As you can imagine, all ten not-to-dos are the same. Do not forget to fill your heart with peace and love this Christmas Day.

 

This post ran on December 24th, 2018. I hope you can enjoy it again.

* * *

This Top Ten list of what not to do continues with a historical backdrop. On December 24th, 1818, the Christmas carol “Silent Night” composed by Franz Xaver Gruber was first sung at St Nicholas parish church in Oberndorf, Austria. If you time travel, here is a list that might keep you from making a mistake and prepare you for a Merry Christmas.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Singing of Silent Night in 1818 by John W. Howell © 2018

10 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not sing off-key. If you do, at best, the crowd will cover you up. At worst, the choir director will call a couple of big guys and have you removed. (We know you love to sing, Gerrald. You just have to sing more quietly.)

9 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to avoid contributing to the collection plate being passed by Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, Tiny won’t notice. At worst, Tiny, who promised 10% of his earnings to the church, will take offense. (Being held upside down and shaken until the coins fall is not the best thing, Gerritt. It sure beats a windmill body slam, though.)

8 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your “Happy Birthday JC” Christmas sweater. If you do, at best, most will not understand the message. At worst, a six-foot-seven Knight of the Templer will take it upon himself to eliminate your sweater ( I think I would offer to take the garment off and do some kind of penance, Giacomo. Otherwise, he will keep applying pressure to your head.)

7 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not arrive late for the service. If you do, at best, there will be a seat in the back pew. At worst, you will be directed to the front bench. (While you are taking that long walk, Gibson, the director, is holding his baton in mid-air, waiting for you to reach your seat. Good thing you wore a red scarf. Your face matches it correctly.)

6 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not think you know the words, and avoid using the hymnal. If you do, at best, you’ll only be noticed by a few. At worst, the entire congregation will be nudging each other and pointing, as you get most wrong. ( You can almost feel the mocking, can’t you, Gille? Wait until you turn around to leave.)

5 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not fall asleep during the sermon. If you do, at best, only the priest will know. At worst, your snoring is the subject of more than a few giggles. (Sadly, the priest decides to use you as an example of the sinning world. Oh, and don’t compliment the priest on his sermon on the way out, Gimle.)

4 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not finish that 32-ounce big gulp tankard before you arrive at the service. If you do, at best, the service will be short. At worst, the service turns into the highest mass with the most ritual possible. (After the first hour, you are beginning to openly sweat, Girisha. I would pray harder for mercy.)

3 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your Long Live France t-shirt. If you do, at best, most will not remember the War of the Seventh Coalition in 1815. At worst, most of the congregation are veterans of the war. (It looks like you have hit a sore point, Guiliano. I think you might want to exit through the side door.)

2 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not go a-wassailing for too many wassails before the service. If you do, at best, the cold night air will straighten you out. At worst, you’ll accidentally do a header into the pew in front of you. (I know you just meant to bow your head, Gleipnif. Try telling that to the spinster on whom you are laying.)

1 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to sneak out without shaking the priest’s hand. If you do, at best, the side door will be unlocked. At worse, you choose the wrong door and realize you are now in the priest’s vestment room. (Funny how that door locked behind you, Godfrey. You will now have the pleasure of explaining precisely what you are doing here once the priest is finished shaking hands.)

This post was initially run on December 16th, 2016. Parties and our behavior at them have not changed much, so I hope you enjoy it again. If you remember it from the last time, you probably don’t need the advice given here.

* * *

The inspiration for this list has been an adult life-long fascination with human interactions. There is no time like the holidays to go out and get an actual feeling of how people interrelate. I may have published some of these points under a different context, but it still bears repeating some of the advice again. I cannot swear I haven’t done any of these, but I don’t think so. Also, a message to the Yale School of Psychology. This is all in fun and should not be used as part of the curriculum dealing with Holiday stress. With that disclaimer, here we go.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Holiday Party

10 At a holiday party, do not assume because the drinks are free, you can have all you want. If you do, at best, you will find the next morning that the drinks were not free after all. At worst, you might wake up in the guest room bathtub and have no idea how you got there. (Your host was very pleased when you locked the door to the only bathroom in the house. Too bad the pounding on the door didn’t give you a hint, Bunky.)

9 At a holiday party, do not think an informal atmosphere will lend itself to getting closer to your boss. If you do, At best, you will only say one stupid thing. At worst, you wake up at 3:00 am realizing you told your boss exactly what you thought of the latest project. (Now you also remember the hurt look on the boss’ face since it was a pet project. Maybe you can say you had a brain aneurysm, huh, Ferd?)

