Tag: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Photographing Doors

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

This post ran on April 16, 2018. When it ran, Dan Antion was a participant in the Thursday Doors feature. He is now the lead and has just finished a major story prompt with the doors as inspiration. This post is in recognition of the outstanding job he and all the participants did on this creative effort.

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This list is inspired by the Thursday Door prompt as interpreted by Dan Antion. I have often wondered what would happen if certain things went wrong when looking at his photos. So here they are, and I’m glad to report that Dan has done none of these things.

10 If you are taking door photos, do not ignore that no trespassing sign. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning shot. At worst, the owner will have a pack of wild dogs trained to discourage trespassing. (You finally found out how quickly you can run, Donahue. Too bad those dogs are faster.)

9 If you are taking door photos, do not keep shooting pictures while Tiny, the WWF Champ, is waving at you. If you do, at best, he is friendly. At worst, he just entered the witness protection program and thinks you are on the opposite team. (This would be a good time to try out those new Nike running shoes, Donato. Oh dear, you forgot to wear them? Try not to scream then.)

8 If you are taking door photos, do not try to shoot and drive. If you do, at best, you’ll get many photos of your reflection. At worst, you are so occupied you miss that curve. (Looks like you are in someone’s bedroom, Donny. I think I would make up a story and fast.)

7 If you are taking door photos, do not continue to back up without looking behind you. If you do, at best, you’ll fall into a flower bed. At worst, you now know the meaning of free fall, Dontell. I don’t think flapping your arms is going to help. You can try it, though.)

6 If you are taking door photos, do not forget to keep your thumb out of the field of vision. If you do, at best, one or two will turn out. At worst, your door photos will all have a significant close-up of your thumb. (No matter how you try to sell the shot as artistic, Duante, everyone knows what really happened.)

5 If you are taking door photos, do not become distracted by the obscure. If you do, at best, some of your fans might enjoy the “door to the alley” shot. At worst, that close-up of a ham sandwich looks to be anything but a ham sandwich. (Looks like those comments are not going in your favor, huh Dorion?)

4 If you are taking door photos, do not focus on only those doors you like. If you do, at best, your audience will fade. At worst, after the one-hundredth shot of the Burger King entrance, someone will mercifully take your camera away from you. (You’ll be able to get it back, Doughall, after a hundred hours of community service.)

3 If you are taking door photos, do not try to include exciting people. If you do, at best, they’ll only cover up the door. At worst, you’ll have someone in your shot who has a thing about obscene gestures. (Okay I would take that one over, Draven. This is a family post, after all.)

2 If you are taking door photos, do not think the weather will cooperate. If you do, at best, some will think that door photo with snowflakes is artistic. At worst, your light setting will be thrown off by the repeated lightning strikes. (You need to find cover, Driscol. You also need to get some rubber shoes for grounding. My goodness, the last bolt did some funny things to your hair.)

1 If you are taking door photos, do not think you need to have each one be perfect. If you do, at best, you will shoot so many that you run out of memory. At worst, you will photoshop the photo until it no longer looks like the door you shot. (What makes you think folks want to see a business building door look like the entrance to the Vatican, Duff?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have a Winning Mega Millions Ticket

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments
Photo by dylan nolte on Unsplash

 

This post ran on January 8, 2018. Since there are still Mega Millions winners, it might be useful.

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This post was inspired by the fact that this week, single-winning tickets were sold for the Mega Millions and Powerball Lotto games. Since you and I don’t have to worry about how to handle these winnings, I guess this post is dedicated to those two winners of over $400 million each.

10 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not Xtweet, “Yay, I just won $400 million. If you do, at best, you’ll only have ten followers. At worst, your tweet will go viral, and you will now have a million close and personal friends. (It looks like everyone needs a loan, huh, Carmichael?)

9 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not hire Tiny, the WWF champ, as a bodyguard. If you do, at best, you’ll have to hire another to watch Tiny. At worst, Tiny cannot resist helping himself to your winnings even though he is a graduate of an intensive self-help course for kleptomaniacs. (You should have known when he showed up at your door offering his services, Carswell.)

