This list has been inspired by numerous friends staying overnight and sad to say doing one or more of the things on the list. Since this week is Thanksgiving I thought it would be a good idea on posting some tips on behavior in case a visit to friends is in the cards. (Oh, I know you would never do any of these)

Ten Things Not to Do While Staying Overnight with Friends

10 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not ask “what’s for dinner?” if you do, at best you will come off as pretty a demanding guest.  At worst, your host may send you out for fast food. (by yourself)

9 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not sneak late night snacks. If you do, at best you may scare your guests thinking there is an intruder in the house. At worst, you might be asked to come out of the house over a bullhorn held by a big person from the local SWAT team.

8 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not keep telling jokes in which you keep forgetting the punchline. If you do, at best your friends will take pity on you and try to change the subject. At worst, your friend will believe you are a prime candidate for an intervention much to the amusement of others in the house.

7 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not keep grabbing extra portions of food. If you do, at best your friends will wonder why you are not eating regularly at home. At worst, they will assume you have an eating disorder and will insist you see their couple’s counselor. (which raises a whole new problem)

6 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not assume your friends want to stay up with you to see the dawn. If you do, at best your friends will hope you pass out. At worst, the last few drinks made by your friend will be strong enough to ensure you pass out.

5 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not get sick in their bed. If you do, at best the stay will be very short. At worst, you may wake up in the backyard with a large dog named Bruno who thinks you are cute.

4 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not sleep until noon even if you normally do so at home. If you do, at best your friends will think you rude for missing the brunch they prepared. At worst, your friends will go about their day and leave you in the house to fend for yourself which will include warding off the affections of Bruno.

3 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not think it is okay to adjust the thermostat to suit your own comfort. If you do, at best you might not be invited back. At worst, your friends may surprise you with their deluxe suite which is in actuality the back seat of your own car.

2 If you are staying overnight with friends, do not take an in ordinarily long hot shower. If you do, at best you may encounter some hostile looks since your host community is under severe water restrictions. At worst, the hosts who are under a water restriction will be served with a cease service order which will mean no more water for them and a wanted dead or alive poster for you.

1 If you are staying overnight with friends, don’t forget to say thank you. If you do, at best you won’t be invited back. At worst, your friends will come and stay with you and do their best to eat, drink and create mayhem for revenge.

This list is inspired by the temperature here on the south Texas Coast. As I write this the temperature is thirty-seven degrees. Way too cold for an old fart and his dog.

Ten Things Not to Do When the Weather Turns Cold

10 If the weather turns cold, do not think turning on the heat is for wimps. If you do, at best you may find yourself refusing to get out of bed. At worst, you could see your pipes freeze and split like a bratwurst on a hot fire. A slit bratwurst is no big deal, the pipes a little more problematic.

9 If the weather turns cold, do not avoid getting out the heavy clothes. If you do, at best you will find yourself shivering when you go outside. At worst, you could be found stiff as a board sitting on a bench waiting for the rescue dog with the brandy. (Be sure to pen a goodbye note)

8 If the weather turns cold, do not think that black spot in the road is water. If you do, at best you will only skid a little as you hit it. At worst, you will get a free spinning ride like the one you paid good money for back in July when you visited Disney World. This time though the stop may be a little more sudden.

7 If the weather turns cold, do not think that white stuff falling from the sky will go away on its own. If you do, At best you could have a hard time moving when you go outside. At worst, the buildup will be such that you are no longer able to open the doors and will have to resort to eating leftovers out of the freezer which have been in there for an eon or two. (And nothing’s marked as to content or date)

6 If the weather turns cold, do not think the outdoor plans you made in July do not need to be modified. If you do, at best you might not have much fun playing badminton in twenty-five mile an hour winds and wind-chill of minus twenty. At worst, you will lose several family members to frostbite before you realize the shirts and skins basketball game was not such a good idea.

5 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can enjoy a coffee at your usual outdoor café. If you do, at best you will find yourself hugging the cup instead of drinking it. At worst, you will be the only one outside and will remain there until the street clearing crew uncovers your carcass in the spring.

4 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to commute to work on your bicycle. If you do, at best you will arrive at work unable to release your hands from the grips. At worst, you will not be able to thaw out until after the important meeting with new clients and their comment to your boss is to the effect that you seem stiff and cold.

3 If the weather turns cold, do not take your dog for a walk without some kind of wrap on the dog. If you do at best the dog won’t want to go and will surprise you later at home. At worst, your dog will not want to go and will decide you are the one who needs to be led by the leash or worse needs to be carried back home.

2 If the weather turns cold, do not think you can continue to grill outside like it was August. If you do, At best you will be serving cold meals although not intended. At worst, you will be way too close to the grill to keep warm and chance spontaneous combustion which if happens will possibly ruin the meat as well.

1 If the weather turns cold, do not think this is a good time to finally put away the garden hoses that have been lying around the yard. If you do, at best you will have the equivalent of an octopus to manage given how stiff the hose has become. At worst, you will find that the hose is connected to the faucet and every effort to remove it leads to an expensive visit by a plumber and housing contractor not to mention the new skating rink that you used to call your backyard.