8 At a holiday party, do not double dip from the crab spread. If you do, at best, no one will notice, and you’ll be safe. At worst, unfortunately, you chose the moment when the boss was doing a video panorama and are now a piece of history. (The playback at the office caused a noticeable groan from your co-workers, and several grabbed their zinc inhalers. Why you had to sneeze right after the double dip is anybody’s guess.)

7 At a holiday party, do not think of arriving without a host gift. If you do, at best, you might be able to sneak in unnoticed. At worst, the host had requested in the invitation to bring an unwrapped toy for a needy child. (That will teach you to ignore letters. You never sent an RSVP either, did you, Buster?)

6 At a holiday party, do not think everyone wants to sing carols. If you do, at best, you may be doing a solo. At worst, you will be so annoying that the host will ask his cousin Tiny, with WWF champ, to see you to the door. (Tiny’s method of seeing people to the door is very similar to his winning body slam in the ring. Don’t worry, nothing’s broken. It’s all fake, remember?)

5 At a holiday party, do not try to get away with bringing a  cheap bottle of wine as a gift. If you do, at best, no one will see you set it down. At worst, your host will thank you and suggest that you open it immediately to share with the guests. (Two-buck Chuck is so well-known, Oscar, that your face is now the color of the wine.)

4 At a holiday party, do not attempt to have controversial discussions with each conversation. If you do, at best, you’ll end up talking to the dog. At worst, you’ll spark a debate that will ultimately engulf the entire room and eventually lead to the arrival of a SWAT team. (Well, you did learn that politics is a hot subject, didn’t you, Bucky?)

3 At a holiday party, do not think you have to entertain everyone with your jokes. If you do, at best, you’ll find out quickly you are no Henny Youngman. At worst, most in attendance will enquire of the host about that strange person who is not funny. (The beautiful thing is your boss’ boss took down your name which should lead to some good stuff. Maybe at the next company, huh, Milton?)

2 At a holiday party, do not suggest everyone go out into the snow to see how beautiful the lights look. If you do, at best, no one will follow you. At worst, your host will open the front door and promptly slam and lock it after you are gone. (It seemed like a good idea at the time, didn’t it, Roscoe?. Now you need to call and get your shoes back.)

1 At a holiday party, do not ignore someone who asks for your keys. If you do, at best, you will be breaking the law. At worst, you could be responsible for hurting yourself and, more importantly, an innocent victim. (Obviously, we all should remember not to drink and drive this holiday season.)

 

The golf cart has become a significant form of transportation here in Lakeway. Mainly because the town was built around several golf courses. This post originally ran on December 4, 2017. Since I see golf carts everywhere, I think it is still valid.

10 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the safety belts are there as a bit of humor. If you do, at best, you’ll get a $150.00 ticket. At worst, you will find yourself outside the cart at the first bump. (You didn’t think nineteen miles per hour could cause you to pitch out onto the street, right, Chadwick?)

9 If you are on a golf cart, do not expect Tiny, the WWF champ who has just left his weight training class, to yield to you. If you do, at best, you will miss each other in the middle of the street. At worst, Tiny will stop your cart and then show you how he can press the hardware with you on it. (Watch that trip down when Tiny drops the whole mess on the street, Chalmar.)

8 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can ignore the traffic rules. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning. At worst, you and the cart will be under arrest. (You gotta envy the fact that the cart gets to stay outside the jail, don’t you, Chas?)

7 If you are on a golf cart, do not try a turn at full speed. If you do, at best, you may blow a tire. At worst, as you take the curve on two wheels, all your belongings and half your family will be dumped on the street. (You will have a tough time explaining your maneuver to those in the emergency room, Chauncy.)

6 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can go twenty miles an hour under the speed limit on the main road. If you do, at best, you’ll realize soon you need to get off. At worst, an irate driver will help you, along with little concern for your welfare. (You didn’t know a golf cart being pushed by an eighteen-wheeler could go that fast, did you, Chetwin? Also, you didn’t have that white hair before the lift, did you?)

5 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can carry more people than the number of places to sit. If you do, at best, the golf cart won’t have enough power to move. At worst, you will lose a couple of the standing-room-only passengers on the first turn. (You say one of those thrown into a cactus patch was your boss, Clemens?)

