Top Ten Things Not to Do When Buying Gifts for Others

November 24, 2025November 24, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

This post was published on December 6th, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since it is close to Black Friday, I figure it might come in handy.

10. If you are buying a gift for a girlfriend, do not plan to give clothes unless you are double-dog sure of the sizes. If you’re lucky, you buy something too small and she feels bad (yet happy) because you think she’s smaller than she really is. If you’re unlucky, you buy something too big and she makes you feel bad for thinking that she’s bigger than she really is.

9. If you are buying a gift for a boyfriend, do not plan to give him one of those latest mechanical gifts from an online gadget store. Best case: he won’t be able to figure out what it is for and will feel stupid. Worst case: he will know what it is for since he already has one.

8. If you are getting a gift for a mother-in-law, do not plan to re-gift something you received from a family member or even a complete stranger. In the best case, you’ll have left the gift receipt in the box with last year’s date. In the worst case, it will be the very gift your mother-in-law gave you two years ago. To make it even more embarrassing, you raved about how perfect the gift was when you got it.

7. If you are buying a gift for a father-in-law, do not plan to give any kind of hat. The best case is that your mother-in-law will tell him he looks ridiculous in it. The worst case is that he will actually like it and wear it just to spite the mother-in-law, and then you will be on the hook for the resulting friction.

6. If you are buying a gift for a spouse, do not plan to give them anything they asked for when you asked what they wanted for Christmas. At best, your spouse will consider the gift as a no-brainer on your part and wonder why you didn’t get something else. At worst, your spouse will have changed their mind, and you now have a new doorstop.

5. If you want to give a gift to a teenager, do not buy anything. Simply provide them with the money you would have spent. If you do buy an unwanted gift, the best you can hope for is an eye roll, followed by the teenager getting a cash refund for it. At the worst, you’ll soon find the gift, with the gift sticker still affixed, at your local thrift store.

4. If you are buying a gift for a co-worker, do not buy any intimate apparel or anything that could be considered personal. In the best case, you will be thought of as “kind of creepy.” In the worst case, you will be explaining to Human Resources what you had intended by the gift.

3. If you are buying a gift for the postal person, do not give anything you have baked. The postal employee is fully capable of putting together their own cookie. At best, you will see your baked goods handed off to the following mailbox on your street. At worst, you will wonder why your mail stopped after the holidays.

2. If you are buying a gift for a white elephant gift exchange, do not buy anything you might not want to take home. The best case is that you manage to avoid being stuck with what you brought. The worst case is that you will be the proud owner of the gift you brought, which you will then have to store away until next year or give to your mother-in-law.

1. If you are buying a gift for your boss, do not try to keep up with his tastes. Simply get a gift card from Amazon and let him pick up a book. The best case is that whatever you give other than the gift card will never cost enough. The worst case is that you might actually spend enough to find out your boss has one of the things you bought. Unless it is a new Ferrari, you will never recover.

Top Ten Things Not to Do with Your Thanksgiving Turkey

November 17, 2025November 16, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 81 Comments

This post was published on November 25th, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since Thanksgiving is almost here, it could prove useful now.

Top Ten Things Not to Do with Your Thanksgiving Turkey

10. If you get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not let your kids dress it up as a pilgrim. If you do, at best, the bird might actually look good. At worst, you’ll probably be having carry out for dinner after the kids discover what is going to happen to their new best friend

9. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not listen when it starts singing “gimmie three steps… gimmie three steps, mister… Gimme three steps toward the door.” Chances are that your kids are playing Lynyrd Skynyrd too loud, and you’ve already had too many celebratory drinks.

8. If you decide to get a live bird for Thanksgiving, do not watch the “Presidential Pardon” ceremony on TV with your kids. You will likely end up with the same problem as item #10.

7. If you decide to go hunting for your Thanksgiving turkey, be aware that the turkey population has ways of fooling you into shooting a cow or your hunting partner. The turkey won’t care who gets hurt as long as it’s not a turkey.

6. If you plan on deep-frying your Thanksgiving turkey, do not drop a cold, icy bird into a giant vat of hot peanut oil. If you do, at best, you will have an overflow of hot liquid that will take a lot of elbow grease to clean up. At worst, you may burn down your house.

5. If your turkey is still frozen on Thanksgiving, do not invent a game where the turkey is used as a bowling ball with empty beer bottles as pins. It may sound fun after you’ve had all those before-dinner drinks, but the clean-up of thawed bird and broken glass will be hell.

