Tag: fiction favorites

Top Ten Things not to Do On New Year’s Eve

~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

Happy-New-Year-2016-Wallapapers

 

For some of you, this list may look familiar since it was the list from last year. I really tried hard to come up with all new things that we should not do on New Year’s Eve, but I found myself repeating stuff I already said. So, I figured why not run the list from last year? After all, if you remember all the items then you should not be wasting your time reading this blog. You should be in Los Vegas counting cards at the blackjack table. Hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

10 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to set a personal record for consumption of alcohol. If you do, at best your evening will close early. At worst, New Year ’s Day will represent your personal purgatory just begging for relief.

9 On New Year’s Eve, do not set resolutions that you think would be great to accomplish if you were a superhero. If you do, at best you will not last a week on your new plan. At worst, you will consider your failure at resolutions to among one of the many failures for the year and could need to be talked down off the ledge next New Year’s Eve.

8 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your good will to mankind feeling left over from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone. If you do, at best most will try to ignore your advances. At worst, there will one person who will think you are the new lost love that they have been searching for their whole life and will continue to stalk you for months in spite of the restraining order.

7 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it.

6 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of Champaign. If you do, at best you will still draw the same looks you get for the rest of the year. At worst, you will begin to gather stray cats and dogs who are thinking you are calling them for dinner while singing Auld Lang Sine.

5 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your famous green monster punch will be enjoyed by everyone. If you insist everyone try it, at best your party may end early. At worst, you may be responsible for sending some guests over the edge due to a strong allergy to green dye and Everclear and if not an allergy certainly a diminished immunity to strong drink. (hint green carpet spots never come up)

4 On New Year’s Eve do not try to surprise your significant other with a mystery destination that you promise will make the best New Year’s Eve ever. If you do, at best you may have selected a place that has some negative memories for your significant other. At worst, you may spend the entire evening lost in a strange neighborhood which will not be the best, but maybe the most memorable as the prime reason your significant other is no longer significant and not your other.

3 On New Year’s Eve, do not get all romantic if all year you act as if romance was as welcome as the measles. If you do, at best you will look ridiculous to whomever you are with. At worst, you could cause a major upset to the person you are normally ambivalent about and could come off as someone who should be given a fine dose of pepper spray to get your attention.

2 On New Year’s Eve, do not think it a good idea to put that lampshade on your head. If you do, at best some will laugh not with you but at you. At worst, the shade is an antique given to the host by a grandmother just before her demise and now it is on the floor under your fanny after you slipped on a bottle and fell to the floor. Oh and the video on U Tube had gone viral.

1 On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to stay up past a reasonable hour for you to retire to see the New Year in. If you do, at best the next day’s activities will be less enjoyable. At worst, you will throw off your sleep cycle which will take you several days and cups of coffee to correct not to mention falling asleep at your mother in law’s New Year’s Day family gathering and pooling drool on the damask fabric of the couch which will be your mark forever more.

Sunday – Fifty-Two Views of the Gulf

~ John W. Howell ~ 33 Comments

IMG_1292

You can tell some rain is moving in. The waves are beginning to build and the front has produced some clouds. The daytime temps are in the 70’s and it is expected to go in the upper 40’s at night. This will be one of the last photos of this vinyl walkover. As we were walking back yesterday there were some men working on tearing it out. Not sure how we will be able to get to the water since construction of the boardwalk is expected to take at least six weeks. I think we may have to drive around since the dunes are loaded with rattle snakes and I’m sure you’ll agree it would not be good running into them. Next week should be an interesting photo. Yes that is my wife with Bailey the boxer. Lucy is up with me behind the camera.

Here is a photo of the beginning of the work. The wooden posts used to be covered in vinyl. You can see the spot where I normally take the picture way at the end by the Gulf. It is still untouched due to the sand covering the walkway.

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Last week’s photo.

2015-12-19 08.54.36

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt Socks

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

a new socs-badge-2015

 

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday again and this week’s prompt is “socks”. Linda Hill says we can use the prompt anyway we want. Now I have to ask you how many ways can you used the word “socks?” Well if you would like to know more about this program just visit Linda’s site http://lindaghill.com/2015/12/25/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-2615/ You can pick up all the info you need there. Here is my interpretation.

Socks by John W. Howell © 2015

“So what did you do after the guy socks you in the nose?’

“I stood there and cried like a baby.”

“what? You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“You don’t know how much that hurt.’