4 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have the right of way because you are smaller. If you do, at best, you’ll just get an air horn warning. At worst, you will be trying to return a flattened golf cart. (The cart store proprietor doesn’t have much of a sense of humor, does he, Clovis?)

3 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the police will ignore drinking and driving. If you do, at best, your friends won’t let you drive. At worst, you’ll try to explain to the officer why you think a golf cart is just a toy. (Looks like the punishment is the same as a car, Cowen. Hope you have a spare $15,000.)

2 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to wave to everyone you pass. If you do, at best, you’ll be taken as an idiot. At worst, people will think you are a politician and will chase you off the beach. (Oh, you are, in fact, running for office, Creighton. I would move off the beach fast.)

1 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to display several flags. If you do, at best, folks will think you work for the circus. At worst, all that flapping in the wind will slow you down and make you lose your hearing. (You think that the “It’s five o’clock somewhere” flag is unique, don’t you, Cydney?)

 

The inspiration for this list came naturally from having decorated several houses over the years. I guess I could be guilty of some of these, but not all. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not ignore the number of lights on a continuous string instruction on the lights. If you do, at best, you will trip a circuit breaker. At worst, you may take down the Eastern seaboard grid. (Who’s going to pay that bill, Caelan? Don’t forget the lawsuits that range anywhere from unwanted pregnancy to being trapped in an elevator.)

9 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not hire unlicensed contractors, especially if they are named Tiny, the WWF champ who just got out of confined anger management care. If you do, at best, you may get off with a broken window or two. At worst, you may find your lights wadded in a ball in your neighbor’s living room. (How were you to know your neighbor would yell at Tiny and tell him to turn down the rap music, Cane? Also, how would you know Tiny would jump through your neighbor’s roof and take out a floor and ceiling on his way to the living room. The big question to be answered now is where is Tiny and your neighbor?)

8 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use the twenty-four-foot ladder to reach the peak of the roof. If you do, at best, you’ll be stopped by someone who loves you. At worst, you’ll plant that corner star just before your free fall to eternity. (Man. that was a mammoth first step down, wasn’t it Calder?)

7 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think all garland is alike. If you do, at best, you’ll have a mismatched mess. At worst, just as you finish with the final strand and just before frostbite sets in, you will be told to change it. (You had the courage to go up on that ladder once, huh, Caly? How about now?)

6 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think you must out-decorate your neighbor. If you do, at best, you’ll end up spending too much money. At worst, your neighbor increased his light and display capability last year when all the decorations were seventy percent off. (He has way too much stuff for you to finish on top, Carlton. You may take a lesson and wait for the sale and catch him next year.”

5 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think everyone in the neighborhood likes all green lights. If you do, at best, there will be no comments. At worst, you will find a picture of your house on Facebook with the caption, “The most non-original decoration on the planet.” (Kinda hurts your feelings, doesn’t it? Cartland? Green is your favorite color.)

4 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to fasten the decorations well. If you do, at best, there will be no wind. At worst, your decorations will be at the mercy of the nighttime winter winds. (It is no problem collecting your lights from the next-door neighbor, right Chadwick?)

3 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to double-check the timer. If you do, at best, the lights will come on too early. At worst, the lights will come on at the right time but burn throughout the night (What would be even worse is they come on at six am and go off at six pm, Chas.)

2 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use blow-up lawn decorations. If you do, at best, they look like piles of plastic during the day. At worse, the blow-up machine could get a short, and your blow-up decoration looks like an entry in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. (Whoever thought Rudolf could get that big just before he exploded, Clemens?)

1 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not have Holiday music on an outdoor speaker. If you do, at best, your neighbors will complain. At worst, you unknowingly violated the town noise ordinance. (Not a good idea to tell the SWAT team to get off your property, Cleveland. Too bad about that new storm door.)

This post ran on November 13, 2017. I think the advice may hold. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

The inspiration for this list is the approaching holidays, where families all gather around and play a board game or two. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Playing Board Games

10 If you are playing a board game, do not insist on using the same token as last year. If you do, at best, you will be teased for being a stick in the mud. At worst, you’ll have to sit out the game since your older brother already laid claim to the piece. (You believe he did that on purpose, don’t you, Chester?)

9 If you are playing a board game, do not argue with Tiny the WWF champ, who is spending the holidays at your house as part of a prison holiday release program, when he lays down a scrabble word XXZZWMP. If you do, at best, you’ll need to leave the game. At worst, you’ll need to find some ice for that black eye. (Mama said not to argue with Tiny, didn’t she, Conor?)