4. If you plan to serve fresh turkey on Thanksgiving, do not let the bird sit out as you would a frozen one. If you do, at best, you’ll wind up with a precooked bird. At worst, you will all wind up seeing the friendly ER doctor in the early morning hours.

3. If you plan to serve tofu turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to dress it up to look like an actual turkey. Your guests won’t be fooled and might actually wonder if you have lost your mind.

2. If you find that your turkey is too big for the refrigerator, do not put it out in the cold garage on the roof of the car. If you do, at best, your cat may help itself, and you’ll have shredded turkey for dinner. At worst, you may forget the turkey is there until you’re making that frantic dash to the store for eggnog, at which point you slam on the brakes, your turkey rolls off the hood and into the street, and then is run over by a Hummer.

1. If you have leftover turkey for Thanksgiving, do not try to disguise it in other forms. You are not on “Chopped,” and good ole turkey is best served as itself.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Invited to an American Football Viewing Party

November 10, 2025November 9, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

This list was first published on September 16, 2013, by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since American football is going strong, and you might be invited to a viewing party, this list may come in handy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Invited to an American Football Viewing Party

10 When invited to a football party, do not show up in your favorite team’s uniform if the game that is being watched does not include your team. You will immediately let your host know that you have no interest in the game and that you only came to drink up the beer and eat as much of the food as possible.

9 When invited to a football party and asked to bring a dish, do not think you are fulfilling the host’s wish by hauling in a big bag of store-bought popcorn and a liter of diet soda. Actually, you won’t be fulfilling anyone’s wish with that contribution.

8 When invited to a football party and you are welcome to bring a guest, do not think this includes a stranger you grabbed off the street or a distant member of your family. The host probably intended you to bring a date or spouse and won’t appreciate feeding extraneous random people.

7 When invited to a football party and the host has no intention of starting a gambling pool, do not think it is your duty to correct what you think is an oversight. The host probably doesn’t want to put his guests on the spot to cough up a twenty, which they will ultimately lose.

6 When invited to a football party and none of the guests seem to understand fantasy football, allow them to remain blissfully unaware of the intricacies and complexity of the game that you and your office mates play every week.

5 When invited to a football party and you see that the host does not have a fifty-inch HDTV, do not offer to buy everyone a drink at the local sports bar just because it has four such TVs. Your tab may end up being more than you can afford, and your host may end up wrapping one of the TVs around your head.

4 When invited to a football party and the host does not have your brand of beer, do not turn up your nose and declare loudly: “Well, if you don’t have any, I’ll just have water.” Go ahead and sacrifice your delicate taste buds to the beer that resembles carbonated defrost, which your host is serving. After all, you don’t need to drink a barrel of it, although a barrel may be what you need to forget why you cared.

3 When invited to a football party and you need to describe a great play, do not pick up a curio and ask the crowd to imagine it as a football. It may be that the curio you just passed into the kitchen, which was dropped by your wide receiver, was a Fabergé egg handed down by your host’s great-great-great-grandmother.

2 When invited to a football party and you realize the game is the most boring thing you have ever watched, do not pick up the remote and change the channel to a movie. You may just offend not only your host but also the rest of the party. They may be reminded of the time the TV network cut off the last two minutes of the Super Bowl to air the movie Heidi. You take a chance on vigilante action.

1 When invited to a football party and the game is over, it should be your signal to leave. Do not wait for your host to switch off the TV and start clearing the living room of empty beer cups, pizza boxes, and paper plates of gnawed chicken wings. Your host is not making room for you and your guest to spend the night on the couch. They really want you to return to your own couch, no matter what they say.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Get Published

November 3, 2025November 2, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

This list, authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me, was first published on October 14, 2013. Since authors are still trying to get published traditionally, it might be helpful.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Trying to Get Published

10. When trying to get published, do not send a query letter to a publisher with the opening phrase “You probably have never heard of me, but that will change.” The publisher will no doubt get a big laugh, and your query will get a direct pitch into the trash can with the words, “Want to bet,” on the publisher’s lips.

9. When trying to get published, do not use cute gimmicks in your query letter to get the publisher’s attention. They will not appreciate whatever you send along with the letter and may charge you for the cleanup later. This includes: glitter hearts, artificial snow, two tickets to the Bruins hockey game, a six-pack of beer, sand from your beach story, or anything else not on paper.

