Top Ten Things Not to do On Your First Anniversary

June 30, 2014June 29, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

Here is the 52nd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

The Top Ten Things Not to do On Your First Anniversary

If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not think your spouse will find it funny if you pretend to forget your wedding date. If you do pretend to forget, at best your spouse will forgive you after you’ve recited a dozen mea culpas and treated your spouse to a romantic candlelit dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town. At worst, your spouse will demand, in addition to the mea culpas and romantic dinner, you be solely responsible for cleaning out your cat’s litter box until your second wedding anniversary.
If it is your first wedding anniversary, do not assume your spouse will want to celebrate the anniversary with all your family, friends, and the same people at your wedding. If you do, at best your spouse will grudgingly put up with a crush and noise of partygoers. At worst, your spouse will commit a disappearing act (sneaking out of the house to have that nice, quiet dinner your spouse really wanted), leaving you to be solo host, as well as clean-up crew after the party.
If it is your first work anniversary, do not think you should necessarily expect some congratulations from your boss and coworkers. At best, you will get some recognition for having stayed in the job for a year since no one else (including your boss) has, an insight which might cause you to start looking for another job. At worst, you try to throw your own party during lunch time in the conference room which coincides with your boss’s own planned luncheon with the CEO, CFO, CIO, and COO, and you wind up playing caterer to them since you are now too embarrassed to admit the food was for your own party.
If it is your first work anniversary, do not insist on going to the most expensive restaurant to celebrate with your boss and coworkers. If you do, at best, no one will complain about the fact that all any of them (except your boss) can afford is the Caesar salad and a glass of ice water. At worst, in honor of your anniversary, your boss will publicly suggest you pay the bill for the entire table since your anniversary grants you a 1.0% raise which, after taxes, translates to a 0.3% raise which after a year will cover the cost of the meal.
If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think your significant other will be unaware of the fact. If you do, at best, your significant other will accept your apologies for forgetting and you make a promise to yourself not to forget the second anniversary. At worst, your significant other will accept your apologies and then suggest perhaps it’s time to see other people, letting you know in no-uncertain terms there will not be a second anniversary.
If it is the first anniversary of your first date, do not think a simple greeting card will be enough to celebrate the event. If you do, at best, your significant other will simply sigh and make arrangements for a nice dinner at the restaurant where you had your first date. At worst, your significant other will make reservations at a very expensive restaurant you’ve always wanted to go but never had the money and then after dessert tell you its time for you both to see other people. For the cherry on top, your significant other will abruptly leave, grabbing the foil wrapped coq au vin, but leaving the check which, of course, you cannot pay except with long hours of dishwashing.
If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think no one will care if you ignore the event. If you do, at best, your readers will likely be confused when you start writing posts beginning “When I began blogging over a year ago ….”since it’s fairly common to celebrate such an event and they won’t understand why you didn’t. At worst, you’ll be out spotlighted into shame by your fellow bloggers who go ahead and post about their first-year anniversary while you sit and watch their readership grow as yours sinks.
If it is your first blogging anniversary, do not think you can crowdsource your way to a fancy restaurant to celebrate. If you do, at best, you’ll gain enough for a tip and your readers will just shake their heads over your impudence and continue to read your blog anyway. At worst, a number of fellow bloggers will show up at a fancy restaurant expecting you to share your crowdsourced meal for one with all of them, forcing you to eventually crowdsource to get enough money to pay the bill so you don’t have to wash the restaurant’s dishes for the next month.
If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not think it would be gauche to promote the hell out of it on your important day. If you do, at best, an ardent fan will realize the date and promote your book for you, giving you an uptick in sales which you otherwise would not have had. At worst, you miss your window of opportunity and your post-first anniversary sale bombs since no one understands what a year and a day anniversary is all about.
If it is the first anniversary of your book, do not hesitate to promote the hell out of it on that important day. If you do hesitate, at best, you’ll get a lukewarm response of increased sales from your lukewarm effort. At worst, your promotion will be so tepid none of your readers will understand what you are promoting and miss the opportunity to purchase your book at less than the cost of a tall skinny Vanilla latte.