8 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not give a press conference on national TV. If you do, at best, it will take you hours to get home because of the traffic jam around your house. At worst, you will be asked for money every place you go since you are now well-known. (Who’s bright idea was that conference, Casimero? Oh yeah, the lotto company.)

7 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not answer your phone. If you do, at best, it might be your aunt, Mary. At worst, it will be your cousin Vinny reminding you of the five-dollar bet you had back in high school. (Vinny believes that the interest on the bet now makes it worth $500,000. Told you not to answer the phone, Cassian.)

6 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not claim your prize without consulting a tax attorney. If you do, at best, you can afford the tax hit. At worst, the new tax laws will put you in a bracket called the 110 percent bracket. (Good luck in raising the extra $4o million you owe, Caster.)

5 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not go out and buy everything on the planet. If you do, at best, you’ll come to your senses while there is still money left. At worst, you’ll realize too late that there is no return guarantee on yachts, planes, castles, jewelry, and art. (Now that you have all this stuff, Cavan, maybe it is time for a garage sale.)

4 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not let it out of your sight. If you do, at best, it will still be where you left it last. At worst, the ticket will ride in your shirt pocket through the wash. (Those tickets sure come out clean, don’t they, Chadburn? You would hardly know it used to be worth $400 million.)

3 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not quit work. If you do, at best, the ticket is genuine. At worst, your ticket is not the winner due to a computer error. (So much for telling the boss where he could shove your job, huh Chiko?)

2 If you have the winning Mega Millions ticket, do not forget to look both ways before crossing the street. If you do, at best, the traffic will be light. At worst, your heirs will be enjoying the fruit of your lotto win. (It’s hard to tell where that truck came from, right, Cal?)

1 If you have the winning Mega Millions ticket, do not fail to set aside some for charity. If you do, at best, you’ll be labeled a cheap skate. At worst, you won’t get a charitable deduction, and the world will be no better off having you in it. (You wonder why dogs growl and cats hiss when you come by, Scrooge?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

~ John W. Howell ~ 91 Comments
Photo by Bruno Martins on Unsplash

 

This list was initially published on October 13, 2014. I was 73 when I wrote it, and now I am 81. Checking it over, and it still makes sense. If you are over seventy, pay attention. If not, I hope you get a few laughs.

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This list was inspired by having the opportunity to be around some of my peers over the last couple of weeks.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

10 If you are over seventy, ensure the foreign object you think is in your food is really there. If you don’t, at best, the store manager will give you your money back but will give you that “old person” roll of the eyes. At worst, the object turns out to be your glasses that fell off while you were looking closely to find out what it was. The customer service person will discover this in front of twenty other shoppers.

9 If you are over seventy, do not think you can ride a bicycle at top speed, wipe out and bounce like you did when you were fifty. If you do, at best, you will have a friendly reminder as you soak in a hot bathtub and eat aspirin like M&Ms. At worst, you will be among the lucky few spending several hours in the ER surrounded by one hundred of your closest friends who all got there ahead of you.

8 If you are over seventy, do not try to leave the house without your glasses. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to read the credit card terminal, and the total matches what you bought. At worst, you will be clueless when the bank teller asks you to sign the withdrawal slip made out for you, and four days later, you read in the newspaper that the teller is spending three weeks in Aruba.

7 If you are over seventy, do not decide the surfing competition looks winnable since there is only one entrant in the seventy and above bracket. If you do, at best, you will have nothing more catastrophic than looking like a fool. At worst, you will wipe out and ground yourself on the beach, where the medal committee will erect a monument in your honor.

6 If you are over seventy, do not think your dance routine is still in. If you do, at best, the rest of the crowd will be laughing behind your back. At worst, your performance will take up so much room and bump so many people the bouncer will remove you for your own protection.