8. When trying to get published, do not think a personal phone call to the publisher will make a difference. You will only risk sounding like an idiot, even though you have thoroughly rehearsed your pitch. If you happen to find someone to talk to, being able to locate your query letter to receive the feedback you need may put you on hold permanently.

7. When trying to get published, do not, under any circumstances, show up at the publisher’s place of business in person. The publisher will be extremely embarrassed since they will have no idea what to do with you. Your query might just be placed in your back pocket as you are shown the exit into the alley.

6. When trying to get published, do not tell the publisher in your query letter that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for them. The only thing that may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is the one second it takes for the publisher to pitch your query into the wastebasket with the words, “I’ll take that chance.”

5. When trying to get published, do not try to build rapport with the publisher with words like, “If I were in your shoes, I would be looking for a talented writer and by golly, I just happen to know one.” The publisher will have a nice laugh at your expense and will probably use your query in the next seminar on How Not to Query. Of course, he will be paid an enormous fee, and you will get…well…nothing.

4. When trying to get published, do not send a query letter before you have your fiction manuscript finished. Unless you are Stephen King, there is not a publisher in business today who will jump at the chance to publish your story if it is in the concept stage. Describing in detail what might be will probably get you a response of what actually is happening, a flat “no.”

3. When trying to get published, do not assume you have only writing in mind. The publisher will want you to carry most of the marketing work on your shoulders. Your query letter should avoid self-descriptive words and phrases like: artist, literary principles, clean hands, introvert, higher calling, too good for others, filthy capitalism, save-the-trees activist, reclusive researcher, and only want to write.

2. When trying to get published, do not admit you are only in it for the money, even if you are. There may be a time when the publisher contacts you in response to your query. This is not the time to start pressuring the publisher for a tight timetable, as you need the money. Like banks do not lend money to people who need it, publishers know there is little money for authors and will pass on you for another more motivated by non-monetary reasons.

1. When trying to get published, do not give up. There are a million potential reasons to keep sending queries, and who knows, your manuscript just might be the next million-copy seller.

Top Ten Things Not To Do If You Go Into a Car Dealer

October 27, 2025October 26, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 90 Comments

Here is a list authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. It was posted on January 14, 2014. Since there is still a need to go to a car dealer, it may be helpful

Top Ten Things Not To Do If You Go Into a Car Dealer

10. If you go into a car dealer, make sure you really want to buy a car. If you don’t, at best, you may walk away from a car that you fell in love with but can’t afford. At worst, you might end up paying for that car for the rest of your life.

9. If you go into a car dealer, do not say anything regarding your like or dislike of a car. If you do, at best, you will tip your hand. At worst, you may end up with the one you dislike since it is priced so well.

8. If you go into a car dealer, do not drink a big gulp before arriving. If you do, at best, you may need to interrupt your negotiations at a bad time. At worst, the sales rep may detect your uneasiness, interpret it as a sign of weakness, and hammer the negotiations until you agree to everything just so you can make a break for the bathroom.

7. If you go into a car dealer, do not wear any clothing with designer labels. If you do, at best, you will impress everyone in the showroom. At worst, you may pay thousands more for a car than the people at JCP.

6. If you go into a car dealer, do not bring the children. If you do, at best, they will get hyped up on the sugary donuts the salespeople will feed them. At worst, the kids will want to sit in your lap just as you try to negotiate a good deal and tell the salesperson that you are just kidding.

5. If you go into a car dealer, do not park your car where it can be seen. If you do, at best, the condition will tip off the salesperson as to your trade-in before the deal. At worst, the salesperson will get a heads-up on how badly you need transportation.

4. If you go into a car dealer, do not accept anything to eat or drink if offered. If you do, at best, you’ll take on extra calories you don’t need. At worst, you may feel you owe the dealership something, and you don’t want to get talked into a thousand-dollar cup of coffee.

3. If you go into a car dealer, do not sign anything before you read it. If you do, at best, you may have some expensive surprises when the car is delivered. At worst, you may have sold your home for a dollar.

2. If you go into a car dealer, do not demand to see the manager if you’re unhappy with the deal the salesperson is offering. If you do, at best, you may be embarrassed to learn that the salesperson is the manager. At worst, the employees will use the videotape of you ranting at the company party as the leading entertainment.