“I can imagine but to just stand there and cry doesn’t sound like you.”

“Oh, it was me alright.”

“How long did you stand there?”

“Not long. I wiped my tears, bloody nose and then got revenge.”

“Got revenge? How did you do that?”

“Well, this guy was wearing white socks see.”

“Yes.”

“He got blood all over them.”

“I don’t think that sounds like revenge. He could just wash them.”

“Oh, I should mention.”

“What?”

“I hit him with my ball bat.”

“What did he do?”

“He was on the ground out cold.”

“So you bled on his socks?”

“Poetic ain’t it?”

“I’m walking away now.”

 

Wednesday – Story Day – AKA Hump Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 32 Comments

 

Funny college 5

Wednesday story time again. Last week we left the happy family all together again. We found out there is no way Mrs. Worthe will be usurped by her husband (big surprise right?). Ben found out he is still in the group even though he suspects Mrs. Worthe of disliking him. The fact he called her Mrs Wolfe and asked her to bite him might give him that impression. So grab those air sickness bags, hold your nose, and let’s go back.

“So Ben this is the day before Christmas. Did you think we would pull this little caper before or after the holiday?”

“I am thinking we would do it on Saturday when all the students are home for the holiday.”

“Why is that?”

“I don’t think we should expose innocent people to injury.”

“OMG you have the backbone of an octopus don’t you?”

“I don’t think that’s fair. Not wanting to hurt people doesn’t mean I have no courage.”

“Well get this you little worm. If the student union isn’t packed, you’ll never get anyone to pay you anything. They’ll tell you to go ahead and blow the damn thing up. AmI right dear/”

“Yes m’love.”

“Another worm speaks.”

“Mommy. I  think we should call this whole thing off. It has gotten out of control.”

“Alexis. I thought I raised you better. What’s the rule of goal achievement?”

Don’t give up till it’s done.”

“Right. This is a goal to collect four million dollars to get us all out of hock and we are not giving up until it’s accomplished.”

“out of hock. What do you mean/?

“Your dear daddy here has blown through all your inheritance that’s what I mean.”

“Aw, no shit?’

“Yes, shit.”

“Let’s blow the sucker even if we get the four million. Hell, let’s ask ten million.”

“That’s my girl.”

“Alexis what has come over you?”

“Ben you just heard my mother. I need that inheritance given the fact that you don’t have the where with all to earn a living.”

“Now that’s cold. I’m studying to be an engineer. I will make a good living.’

“Oh and I suppose we’ll get a little cracker box in the suburbs, crank out a couple of kids, and live happily ever after.”

“Well yeah.”

“Oh please. I have more in mind for my life.”

“That’s my girl.”

“Oh shut up Mrs. Worthe.”

Tuesday – Anything Possible – Kreative Kue # 56 by Keith Channing

~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

I guess by now you all know I love writing prompts, and Keith Channing posts a picture once a week on Mondays. You can go here and see the post http://channing.info/wp/2015/12/21/kreative-kue-56/

Here is the photo and my interpretation follows.

Kreative Kue #56

Off the Road by John W. Howell © 2015

“I thought the sign was self-explanatory. Driving off the road is not allowed. What makes these damned tourists think the whole world is there for their amusement? Is is not obvious that taking a car down these stairs is a dangerous thing to do. In all my years as a park ranger, I’ve never seen anything like it. Right out of nowhere that van loaded with snot nosed kids and a couple of throwbacks to cro-magnon man come barreling off the road, down the stairs, and through the men’s room and back up on the wall and the road again. I almost believe they took that sign as a challenge. As soon as I get my clipboard I will write down that license plate number and then call it into the Tanzanian state police. They can’t get far, after all, that stone wall probably tore out their oil pan, and their engine will seize up in no time.

Let me see if I have this right. A blue-colored van with South African license plates. The driver looked like some rotter from the city. His wife was on the phone which is typical. I better repeat the number until I get to the clipboard. Let’s see DMB 187 EC. DMB 187 EC. Dumb 87 EC. Yeah, I got it. I wish the park would give me a weapon. I’d a had those two on the ground in no time. Not much I can do with a ballpoint pen and a set of keys. I was lucky to escape the way they were driving. I have to say that trash can saved me. One more time on the number DUMB 78 CE. They’ll be sorry.”

