This list was published on September 27, 2017. I think coffee still has its magic, so I hope you enjoy it again or for the first time.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do Before You’ve Had Your Coffee

The inspiration for this list came from the various and sundry things that needed to be done to begin to get back to normal after Hurricane Harvey. I haven’t done any of these, but it was fun pretending, and I would certainly have some coffee before trying.

10 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with a Government representative. If you do, at best, you’ll have to excuse your behavior. At worst, the US marshalls will call in reinforcements to help extricate you from the room. (Who would have thought raising your voice would have caused that reaction, Baltazar?)

9 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not call your cable provider to request service. If you do, at best, you’ll be on hold for an hour. At worst, you’ll get to talk to Tiny, the WWF champ who just got released from his sociopath support group. (The two of you are having an excellent debate. Why does he keep wanting to know where you live, Banjo?)

8 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not take your car in for service. If you do, at best, they will honor your appointment time. At worst, you’ll sit in the lounge for an hour trying to avoid being stepped on by two hyperactive toddlers. (They have already apologized for the fact the coffee machine is out-of-order. You might as well try to relax and, for heaven’s sake, quit thinking about that letter you plan to write to the CEO of the service company, Barnaby.)

7 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the license bureau to renew your driver’s license. If you do, at best, you’ll get a low number for service. At worst, you have pulled number 208, and they are now serving number four. (The drive-through at McDonald’s wait now looks like a breeze compared to this, huh, Beaudoin?)

6 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the bank to ask for a loan. If you do, at best, it is a bank holiday. At worst, you will finally admit that you really need the money and will, therefore, be denied the loan. Too bad your decaf state caused you to forget the rule about “Those who have gets,” Bellamy.)

5 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with your boss to discuss your career. If you do, at best, your boss caught the flu and is out sick today. At worst, your discussion could have taken a nasty turn when your boss suggested you need some additional training. (If you had some caffeine, Benjamin, maybe you would not have pounded on the boss’s desk, causing security to escort you to the parking lot. Tomorrow ought to be interesting.)

4 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to complete that delicate experiment with the new product at work. If you do, at best, you’ll come to your senses. At worst, you are now in a position of being responsible for a complete redo. (You were sure your shaking hands would not be a factor, right, Bennet?)

3 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to write that breakthrough chapter in your book. If you do, at best, you and the keyboard will have a staring contest. At worst, you will forge ahead and write what you think is the best stuff you have ever done. (It’s really tough to file 13 all those words, isn’t it, Bodee?)

2 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not read that last two-star review. If you do, at best, you’ll be diverted by a natural disaster. At worst, even though some of the points may be well taken, you vow out loud to hunt the person down and hit them with a poison dart. (Sure, it’s the lack of caffeine talking, but you are scaring the kids, Braddock.)

1 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to create that meaningful post that you hope everyone will love. If you do, at best, the typos will kill you. At worst, only after you have posted and read what you have written do you see the similarity to the Unabomber manifesto. (Good luck getting that one canceled off all the social media sites, Brayden.)

This post ran on September 12, 2017. Since American football is well underway, it still might be helpful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tailgating at an American Football Game

The inspiration for this list is the return of the American football season. The schedule is in full swing, and here are a few things to avoid this year.

10 If you are tailgating, do not set out an overstuffed couch. If you do, at best, folks will think you are so seventies. At worst, someone may get confused and believe they are in Morgantown, West Virginia, and set fire to it. (You thought it would be a statement of elegance, didn’t you, Baltazar?)

9 If you are tailgating, do not think a candelabra belongs in a stadium parking lot. If you do, at best, your fellow tailgaters will take you for an effete intellectual snob. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ mourning Liberace’s passing, will believe you want him to join your party. (A sad, drunk Tiny is not a pretty picture, is it, Barnaby?)

8 If you are tailgating, do not set up a beer pong table. If you do, at best, you might attract the wrong crowd. At worst, that young person who has been playing so well is carded by the police. (Nice to know you are now charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, huh, Barrington?)

7 If you are tailgating, do not think yours will be the best grill in the lot. If you do, at best, the one next door is better. At worst, your grill does not even rank in the top one hundred. (CNN wants to interview you for a feature named “The Biggest Grill Losers.” Time to pack up, Beauregard)

6 If you are tailgating, do not think your propane tank is full without checking. If you do, at best, you give new meaning to medium rare. At worst, no one in the lot will be willing to loan you their propane tank. (Everyone you ask gives you that “Get away from me look right, Bennet?)

5 If you are tailgating, do not forget your portable satellite antenna. If you do, at best, you’ll have to attend the game. At worst, you may get caught trying to tap into the antenna cable next door. (You thought it would be a quick splice and done. How’s that black eye feeling, Bixby?)

4 If you are tailgating, do not run out of your favorite beverage. If you do, at best, you’ll have water. At worst, trying to borrow a cup of beer from your neighbors will be met with scorn. (Who knew everyone would turn their back on you, Bronson?)

3 If you are tailgating, do not forget to wear your team colors. If you do, at best, everyone will assume you are a guest. At worst, those around you who are in favor of one team will think you are in favor of the other. (No use trying to explain that you love their team, Byron.)