1. If you go into a car dealer, do not even think of special ordering a car. If you do, at best, you may end up paying too much. At worst, you may be riding around in something that lost fifty percent of its value the minute you drove it off the lot, since Habanero Orange is not everyone’s favorite color.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Presence of a Camera

October 20, 2025October 19, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 79 Comments

This list, co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me, was first published on June 22, 2014. Since there are still cameras around, it might be useful today.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When in the Presence of a Camera

10. If you are tempted to take a selfie (why, we don’t know) to show your friends your new tan lines, do not send the picture to anyone. If you do, at best, you may show too much line. At worst, your picture may go viral on the internet for the next million years.

9. If you are with friends and a picture is being taken, do not stick out your tongue as if you are Miley Cyrus. If you do, at best, you will look as graceful as Miley Cyrus. At worst, like your mom said, “Your face may stick that way.”

8. If you are tempted to take a selfie in the bathroom, do not take a picture until you check the background. If you do, at best, there may be some stray clothes lying around. At worst, that shot of the commode may be enough to get an unexpected visit from the health department and possibly a letter from a concerned citizen about the lid being in the up position.

7. If you are tempted to take a selfie, try to make an expression that does not resemble a duck. If you don’t, at best, you will look like any one of a million selfies. At worst, your lips may be entered in the most obviously botched category at the Botox convention by a well-meaning friend and win.

6. If you are in charge of taking pictures of a friend’s get-together, do not ask everyone to say cheese. If you do, at best, you will have different group photos that look the same. At worst, you will have walking dead expressions, and your outing will resemble the before shots at the orthodontist.

5. When posing for a group picture, do not put up two fingers behind the head of the person next to you. If you do, at best, you will ruin what could have been a nice picture. At worst, everyone in the photo will be able to attest that those two fingers represent the number of drinks that it takes to get you blotto.

4. If you have had too much to drink, do not show up in each picture with your red solo cup. If you do, at best, you will have a chronicle of your behavior. At worst, you will document your own downfall and will have to face the inevitable slide show every time you and your friends get together.

3. When taking pictures of the scenic wonders of America, do not take photos from a moving vehicle. If you do, at best, you might catch a tree or two in the blur. At worst, you will have lovely landscape colors that resemble finger paints to show, as a result of your trip.

2. When trying to capture the romantic nature of the moonlight over the lake, do not use a cell phone camera. If you do, at best, you might get what appears to be a pinhead in the night. At worst, you will have a close-up view of your fingerprint that can be used as a new form of identification.

1. When taking pictures of pets, children, or anything on the ground, do not stand as tall as you are and take the shot. If you do, at best, you will get shots of little frightened beings resembling something out of The Hobbit. At worst, since you are not down at their level, your angle of attack will produce nothing but the tops of the innocent little heads.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling by Plane

October 13, 2025October 12, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

This list was authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me, and ran on June 16th, 2014. Since people still travel by airplane, it might prove to be useful.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Traveling by Plane

10. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can fake being 75 or older so you won’t have to take off your shoes, since you are self-conscious about foot odor. If you do, at best, the TSA agents will just roll their eyes as you stoop and shuffle over, and then will patiently insist that you remove your shoes since your ID makes it clear that you are not as old as you claim. At worst, the TSA agents will decide that you must have some mental health issues and flag you as someone to be examined in the TSA office, which causes you to miss your plane and totally gross out the TSA agents in the small examination room with your smelly feet.

9. When traveling by plane, do not expect that the happy, cooing baby seated behind you will remain happy and cooing once the plane takes off. If you do, at best, the parents will attend immediately to the baby whenever it starts to cry. At worst, the parents will ignore the baby, as apparently they always do, and it will be your eardrums that will suffer more from the baby’s ear-splitting screams than from the change in cabin air pressure that is causing the screaming.

8. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the carry-on bag you bought online for half price will actually fit in an overhead bin. If you do, at best, you’ll be the first to wedge your bag into the bin and can ignore the other passengers whose bags are smaller but unable to fit because your bag is so large. At worst, a big guy named Tiny will pull out your bag, drop it in your lap, and put his own in. You’ll be stuck having to check your oversized carry-on at the last minute unless you foolishly want to argue with Tiny.

