The Top Ten Questions You Should Never Answer

August 24, 2015August 23, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

The inspiration for this list came from observing everyday life and watching others fall into a dark pit for no other reason than attempting to answer a dangerous, politically incorrect or impossible question.

Top Ten Questions You Should Never Answer

10 If you are asked, “How do I look?” do not answer the question. If you do, at best you only have a 50% chance of being right which is also a 50% chance of being wrong. At worst, the person who asked the question knows they look awful and now picks a fight with you for misleading them. (Your credibility is now null and void. Good luck with the comforting an old friend excuse.)

9 If you are asked, “Have you been drinking?” do not answer. If you do, at best your answer will not be credible. At worst, if you do answer yes you might have some explaining to do and if you answer no you better be telling the truth. (So what was it that made you trip over the footstool on your way to bed?)

8 If you are asked, “Where did this new car dent come from?” do not answer. If you do, at best your “I don’t know,” will require the need to relay your exact itinerary for the day. At worst, you will be forced to endure an agonizing lecture on how to park and drive a car to prevent it from being dented. ( Lesson one: Shopping carts are car magnets)

7 If you are asked, “Would you like to donate to an organization,” do not answer. If you do, at best you will sound mean-spirited if you say no. At worst, those around you will take into account your clothes and appearance before deciding you must be the winner of the cold heart person of the year award. (They will talk out loud while they deliberate)

6 If you are asked, “Would you mind watching our dog for a few hours?” do not answer. If you do, at best your friendship will be made or lost on the answer. At worst, little Fido happens to have a rare spastic colon that unfortunately for you just decided to attack the poor thing in your white living room. (Which the owners totally forgot to mention.)

5 If you are asked, “Would you like that order supersized?” do not answer. If you do, at best you will hate yourself either way. At worst, it will be a week or two before the supersized feeling has worked its way out of your mind and onto your body. (No is the hardest word.)

4 If you are asked, “What size do you wear?” do not answer. If you do, at best your underestimate will be a laughable moment for the store personnel. At worst, the continued suggestion that you try a larger size will point out how much you have been kidding yourself on the need for reform. (A terrible realization after all.)

3 If you are asked, “Is this seat taken?” do not answer. If you do, at best a yes answer will eventually be proven wrong making you a petty unsociable. At worst, the person will decide to take the seat no matter what you say and will now consider you a nut case if you said yes. (If you said no you have invited company who will talk your ear off for the next ten stops.)

2 If you are asked “Where are you from?” do not answer. If you do, at best the person asking is from the same place, and you now have a new unwanted BFF. At worst, the new BFF decides to go through the list of possible people each of you knows, and you realize that it might be hours before the list is complete. (And because you answered the question you are too polite to tell the person to bug off.)

1 If you are asked “Would you like to go out?” do not answer without thinking. If you do and say yes, at best you’ll need to follow through no matter how dim the prospect. At worst, you say no and unbeknownst to you the person asking is a certified psychopath who made the decision to stop taking the medication that has helped keep the aggressive tendencies in check. (You now have a spurned non-medicated psychopath wanting to walk you home.)

Top Ten Things to Never Ever Say Out Loud

August 17, 2015August 16, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 43 Comments

I've Got a Big Mouth — I’ve Got a Big Mouth Photo http://www.winwes.com

This list was inspired by hearing many things said in an out loud voice that would have been better kept to the inside. Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things to Never Ever Say Out Loud

10 Never say out loud, “When is your baby due?” If you do, at best the person will give you a time of expected delivery but a frown for asking a personal question. At worst, you will be apologetic for making the assumption of motherhood when, in fact, the person has a different condition that the non-recognition of same requires numerous hits about your head and body. (And you thought that umbrella was on account of the rain forecast)

9 Never say out loud, “Do you smell something?” If you do, at best those around you will wrinkle their nose and assume you are an animal. At worst, big Brutus who is behind you will think you are making fun of the fact that he works on an oil rig that will become apparent to you on your way to the ER. (Brutus has some sensitivity about smelling like oil although he has not mastered the art of bathing)

8 Never say out loud, “It’s my turn.” If you do, at best you will have someone choosing to disagree. At worst, the crowd behind you in line will sense the insecurity of such a statement and push forward in an attempt to eliminate your position in line. (You should not say it even if the clerk asks “Who’s next?”)