2 If you are tailgating, do not serve petits-fours to your guests. At best, they will claim to be full. At worst, you see them at another tailgate gorging themselves on chili and Polish sausage. (You have to remember where you are, Baldwin.)

1 If you are tailgating, do not over-serve yourself. If you do, at best you can über home. At worst, you’ll have to ask your partner to drive home. (How many lectures will it take so you never do that again, Barnabas?)

This post ran on August 14, 2017. If you are moving, it may make sense. Hopefully, it will give a chuckle.

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The inspiration for this piece was the arrival of a new couch and the accompanying rearranging of furniture. Since moving households is something almost everyone faces, I thought it would be fun to recap some things we should avoid doing should a move be necessary. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If you are moving, do not attempt it alone. If you do, at best, it may take longer than expected. At worst, you could get caught under that heavy dresser and be missing for weeks. (Gotta hope the new tenants will figure out where those screams are coming from, hey, Buster?)

9 If you are moving, do not forget to tip the movers. If you do, at best, that last carton will stay on the truck. At worst, the big guy named Tiny, the WWF champ, will be asking questions about the quality of service. (You hope he puts you down gently, right, Buford?)

8 If you are moving, do not think the movers will understand your attachment to grandma’s hand-me-down table. If you do, at best, that scratch can be covered up. At worst, you can start your first fire with what is left. (Seems like you should have mentioned how fragile it was, Boswell)

7 If you are moving, do not pack the boxes yourself. If you do, at best, there will be a few items broken. At worst, that tinkling noise when you pick up the box marked “crystal” will not be a welcome sound. (Looks like the savings on the cost of packing has gone into the red, Boris.)

6 If you are moving, do not mark the boxes with your own code. If you do, at best, you’ll remember most of the code. At worst, in the rush of the move, you will forget what you meant and take a guess as to where things should go. (Nice to have all your pots and pans in the garage, isn’t it, Bosco?)

5 If you are moving, do not leave the old house without checking to see that everything is out. If you do, at best, you’ll leave behind things that don’t matter. At worst, you’ll wonder what happened to the washer and dryer in transit. (Of course, the movers thought they stayed with the house, Basil.)

4 If you are moving, do not forget to change the water, gas, and electric bills. If you do, at best, it might take you a day or two to remember. At worst, you receive a bill that is ten times your usual usage. (The new people decided they like the air conditioning set at 70 degrees and the lawn watered daily. Guess you should have paid attention, Bentley.)

3 If you are moving, do not think your new neighbors need to give you cookies. If you do, at best, you might be disappointed. At worst, as you mention the oversight, you learn your previous residents were running a crack house. (Looks like it might be a couple of years before anyone trusts you, Bubba.)

2 If you are moving, do not think the movers will place everything as you have it labeled. If you do, at best, you may find some things in unusual places. At worst, you realize after they are gone that your master bedroom furniture is on the patio. (And guess what furniture is in the master bedroom, Burt?)

1 If you are moving, do not think you can challenge your partner on the layout of each room. If you do, at best, you are in for a long day. At worst, combined with the stress of moving, your input might be enough to win you an overnight accommodation in the backyard. ( You could have said something when the plans were drawn up, huh, Butch?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Holding Up a Bank

10 If you are holding up a bank, do not hand the teller a note written on the back of one of your checkbook deposit slips; if you do, at best, you need to get the slip back. At worst, the police all-points bulletin will include your name, address, phone number, and the current balance of your account. (Interesting situation having a sheriff’s car waiting in your driveway huh, Buford?)

9 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to convince the teller your banana is a gun. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the bank. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ who has just graduated from security school and desperately wants to try his new taser, is on duty. (Looks like you will be lying on the floor twitching for a while, Tex.)

8 If you are holding up a bank, do not use foul language as part of the process. If you do, at best, one of the customers is your fifth-grade English teacher. At worst, the security camera footage will go viral on YouTube, and your mother will wonder where you learned that kind of language. (It’s hard to explain it was just an act, right, Bosco?)

7 If you are holding up a bank, do not try the caper during non-business hours. If you do, at best, no one will notice you in a ski mask and gloves trying to get in. At worst, if you do get in, all the money will be in a vault, and the alarm system has called the police. (You wonder what those guys mean by, “Come out with your hands up,” Roscoe?)

6 If you are holding up a bank, do not use someone who has been drinking as a getaway driver. If you do, at best, you have to wake them up to get away. At worst, they may plow into the police car on the corner. (The fun part was the cop had no idea a bank robbery was in progress, Buster.)

5 If you are holding up a bank and are successful, do not brag about it on Facebook. If you do, at best, you have so few friends no one will notice. At worst, your post will be forwarded to the police, and you’ll be pinched. (At least the officer gave you a “like,” huh, Putz?)

4 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to push through a door marked “pull.” If you do, at best, you’ll figure it out after a few tries. At worst, you keep bashing the door until the police arrive. (I guess you can blame nerves for your actions, Bunky.)