I am saddened by Marie Ann Bailey’s announcement that she will not be continuing as a collaborator on this feature. Her plate is full and needs to devote more time to other priorities. Since this post is the first year anniversary of our collaboration I think I forgot a gift and she believes it is time to see other people. I will miss her collaboration but will retain her friendship. Plans to continue are in place and you can read about them on Wednesday.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Presence of a Camera

June 23, 2014June 22, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

Here is the 51st installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When in the Presence of a Camera

10. If you are tempted to take a selfie (why, we don’t know) to show your friends your new tan lines, do not send the picture to anyone. If you do, at best, you may show too much line. At worst, your picture may make the internet rounds for the next million years.

9. If you are with friends and a picture is being taken, do not stick out your tongue as if you are Miley Cyrus. If you do, at best, you will look as graceful as Miley Cyrus. At worst, like your mom said, “Your face may stick that way.”

8. If you are tempted to take a selfie in the bathroom, do not take a picture until you check the background. If you do, at best, there may be some stray clothes lying around. At worst, that shot of the commode may be enough to get an unexpected visit from the health department and possibly a letter from a concerned citizen about the lid being in the up position.

7. If you are tempted to take a selfie, try to make an expression that does not resemble a duck. If you don’t, at best, you will look like any one of a million selfies. At worst, your lips may be entered in the most obviously botched category at the Botox convention by a well-meaning friend and win.

6. If you are in charge of taking pictures of a friends’ get-together, do not ask everyone to say cheese. If you do, at best, you will have different group photos that look the same. At worst, you will have walking dead expressions and your outing will resemble the before shots at the orthodontist.

5. When posing for a group picture, do not put up two fingers behind the head of the person next to you. If you do, at best, you will ruin what could have been a nice picture. At worst, everyone in the photo will be able to attest that those two fingers represent the number of drinks that it takes to get you blotto.

4. If you have had too much to drink, do not show up in each picture with your red solo cup. If you do, at best, you will have a chronicle of your behavior. At worst, you will document your own downfall and will have to face the inevitable slide show every time you and your friends get together.

3. When taking pictures of the scenic wonders of America, do not take photos from a moving vehicle. If you do, at best, you might catch a tree or two in the blur. At worst, you will have lovely landscape colors that resemble finger paints to show, as a result, of your trip.

2. When trying to capture the romantic nature of the moonlight over the lake, do not use a cell phone camera. If you do, at best, you might get what appears to be a pin head in the night. At worst, you will have a close up view of your fingerprint that can be used as a new form of identification.

1. When taking pictures of pets, children, or anything on the ground, do not stand as tall as you are and take the shot. If you do, at best, you will get shots of little frightened beings resembling something out of The Hobbit. At worst, since you are not down at their level, your angle of attack will produce nothing but tops of the innocent little heads.

Top Ten Things Not to do on a Plane

June 16, 2014June 14, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Here is the 50th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling by Plane

10. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can fake being 75 or older so you won’t have to take off your shoes since you are self-conscious about foot odor. At best, the TSA agents will just roll their eyes as you stoop and shuffle over and then will patiently insist that you remove your shoes since your ID makes it clear that you are not as old as you claim. At worst, the TSA agents will decide that you must have some mental health issues and flag you as someone to be examined in the TSA office which causes you to miss your plane and totally gross out the TSA agents in the small examination room with your smelly feet.

9. When traveling by plane, do not expect that the happy, cooing baby seated behind you will remain happy and cooing once the plane takes off. At best, the parents will attend immediately to the baby whenever it starts to cry. At worst, the parents will ignore the baby, as apparently they always do, and it will be your eardrums which will suffer more from the baby’s ear-splitting screams than from the change in cabin air pressure which is causing the screaming.

8. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the carry-on bag you bought online for half-price will actually fit in an overhead bin. At best, you’ll be the first to wedge your bag into the bin and can ignore the other passengers whose bags are smaller but unable to fit because your bag is so large. At worst, a big guy named Tiny will pull out your bag, drop it in your lap, and put in his own. You’ll be stuck having to check your oversized carry-on at the last-minute unless you foolishly want to argue with Tiny.

7. When traveling by plane, do not think you can escape screaming babies by hiding in the lavatory. If you do, at best, you’ll only face a long line of angry passengers when you finally come out as the plane is preparing to land. At worst, the flight crew will summon an air marshal and forcefully extricate you at a most inconvenient moment.

6. When traveling by plane, do not think you can time your use of the lavatory to coincide with the smoothest part of the flight. At best, you’ll be lucky and only be slightly jostled about on the toilet as the plane hits some minor turbulence. At worst, the plane will hit an air pocket, causing the plane to drop sharply, you to accidentally open the lavatory door as you grab the handle for stability, and the flight crew to be forever marred by an image of your blue water-colored naked bottom half.

5. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the passenger behind you won’t mind if you put your seat all the way back. If you do, at best, that passenger and all the ones behind will be the doing the same thing, causing a strange but convenient domino effect. At worst, the passenger behind you will show displeasure by choosing that time to pitch forward and have a sneezing fit over your head making you wish you had brought an umbrella.

4. When traveling by plane, do not think it would be a fun idea to tease your fellow passenger’s cat while the passenger is in the lavatory. At best, the cat will only hiss and growl as it backs into the corner of the pet taxi when you stick your fingers through the grate. At worst, you’ll have a lot of explaining to do to the flight attendant and your fellow passenger when you ask for help in retrieving your hand from PsychoKitty’s clamped jaw.

3. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can imbibe several alcoholic drinks and somehow be sober when your 10-hour flight ends. At best, the flight attendant will be aware of your naiveté and water down your drinks so you can disembark without assistance. At worst, you drink yourself into a Bermuda Triangle stupor and wake up hours later in a TSA’s office, strapped to a wheelchair and not having answers to the questions being asked by Fritz the head interrogator.

2. When traveling by plane, on your return flight, do not think your fellow passengers will find it amusing if you sing along with the movie Happy Feet, which you’ve seen several times already. At best, all the passengers will choose to use headsets to tune you out. At worst, you just might be faced with a mass passenger mutiny where walking the plank takes on new meaning at thirty-five thousand feet.

1, When traveling by plane, do not pull an Alec Baldwin and insist on taking a cell phone call just when the captain requests that everyone turn off their phones and other electronic devices. At best, a flight attendant will gently but firmly take your phone away from you and refuse to return it until your plane has landed. At worst, the captain and flight crew will pay a personal visit to your seat and escort you off the plane, (after landing if you are lucky) totally ignoring your claim to be a very important person.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Weekend

June 9, 2014June 6, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Here is the 49th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do on the Weekend

10. On the weekend, do not attempt to catch up on all the sleep you missed during the week. If you do attempt, at best, you may miss a few meals. At worst, you might just find Monday morning arriving way too soon.

9. On the weekend, do not try to complete a week’s worth of exercise in one weekend day. If you do, at best, your body will remind you to take it easy next time. At worst, you will need to call EMS to help you out of bed Monday morning.

8. On the weekend, do not try to drink all the beer and margaritas you missed during the week. If you do, at best, you will still feel bad the following Friday. At worst, you could have a monumental lost weekend and wake up naked, restrained to a gurney at the county hospital with no idea how you got there nor how long you’ve been naked.

7. On the weekend do not feel you must fill in every hour with an activity to make up for the sedentary week. If you do, at best, you just might need a vacation after the weekend is over. At worst, you may be in a position to regret not having a stress test a little sooner.

6. On the weekend, do not power shop to make up for the times you were at work during the week. If you do, at best, you may see the end of the available money before the end of the available time to shop. At worst, you ignore the end of the money warning and continue shopping until your credit card company mercifully cuts you off in the most exclusive store.

