“Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put your offering (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before Sunday evening UK time. If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here. Thank you for taking part.”
“Hi, and welcome to the firm. My name is Lew, and I’m the HR director.”
“Very pleased to meet you, Mr. Lew. I’m John Wayfair.”
“Yes, John. I have your application in front of me. By the way, Lew is my first name.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Can I call you Lew?”
“Of course. Now let’s get down to business. You applied for a position in the marketing department.”
“Yes, yes, I have.”
“I see here you have published several books.”
“Yes, I’m an author, and a big part of the job is doing marketing.”
“I see. So you think these skills will traslate to our business?”
“I’m sure of it. ‘Marketing be marketing’ as we say.”
“Yes, quite. Tell me about the first person you killed?”
“Oh, you mean in my book.”
“Yes, in your book.”
“Well, not much to tell. The character was a lowlife, and the hero took him out.”
“Just like that?”
“Yup, just like that.”
“How about the first rape?”
“This is a little uncomfortable for me.”
“I’m sure it is. Do tell.”
“A real bad guy did that.”
“But you wrote it, right?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, then there was that adulterous affair between your characters.”
“Well, not to brag, but there were several.”
“I noticed you use a lot of profanity in your stories.”
“I just construct realistic dialogue.”
“You also seem to call on God to damn people a lot.”
“Pretty tough characters.”
“Heavy drinking and drug use.”
“Where is this all going, Lew?”
“An excellent question, John. I don’t think the marketing department is right for you. I think you will do better in a starting position.”
“What if I don’t agree?”
“You have no choice. With your background in sin, I think you should start in the furnace department. It’s the hottest place we have. And you will no longer call me Lew. Instead, you will address me as Lucifer. You are dismissed. Miss Harpy, send in the next candidate.”
This post was initially run on January 2, 2017. However, since we are coming off a Veterans Day holiday, I thought it would be good to reread this Monday morning.
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The inspiration for this list comes from the memory of having to return to the day job after a long weekend like we are having now. It seems the wounds are just beginning to heal, and it is time to go back to the battle, only to be reopened again. This list has been developed so that the temptation to stay home on Tuesday is successfully avoided.
Top Ten Excuses Not to Use For Skipping Work
10 If you want to skip work, do not tell the boss your dog ate your driver’s license. If you do, at best, your boss will wonder why you can’t take public transportation. At worst, your boss will send a car only to discover that you are still in your pajamas. (What made you think the boss would be working and allow you to stay home, huh, Bunky?)
9 If you want to skip work, do not call in holding your nose to support your sickness claim. If you do, at best, the boss will think you were overserved over the holiday. At worst, you will get a call from human resources with your appointment at the substance abuse treatment center. (That went well, didn’t it, Bosco?)
8 If you want to skip work, do not blame the weather for not getting to the office. If you do, at best, you will be the only one not at the office. At worst, the weather you thought would hit your town moved out of the area. (Here, you are looking at the sun trying to explain the absence of snow, sleet, and ice. Better luck next time, Buford.)
7 If you want to skip work, do not blame the mechanical failure of your auto. If you do, at best, some boss sycophant will volunteer to come to get you. At worst, you’ll be at the drive-through for lunch, and your boss will be in the car behind you. (At least you got the morning before you magically made the repair. Right, Bucky?)
6 If you want to skip work, do not pretend you are out of town and the planes are all grounded. If you do, at best, there will be some bad weather somewhere, and you picked it right. At worst, just after hanging up with the boss, a newscast will come on, extolling the fact that there were no flight delays for the first time ever. (Well, you will have an additional story to tell tomorrow. Right Bud. How about the fact that your plane was hijacked?)
5 If you want to skip work, do not use the excuse that your spouse is ill and needs care. If you do, at best, the sympathy calls will give you little rest. At worst, the knowledge of the collection at work and the bouquet of flowers that shows up in the afternoon convince you to quit. (This was not the outcome you wanted. Or was it. Roscoe?)
4 If you want to skip work, do not report that you are telecommuting to the boss. If you do, at best, you will get some additional assignments and be forced to work anyway. At worst, you will get a critical call that goes unanswered which triggers a massive shutdown of IT systems. (You forgot about the fail-safe hacking control. It is a shame since you set it up, Bubba)
3 If you want to skip work, do not report you to have an off-site meeting with a customer. If you do, at best, you can always say the client canceled the meeting. At worst, you get a call from the boss who decided to meet you at the customer’s office, letting you know the client is in Bangkok. (Now is the time to try to carry off the fact that you are in Bangkok. Good luck with that, Rube)
2 If you want to skip work, do not set up an elaborate scheme that includes throwing a punch at Tiny, the WWF Champion. If you do, at best, the detailed plan will fall through. At worst, your stay in the hospital will not compensate for the one day off. (Why you decided to throw a punch at Tiny is still debated in the company halls. You did pick up some street cred, though, Buddy.)