7 Never say out loud, “My you have a healthy appetite” If you do, at best you will call attention to the fact that the person ate quite a bit. At worst, you will demonstrate your lack of social grace and someone might hand you a well-deserved knuckle sandwich. (Which will be 100% fat-free.)

6 Never say out loud, “Is that appropriate wear for a date?” If you do, at best you might be responsible for the opening salvo of a great teen war. At worst, you might be told that what is worn is no body’s business and what are you going to do about it. (The next move and ultimate fault for the episode is yours.)

5 Never say out loud, “You out of razors?” If you do, at best there will be some additional comment about you not liking a particular look. At worst, you will come to understand that razor use is now part of certain banned behaviors of a back to nature group. (That you had no idea existed before now.)

4 Never say out loud, “I hear you’re in Weight Watchers.” If you do, at best you can expect an unwelcome comment about your weight. At worst, you could be on the receiving end on an invitation to engage in an unnatural act with yourself. (And we are not talking about spanking.)

3 Never say out loud, “Did you have a choice of color?” If you do, at best the subject of your humor will not laugh with you. At worst, you might be on the receiving end of some very critical comments about your lavender colored Ford Focus. (And you know you had a choice.)

2 Never say out loud, “Your children are certainly a handful aren’t they?” If you do, at best you will have precipitated a great test of will on the part of the parent. At worst, you will understand what it is like to pick on a baby bear cub. (Running up a tree is probably the best solution.)

1 Never say out loud. “You don’t eat meat. What’s wrong with you?” If you do, at best those who don’t eat meat will avoid you like the plague. At worst, several members of the Professional Vegan Wrestler Society will provide a free message, and you will agree there is nothing wrong with people who choose to avoid eating meat. (Admit it you never felt so relaxed and possibly so paralyzed.)

Ten Things Not to Do On a Monday

August 10, 2015August 8, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

This list was inspired by facing Monday over 3800 times so far. Each and everyone was a little different, and it was not because of the day but rather because of the day before. Hope you enjoy it.

Ten Things Not to Do On a Monday

10 On Monday, do not bustle into the office as if you don’t have a hangover. If you do, at best you will broadcast your desperate condition. At worst, you may just burn out by ten o’clock and will have a rough time explaining how you managed to sleep at your desk until after everyone went home. (And you were drooling too)

9 On Monday, do not go into your boss’s office with a demand for higher pay. If you do, at best you can expect a locked door next time. At worst your boss is fighting a bad headache, and you are now considered a pain in another part of the body. (We are too gentrified to mention what that part is)

8 On Monday, do not get near fellow workers. If you do, at best they will thank you for moving further away given the garlic fumes from your midnight Caesar salad that surround you. At worst, you will confirm to them you just had to have one more round of fire water before last call at 2:00 am. (Funny how two hours of sleep and gallons of coffee won’t get rid of the alcohol vapor)

7 On Monday, do not use a laser pointer during your presentation. If you do, at best your shaking hands will be magnified by the frantic little dot moving around the screen. At worst, you will accidentally point the laser out the window just in time to catch the eye of a 747 pilot on final approach to the airport. (The next thing you will face is an interrogation by Homeland Security)

6 On Monday, do not volunteer to be homeroom, parent. If you do, at best the kids will whisper to the teacher you smell funny. At worst, as you realize you need to visit the restroom, quick you stumble over little Johnny sliding into the hallway and involuntarily render the trip to the restroom redundant. (You also notice how each child can say “eeewww” at a different pitch. (And you thought there would be no teaching moment out of the situation)

5 On Monday, do not meet with friends unless they were with you the night before. If you do, at best they will not understand your current state. At worst, since they are friends, you can expect an interdiction even though you think you will live. (As luck would have it you decided you were going to live after that first glass of wine)

4 On Monday, do not operate any dangerous equipment. If you do, at best you will harm the machinery and not yourself. At worse, you will be screaming for help as the piece of equipment you forgot to turn off heads down the street. (Don’t worry a runaway steamroller can’t cause much harm)

3 On Monday, do not walk the dogs. If you do, at best you will forget where you live. At worst, the dogs will sense some weakness and will take the opportunity to haul you on your stomach through the neighborhood in pursuit of the neighbor’s cat. (Too bad you put on your best outfit for the presentation this morning)