5. On the weekend, do not do a marathon of chores hoping to catch up on those you missed during the week. If you do, at best, you will run out of daylight before the work is done. At worst, you will run out of energy and be faced with the end of the weekend and the prospect of an exhausted Monday morning.

4. On the weekend, do not try to watch every show you recorded during the week. If you do, at best, you will feel you have worked all weekend just watching TV. At worst, you will show up on Monday with bloodshot eyes and pasty skin leading everyone to believe you were in solitary confinement in jail for the weekend.

3. On the weekend, do not take a little work home with you. If you do, at best, you will have to sneak around to get it done before the family finds out. At worst, your boss will find out you are working during the weekend so the little work will turn into two full days of business as usual.

2. On the weekend, if you are a writer, do not try to not write. If you do, at best, you will become increasingly grumpy until your family locks you in your writing room. At worst, you will be successful in not writing and will be crushed by the guilt of ages simply because you are now two thousand words off your target causing you to change genres from Romance to Horror Fiction.

1. On the weekend, do not forget to find time to relax and recharge. If you do forget, at best, your productivity for the next week will suffer. At worst, your nerves will probably be at the point of shatter and all will let loose when your hapless boss asks you to stay for an hour more on Monday with significantly ugly results.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Pet Sitting

June 2, 2014May 31, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

Here is the 48th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Petsitting for Friends

10. When petsitting your friends’ dog Buster, do not think that running circles in the backyard for five minutes will be adequate exercise. If you do, at best, Buster will be obedient enough to come back inside when you call and thus you will be none the wiser regarding Buster’s pent-up energy nor his overactive bladder. At worst, Buster will refuse to come in and proceed to chase you in circles until you drop from exhaustion or are rescued by a sympatric neighbor whichever comes first..

9. When petsitting your friends’ dog Molly, do not think that while taking Molly for a walk, her friendly and amiable behavior will extend to other dogs. If you do, at best, you’ll have enough upper body strength to keep her from tangling with another dog that is (fortunately for you) leashed to a post in the neighbor’s front yard. At worst, you’ll get tangled up and hauled by Molly stopping only when, the other dog is inches from your face, with the neighbor calling the police because of your inability to control the dog..

8. When petsitting your friends’ dog Jake, do not forget to bring plastic bags with you when you take Jake on a walk. If you do forget, at best, Jake will wait until you are in your friends’ front yard before deciding to do number 2 in front of countless witnesses. At worst, he will pick the most pristine lawn (with the sign Keep Off) in the neighborhood and promptly do number 2 in full view of the owner and you will have to make apologies and promises as you run back to your friends’ house to retrieve the plastic bags and then take a long walk of shame to return and clean up.

7. When petsitting your friends’ dog Bella, do not think you can be late for a visit without dire consequences. If you are late for a visit, at best, Bella will only give you a dirty look when you finally arrive and let her out to do her “business.” At worst, there will be more than a dirty look waiting for you when you finally show up and your friends will ask you where to send the multiple carpet cleaning bills.

6. When petsitting your friends’ dog Hugo and taking him for a walk in a local park, do not think you can ignore the posted leash laws and allow Hugo to run without a leash in the hope that he tires himself out fast and you can go home sooner. At best, you’ll get dirty looks from the other dog walkers who chose to obey the law as well as a dirty dog because Hugo found a small pool of muddy water to play in. At worst, Hugo will take off like a rocket and you will spend hours searching to no avail and then panicking over what to tell your friends only to arrive back at the house in the dark and find Hugo, happy and tired, waiting for you on the front steps along with the animal control officer who followed him there.

5. When petsitting your friends’ cat Princess, do not forget to check the litter box at every visit. If you do forget, at best, Princess will be resourceful enough to find unsoiled spots and allow your nose to alert you to the need to clean the box. At worst, Princess will decide to teach you a lesson and leave you a surprise or two shaped like a Tootsie Roll just inside the front door which you will find under your first step..