1 If you want to skip work, do not enlist fellow workers as co-conspirators in whatever excuse you choose. If you do, at best, you will owe the favor. At worst, the boss will get a confession from the weakest link, and you will be given up in a heartbeat. (I guess you could have predicted the result. Couldn’t you Sucker?)
Today we are going to attend the Safety Day exhibitions in Lakeway. This annual affair brings together Police, Fire, and Rescue teams from Travis county. The idea is to bring awareness to the community of the services available and educate safety practices. We are catered by Jew Boy Burgers in Austin. Our entertainment is Johnny Cash.
Menu
The Jewboy – 1/3 lb freshly ground beef smashed over sautéed onions on a wicked hot flat top grill. Flipped once, topped with two slices of cheese, then steamed to melty perfection. Finally, it’s placed on a fresh Martin’s Potato roll. Topped with chopped lettuce, pickles & mustard.
OY VAY GUEY (WAY) A JewBoy patty topped with roasted Hatch Green Chiles, then covered with steamed pepper jack cheese with a bit of mustard on the bottom bun.
SLOPPY JOSE A JewBoy patty with bacon and Homeboy Chile con Queso poured on.
GOYIM A JewBoy Patty with grilled pastrami, bacon, and melted swiss pickles. and mustard.
YENTA A JewBoy with a latke of your choice placed directly on the burger.
DETROIT ROCK CITY A JewBoy patty with melted cheddar, mustard, red onions, and our Detroit-style chili poured over the top. Over the top, indeed.
Not Burgers
THE MENSCH Two crispy latkes with roasted Hatch Green Chiles and grilled onions smothered in melted cheddar and pepper jack cheese on a soft potato roll.
CAN YOU GRILL IT? Yes, we can. A marinated chicken thigh covered with melted swiss and bacon. served with our schmutz sauce and lettuce on a soft potato roll.
CLASSIC CONEY An all-beef Hebrew National doggy covered in Detroit chili, shredded cheddar cheese, mustard, and chopped red onion on a fresh potato bun.
THE MUTT An all-beef Hebrew National doggy with one side of the bun with Detroit chili, the other side with our homeboy queso. The best of both worlds.
Let’s go.
So, here we are, welcomed by the Constable crew.
Check out that ladder.
Forest fighting equipment.
A way to learn how to survive a fire.
The state trooper mounted and k-9 group.
The Colorado River patrol.
Two large EMS vehicles for disaster use. The largest can handle twelve patients.
The Lakeway Police tent.
Drilling equipment for power line restoration.
The game warden organization was represented.
A workshop for the kids to build birdhouses. There is also music, games, and food trucks, but since we brought our own, we can now relax and enjoy the food and music. I hope you have a super week.
For whatever reason, the coffee machine decided to do its job with no delay. The steaming cup is in my hand before too much complaining time goes by. A sip brings a feeling of gratitude and a desire to celebrate the completion of the house’s restoration. Walking to the backyard confirms all is back to normal. A casual stroll to the spot of the impact of the safe of celestial origin makes the mind rest easy that one cannot tell there had ever been any damage.
Good feelings spread to every cell just as the front doorbell rings. Twiggy and Lucy are heard racing from the cellar to the front door, no doubt bursting the eardrums of the hapless fool who touched that button. The two are finally quelled with a toss of treats, and the security unlock procedure complete. The front door is thrown open.
Standing on the porch is someone who looks like a contestant on an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy. Yes, they are standing behind a podium and appear decked out as Bugs Bunny. The category is Big Question, and the answer is Linda Hill. Bugs takes a crack at the question. “Who has a prompt for John?” Alex says, “Yes. That is the correct question.” A big round of applause goes up, and Bugs hands me an envelope, and he and Alex disappear in a puff.
Being grateful that nothing is damaged, I open the envelope. Here is the message.
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “starts with or contains ‘cel.'” Find a word that begins with or contains “cel” and use it in your post any way you’d like. Have fun!
This day always brings to mind grandfathers, grandmothers, fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, cousins, and siblings. All those in my family who served their country in the armed services and medical corps. Their service not only helped defeat America’s enemies but ensured that each of us had the freedom to pursue life, liberty, and happiness.
Today is the day to remember all who have served and those whose service also meant their ultimate gift to our freedom.
God bless our veterans. Today’s JohnKu is about just one.
The Last Drive, a sequel to Eternal Road, is finally done and ready to go to print.
Here is the blurb.