Top Ten Things Not to Wait Until the Last Minute to Do

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

Last minute

 

This list was inspired by being habitually late for most of life’s events. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Wait Until the Last Minute to Do

10 Do not wait until the last minute to get a reservation at the best restaurant. If you do, at best you might want to eat at home. At worst you could find yourself waiting in the bar until there is no longer a point in eating.(Now you have the problem of getting home)

9 Do not wait until the last minute to see if that formal outfit still fits. If you do, at best you might be going to the event a little less formal than you planned. At worst, you could find the split rear seem about two minutes after everyone else in the room. (At least, it’s not toilet tissue on your shoe)

8 Do not wait until the last minute to pull the ripcord during that parachute jump.  If you do, at best you may subject yourself to some heart-stopping moments. At worst, you will learn a hard lesson of physics where the acceleration of a falling mass reaches the speed of fifty feet per second per second. (gotta hope you have enough seconds before the ground meets you.)

7 Do not wait until the last minute to put together a Top Ten list. If you do, at best you will get to bed way too late. At worst, you will come up with something like that parachute item.( Have to promise better)

6 Do not wait until the last minute to put the holiday turkey in the oven. If you do, at best dinner will be delayed. At worst, your holiday dinner guests will have unscheduled stops at the ER on their way home. (Next time you’ll believe that thermometer)

5 Do not wait until the last minute to pay your holiday bills. If you do, at best you will get the money in before the extra charges. At worst, you realize there are more bills than money and the finance charges are like an extra car payment. (Maybe you’ll have these paid up by next December)

4 Do not wait until the last minute to give your Christmas list to Santa. If you do, at best a few of the items on your list will not be available. At worst Santa may just have to pass by your house since his elves could not make that yellow convertible fast enough. (You could have made it simpler given the lateness of the request)

3 Do not wait until the last-minute to make airline reservations to that resort for the holidays. If you do, at best your room will cost five times that of your neighbor. At worst, your selection will be limited to the Howard Johnson’s on exit 361 of the Long Island Expressway. (There is also an ice storm forecasted.)

2 Do not wait until the last minute tp pack for that holiday trip. If you do, at best you will only have to wear everything twice. At worst, you will raise all kinds of questions when you ask the front desk where to buy underwear.( Just forget the look and get a pair)

1 Do not wait until the last minute to fuel your car for the trip to the airport. If you do, at best the power failure did not include the gas station at the next exit. At worst, the only gas station open at this hour has a cash only policy and the local ATM has just been hauled away by vandals.(Notice how soon the low fuel warning light come on)

Sunday – Fifty-Two Views of the Gulf.

~ John W. Howell ~ 20 Comments

 

 

2015-12-19 08.54.38

The day is beautiful, and you can see a neighbor and his dog Reilly coming back from a walk. What you can’t see is the neighbor’s other dog Heidi barking at my feet as I take the picture.  The temp is in the 70’s with plenty of sunshine. The sun is so low this time of year that the shadows are long even in the morning. The wave action is quite minor due to the low winds.

Last week’s photo

2015-12-12 08.22.53

 

Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Prompt – “Store”

~ John W. Howell ~ 27 Comments

a new socs-badge-2015

 

It is Stream of Consciousness Saturday time again. This week’s prompt is “store.” The grand master has allowed us to use the word any way we like. If you would like to know more, please visit Linda Hill at http://lindaghill.com/2015/12/18/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-1915/. Here is my interpretation of “store.”

Store by John W. Howell © 2015

“You can put a lot of store in what he says.”

“You sure. I don’t know him well at all.”

“Yes. He’s one of those guys who when he gives you his word it’s like gold.”

“That is funny cause he said the same about you.”

“He did?”

“Yeah. He said your word was a good as fool’s gold.”

“Fool’s gold. Are you sure he said fool’s gold.”

“I remember his exact comment. He said, “That Jack’s word is like fool’s gold. A flash in the pan.”‘

“Why that no good liar.”

“I thought you said his word was gold.”

“I think I gave him too much of the benefit of the doubt.”

“I suppose if your word is like fool’s gold and then if you said someone’s word was good as gold it would be the opposite.”

“You are beginning to make sense.”

“So he is a liar then.”

“Nope. His word is as good as gold, and you can put store into what he says.”

“I get it. I think I won’t trust him.”

“I think you are a smart man.”

“Which might mean you think I’m a dummy.”

“Okay, you’re a dummy.”

“Thanks. Let’s go and get some snacks and watch the game. Who’s going to win?”

“The Steelers.”

“I think I’ll take Denver.”