4. When petsitting your friends’ cat Tom and seeing that they have a harness and leash for him, do not think taking Tom on a walk will be one way to avoid it needing the litter box (and thus you having to clean it). If you do take Tom on a walk, at best, Tom will spend most of the time lounging in a square of sunshine and be loath to move unless you pick him up and carry him back home. At worst, Tom will see another cat and set off to chase it with unexpected strength, pulling your shoulder out of its socket in the process.

3. When petsitting your friends’ cat, do not think the cat’s nickname—PsychoKitty—is actually a term of endearment and you can caress her to your heart’s content. At best, PsychoKitty will tolerate your petting and you will know enough to stop when you hear a low growl. At worst, you ignore the low growl and quickly find yourself in a situation at the ER where several doctors are required to convince PsychoKitty to release your arm.

2. When petsitting your friends’ cat Milo, do not ignore your friends’ warning that Milo likes to rub against people’s legs when he’s hungry. If you do, at best, you’ll just find it takes longer to get to the kitchen since you have to navigate around Milo’s paws as he loops in and around your legs. At worst, you step on Milo’s paws causing him to emit a banshee-like yowl and you to trip over your own feet, resulting in a face plant on the tiled kitchen floor.

1. When petsitting your friends’ cat Ruby, do not forget your friends’ warning that Ruby likes to lurk on the top of bookcases. If you do, at best, you’ll simply have a few panicked hours of thinking Ruby had gotten out of the house before you finally see her at the top of a bookcase, her eyes mere slits of boredom. At worst, after hours of a panicked search, Ruby will finally make herself known by jumping from the bookcase onto your shoulders, causing you to make face plant on the hardwood floor, where you lie for several minutes convinced you heard Ruby laugh as she ran off of you and jumped back onto the bookcase.

Ten Things Not to Do on Memorial Day (Today)

May 26, 2014May 23, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 10 Comments

Here is the 47th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do On Memorial Day (Today)

10. On Memorial Day, do not accept an invitation to your boss’ house for a picnic even if you think it will be good for your career. If you do, at best, you might just have an awful time. At worst, you might be pressed into service as one of the wait staff.

9. On Memorial Day, do not accept an invitation to your friend’s parents’ house on the lake. If you do, at best, you might be subjected to uncomfortable questions about why you don’t eat potato salad which has been left in the sun for an hour. At worst, you won’t notice the potato salad and end up riding to the ER in an expensive ambulance.

8. On Memorial Day, do not try for the record number of drinks in an hour set by the Legend last year before he died. If you do, at best, you will feel awful the next day. At worst, you just might meet up with the Legend to compare notes.

7. On Memorial Day, do not show the crowd how many hot dogs or anything else you can consume in less than sixty seconds. If you do you, at best, you may get off lucky with just one. At worst, you may eat enough hot dogs causing you to go into a Nitrite coma which takes days to wear off.

6. On Memorial Day, do not try to better any story being told by someone who has served in the military. If you do, at best, you might be actually telling the truth, but will look like a braggart. At worst, you might get in so deep that you will need to join up just to make the stories come true.

5. On Memorial Day, try to resist the beer bong challenge. If you don’t, at best, you will need to find a ride home. At worst, you will have lost all power to reason and the ability to talk which will make great discussion topics for the next day, not to mention the cell phone pictures on Instagram.

4. On Memorial Day, do not offer to light the fireworks display. If you do, at best, you will be contributing to an illegal act in most places. At worst, you may just set off the whole pile and be faced with trying to explain to Homeland Security exactly what your intentions were, hoping you can talk them out of a planned water board session.

3. On Memorial Day, do not decide to join in the volley ball game if you don’t know how to play. If you do, at best, you will slowly learn how to play and eventually stop making points for the other team. At worst, your team mates will decide you need to be eliminated and will hire someone to take you for a long ride out-of-town.

2. On Memorial Day, do not wear any bathing attire which doesn’t fit or is designed for competitive racing. If you do, at best, the rest of the party will try to ignore the sight. At worst, your picture and all the stuff that doesn’t fit in the suit will make the internet rounds on sites titled: “What not to wear in the pool this summer.”