2 On Monday, do not take the carpool to work. If you do, at best you will be asked a hundred questions about your appearance. At worst, your fellow carpoolers will decide to let you off after a couple of miles, and you’ll have to make your way to work anyway. (And you thought that dime store cologne was going to cover up your night before reek)

1 On Monday, do not get out of bed. If you do, at best your college try will get you an F. At worst, you will expose yourself to any one of the nine things on this list. (Trust me it is safer in bed)

Top Ten Things Not to do on a Sunday

August 3, 2015August 3, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 43 Comments

The inspiration for this list came from spending over 3800 Sundays so far and not making the best decisions always on how to spend the day. Now that this is Monday maybe there is enough time to plan for next week. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to do on a Sunday

10 On a Sunday, do not clean out the garage. If you do, at best you will only rearrange the junk since trash day is at the end of the week. At worst, you will find several long-lost repair projects that you totally forgot to finish.(Hiding them again may not be practicable)

9 On a Sunday, do not use a leaf blower. If you do, at best your neighbors will call upon the Almighty to forgive you. At worst, the person next door who you thought was a minister turns out to be a coven leader and has drawn a funny symbol on your front lawn. (You begin to notice the hair on the back of your hands getting thicker)

8 On a Sunday, do not pack up the family for a drive in the country. If you do, at best you will be carting several sullen children with you. At worst, you will be sitting in traffic for hours. (And you have yet to enter the freeway.)

7 On a Sunday, do not go to the grocery store. If you do, at best you’ll be wondering why all these people can’t shop during the week while you are working. At worst, you will make a comment to someone named Brutus who just happens to be unemployed and who decides you need a lesson in manners.(You notice his fist is the size of your head just as the lights go out.)

6 On a Sunday, do not think you can go to the park for a picnic at the last-minute. If you do, at best you will enjoy your lunch in the car. At worst, you will try to sneak a spot next to the Smith Family Reunion sign only to discover the Smiths have their own Hell’s Angles chapter. (And your Ralph Lauren cap is now part of a keep away game.)

5 On a Sunday, do not think you can check out with a six-pack of beer before the lawful time. If you do, at best you will win a bunch of friends as the line comes to a halt waiting for the manager to void the sale. At worst, the loudspeaker announcement of “Alcohol violation on register seven,” will have the entire store in stitches knowing by looking at you that you aren’t trying to pass a fake ID. (But are just plain dumb)

4 On a Sunday, do not go any distance without checking to see if your destination is open. If you do, at best you will have given the family a ride in the country. At worst, you will have a full mutiny on your hands that will take some ice cream volleys to quell. (Not to mention the loss of leadership respect.)

3 On a Sunday do attempt to take a nap before you check with everyone to see if they need anything. If you do, at best everyone will need something. At worst they will need something, and you are the only person who knows the location of the something. ( The request will come in one at a time.)

2 On a Sunday, do not invite the whole family to your house for pot luck dinner. If you do, at best a few will pass and there will be enough to go around. At worst, all will attend, and most will have forgotten to bring anything other than an enormous appetite. (Not to mention a 102-degree temperature and runny noses.)

1 On a Sunday, do not try an experimental recipe that you found in the Sunday supplement. If you do, at best you will be substituting some ingredients that you did not have on hand to mixed results. At worst, the mixed results were manifest in several of your household members rushing quickly from the table. (With the sound of large quantities of running water covering a number of noises)

Top Ten Thing Not to Do if You Live at a Vacation Destination

July 20, 2015July 21, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments

This list has been inspired by observing the interaction between vacationers and locals at some vacation destinations in which I have found myself as a resident. Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do If You Live in a Vacation Destination

10 If you live in a vacation destination, do not honk your horn at the drivers who habitually go ten miles below the speed limit. If you do, at best they will go even slower. At worst, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a very frustrated lost out of towner with a car full of kids and someone asking “if we should have stopped and asked directions.” (And they might just have their semi-automatic weapon collection along for the ride.)

9 If you live in a vacation destination, do not put off grocery shopping until the end of the week. If you do, at best you will be able to check out before your ice cream is liquefied. At worst, you will have spent three hours fighting out of towners for items on your list only to find you lost a majority of the battles. (And the last six-pack of beer went to an immense guy named Tiny. ( At least that’s what the tattoo you read on the fingers of his fist said before you passed out.)