5 If you are above seventy, do not go anywhere near a Karaoke machine. If you do, at best, you will get a short slow song you can handle poorly. At worst, you will pull a rap number and scare yourself with the words that scroll across the screen, reminding you that being scared is not suitable for your pacemaker performance or your underwear.

4 If you are over seventy, never drive in the left lane. If you do, at best, you will wonder what all those hand signals mean in the context of driving. At worst, you will have a monster truck come so close to your rear bumper you will be forced to look in the rearview mirror only to swerve into some hapless seventy-year-old next to you.

3 If you are over seventy, do not raise your arms above your head if you are wearing short sleeves; if you do, at best, you won’t notice the extra movement of skin and will think the wind is picking up. At worst, you will cause enough stares to stop traffic with those undulating biceps that seem to have headed south.

2 If you are over seventy, do not go to a restaurant any earlier than 7:00. If you do, at best, you will get the early bird menu and won’t really find green Jell-O to your liking. At worst, a youthful server will insist that you will genuinely enjoy the breaded fish sticks instead of the sizeable juicy steak you intended. “Besides,” she says. “It is much easier to chew.”

1 If you are over Seventy, do not try to tell stories about how great it was in the old days. If you do, At best, you will be finishing your stories to yourself. At worst, you will notice people running away as you come close, and it won’t be because you have worn the same clothes for five days. (well, maybe)

Top Ten Things Not to do If you are a New First-Time Parent

~ John W. Howell ~ 122 Comments
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

 

This list appeared on November 23, 2015. Since parents are still having kids, I think it might be useful

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This list was inspired by watching new parents having some challenges with raising their kids. Unfortunately, sometimes the stress was self-induced, and some good counseling could have avoided the scene.

Top Ten Things Not to do If you are a New First-Time Parent

10 If you are a new first-time parent, do not think your child needs to be the first in your circle to do everything. If you do, at best, you will be headed for some disappointment. At worst, you will spend needless cash on child and adult psychologists seeking explanations for unnecessary problems. (Have you ever met an adult who wasn’t potty trained?)

9 If you are a new first-time parent, do not dress your child as an adult. If you do, at best, your friends will think you missed something in your childhood. At worst, your child will notice they are a little out of place with the other kids leading to other self-image issues. (The first hint is when your five-year-old asks for a Porsche for Christmas)

8 If you are a new first-time parent, do not take your toddler to an elegant restaurant for a late-night dinner. If you do, at best, your child will be miserable being up too late in an unfamiliar environment. At worst, the rest of the restaurant patrons will draw straws to see who calls Child Protective Services. (You are used to the crying, right?)

7 If you are a new first-time parent, do not stress over preschool choices. If you do, at best, you will need medication to get through the process. At worst, you will become so obsessed with the so-called right school that you will never be satisfied if you are not successful in enrolling your child. (Isn’t preschool supposed to be enjoyable?)

6 If you are a new first-time parent, do not worry about the nursery’s color. If you do, at best, your child will not notice the color for a few months. At worst, your worry will be another stress point that a newborn will recognize. (So you have a boy in pink and a girl in blue. Only your in-laws will care.)

5 If you are a new first-time parent, do not buy quantities of clothes and accessories thinking you are saving money. If you do, at best, your child will outgrow the stuff in a month or two, and you will be able to return the excess. At worst, you lose your receipt and find yourself cutting off the feet of onesies so you won’t have to throw them away. (That Costco run really didn’t pay, did it?)

4 If you are a new first-time parent, do not read a bunch of childcare books. If you do, at best, you will be totally confused about what to do. At worst, you will have contradictory opinions, and you will need to toss a coin to decide. (Trust a coin on a fever cause and treatment? I don’t think so)

3 If you are a new first-time parent, do not believe you have to record every minute of the child’s life. If you do, at best, you will watch your child grow up through the camera viewfinder. At worst, your child will think life is only real if it is captured on film. (Maybe put the camera down and pick up the kid.)