In the sequel to Eternal Road, Sam and James are reunited to look for two souls, Ryan and Eddie. Ryan was killed in Afghanistan, trying to avoid a schoolyard with his crippled plane. Eddie Rickenbacker, Ryan’s hero, is to guide Ryan to his Eternal Home, and now both are missing.
The higher-ups believe that there has been some interference in Ryan and Eddie’s journey by Lucifer, so Sam and James have the task of finding Ryan and Eddie to get them back on the road despite the evil interference. Unfortunately, the machinations designed to prevent Ryan and Eddy from completing their journey takes the pair to horrifying testing grounds. The places visited represent the best work of the Devil. They are the trenches of World War I in France, gladiators at the Roman Coliseum, the sinking Titanic, Hiroshima 45 minutes before the bomb, and the Auschwitz concentration camp in 1943.
This book is for you if you like plenty of action, strong characters, time travel, and a touch of spiritual and historical fiction. So, join Sam and James as they try to find the missing souls while staying one step ahead of the Prince of Darkness, who is determined to destroy all that is good.
I want to avoid all the business and the rush of the holidays, so the release date will be in January. I plan to have a tour and if you want to help spread the word, send me an email at johnhowell(dot)wave(at)gmail.com. If you volunteer, I will provide a unique copy for each post and recognition of your site on mine. I hope to have only one tour stop a day. In your email, tell me any dates in January or early February that won’t work. I will be confirming your date within 24 hours of receiving your email.
Thanks in advance for your offer to help spread the word.
In Keith’s words. “Using this photo as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put your offering (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before Sunday evening UK time. If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here. Thank you for taking part.”
This post originally ran on October 24, 2016. Since our significant others still leave, I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.
* * *
The inspiration for this list was a traveling Producer two weeks ago. She was visiting the youngest for an extended weekend. I say the inspiration was her visit; nothing in this list pertains to me. Ahem.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town
10 If your significant other is out of town, do not organize an all-night card party. If you do, at best, there will be minor damage that can be covered up. At worst, the guest who never gets drunk decides to have too much of a dark red Cabernet just before passing out holding a full glass on your significant other’s favorite white couch. (You might as well set fire to the house right now.)
9 If your significant other is out of town, do not decide to create and work on your own to-do list. If you do, at best, you might get one thing on the list right. At worst, you will finish the list only to discover that all the items were things your significant other wanted to do. (Well, you now have a big problem since you know everything needs to be redone.)
8 If your significant other is out of town, do not even think of not doing the dishes. If you don’t do them, at best, the homecoming will be less joyous. At worst, that heavy trash can is a hint that your dirty dishes no longer exist. (You could have saved yourself on this one, Bunkie. You were warned.)
7 If your significant other is out of town, do not take the kids or dogs for a new haircut. If you do, at best, you will have to repeat the rule on which part of parenting you are not responsible. At worst, you will end up at the hair cutter demanding another cut. (You also have orders not to pay another red cent. So, now you have to hide the payment as well.)
6 If your significant other is out of town, do not rearrange the furniture. If you do, at best, your significant other will trip and fall over the ottoman which wasn’t there before. At worst, deep relationship issues around change communication could result. (You didn’t know the depth of insecurity there, did you?)
5 If your significant other is out of town, do not think putting the spices in alphabetical order is a good idea. If you do, at best, your significant other will be confused at first but catch on. At worst, you will be asked one hundred times to locate the chili powder. (Some people just don’t get the idea of chili powder being under “C” and not “P,” no matter how many times you explain it to Tiny, who, as WWF world wrestling Champ, should get it.)
4 If your significant other is out of town, do not use treats to get the kids or pets to behave. If you do, at best, they will rat you out immediately upon the significant other’s return. At worst, you will have created a behavior modification system requiring increasing amounts of treats to sustain. (It is like being on a substance abuse treadmill, isn’t it, Grover.)
3 If your significant other is out of town, do not lock yourself out of the house. If you do, at best, you can convince one of the kids to open the door. At worst, you will become increasingly hysterical as your darling children not only refuse to open the door but decide to begin playing chef with your butane Cream Brule caramelizing torch. (Try explaining this one, Buford.)
2 If your significant other is out of town, do not forget to follow the plant watering instructions to the letter. If you do forget, at best, the droops will go away after you do remember. At worst, you spot the prize orchid taking a dive just as your significant other pulls into the driveway. (This was the orchid that would have taken first place at the flower show that your spouse has been working on for over a year. It just doesn’t get any worse.)
1 If your significant other is out of town, do not expect a souvenir. If you do, at best, your reward will be a small bottle of conditioner from Days Inn. At worst, you will get a T-shirt that reads, “My significant other went to Las Vegas, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt,” two sizes too small. (Another car polish rag, right Ralph?)