8 If you live in a vacation destination, do not drive your car downtown between Thursday and Sunday night. If you do at best, your round trip will be several hours. At worst, you will be forced to sleep overnight in your car since you parked in the only spot available only to find all the streets have been closed to traffic until dawn (And you didn’t bring a toothbrush,)

7 If you live in a vacation destination, do not plan to have dinner out from May 30^th until September 2^nd. If you do, at best you will be disappointed with the quality and service. At worst, you will be served hours after you order and will receive a meal lower than fast food quality and priced like Michelin Four Star. (And you ran out of things to talk about an hour before.)

6 If you live in a vacation destination, do not look forward to a peaceful summer. If you do at best, you will finally give up and stay inside. At worst, you will become known to the police as “that crank with no sense of humor.” (And even get a busy signal on a 911 call).

5 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think by being rude to the visitors somehow they will never come back. If you do, at best you will receive some rudeness in return. At worst, you may just be rude to the wrong person and end up looking like a raccoon. (Tough to explain as well)

4 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think everyone picks up after themselves. If you do, at best you will become disillusioned quickly. At worst, you will find yourself explaining to the police why you are threatening out of towners with a litter pick up stick. (And they have their Tasers at the ready)

3 If you live in a vacation destination, do not even think of going to the Dairy Queen. If you do, at best all your cones will look like shakes. At worst, your blood pressure will hit overdrive as you watch the two clerks try to handle one hundred customers. (And you wonder why management is surprised by a rush of business during vacation time)

2 If you live in a vacation destination, do not give anyone permission to park in your driveway just for a moment. If you do, at best you will not be able to get out for a few hours. At worst, you will have the vacationers in your driveway for two weeks. (And the car is locked)

1 If you live in a vacation destination, do not casually mention the idea people should visit. If you at best you will only get a few who will take you up on your “offer.” At worst, you will have a houseful of permanent residents, and you’ll be lucky if you even know them. (And they remind you of being out of beer.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Fair

July 13, 2015July 11, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 32 Comments

Since it is summer, and there are a number of fairs and carnivals I thought it would be a good idea to provide a list of things not to do in case you plan on visiting one or more. The inspiration for this list is some fair visits and watching a number of people do what should not be done. Hope you enjoy

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Fair.

10 If you go to the fair and must take a shuttle from the parking lot, do not start singing the Trolley Song from Meet me in St Louis. If you do, at best the crowd will groan at the cliché. At worst, you will forget the words beyond “clang clang clang went the trolley” and look like an idiot. (Hint its “ding ding ding went the bell”)

9 If you go to the fair, do not put your kids on leashes as if they were pets. If you do, at best you will find folks tripping over the lines. At worst, the kids may decide to play as if they are dogs and lift a leg at an inopportune time.

8 If you go to the fair, do not walk around while stuffing your face with fair goodies. If you do, at best you might not notice the ketchup running down your arm and alarm others who think you’ve been wounded. At worst, you’ll resemble some of the exhibits in the swine barn. (The plus side you might win a ribbon)

7 If you go to the fair, do not fall for the deep-fried novelties booth. If you do, at best you will hate yourself in the morning. At worst, you will jeopardize your expensive dental work on the deep-fried Snickers bar. (On second thought it might be worth it)

6 If you go to the fair, do not pay money to have someone guess your weight. If you do, at best even if the guesser is wrong the world now knows how much you weigh. At worst, the guesser will get your weight exactly right and, unfortunately, will announce to the crowd that he wasn’t sure, so he added ten pounds to his guess. (And you did not get a kupee doll)

5 If you go to the fair, do not ride the ride where everyone is screaming. If you do, at best you will get a sore throat from your own screaming. At worst, you will make a complete fool out of yourself crying and begging the operator to let you off. (And this is before the ride starts)

4 If you go to the fair, do not think the house of fun is fun. If you do, at best you will be surprised at all the screaming and find it is you. At worst, you will have trouble holding onto that 32-ounce big gulp you just finished. (And it’s not the cup we are talking about)

3 If you go to the fair, do not think you will win a lot of stuffed animals at the midway. If you do, at best you will finally figure out the games are not winnable by ordinary people. At worst, you will spend way more that the value of the animal you eventually win. (Of course you can always keep trying and invest enough that you could have used to buy a car)