1. On Memorial Day, do not think you need to entertain all your friends with stories of horrific behavior on Memorial Days past. If you do, at best, everyone will eventually walk away as they lose interest and you’ll be left with the Golden Retriever. At worst, someone remembers your antics and is able to top your story with an even more embarrassing tale about you which you may or may not remember.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Trying to Write at Work

May 19, 2014May 16, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 16 Comments

Here is the 46th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Sneak Time to Write at Work (A Special List for Writers Whose Best Hours for Writing Are Between 9 and 5). Special apologies in advance to all those bosses out there who have employees who want to write.

10. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that putting a black curtain across the entry to your cubicle will keep your boss and co-workers at bay. At best, your boss will just think you are being anti-social and enroll you in a workplace team building course. At worst, your boss will hear you typing for once, suspect you of engaging in a double-cross with a competitor, and have company security pay a visit to your cube after hours.

9. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think arranging to work after 5 pm will allow you to play catch-up on the work you should have been doing earlier. At best, you will find out your boss likes to cruise the cubicles and chat after 5 pm, making it difficult for you to concentrate and finish up. At worst, your boss decides to spend the late evening with you in your cubicle, telling you such hair-raising stories about the psychopathic upper management which (although good fodder for your writing) frightens you into giving up trying to sneak time to write at work just so you can spend less time there and more with the psychologist.

8. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not steal your cubicle mate’s sign that says, “Do Not Enter: Breastfeeding in Progress.” At best, you are of the right age and gender to have such a sign on your door, but unless you have a baby, your boss may decide to move you to a low-wall cubicle in the bull pen. At worst, you are not of the right age or gender and your boss, who is renowned for not having a sense of humor, decides to transfer you to the unemployment office.

7. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that you can simply delete your erotic novel after saving your draft to a thumb drive. At best, you gain a small and unknown-to-you bevy of readers in the IT department who eagerly retrieve every installment of your book after you think you have deleted it. At worst, an installment of your novel is secretly emailed to your boss as evidence of your abusing work time and work equipment. Of course, your boss will wait until after you have finished the novel before firing you.

6. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not choose to write during a period of competing deadlines and high activity. At best, you might be able to save and close your Word document safely every time your boss bursts into your office with yet another due-yesterday project. At worst, you become so frazzled by the constant interruptions you inadvertently send your boss a synopsis of your romantic novel when you were supposed to send an Environmental Impact Report on a proposed shopping mall development and now the boss looks at you differently.

5. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that getting to work early (and away from the chaos of your own household) will help you. At best, your colleagues who are already there will soon tire of your constant refusal to hang out with them in the break room until the work day officially starts. At worst, your boss is one of those who also shows up early and decides to take advantage of your presence by sending you more work earlier every day.

4. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think you can gracefully shift from typing like a fiend on your personal laptop to entering data on your work computer whenever someone walks by your office or cubicle. At best, you learn how to position your personal laptop by your work computer so it is out-of-sight and you appear as if you are working. At worst, you eventually develop such a bad case of carpal tunnel syndrome that you have to go on medical leave and abstain from writing altogether.

3. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think simply hiding under your desk with your laptop will be enough to keep your boss from knowing what you are doing. At best, there is already so much keyboarding going on at your workplace that no one even notices the tap-tap-tapping of your laptop as you pound out another short story. At worst, you become so engrossed in your writing, you don’t realize that your tapping is the only sound in the workplace until you stop and peek out from under your desk to see your boss standing in the entry way, resignation letter ready for your signature in hand.

2. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think that you can get away with writing another scene in your comedic screenplay during a staff meeting by making it seem as if you are simply taking notes. At best, another staff is actually delegated to take notes and so your boss just thinks you are being diligent and doesn’t ask you to share. At worst, since you are writing a comedy, you have to frequently stifle laughter which eventually gets the attention of your boss who takes your stifled laughter personally and decides to fire you via an email with the subject: Death of a Salesman.