2 If you are a new first-time parent, do not buy toys that are not age-appropriate. If you do, at best, your child will not play with them. At worst, you’ll enjoy playing with the toys and be accused of purchasing the toys on purpose. (Tsk, tsk, tsk)

1 If you are a new first-time parent, do not think you will have to survive on little sleep for the rest of your life. If you do, at best, you will think you need to run away. At worst, you will want to take the child to the pediatric return desk only to find it doesn’t exist. (Don’t worry, the lack of sleep thing only lasts a couple of years – uh, maybe eighteen)

Top Ten Things Not to do While Watching Football on TV

~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

Since the American football season is underway, I thought it would be good to pull forward a post that ran on September 25th, 2015. The season starts earlier this year, so hopefully, mistakes can be avoided. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Watching Football on TV

10 If you are watching football, do not work on your finances. If you do, at best, you might have to redo the numbers every time an announcer mentions a score. At worst, you could have a problem when your bank calls about a deposit slip that reads first and ten. (Sure, you can explain that to the bank teller)

9 If you are watching football, do not try to carry on a conversation. If you do, at best, you will not fool anyone when you answer the wrong question with the wrong answer. At worst, you could be vulnerable to saying yes to one of those tricky issues relating to vacation destinations or furniture style. (Hope you enjoy the 24-hour hot yoga class while on vaycay)

8 If you are watching football, do not try to write a post for Monday. If you do, at best, you may miss a mistook or two. At worst, the logic and care you put into your writing may be lost as you get muddled in your thought process and try desperately to make a comeback but find yourself fighting out of an awkward place and running eighty yards for a touchdown. (This shows you can obviously watch and write at the same time)

7 If you are watching football, do not try to figure out how to install that iPhone app. If you do, at best, you’ll never get your Apple password correct. At worst, you will fail to notice the $99.00 cost of the “Write like Steven King” app you just installed. (You can bet it works too)

6 If you are watching football, do not try to help the kids with their homework. If you do, at best, you will demonstrate why they should never ask again. At worst, your help is the impetus for the remedial intervention program in which they become enrolled at the school. (Well, you did try hard, didn’t you?)

5 If you are watching football, do not try to cook an elaborate meal. If you do, at best, the ingredients you forgot won’t be missed. At worst, you will have made a concoction that the government will want to use to undermine the morale of enemy troops. (You thought it was going to be perfect. Right?)

4 If you are watching football, do not try to talk on the phone to your boss. If you do, at best, your lack of attention will not be held against you. At worst, your boss will think you have some cognitive problem and assume you are drinking. (Too bad your boss has been to rehab cause now you are going)

3 If you are watching football, do not answer the door and have visitors drop in. If you do, at best, you will ignore them. At worst, you will offend the folks who stopped by not paying attention to them, and they happen to be the people in charge of the pre-school home visit staff. (This was the premier pre-school in your state)

2 If you are watching football, do not assume everyone in your household shares your passion. If you do, at best, you will wonder why you are watching the game alone. At worst, you might even find you are home alone, and there is no note telling where everyone has gone. (Hard to believe not everyone wants to watch twelve hours of Football on the weekend, hey, Bucky)

1 If you are watching football, do not commit to watching the kids. If you do, at best, they will not wander out of the house. At worst, you will be investigated by CPS for keeping the kids tied to the couch for a full four quarters. (You might have gotten away with just a half)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Editing Your Book.

~ John W. Howell ~ 100 Comments
Photo by Hannah Grace on Unsplash

This post was initially run on November 7th, 2016. However, life is still the same, and I hope you enjoy it again.

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The inspiration for this list is, well, frankly, my latest labor over the editing process. I hope you enjoy the list, and I have done some of these things.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Editing Your Book.

10 If you are editing, do not think glasses of wine make the work go easier. If you do, at best, you’ll just have to do it over. At worst, you might inadvertently delete several chapters of your book under the belief that you have better ones in mind. (Aren’t you glad you had that backup file Goof-ball?)