2 If you do to the fair, do not announce in a loud voice how stinky you think the barns smell. If you do, at best you might get a few frowns. At worst, you might be invited outside for a chat by Daniel Yoder the national tractor throwing champ. (He will want to find out what part of cow poop you don’t like)

1 If you go to the fair, and hear the word “stampede” do not stand there and wonder what it means. If you do, at best the herd will take the next aisle. At worst, you will be faced with a bunch of panicked cows or horses who will be more than happy to continue the same course whether you are in the way or not. (Those hooves are hard)

Top Ten Things Not to do at a High School Reunion

July 6, 2015July 5, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 39 Comments

This list is as a result of seeing some high school reunion photos and messages on a number of social media sites. I have never attended a high school reunion, so the information captured here has been matters of here say and recounting of others about their reunion.

Top Ten Thing Not to do at a High School Reunion

10 If you attend a high school reunion, do not pose for photos that you don’t know where they will end up. If you do at best, the photos will only be traded among classmates. At worst, they will end up on the “what the not to wear, eat, or drink” website.(Which will go viral and you’ll be getting calls from the Today show to appear on their segment called EXCESS)

9 If you attend a high school reunion, do not pretend to be what you are not. If you do, at best your little fib will be seen as a joke. At worst, your profile on the class newsletter will be featured under the title Most Successful Grad. (Which will be picked up by the news services and published by your newspaper)

8 If you attend a high school reunion, do not bring a date that you do not know simply because they are beautiful. If you do, at best your charade will be found out early with no consequences. At worst, your date will discover the true reason you brought them and will make an exit and a scene remembered for the next five reunions. (Only you passing away will halt the story telling)

7 If you attend a high school reunion, do not rent an expensive car for your grand entrance. If you do, at best you will look overly anxious to impress and get the opposite reaction. At worst, the valet will take your rental car for a spin and inadvertently leave the side chrome on the street fleeing a hit and run accident. (Which you will easily be able to explain to the judge)

6 If you attend a high school reunion, do not try to hide the fact that you don’t remember everyone’s name. If you do, at best you will look like a fool trying to check name tags without being caught. At worst, you will call someone by a different name, and the name will be associated by that person to an old flame or rival. (You will have lots a bunch of points on that one)

5 If you attend a high school reunion, do not take this time to argue fine points about your grades with your old teachers. If you do, at best the teachers will wish they had flunked you. At worst, one of them may remember you failed to turn in that assignment in the eleventh grade that will require you to repeat the course and nullify your high school diploma. (Try explaining that to your boss)

4 If you attend a high school reunion, do not think your old flame wants to begin where you left off just by smiling at you. If you do, at best you will be embarrassed to learn they are happily married. At worst, you will be a little too forward thinking all is forgiven only to be arrested as you leave the building for assault. ( Gotta remember no means no)

3 If you attend a high school reunion, do not assume the free drinks at the bar carry no consequences. If you do, at best you may exhibit a little tipsiness that everyone will think is cute. At worst, you will have the honor and resulting infamy of passing out on top of the Congratulations Class cake. (The clothes you’re wearing belong to your roommate as well.)

2 If you go to a high school reunion, do not offer to be part of the planning committee for the next one. If you do, at best everyone will forget your offer. At worst, you will be appointed chairperson with all the rights and responsibilities to make the nest one the best ever. (You will also want to get a Xanax prescription)

1 If you go to a high school reunion do not tell everyone you meet that “we must get together.” If you do at best, they will all wonder if you are having a breakdown. At worst, the ones you least want to see will stay in touch long enough to cop a free overnight on their way through your town. (Plus they have some kind of foot infection that requires you to burn your sheets when they leave)

Top Ten Things Not to do on July Fourth

June 29, 2015June 28, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Since this weekend is the Fourth of July holiday, I hunted my archives to find last year’s list so I could just duplicate it and call it a day. I found out very quickly that I didn’t do a fourth of July top ten list last year or the year before or ever. So as if to imitate the old saying “work is the curse of the drinking class” I had to get on the keyboard and create something. I hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do on July Fourth

10 On July, Fourth do not keep saying Happy Birthday America since everyone knows that. If you do, at best you will get repeated eye rolls (suspect you wouldn’t care). At worst, you will notice yourself alone much of the day.