1. When trying to sneak time to write at work, do not think you can (for long) get away with claiming to have stomach problems and then trying to write on your tablet in the restroom. At best, you will become adept at balancing your tablet on your knees, but the words you type might not be worth the loss of feeling in your bum from sitting on the toilet for too long. At worst, you will learn more about your colleagues’ bathroom habits than any sane person should know, making you really afraid to touch the doorknob on your way out.

Top Ten THings Not to Do With Allergies

May 12, 2014May 10, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 24 Comments

Here is the 45th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You have Allergies
10. When you have allergies, do not offer to house sit for friends with animals. If you do, the best that will happen is your sneezing will cause the animals to hide from you. At worst, you may find yourself in the ER on a respirator trying to remember if you left the front door open.
9. When you have allergies, do not accept an offer to go for a nice ride in the country. If you do at best your nice ride will turn into a sneezing nightmare. At worst your companion will leave you beside the road with your address written on a note pinned to your shirt.
8. When you have allergies, do not eat anything out unless you know the ingredients. If you do, at best you may have to go home early to get some medicine. At worst, you might cause those around you concern as you begin to swell and turn purple as a reaction.
7. When you have allergies, do not volunteer to drive the hay wagon at the school fundraiser. If you do, at best you will be the source of too many “bless you’s.” At worst your sneezing will cause the horses to spook allowing for a runaway wagon and terrified children and adults.
6. When you have allergies, do not leave home without a spare handkerchief or tissues. If you do, at best you will need to use anything at hand to cover a sneezing fit. At worst there will be nothing at hand and you will cause everyone near you to run away in fear since they will assume you have the bubonic plague.
5. When you have allergies, do not think those who do not have allergies will understand your symptoms. If you do, at best you may get some concerned looks when the sneezing hits. At worst you might be trying to explain to the EMS team called by a well-meaning person that you are having an allergy attack.
4. When you have allergies, do not leave your medicine at home even for a short time. If you do, at best you will get by without any symptoms. At worst, you will find yourself curled in the fetal position praying to be spared another sneezing attack.
3. When you have allergies, do not think you can go on a picnic in the woods. If you do, at best you will survive with only sneezing bouts. At worst you will be stung by some strange insect and find you are slowly losing the ability to raise your arms to get your epi-pen.
2. When you have allergies, do not offer to deliver the flowers on special holidays no matter how heavily medicated. If you do, At best you could have a reaction to an unknown flower. At worst you could deliver only the stems after your sneezing caused all the blooms to fly off the bouquet.
1. When you have allergies and are heavily medicated, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best you may injure yourself. At worst, you may just take down one wall too many and have a boss who expects you to pay for the damage.

Top Ten Things Not to Do

May 5, 2014May 2, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 19 Comments

Here is the 44th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Driving in Bad Weather Conditions

10. When driving in heavy rain, do not think it’s a good time to tap into your inner child and race your car through flooded areas of the road. If you do, at best you’ll just irritate the drivers around you who will be splashed in your wake. At worst, your car will stall at the next intersection where you find out that the “water” you were racing through is really the effluent from a broken sewer main.

9. When driving in heavy rain, do not forget to turn on your headlights so your car will be seen by other vehicles. If you do, at best you may just have a couple of near-misses as cars turn abruptly in front of you because they didn’t see your dark gray car approach the intersection through the gray sheet of rain. At worst, you may wind up wishing your car had been a neon pink color instead of dark gray after you get the bill for the fender-bender you caused.

8. When driving in heavy rain, do not think that you can safely drive the speed you drive in good weather. If you do, at best, the drag from the inches of standing water on the road will slow you down anyway. At worst, you might suddenly find yourself hydroplaning and, even more unfortunately, headed straight for the broken sewer main.

7. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think that you can save time by having the ice on your windshield defrost while you are driving. At best, everyone else will have stayed home and you’ll have the road to yourself and thereby avoid crashing into anyone. At worst, your insurance company won’t buy your story that the two small holes you scraped from your windshield should have been enough for you to avoid hitting the tractor-trailer when you passed into its lane.

6. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think your fellow commuters will find it amusing if you put a sleigh and reindeer antlers on the roof of your car and honk at everyone to let you through because you are Santa Claus. If you do, at best, the other motorists will let you through because they think you’re crazy and want to get as far away from you as possible. At worst, the other motorists will let you through straight to a highway patrol car waiting just for you.

5. When driving in a snowstorm, do not think your passengers will find it funny if you pretend to have snow blindness. At best, your passengers will help you to pull the car over so one of them will take over the driving (which was your intent anyway but you knew they wouldn’t do it if you just asked). At worst, your passengers will help you to pull the car over, but then leave you stranded on the shoulder because they knew you were faking.

4, When driving in a sudden hail storm, do not think it would be a good idea to suddenly pull over and collect the hail because you’ve never seen it before. If you do, at best, you’ll just have some motorists honk at you while you pack a few hail stones into your lunch bag. At worst, you’ll have a hard time convincing your boss that you’re late for work because when you stopped to collect hailstones, you got knock out cold by a big one and that is why you are acting drunk at noon.

3. When driving in a sudden hail storm, do not think it is a good time to pull out your golf club and trying some putting, no matter how obsessed with golf you are. At best, you’ll get the usual honks and rubbernecking from other motorists who are trying to figure out why you’re on the shoulder of the road swinging a golf club. At worst, see #4.

2. When driving during a heavy weather warning, do not think this is a good time to reenact a scene from your favorite Storm Chasers episode. At best, the storm cell never materializes and you simply waste a tank of gas looking for it. At worst, you wake up in another state but without ruby slippers.

1. When driving during a hurricane, … oh, please, just don’t!

Top Ten Things Not to Do

April 28, 2014 ~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

Here is the 43rd installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do by Marie Ann Bailey of 1WriteWay at http://1writeway.com and John W. Howell of Fiction Favorites at http://johnwhowell.com. These lists are simu-published on our blogs each Monday. We hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Attending a Parent-teacher Conference

When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not assume your child is never at fault. If you do, at best, you might be disappointed. At worst, you may find yourself explaining certain behaviors that could only be learned at home.
When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not try to explain away your child’s behavior with some made-up medical excuse. If you do, at best, you might be questioned about your own veracity. At worst, you might be explaining to child welfare the fact a medical exam found no medical reason for the behaviors.
When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not try to deny providing unusual help on the term project. If you do, at best, you will look like someone who has problems with the truth. At worst, you could be accused of being a severely overprotective parent with recommendations for counseling.
When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not try to ingratiate the teacher with abnormal compliments. If you do, at best, you will look like you have something to hide. At worst, the teacher will think you are shallow and assign the same trait to your child.
When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not assume the teacher will be impressed with your professional or work title and your forceful personality. If you do, at best, you may be in for a rude awakening. At worst, the teacher will think you are a bully and report you to the principal.
When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not do all the talking. If you do, at best you may miss some important information. At worst, the teacher will think you care more about yourself than your child and end the conference early with none of the issues resolved.
When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not bring along friends or relatives as support. If you do, at best, the teacher will feel outnumbered and end the conference early. At worst, the teacher will bring in a number of witnesses and pretty soon the conference will take on the appearance of a trial with you as the defendant.
When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not bring gifts. If you do, at best, the teacher will feel uncomfortable in giving you an honest evaluation of your child’s performance. At worst, the teacher will need to call the principal to witness turning down what they consider to be a bribe.
When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not call the teacher by the first name. If you do, at best, the teacher will believe you are rude. At worst, the teacher will get the feeling you are unnecessarily challenging the professional relationship which will not play well for the rest of the semester for your child.
When attending a parent-teacher conference, do not wear your most casual clothes. If you do, at best, the teacher will believe you are not serious about the conference. At worst, you may be unknowingly violating the school dress code and be asked to leave the building.