and it’s okay. At worst, the store personnel has your number, and you might want to take the hint.(After three days fish and guests start to smell alike)

This post is part of the Just Jot it January fun. If you would like to join visit this link http://lindaghill.com/2015/12/31/just-jot-it-january-2016-rules/

jjj-2016

Top Ten Things Not to Wait Until the Last Minute to Do

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Last minute

 

This list was inspired by being habitually late for most of life’s events. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Wait Until the Last Minute to Do

10 Do not wait until the last minute to get a reservation at the best restaurant. If you do, at best you might want to eat at home. At worst you could find yourself waiting in the bar until there is no longer a point in eating.(Now you have the problem of getting home)

9 Do not wait until the last minute to see if that formal outfit still fits. If you do, at best you might be going to the event a little less formal than you planned. At worst, you could find the split rear seem about two minutes after everyone else in the room. (At least, it’s not toilet tissue on your shoe)

8 Do not wait until the last minute to pull the ripcord during that parachute jump.  If you do, at best you may subject yourself to some heart-stopping moments. At worst, you will learn a hard lesson of physics where the acceleration of a falling mass reaches the speed of fifty feet per second per second. (gotta hope you have enough seconds before the ground meets you.)

7 Do not wait until the last minute to put together a Top Ten list. If you do, at best you will get to bed way too late. At worst, you will come up with something like that parachute item.( Have to promise better)

6 Do not wait until the last minute to put the holiday turkey in the oven. If you do, at best dinner will be delayed. At worst, your holiday dinner guests will have unscheduled stops at the ER on their way home. (Next time you’ll believe that thermometer)

5 Do not wait until the last minute to pay your holiday bills. If you do, at best you will get the money in before the extra charges. At worst, you realize there are more bills than money and the finance charges are like an extra car payment. (Maybe you’ll have these paid up by next December)

4 Do not wait until the last minute to give your Christmas list to Santa. If you do, at best a few of the items on your list will not be available. At worst Santa may just have to pass by your house since his elves could not make that yellow convertible fast enough. (You could have made it simpler given the lateness of the request)

3 Do not wait until the last-minute to make airline reservations to that resort for the holidays. If you do, at best your room will cost five times that of your neighbor. At worst, your selection will be limited to the Howard Johnson’s on exit 361 of the Long Island Expressway. (There is also an ice storm forecasted.)

2 Do not wait until the last minute tp pack for that holiday trip. If you do, at best you will only have to wear everything twice. At worst, you will raise all kinds of questions when you ask the front desk where to buy underwear.( Just forget the look and get a pair)

1 Do not wait until the last minute to fuel your car for the trip to the airport. If you do, at best the power failure did not include the gas station at the next exit. At worst, the only gas station open at this hour has a cash only policy and the local ATM has just been hauled away by vandals.(Notice how soon the low fuel warning light come on)

Top Ten Things You Never Should Have Asked Your Mother

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

mom

 

The inspiration for this list was a discussion between my wife and me about some of the ways kids able to light the parental upset fuse by a simple question. We both have asked some and have been asked some.

Top Ten Things You Never Should Have Asked Your Mother

10 You should never have asked your mother “What meatloaf again?” If you did, at best you got a cold stare and shoulder. At worst, you were invited to partake of food at the neighbor’s house. (The look told you she meant it)

9 You should never have asked your mother on her birthday “How old are you now?” If you did, at best you got a lecture on poor manners. At worst, you were witness to flying cake and a bedroom door slam that you still see in your nightmares. (The heat from the flaming candles should have been a clue to clam up)

8 You should never have asked your mother once your dad told you no “Dad says to come and ask you for the car keys.” If you did, at best you’ll get a response that confirms your dad’s opinion. At worst, you will have been solely responsible for the resultant three months of additional chores once the parental units caught up to your scheme.( Good luck on ever seeing those keys)

7 You should never have asked your mother “Don’t you think that dress is a little out of style.” If you did, at best your mother will go change but not talk to your for the rest of the day. At worst, you will be subjected to a long lecture about all the things your mother gave up so that you could have the most up to date clothing. (She is probably right you ungrateful dependent you)