8 If you are playing a board game, do not think by getting monopolies on all the properties, you will win. If you do, at best, no one will have money left. At worst, you could be the cause of your unemployed brother-in-law to go off the deep end. (Maybe you should have let him have a few wins, Collin. You need to talk him down off the roof.)

7 If you are playing a board game, do not start bellyaching if you must go to jail. If you do, at best, the other players will make fun of you. At worst, you will cause everyone to decide to do something different. (Not much fun playing the game alone, is it, Cyrus?)

6 If you are playing a board game, do not try to mark the career cards so you can pick the best career. If you do, at best, you might get caught. At worst, even if you cheat, you lose anyway. (How does this happen, Chance? With a name like yours, you could have just played the game.)

6 If you are playing a board game, do not shout out who killed Mr. Boddy of Tudor Mansion until all the clues are exposed. If you do, at best, the game is over. At worst, you will be eating Thanksgiving dinner outside on the porch. (Kind of chilly here in Minnesota at Thanksgiving, huh, Cecil?)

5 If you are playing a board game, do not set that BIG GULP cup too close to the game. If you do, at best, the condensation off the cup may get some money wet. At worst, an excited player will inadvertently tip the cup over. (Guess where all that soda went, Cormac? Yup, that’s right, the tsunami of Coke and ice wiped the game out, and FEMA doesn’t want to hear about it.)

4 If you are playing a board game, do not think you must play until there is a clear winner. If you do at best, it will be hours. At worst, the game could go on for the entire weekend. ( you planned on doing other things, didn’t you, Crispin? Like take a shower.)

3 If you are playing a board game, do not slip from reality. If you do, at best, others will notice. At worst, you will need to decompress once the game is over. (Your psychologist is not available on Sundays, Carlin. You need to lie down.)

2 If you are playing a board game, do not try to confuse your fellow players with some off-the-wall move. If you do, at best, you will be reminded to stick to the rules. At worst, your off-the-wall move will backfire, and you’ll lose all your gold. (Now, what are you going to use for food, huh, Chase? You are beginning to feel the specter of starvation, aren’t you? What was that about reality?)

1 If you are playing a board game, do not think the rest of the players don’t notice your extra helping of $100.00 bills as you do your banking duties. If you do, at best, you’ll be asked to return the bills. At worst, you will be formally banned from the family games and turned over to the justice department for bank fraud. (Okay, so the justice department is not interested, Curt. It is still mighty embarrassing.)

 

 

This list was published on November 6, 2017. Folks still live in apartments, so I think it is relevant.

* * *

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Apartment

The inspiration for this list came as we spent some hurricane evacuation time in an apartment. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are in an apartment, do not drop your weights like the bozos at the gym. If you do, at best, the manager will visit. At worst, that last set of one hundred pounds ended with the repair bill for your floor and the ceiling below you. (That drop was pretty expensive, huh, Christopher. Luckily, there was no one in the recliner down there.)

9 If you are in an apartment, do not think your wailing guitar is appreciated by everyone at two in the morning. If you do, at best, the police will only warn you. At worst, you’ll get a visit from Tiny, the WWF champ who was just released from the sleep disorder clinic, and this was the first night he actually fell asleep. (Notice how that locked door came off the hinges, Cameron? I’d like you to meet Tiny, the big guy that looks like a freight train, and he’s headed your way.)

8 If you are in an apartment, do not rent the bottom floor unit. If you do, at best, you may get used to the noise above. At worst, you’ll finally crack and go door-pounding in the middle of the night. (Those people have every right to be afraid, Connor. It might have been a good idea to check in the mirror before doing your Shining, “Daddy’s Home” imitation.)

7 If you are in an apartment, do not cook your favorite boiled cabbage recipe except on St. Patrick’s Day. If you do, at best, your neighbors will wish for your death. At worst, the super will call in the exterminator, believing your apartment is the scene of many pests. (Be careful opening that door, Cody. That cloud left by the bug bomb explosion might take you out as well.)

6 If you live in an apartment, do not forget to lock your door. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worst, you’ll come home to a place that looks like you never lived there. (You have to wonder how a thief could take four rooms of furniture with no one noticing, don’t you, Carter?)