7. When traveling by plane, do not think you can escape screaming babies by hiding in the lavatory. If you do, at best, you’ll only face a long line of angry passengers when you finally come out as the plane is preparing to land. At worst, the flight crew will summon an air marshal and forcefully extricate you at a most inconvenient moment.

6. When traveling by plane, do not think you can time your use of the lavatory to coincide with the smoothest part of the flight. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky and only be slightly jostled about on the toilet as the plane hits some minor turbulence. At worst, the plane will hit an air pocket, causing the plane to drop sharply, you to accidentally open the lavatory door as you grab the handle for stability, and the flight crew to be forever marred by an image of your blue water-colored naked bottom half.

5. When traveling by plane, do not assume that the passenger behind you won’t mind if you put your seat all the way back. If you do, at best, that passenger and all the ones behind will be doing the same thing, causing a strange but convenient domino effect. At worst, the passenger behind you will show displeasure by choosing that time to pitch forward and have a sneezing fit over your head, making you wish you had brought an umbrella.

4. When traveling by plane, do not think it would be a fun idea to tease your fellow passenger’s cat while the passenger is in the lavatory. If you do, at best, the cat will only hiss and growl as it backs into the corner of the pet taxi when you stick your fingers through the grate. At worst, you’ll have a lot of explaining to do to the flight attendant and your fellow passenger when you ask for help in retrieving your hand from PsychoKitty’s clamped jaw.

3. When traveling by plane, do not think that you can imbibe several alcoholic drinks and somehow be sober when your 10-hour flight ends. If you do, at best, the flight attendant will be aware of your naiveté and water down your drinks so you can disembark without assistance. At worst, you drink yourself into a Bermuda Triangle stupor and wake up hours later in a TSA office, strapped to a wheelchair and not having answers to the questions being asked by Fritz, the head interrogator.

2. When traveling by plane, on your return flight, do not think your fellow passengers will find it amusing if you sing along with the movie Happy Feet, which you’ve seen several times already. If you do, at best, all the passengers will choose to use headsets to tune you out. At worst, you may be faced with a mass passenger mutiny, where walking the plank takes on new meaning at thirty-five thousand feet.

1. When traveling by plane, do not pull an Alec Baldwin and insist on taking a cell phone call just when the captain requests that everyone turn off their phones and other electronic devices. If you do, at best, a flight attendant will gently but firmly take your phone away from you and refuse to return it until your plane has landed. At worst, the captain and flight crew will pay a personal visit to your seat and escort you off the plane (after landing, if you are lucky), totally ignoring your claim to be a very important person.

Top Ten Things Not To Do on the Weekend

October 6, 2025October 5, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

This post ran on June 9th, 2014, and was coauthored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since we still have weekends, maybe it will offer some tips.

Top Ten Things Not To Do on the Weekend

10. On the weekend, do not attempt to catch up on all the sleep you missed during the week. If you do try, at best, you may miss a few meals. At worst, you might just find Monday morning arriving way too soon.

9. On the weekend, do not try to complete a week’s worth of exercise in one weekend day. If you do, at best, your body will remind you to take it easy next time. At worst, you will need to call the EMS to help you out of bed on Monday morning.

8. On the weekend, do not try to drink all the beer and margaritas you missed during the week. If you do, at best, you will still feel bad the following Friday. At worst, you could have a monumental lost weekend and wake up naked, restrained to a gurney at the county hospital with no idea how you got there nor how long you’ve been.

7. On the weekend, do not feel you must fill in every hour with an activity to make up for the sedentary week. If you do, at best, you just might need a vacation after the weekend is over. At worst, you may be in a position to regret not having a stress test a little sooner.

6. On the weekend, do not power shop to make up for the times you were at work during the week. If you do, at best, you may see the end of the available money before the end of the available time to shop. At worst, you ignore the end of the money warning and continue shopping until your credit card company mercifully cuts you off in the most exclusive store.

5. On the weekend, do not do a marathon of chores hoping to catch up on those you missed during the week. If you do, at best, you will run out of daylight before the work is done. At worst, you will run out of energy and be faced with the end of the weekend and the prospect of an exhausted Monday morning.

4. On the weekend, do not try to watch every show you recorded during the week. If you do, at best, you will feel you have worked all weekend just watching TV. At worst, you will show up on Monday with bloodshot eyes and pasty skin, leading everyone to believe you were in solitary confinement in jail for the weekend.