9 On July, Fourth do not bake a cake and put candles on top. If you do, at best no one will be able to blow them out. (There are supposed to be 239 of them not including the one to grow on) At worst, you will find someone to blow them out along with the side wall of your dining room.

8 On July Fourth do not think beer was made to be rendered extinct. If you do, at best your body will give you some dramatic warning signs that it is time to go home. At worst you will ignore those signs and have some lovely “did I really say that?” moments the next day.

7 On July Fourth do not think you can avoid the kiddie tricycle parade (especially if your next door neighbor is the organizer). If you do, at best your kids will think you should be turned into the government as an anarchist (they won’t know what that means) At worst, the Homeland Security Agent will find the story very amusing while he fills out your extradition papers to Guantanamo.

6 On July, Fourth do not put red, white and blue food dye in anything. (Although it might be tempting) If you do, at best your party goers will look like the before photo of the Orthodontist. At worst someone will laugh out loud at a joke just after a full gulp of your doctored brew in front of your new white silk couch. (You can imagine how the red, white and blue through the nose pattern spray effect do not go with the glove gray chair and ottoman.

5 On July, Fourth do not invite your boss to your house for a cookout. If you do, at best no matter what you cook they will be allergic to it. At worst the allergy is one of those things that can only be stopped with an emergency ball point pen to the trachea. (Your boss will not take kindly to the blue ink throat tattoo even though it was a lifesaver).

4 On July, Fourth do not be the one to authorize fireworks in front of your house. If you do, at best the rest of the neighborhood will disappear when the police arrive. (Leaving you to explain the smoldering remains of what looks like World War III) At worst, the direction of the fireworks will have a trajectory such that ground zero for landing will be your roof. (Where much excitement and the fire department will be concentrated).

3 On July, Fourth do not volunteer to host the block party this year. If you do at best, you will hope the home makeover will be cheaper this year. At worst, you will be denied a Federal designation of a disaster area and not be eligible for relief funds.

2 On July, Fourth do not allow the grill master to be in charge no matter how many feelings get hurt. If you do, at best the char on everything can be removed with little effect. At worst, you will be calling for pizza delivery right after the call to the fire department.

1 On July, Fourth do not think that a couple of more drinks will not do you any harm. If you do, at best just the fact that you have rationalized a couple more will haunt you tomorrow. At worst, you will wake up tomorrow making the same promise not to do that ever again and asking someone to shoot you. (They won’t of course)

Top Ten Things Not to do In Preparation for a Tropical Storm Named Bill.

June 22, 2015June 21, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

This list is inspired by watching as the community prepares for the landfall of Tropical Storm Bill. Not all of the list were seen on this one storm but have been gathered from a number of sights on similar occasions.

Top Ten Things Not to do In Preparation for a Tropical Storm Named Bill.

10 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not rush to the store to buy week’s worth of paper goods. If you do, at best you might have a slight overstock situation. At worst, your overstock situation could be interpreted as a hoarding disorder which will require family and friend intervention. (Also, if the storm is severe enough you’ll have a lot of soaked paper goods on hand)

9 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not throw a tropical storm party. If you do, at best you will need to house all the party goers until the water recedes from your neighborhood. At worst, you and your guests might end up on your rooftop hoping the water gets no higher and rescue is imminent. (What you don’t know is the rescue crew has set low priority on large groups who obviously should know better and have been over served)

8 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not count on beer as having enough liquid potential as to replace water in your precious reserves. If you do, at best you might have a hard time staying hydrated and coherent at the same time. At worst, you may find yourself trading family heirlooms for a cold bottle of water.

7 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not count on items run by electricity for safety and comfort. If you do, at best you will only have a few hours of power outage. At worst, the power will be out for an unreasonable amount of time and so your battery driven items will go dark. (You may not miss Candy Crush but look out when it is time to call 911)

6 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not ignore the weather warnings. If you do, at best you may find it inconvenient when you can’t get around since you are not prepared. At worst, the sound of your roof going airborne will come as quite a shock along with the need to swim for your life.