5 If you live in an apartment, do not throw a party unless you invite the neighbors on either side as well as above and below. If you do, at best, you might be annoyed by all the floor and ceiling pounding. At worst, you better hope everyone at the party is legal because the SWAT team coming up the stairs will want to check. (You had no idea the Jackson Twins were under twenty-one, did you, Chris. Well, it’s not going to matter that they weren’t known or invited by you and no one else either.)

4 If you live in an apartment, do not think the barbecue grill will be available when you want to use it. If you do, at best, you’ll have to wait your turn. At worst, your choice will come down to eating at midnight or a pan-fried steak. (What is it about that Teflon flavor in a great cut of meat that adds so much to the elegance of the meal, Charlie.)

3 If you live in an apartment, do not think everyone follows the shower before entering the pool rule. If you do, at best, you might be surprised by the ring. At worst, you may be caught unaware of the unofficial rule, which is, “Do not put your head under water.” (Had a bunch of unexplained sore throats lately, huh, Calvin?)

2 If you live in an apartment, do not ignore the trash pickup rules. If you do, at best, you will only have to be taught once. At worst, the pickup service will no longer stop at your door, and trying to put your trash next door will earn you a potential black eye. (That guy sure got mad when he stepped on your paper bag full of garbage, didn’t he, Cory? How is that eye, by the way?)

1 If you live in an apartment, do not pick up and shake other people’s packages that are outside their door. If you do, at best, you’ll never get caught. At worst, you just shook a package as the recipient’s door opened. (The bad part was it was a gift of six Baccarat champagne flutes, which are now dust, Clark. I don’t think saying, “Oh, I think this is yours, my mistake,” is going to cover this one up.)

 

This post ran on October 30, 2017. Since Halloween is almost here, I think it is still good advice.

* * *

The inspiration for this list was seeing a guy out in public in a Halloween costume. It struck me that he was unaware of the stares and reactions of those around him. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Halloween Costume

10 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go into the bank to make a withdrawal. If you do, at best, some will only stare. At worst, the teller will not look at your withdrawal slip but assume you are holding up the bank. (That zombie makeup had her rattled, Donald. Too bad the SWAT team had no sense of humor.)

9 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you have the same powers as the superhero you are dressed to be. If you do, at best, you’ll hurt yourself. At worst, you will think you can take on Tiny, the WWF champ who is in step two of his anger management treatment. (Looks like that cape is not going to save you, Dorian. I would just go limp, and maybe Tiny will think you are dead.)

8 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go shopping at the grocery store. If you do, at best, you will have the aisles to yourself. At worst, the store manager will insist that you leave since most of his employees have locked themselves in the lounge and refused to come out. (It could be that the hatchet embedded in your skull looks too real, Dex.)

7 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the fast food drive-through. If you do, at best, you may be wearing a chocolate milkshake. At worst, the panicked employee will call 911 and drop your food outside the window. (The police are understanding, but you still have no food, Dante.)

6 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you can attend the Saturday night church service. If you do, at best, you’ll have a pew all to yourself. At worst, the minister will continually point in your direction when he comes to the phrase “Devil worship.” ( You didn’t realize Halloween is not a big thing in your church, huh, Dacey?)

5 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not keep your doctor’s appointment. If you do, at best, you will empty the waiting room. At worst, your doctor will assume you have had a massive mental breakdown and will call the county home for a pickup. (The clown  makeup and white straight jacket is quite a look, Dagwood.)

4 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not drive on the freeway. If you do, at best, you’ll get some weird looks. At worst, you will shock the fragile person in the vehicle next to you, and they will turn into your car as a defensive move. (The cop insists it’s your fault for scaring the wimp next to you, Dalbert.)

3 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go next door to borrow a cup of sugar. If you do, at best, you won’t get the sugar. At worst, your NRA member next-door neighbor will not recognize you and will only quit shooting when you dive into your house. (What would have happened if your neighbor was a good shot, Damek?)

2 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best, you’ll get home without incident. At worst, you’ll be pulled over and, after all is said and done, lying on the street with your hands cuffed behind your back. (Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to dress as Pretty Boy Floyd after all. Although you must admit that Tommy Gun sure looked real, Dareau.)

1 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the TSA security screen at the airport. If you do, at best, you will be denied boarding. At worst, the private search that turned up the sword, flintlock pistols, and the grog will be enough to charge you with terrorism. (The pirate idea sounded good at home, Dartagnan. In the airport? Not so much.)