3. On the weekend, do not take a little work home with you. If you do, at best, you will have to sneak around to get it done before the family finds out. At worst, your boss will find out you are working during the weekend, so the little work will turn into two full days of business as usual.

2. On the weekend, if you are a writer, do not try to not write. If you do, at best, you will become increasingly grumpy until your family locks you in your writing room. At worst, you will be successful in not writing and then will be crushed by the guilt of ages simply because you are now two thousand words off your target, causing you to change genres from Romance to Horror Fiction.

1. On the weekend, do not forget to find time to relax and recharge. If you do forget, at best, your productivity for the next week will suffer. At worst, your nerves will probably be at the point of shattering, and all will let loose when your hapless boss asks you to stay for an hour more on Monday with significantly ugly results.

Top Ten Things Not to DO When Visiting the Zoo

September 22, 2025September 20, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

This post ran on April 7th 2014 annd was co-authored by Marie Ann Bailey and me. Since the last few days of summer still allow a zoo trip, hopefully, this will be useful.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Visiting the Zoo

10. When visiting the zoo, do not try to get the chimpanzees’ attention by throwing popcorn at them. If you do, at best, they will simply pick up the popcorn and eat it and continue to ignore you. At worst, they will reciprocate by flinging some dark, smelly stuff back at you, causing you and the family to have an uncomfortable ride home, with your shirt covered in chimp poop.

9. When visiting the zoo, do not think that just because the Siberian Leopard kitten is fast asleep, you can simply reach through the bars and scratch its adorable furry little head. If you do, at best, you might merely bruise your arm as you jerk it back when you hear the kitten’s mother roar. At worst, the kitten will wake up and decide to play tug-of-war with your arm while mama gets closer and closer, snarling the whole way.

8. When visiting the zoo, do not throw things into the elephant exhibit just because you think it is fun to watch elephants pick things up with their trunks. If you do, at best, you will be reprimanded by the zoo staff and told to leave the zoo. At worst, you will be tasked with cleaning up the elephant exhibit, which could be a lengthy process since the elephants never forget a litter bug and might think it is fun to pick you up with their trunks.

7. When visiting the zoo, do not try to mimic the Lemurs as they run through their exhibit, catapulting themselves through the air and landing upright on trees. If you do, at best, your efforts will result in some embarrassment and a rash on your bark from you ungracefully sliding down a tree that you tried to leap onto. At worst, the tree you leapt onto will turn out to be inside the Lemur exhibit, causing the Lemurs to see you as a predator and mob you until you are rescued by zoo staff.

6. When visiting the zoo, do not sneak in a pair of roller skates because you made a bet with your best friend that you can get through all the exhibits within an hour. If you do, at best, you will only draw the ire of the other zoo visitors, as they have to jump out of your way to avoid being run over by you. At worst, you might take one of the downhill paths too fast and find yourself nose-to-nose with a rhinoceros in its wading pool at feeding time.

5. When visiting the zoo, do not tap on the glass of the Goliath birdeater exhibit, thinking you can coax the tarantula to where you can see it better. If you do, at best, the tarantula will just hunker down even more, and zoo staff will be compelled to ask you to leave. At worst, before making you go, the staff will insist that you clean the cage of the birdeater, blindfolded with peanut butter on your fingers.

4. When visiting the zoo, do not try to entice a crocodile to open its mouth by holding food out over the fence. If you do, at best, the croc will simply ignore you since it probably is more interested in the Pekingese that someone snuck in. At worst, the croc will leap up and forward to get your hand as well as the treat in it, causing you to dislocate your shoulder as you try to get out of the way without falling over the fence and into the croc’s open mouth.

3. When visiting the zoo, do not think yelling at bears is a good and effective way to get their attention and make them active. If you do, at best, you will simply annoy the other zoo visitors until someone wads up a paper bag and stuffs it in your mouth. At worst, after stuffing the paper bag in your mouth, the other zoo visitors band together and toss you over into the bear exhibit, causing such a commotion that the bears then wake up and become active, thinking you to be a member of a rival clan.

2. When visiting the zoo, do not think that you can hide out until after the zoo closes because you always wanted to see the zoo at night. If you do, at best, you might become very bored very quickly because most of the animals are also done for the night and curled away in their beds. At worst, you try to entertain yourself by climbing trees, pretending to be a monkey, until you realize, much too late, that you’ve flung yourself into the lion exhibit, and since they hunt at night, they are all wide awake and waiting for you.