9 If you are editing, do not think you can watch the football game while you work. If you do, at best, you will catch all your mistakes on the second go around. At worst, you think you found them all only to discover in reading a review the question, “What does a touchdown have to do with the relationship?” (Hmm, you can explain that, can’t you, Bunkie?)

8 If you are editing, do not decide to change a character’s name with “find and replace.” If you do, At best, you’ll catch the ones missed. At worst, you will have a new character named JerryTinyO.” (That extra space sure made a difference. Oh, and Tiny would like to see you. He’s over at the gym straightening out horseshoes.)

7 If you are editing, do not believe long breaks will enhance your work. If you do, at best, you will be editing this book forever. At worst, your continuity will go out the window, and your book will read like a short story collection. (You had not intended to publish short stories, did you, Ferd?”)

6 If you are editing, do not ask your friends to read the new edits. If you do, at best, the opinions will be so varied you’ll be confused. At worst, you will realize you need new friends and a new book. (You now wish you had just given it to an editor, right?)

5 If you are editing, do not try to do the whole thing in one sitting. If you do, at best, you will be exhausted. At worst, you may stop caring how the stupid book comes out and just want to get the damn thing done. (Your two-star reviews aren’t much of a reward, are they?)

4 If you are editing, do not snack to reduce stress. If you do, at best, you’ll need extra exercise hours. At worst, your snacking will resemble a runaway train from which there is no return. (Getting a grip is much more complicated when more of you, isn’t it?)

3 If you are editing, do not believe the rest of the family understands your pain. If you do, at best, you’ll feel misunderstood. At worst, you will constantly think of ways to take your angst out on your characters. (This book has taken on a sinister air, hasn’t it, Stephen?)

2 If you are editing, do not abandon personal hygiene. If you do, at best, you will be alone. At worst, your family could seek council with the local mental health provider, and you’ll get more help than you need. (You can still type with that white jacket on. Right, Buford?)

1 If you are editing, know when it is time to stop. If you don’t, at best, you will never finish the book. At worst, you will suffer PETS (Post Editing Traumatic Syndrome) and never sleep again. (You need to stop going over the text in your head. It has been published already.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.

~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

This post originally ran on October 6th, 2016. It still looks like good advice. I hope you enjoy it.

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Photo by Timeo Buehrer on Unsplash

The inspiration for this list came as I walked around the Mustangfest on Saturday. I swear all of these are made up, and I did not use actual personal experiences to compile this list. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.

10 If you attend an auto show, do not touch the cars. If you do, at best, you will be reminded not to do it. At worst, that tall guy with the polish cloth heading in your direction has orders to use his knuckles if necessary to keep people back from the cars. (Just your luck, his T-shirt has “Punch First, Ask Second” silk-screened on the front)

9 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the owner how much was spent on the restoration. If you do, at best, you’ll get a vague answer like “too much.” At worst, you will get an actual number that is said within earshot of the owner’s spouse, followed by a round of bickering. (You can’t escape this one and find yourself on the receiving end of blows from both.)

8 If you attend an auto show, do not insist on a ride in one of the cars. If you do, at best, the owner will try to ignore you. At worst, the owner will call security to have you escorted out. (Security just happens to be handled by the Oakland, California chapter of the Hell Angles. Yes, Tiny is President and happy to help you out.)

7 If you attend an auto show, do not take pictures of cars and people without permission. If you do, at best, you’ll be kindly asked to stop. At worst, you can reclaim your camera in stall one of the men’s room. (It is amazing how low the tolerance level was when you snapped that flash into the face of the big guy asking you to stop.)

6 If you attend an auto show, do not set a beverage container on a car. If you do, at best, you will be asked to leave. At worst, you will cause an apoplectic reaction from the owner that will require an EMS intervention. (I’ll bet you never saw that shade of red on a human face before, did you? Oh, by the way, Tiny was asking around for you.)

