The inspiration for this list is the over twenty-five mile an hour winds we have been experiencing since Thursday. Most of these warnings are a matter of common sense, but in the spirit of public service I will state the obvious. Hope you enjoy.

The Things Not to do on a Windy Day

10 On a windy day, do not think it is a good time to inspect your roof for leaks. If you do, at best the fire department rescue team will not be happy getting you down from there. At worst, you now need the rescue team to splint and bandage the results of a three-story fall. (Recall your last words? “Honest honey I’ll be careful.”)

9 On a windy day do not spit period. If you do, at best you might catch a gust in the opposite direction. At worst, you will need to pause your busy schedule for a shower. (Too bad you were eating licorice at the time.)

8 On a windy day do not think you can control the weed and grass killer spray. If you do, At best you will only take out the edge of the lawn. At worst, in three days your yard will have all the life of the Sahara Desert. (Did you not see the warning on the label? By the way, the damage is permanent)

7 On a windy day do not think you can spray paint that swing set. If you do, at best you will have an ongoing shadow of it on your lawn. At worst, the next door neighbor just realizes his new yellow convertible has a light overlay of Rustoleum brown. (Is that him at the front door with the police?)

6 On a windy day do not get up on that twenty-four-foot extension ladder. If you do, at best you will soon be calling for help as you slowly lose your grip on the top eavestrough. At worst, you and the ladder will end up in your living room after passing through the largest and most expensive picture window in the house. (Don’t worry a tourniquet properly applied will stop that gushing. You don’t know what I’m talking about you say?)

5 On a windy day do not be coerced into allowing the kids to fly their kites. If you do, at best on may be dragged through Mrs. Jones rose bushes. At worst, the FAA will be asking some tough questions about the violation of airspace by your kid and his Sponge Bob Square Pant kite.(You were almost sure that tree would have stopped him)

4 On a windy day do not think going fishing is a good way to spend the day. If you do, at best you’ll end up cold and wet without any fish. At worst, your rescue will be featured on the six o’clock news with the tagline,”Foolish tourist risks life by ignoring the small craft warnings.” (Forgot to turn on the radio did we?)

3 On a windy day do not think the golf game can go on a usual. If you do, at best you will break your record of high score and lost balls. At worst, the wind direction is such that you teed off, and the ball comes back and knocks you off your feet, and you get an expensive airlift to the hospital.(You thought that was going to be one of your longest drives)

2 On a windy day do not take a leisurely walk on the beach. If you do, at best you will be covered in sand from head to foot. At worst, you will receive a dermabrasion with the delightful side benefit of a bird dropping mask.( No. That stuff does not wash off.)

1 On a windy day do not think it is a good time to fertilize the lawn. If you do, at best you will waste a lot of fertilizer on your neighbor’s lawn and shrubs. At worst, you will end up in the pulmonology wing of the hospital as a subject of study of the after effects of poop in the lungs. (Could have worn a mask but nooo too much trouble.)