1. When visiting the zoo, do not try to pretend you are a member of the zoo staff just so you can arrange a close encounter with the zoo’s mascot, a yellow reticulated python named Lemondrop. If you do, at best, you will be found out because you have to keep looking at your badge to remember the name of the staff member from whom you stole the uniform. At worst, you get your close encounter with Lemondrop, who turns out to like you so much that the python can’t help but take you into its burrow to give you a big hug.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Signing Up With an Online Dating Service

September 15, 2025September 14, 2025 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

First posted on April 21, 2014 by Marie Ann Bailey and me. I don’t know why we posted it back then but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe it is still a good idea although neither Marie or I use dating services.

Top Ten Things Not To Do When Signing Up With an Online Dating Service

10. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use your old high school senior photo in your profile. If you do, at best, your future dates might forgive you for being somewhat more overweight and wrinkled than your photo suggests. At worst, you might get sued by future dates for emotional and psychological trauma especially those who thought they were going to date an 18-year-old.

9. When signing up for an online dating service, do not say that you live in a foreign country because you want to appear exotic. If you do, at best, your future dates will be relieved to find out that you actually live within driving distance of them and they don’t have to pay exorbitant sums of money for a first date. At worst, your dream date who really does live in the country you claim to live in will out you to everyone else in the service and you will have to change your profile and your identity and actually move to a foreign country.

8. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be a great cook when you still can’t make a decent peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If you do, at best, your future dates will prefer to dine out anyway and will never find out your lie. At worst, your dream date will wind up in the ER after you actually try to prepare a romantic, home-cooked meal for your first (and now last) date.

7. When signing up for an online dating service, do not inflate your educational background so you can appear to be more intelligent than you apparently are. If you do, at best, your future dates will not be interested in your opinion on the Dunning-Kruger effect anyway and you’ll be saved from having to present yourself as an example of it. At worst, your profile will be tagged as someone who suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect (overestimating your abilities) which you will find frustrating since your last name is not Dunning nor is it Kruger.

6. When signing up for an online dating service, do not minimize your educational background to appear to less intelligent than you really are because you are afraid of intimidating anyone. If you do, at best, your future dates won’t be interested in degrees anyway just as long as you can enjoy conversations with each other. At worst, your future dates will look like the cast from “Duck Dynasty.”

5. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to be fluent in any language when all you can say is “Hello” and “Goodbye” in that language. If you do, at best, all your future dates have the same native tongue as you, but no foreign language fluency so they get excited when you say “Bonjour” and “Adios” in the same sentence. At worst, your dream date will be fluent in the language you claim to be fluent in (let’s say, French, for fun) and invite you to a romantic getaway to Paris where the best you can do is say “Bonjour” to everything anyone else says to you, with the result that two hours into the romantic getaway, your dream date leaves you at a café with just your French-English dictionary to help you find your way home.

4. When signing up for an online dating service, do not claim to not have cats when you do just because the dream date you picked out is allergic to cats. At best, you never get together with your dream date but the second best date not only asks you out but also happens to like cats (and then you live happily ever after). At worst, your dream date comes to your place for coffee and, within five minutes, develops red, itchy eyes, sneezing and coughing fits, and a facial rash, even though your cats are not in your house because you had them boarded. All of this results in you being on the hook for your dream date’s trip to the ER and allergy medication as well as the boarding fees for a date that went nowhere.

3. When signing up for an online dating service, do not use a glamour photo for your profile, even if your friends insist it will get you more dates. At worst, all your future dates also use glamour photos so no one can complain when none of you look glamorous in real life. At worst, see the worst case scenario for #1 and then double it.

2. When signing up for an online dating service, do not present yourself as a social butterfly when in fact you get panic attacks when you have to speak to more than one person at a time. If you do, at best, your future dates will be flattered when you say you prefer evenings alone so you can get to know them better. At worst, your future dates will think your Howard Hughes profile is creepy since they assumed you loved the party life and eventually leave you to your evenings alone as a party of one.

1. When signing up for an online dating service, do not pretend to be anyone but who you really are. If you do, a©t best, you will find someone who will actually like you for yourself and you will make some new good friends. At worst, you’ll be stuck with a revolving door of dates but no relationships. (On the upside, that could be fodder for some good stories.)