5 If you attend an auto show, do not point out flaws in the car to the owner. If you do, at best, the owner will walk away. At worst, you will have said enough to trigger the set point for past anger issues, and the consequences will be noisy at best. (You never knew you could run that fast, primarily through crowds of people. How did you know this was the owner’s first day out of the institution?)

4 If you attend an auto show, do not open anything on the car that isn’t already open. If you do, at best, you will be asked kindly to leave the vehicle alone. At worst, you will open the door, lid, or hatch to a potentially embarrassing situation. (How did you know seven days of laundry was in that trunk?)

3 If you attend an auto show, do not let the children run free. If you do, at best, they will behave as you have taught them. At worst, that all-day sucker that is missing will show up inside the award-winning convertible. (The sad part is your child cries out, “Hey, that’s my sucker,” as the man tries to remove it from his white leather seat. The crowd now turns to you.)

2 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the car owner’s spouse about the family participation in the hobby. If you do, at best, you will get a short reply that broadcasts resentment. At worst, you’ll get an invitation to have a drink that will turn into a four-hour complaint session resulting in a slurred outburst against the whole idea. (Another fine fix you are in, hey, Bunkie. You are lucky not to be named a co-respondent in the divorce.)

1 If you attend an auto show, do not attempt to impress the muscle car owner with the performance attributes of your Prius. If you do, at best, the scoff gives you a hint to move on. At worst, the owner will call a few friends over so that there will be an audience to witness the put-down. (What ever made you think muscle car love had anything to do with fuel economy?)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do On College Campus Visits

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments
Photo by Alexander Schimmeck on Unsplash

This post was published on June 13th, 2016. However, I think there still might be advice worth repeating.

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It is time for those beautiful college tours for the children going into their senior year of high school. This list has inspiration from a foggy memory of such visits fifteen years ago. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are visiting a college, do not stop in the bookstore first. If you do, at best, you will be overwhelmed by the assortment. At worst, you will buy a bunch of stuff only to learn that your child “hates this place.” (Well, it figures, doesn’t it? Waldo.)

9 If you are visiting a college, do not wear clothing from another school. If you do, at best, the personnel will think you haven’t a clue. At worst, your shirt will distract the student guide, and they will forget half of what you wanted to know. (You could have picked a non-rival, right?)

8 If you are visiting a college, do not feed the mascot. If you do, at best, the guard will ask you to leave. At worst, that cookie you just tossed the bear is the only thing on the planet to which it has an allergy. (There’s nothing like CPR on a sweating, hairy monster with the lousy breath, huh, Pilgrim?)

7 If you are visiting a college, do not interrupt the tour guide. If you do, at best, they will forget where they were and will have to start from the beginning. At worst, your tour guide is a fragile human being who was encouraged to lead tours as a method of building self-confidence and is now in a pool of tears trying to survive a complete meltdown. (Well, you could have waited until the recording was over)

6 If you are visiting a college, do not make fun of tradition. If you do at best, you will see some severe frowns. At worst, the massive varsity football player who just got drafted by the Oakland Raiders will want to talk to you in private. (So what does it hurt not to snicker when everyone says, “Howdy” to you.)

5 If you are visiting a college, do not go to one where your child has zero chance of being accepted. If you do, at best, they will suddenly see what they will be missing. At worst, they will decide that this is the college for them and none other will do. (Now, this is a fine kettle of fish we’ve gotten ourselves into, Laurel)

4 If you are visiting a college, do not just visit those with big-time sports teams. If you do, at best, some good schools can be overlooked. At worst, maybe your child has no interest in sports, and you’ll realize too late that they are here because you want to be here. (You already went to school. Give it up, Bucky)

3 If you are visiting a college, do not engage your tour guide in a discussion about tuition. If you do, at best, they will direct you to the provost’s office. At worst, you will be bringing new information to a student tour guide who will become increasingly concerned about the cost enough to get a job and flunk out. ( Never saw that one coming, did ya? Bud.)

2 If you are visiting a college, do not think acceptance will be automatic. If you do, at best, you will start to make plans that won’t materialize. At worst, you might just give the impression to everyone you meet that you think the entrance is a slam dunk, and there are more than enough who will want to thwart that view. (What a surprise on rejection letter day.)

