This list was inspired by standing in line at Wal-Mart to return a screwdriver that broke. I know, why would I buy a screwdriver at Wal-Mart? Long story. Let’s just say it was an emergency purchase that did not go well. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to do in Customer Service.

10 If you are next at the customer service desk, do not fall asleep. If you do, at best you will get yelled at by the crowd. At worst, you will not hear the word “Next” and will be knocked off your feet by the person behind you. This could lead to a severe injury or worse falling on your returns which could be glass Christmas ornaments.

9 If you are at the customer service desk, have your receipt ready. If you don’t, at best you will take precious time to find it causing your line mates to want to kill you with their bare hands. At worst, the time it takes to find the receipt will be multiplied exponentially for the last person in line who might just pass away from old age.

8 If you are in line at customer service, do not sigh loudly when the person in front of you does not have a receipt. If you do, at best you may get some evil looks and bad words. At worst, the person at the customer service desk will take the exception to your sigh and you may have to defend your audacity with real knuckles,

7 If you are at the customer service desk and have lost your receipt, do not try to talk the clerk into a refund. If you do, at best you will waste yours and everyone else’s time. At worst, you might just be in the presence of a classical professor from the local college who will figure out how to have you towed by your feet around the city much like Achilles dragged Hector around Troy.

6 If you are in line at customer service, do not believe you will get to the desk quickly. If you do, at best you will cause your blood pressure to rise. At worst, you will initiate internal tension that could culminate in a rampage through the store certainly leading to your arrest if not mandatory treatment in the local state mental hospital.

5 If you are planning to go to customer service, do not drink that big gulp of cola before arriving. If you do, at best you will be mildly uncomfortable as the line creeps along. At worst, you will have a full-out emergency and will be unsuccessful having someone hold your place. You will lose your place in line and have to begin all over again.

4 If you are in the customer service line and feel faint, do not fall down and try to remain in place. If you do fall down, at best you will lose your place in line. At worst you will lie in the store unnoticed by store personnel until closing time. Of course, all the patrons who pass your comatose body will secretly be grateful to you for dropping out of line and making their wait shorter.

3 If you are at the end of the line at customer service, do not look to the front for the purpose of trying to figure out how long the wait will be. If you do, at best you will calculate the wait to be more time than you thought. At worst, when you divide the amount of transaction time by the number of available hours the result will be more hours than the store is open. This will cause a feeling of panic which has at its root the fact that you traveled fifteen miles out of your way getting here and do not have the time to wait.

2 If you finally get to the front of the line at customer service, do not try to explain anything to the clerk. If you do, at best you will waste time by missing the critical questions on whether the item is damaged and would you like the refund in cash or on the card? At worst, you will tell the clerk enough to give away the fact that the item was a gift and that the receipt is actually a forgery which was produced by your uncle while currently serving time in the federal penitentiary for making phony hundred-dollar bills. (it really is a good forgery though)

1 Once you have finished with the customer clerk, do not take the time with idle chit-chat. If you do, at best you will have the clerk yelling “I can help the next customer here,” over your attempt to be friendly. At worst, you might just cause a swell behind you of those wanting you to move which might lead to several of the older people being pushed down and are incapable of getting up because their Life Alert is out of batteries and they were in line for a rain check for the battery special which now looks impossible.

Since this is Monday you should expect a Top Ten list. This week will be the same as the others for the last year. YES, here is the Ten Things Not to Do list (although a little late today). This week’s was inspired by a New Year’s Eve party I attended (or maybe many). Not saying if I was a perpetrator of any of these things, but hope you enjoy them.

Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

10 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to set a personal record for consumption of alcohol. If you do, at best your evening will close early. At worst, New Year ’s Day will represent your personal purgatory just begging for relief.

9 On New Year’s Eve, do not set resolutions that you think would be great to accomplish if you were a superhero. If you do, at best you will not last a week on your new plan. At worst, you will consider your failure at resolutions to among one of the many failures for the year and could need to be talked down off the ledge next New Year’s Eve.

8 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your good will to mankind feeling left over from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone. If you do, at best most will try to ignore your advances. At worst, there will one person who will think you are the new lost love that they have been searching for their whole life and will continue to stalk you for months in spite of the restraining order.

7 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it.

6 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of Champaign. If you do, at best you will still draw the same looks you get for the rest of the year. At worst, you will begin to gather stray cats and dogs who are thinking you are calling them for dinner while singing Auld Lang Sine.

5 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your famous green monster punch will be enjoyed by everyone. If you insist everyone try it, at best your party may end early. At worst, you may be responsible for sending some guests over the edge due to  a strong allergy to green dye and Everclear and if not an allergy certainly a diminished immunity to strong drink. (hint green carpet spots never come up)

4 On New Year’s Eve do not try to surprise your significant other with a mystery destination that you promise will make the best New Year’s Eve ever. If you do, at best you may have selected a place that has some negative memories for your significant other. At worst, you may spend the entire evening lost in a strange neighborhood which will not be the best, but maybe the most memorable as the prime reason your significant other is no longer significant and not your other.

3 On New Year’s Eve, do not get all romantic if all year you act as if romance was as welcome as the measles.  If you do, at best you will look ridiculous to whomever you are with. At worst, you could cause a major upset to the person you are normally ambivalent about and could come off as someone who should be given a fine dose of pepper spray to get your attention.

2 On New Year’s Eve, do not think it a good idea to put that lampshade on your head. If you do, at best some will laugh not with you but at you. At worst, the shade is an antique given to the host by a grandmother just before her demise and now it is on the floor under your fanny after you slipped on a bottle and fell to the floor. Oh and the video on U Tube had gone viral.

1 On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to stay up past a reasonable hour for you to retire to see the New Year in. If you do, at best the next day’s activities will be less enjoyable. At worst, you will throw off your sleep cycle which will take you several days and cups of coffee to correct not to mention falling asleep at your mother in law’s New Year’s Day family gathering and pooling drool on the damask fabric of the couch which will be your mark forever more.