5 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not drive through water that is over the road and you do not know how deep. If you do, at best you will make it across and only have wet feet. At worst, you and your car will give new meaning to the term “amphibian vehicle”. (Don’t forget cars do not float forever)

4 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not continue to play outside when it is lightning. If you do, at best your game will be played with a sense of worry. At worst, you and your fellow players will collect enough jolts to qualify as an independent power source for the local utility.(They will thank you at the memorial service)

3 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not think following instructions by city authorities is for sissies. If you do, at best, the storm will make landfall in someone else’s front yard. At worst, you will be battered a bruised and dependent on the care of those you thought so cowardly. (And they had to stay around to take care of you)

2 If you are faced with a tropical storm and are told to evacuate, do not try to leave with everything you ever owned. If you do, at best your possessions will take valuable space needed for water and food. At worst, you will not be able to keep all these things with you and will eventually have to off-load them at the side of the road. (If left in the house chances are they would be perfectly safe)

1 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not lose your calm. If you do, at best your example will cause others to be concerned. At worst, once everything is normal again your behavior will be one of the stand-out events of the whole experience. (And no one will leave it alone)

Top Ten Things Not to do at a Wedding

June 15, 2015June 15, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 39 Comments

Since June is wedding month, I can’t let it pass without making some comments on what we should all avoid if we are in a wedding, invited to a wedding or are getting married. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to do at a Wedding (no matter who you are)

10 If you are a wedding guest, do not be tempted to pick up and shake a few of the wedding presents to see if there are sets of china or appliances inside. If you do, at best those observing you will know you bought a cheap gift or none at all. At worst, you will be asked to step away from the gifts by a large man with the word SECURITY above his left pocket. He also happens to be the brother of one of the celebrants, and you are now busted since he assumes you are looking to pick out one to go.

9 If you are a parent of the celebrants, do not tell anyone how you feel about one not being good enough for your child. If you do, at best you will be confiding with someone who knows the other and has not met yours and can’t wait to report your indiscretion. At worst, you might be told to mind your own business and quite possibly followed by a knuckle sandwich (hold the mayo).

8 If you are a second in a wedding, do not think your job is to complain about every detail of the process and how much the whole thing cost you in air travel and clothes. If you do, at best people will assume the only reason you are in the wedding party is because you are family. (Weather you are or not) At worst, you will add a degree of declassee to the event and will not be forgotten when it comes time to remember the most idiotic attendees.

7 If you are the best person, do not think your toast needs to have several cringe moments including a detail description of the past fiancées. If you do, at best the wedding guests will think your humor is a little bizarre. At worst, it will be assumed you are drunk and out of control that should prompt an intervention placing you in the back of the Quiet Acres van on your way to rehab.

6 If you are the person of honor, do not think your toast has to include rapid hand fanning and a bunch of tears. If you do, at best the room will pray you faint quickly. At worst, you started without a tissue, and now the streaked mascara and runny nose have cleared out the tables within a ten-foot radius.

5 If you are officiating the wedding ceremony, do not think you can rely on the notes when it comes time to say the names of the celebrants. If you do, at best you will stumble on the names as you have lost your place in the written word and demonstrate how shallow you are. At worst, you will be using last week’s notes and continue to call the celebrants by names that you have an indication are not correct but hope were close to the real thing (hint they’re not)

4 If you are the caterer of a wedding, do not think you can cut corners the day of the event to increase the bottom line. If you do, at best you will be able to substitute for the few things you are short. At worst, you will have the luck to cater the wedding of a family of lawyers and will be fighting the lawsuit of breach of contract for the next ten years wishing all the time you had settled out of court.

3 If you are a musician at a wedding, do not think your usual twenty-minute set break each hour will be tolerated by the marriage guests. If you do, at best you will have several of them with you requesting songs no matter where you go. At worst, as the evening gets older, you will believe your life is in danger once the music stops. You will be reminded of a pack of wolves surrounding and closing in on the camper as the fire dies. You keep playing.

2 If you are the venue manager of a wedding, do not think there will be no problem asking everyone to leave at the appointed hour. If you do, at best your encounter with overserved wedding guests will be loud and unpleasant. At worst, you will be barricaded in your office praying the SWAT team arrives before the angry mob does what was subtly suggested when someone yelled “let’s string ’em up.”

1 If you are a server at a wedding, do not think you will get rich on the tips. If you do, at best you will realize that people attending a free event think everything’s free. At worst, the tips you counted on receiving you already spent and you will now need to work another job to offset the lost revenue. (Of course you could turn into a pickpocket. Naw that’s not right.)