1 If you are visiting a college, do not talk about your college experiences. If you do, at best, the students will think you have never grown up. At worst, your child will want to find a deep hole and a dump truck and guess who is the cargo. (None of those kids are interested in ancient history pops unless it is a required course, and maybe not even then)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if Your Inhibitions Have Been Set Free.

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments
Photo by Peter Conlan on Unsplash

This post ran in June of 2015. However, I think it may still have some worthy seeds of advice.

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The inspiration for this list is a lifetime of observation of people’s behavior who finally let down their defenses. The lowering of defenses may have resulted from being over-served or just a decision of not wanting to hold back any longer.  Although becoming open and honest without pretense can be the right thing, the consequences of Id liberation make such a move potentially the source of regret.  I hope you enjoy the list.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do if Your Inhibitions Have Been Set Free.

10 If you feel uninhibited, do not free your body from clothes to match your mind. If you do, at best, you will be all alone in the woods. At worst, you will become aware of your condition as the mall cops wrestle you to the floor and try to hide your parts. (Besides, i’s cold on that floor.)

9 If you feel uninhibited, do not ignore the speed laws. If you do, at best, you’ll get home in one piece. At worst, you will find it hard to explain to the justice system that you no longer think the laws of the land apply to you since you feel free. (You will also risk having a mandatory psych evaluation before your trial.)

8 If you feel uninhibited, do not walk out of a store with unpaid merchandise. If you do, at best, you can explain you forgot to check out, and no harm done. At worst, you will be escorted to the rear of the store by a guy with SECURITY on his shirt. (Walking past the fifth grade class of your kid’s school on their annual retail field trip.)

7 If you feel uninhibited, do not overestimate the value of the truth. If you do, at best, your truthful comments will be limited to the weather. At worst, your truth-telling on some subjects will lead you to be asked to leave the country for good by some somber-looking people. (Their shirts have the word ICE on them. They are not selling drinks.)

6 If you feel uninhibited, do not blow your horn to encourage the pack of Hells Angles to get out of your way. If you do, at best, they might move over to let you pass. At worst, you will find yourself on the back of a Harley Softail hanging on to Moose for dear life with the next stop in Sturgis. (Oh, and your car is in several of the member’s saddlebags. (They promise they will put it back together after the rally.)

5 If you feel uninhibited, do not tell the checkout person about all the things you couldn’t find today. (Even if asked) If you do, at best, you will realize no one cares about what you couldn’t find. At worst, the checkout person will call the manager with the words “whining customer on register four.” (Those behind you will be calling for some tar and feathers.)

4 If you feel uninhibited, do not take the survey you are offered during your call to customer service of the electric company to report that your power has been off for four hours. If you do, at best, you will not see your power for three days. At worst, your survey will be handed to the uncooperative employee you talked with and includes your home address, phone number, and hours when your electricity usage is lowest. (You will wonder what that black car is doing across the street every night. Hint, leave town)

3 If you feel uninhibited, do not answer the question, “Where would you like to go for dinner?” If you do, at best, you will resent the fact you had to decide the rest of the night. At worst, you will rant about why you always have to arrange everything. You will ask, “Why just this once can’t you make the $#@*&% decision.” (The result will be carry-out and total silence at dinner and for the rest of the month.)

2 If you feel uninhibited and someone from management asks what you think should be done to improve the workplace, do not tell everyone what you think. If you do, at best, your coworkers will endeavor to move away from you. At worst, you will, in two minutes of meaningful suggestions, render yourself a pariah. (And a perfect candidate for that assignment in Iraq.)

1 If you feel uninhibited, do not visit any store with merchandise priced any higher than a dollar. If you do, At best, you will snap out of it in time. At worst, you will finally be stopped by the credit card security group, which honestly believes your card has been stolen. (Your limit was reached in only two stops, and one was a diamond store.)