6 You should never have asked your mother “Can you and dad leave while my friends come over?” If you did, at best you will get a firm “No” in response. At worst, you will be delighted to have your parents sitting in the very room where you and your friends are gathering. (Your worst nightmare has come true)

5 You should never have called your mother on April Fools Day asking “Come bail me out of jail?” If you did, at best a cold cloth applied by dad worked to revive her. At worst, the joke will have backfired to the point where your mom still thinks there was something behind it. (Not nice to play high stakes jokes on your worried mom)

4 You should never have asked your mother to bake cupcakes for the soccer team the night before the event. If you did, at best the cupcakes were made but you owed your mom big time. At worst, the cakes were made but you were so tired from helping you had the worst game ever. (Notice in each case the cakes got made?)

3 You should never have asked your mother to give you lunch money instead of packing a lunch since all the cool kids buy their lunch. If you did, at best you got the money but also a discussion about proper nutrition and peer pressure. At worst, you didn’t get the money and now find your lunch consists of every food you can’t stand including a lot of fruits. (Mom’s way of telling you to quit trying to be part of the in crowd.)

2 You should have never asked your mother to tell a fib about where you were when your stood up date called to talk to you. If you did, at best your mother simply hands the phone to you. At worst, your mother tells your date that you are not interested in talking. (The truth will ice that relationship. Won’t it?)

1 You should have never asked your mother to babysit your kids. If you did, at best all had an excellent time. At worst, your mother doesn’t want to return them to you.

Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year

~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

Christmas packages

 

This list is inspired by watching seventy plus Holidays come and go with some mixed results on gifting both giving and receiving.

Top Ten Things Not to Give as a Present This Year

10 This year do not give anyone a fruitcake. If you do, at best it will find its way into the city recycling center. At worst, it will come back to you next year just a little bit harder than when last gifted. (Sure it looked good in the catalog.?

9 This year do not give anything that has “as seen on TV” printed on the package. If you do, at best the recipient will know you shopped in the drugstore. At worst, the gadget will be responsible for taking out the recipient’s electrical system. (You didn’t see that recall notice did you?)

8 This year do not give Scandinavian cookies in a metal tin. If you do, at best the made in USA label will give away the lack of an imported gift. At worst, the cookies will taste like overpriced Little Debbie vanilla wafers. (How’s that stuck to the roof of the mouth feeling working out for your recipient?)

7 This year do not give frozen mail order steaks. If you do, at best the steaks will be received by a vegan. At worst, the steaks will arrive in time to sit on the porch between Christmas and New Years while your recipient is skiing in Telluride. (They never said they were going out-of-town did they?)

6 This year do not give fruit gifts. If you do, at best whatever you choose is hated by 75% of the people in the recipient’s household. At worst, the gift you choose arrives during the worst snowstorm in one hundred years and won’t show up until spring. (Man, those pears sure didn’t freeze well did they?)

5 This year do not give personal grooming devices. If you do, at best the recipient will wonder your intent. At worst, you may get a call from the recipients lawyer who is talking generalities about severe damage to very personal areas. (The ad said it was perfectly safe, and you believed it right?)

4 This year do not give a box of chocolate covered cherries. If you do, at best they will cause the recipient to choke on the first and throw the rest away. At worst, the recipient will be so depressed by the lack of thought the entire box will be eaten, and the recipient admitted to the ER with symptoms of a glucose overdose. (It seemed like a good idea while you were getting your prescription filled. Didn’t it?)

3 This year do not give a discount coupon for a day spa visit. At best, you will broadcast how cheap you are. At worst the day spa is running discounts because their service sucks. (Can you say toe fungus without cringing?)

2 This year do not give anything that designed to be worn under clothes. If you do, at best you will raise a question regarding the need. At worst, the size will be all wrong, and it won’t matter if you chose too small or too large the result will be the same. (Did you have a few drinks at that trunk show or are you just an idiot?)

1 This year so not give anything that you bought on an impulse just to have a gift to give. If you do, at best you will have difficulty explaining why that particular gift. At worst, you will probably overspend for something that has no thought behind it. (That will be your payback for procrastinating your search for a gift.)