3 If you are holding up a bank, do not shoot your gun into the ceiling. If you do, at best, you will make a clean getaway. At worst, you will be charged with destruction of property in addition to armed robbery. (Too bad you were caught, Pard.)

2 If you are holding up a bank, do not go through a drive-through for lunch while escaping. If you do, at best, your order will be filled immediately. At worst, you will be asked to pull over while your sandwich is being prepared “especially for you.” It seems the policeman behind you in line had the same sandwich and your license number. ( Those red and blue lights mean something, Ferd.)

1 If you are holding up a bank, do not accept a bag of money that contains a dye pack. If you do, At best, it won’t go off until you get home. At worst, the dye pack will go off as you are walking down the street, subsequently trailing red smoke. (Pretty hard to try to explain the smoke as a lunch that didn’t agree with you, huh, Ralph?)

Today’s post was first published on August 7th, 2017. I think it is still current. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list was inspired by going out into public over the weekend. I am always amazed at some of the things people say once they find out you write full-time.

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Writer

10 If you meet a writer, do not tell them you have a book you have meant to write. If you do, at best, they will walk away. At worst, they will ask how come you haven’t written it yet? (That is a pretty uncomfortable silence, isn’t it, Bunky?)

9 If you meet a writer, do not ask about their royalties. If you do, at best, they will offer to buy you a drink. At worst, they will ask you to pick up the bar tab. (That was the saddest poor-mouth story you ever heard, huh Ralph?)

8 If you meet a writer, do not ask about a movie deal. If you do, at best, you’ll have to listen to the impossibilities of getting a film deal. At worst, you’ll have to supply the tissues and offer large, soothing hugs. (It’s almost like this guy is never going to stop sobbing, right, Tex?)

7 If you meet a writer named Tiny the WWF champ, do not tell him you have not read his book. If you do, at best, his disappointment will cause you to cry. At worst, he will hold you on his lap and read it to you. ( It is hard to get away, isn’t it, Buford?)

6 If you meet a writer, do not tell them how you would have ended the book. If you do, at best, the look you get should be photographed and filed under incredulity in Wikipedia. At worst, the writer might just leave the gathering and work out previous rejection traumas by consuming a gallon of ice cream. (No, you are not invited to join the ice cream social, Putz.)

5 If you meet a writer, do not ask what they do for “real work.” If you do, at best, they will humor you with lawn-cutting stories. At worst, they will give you the impression that they eliminate ignorant people for money. ( You have to admit if this guy writes as well as he frightens, he’s good, huh, Bosco?)

4 If you meet a writer, do not ask them to review your manuscript. If you do, at best, they will try to change the subject. At worst, they will say yes and try, as they may never find the time to read it. (You should join a critique group Buster, and quit bothering people you just met.)

3 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what brand of whiskey they drink. If you do, at best, they will think you are joking. At worst, the writer will grasp the stereotype and provide you with an obscure brand name that costs $100 a bottle. (A pretty expensive way to get inspired, hey, Pal?)

2 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what they do in their spare time. If you do, at best, you’ll get a vague answer along the lines of washing the dog. At worst, you’ll have to stand and listen to what sounds like a description of a person with Attention Deficit Disorder describing a typical work month. (The big question now is how do you make a getaway right, Prince?)

1 If you meet a writer, do not mention that you haven’t written a review of their book on Amazon. If you do, at best, the smile you get is fake. At worst, you’ll have to hear a long story about how a writer knows if they are appealing to their readers. (Might have been better to lie, Buddy.)

This post ran on June 5th, 2017. I think folks still camp, so it may come in handy. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list was surveying the damage after the Memorial Day weekend. Several campsites were either blown or washed away. Such a situation caused the development of a list that might save others from a similar fate.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Camping

10 If you are camping, do not arrive in the dark to set up. If you do, at best, you might accidentally choose a high dry spot. At worst, your camp was pitched in a low area that the forest animals routinely use as a freeway. (Nothing like having a family of Coyotes in your sleeping bag huh, Bradley?)

9 If you are camping, do not go to the site without having tested new equipment. If you do, at best, your stove has no fuel, and it’s trying to cook over a fire time. At worst, your water purifier kit is missing a part, and now you have nothing to drink but Bud Light. (Okay, so maybe you don’t mind, Buford, but the family looks like they are in the beginning stage of dehydration.)

8 If you are camping, do not think you will be immune to insect bites, and not take repellent. If you do, at best, you’ll have to hope the mud stops the itching. At worst, you might be the only member of the team to come down with malaria. (Who knew that the only Anopheles mosquito in North America had a crush on you, Leroy?)

7 If you are camping, do not take the weather reports lightly. If you do, at best, you have not planned activities that can be done in inclement weather. At worst, you may experience what it is like to be cold, wet, and hungry for several days. (You could have done the same thing in your backyard, right, Doofis?)

6 If you are camping, do not think you can buy more food at the campsite. If you do, at best, your trip will end early. At worst, your attempts to borrow food from other campers will be met with the same welcome extended to bears. (You also learned a lesson about challenging a bear at the dumpster, huh, Bunky?)

5 If you are camping, do not think your fellow campers welcome your loud morning wake-up music. If you do, at best, the park management will help you pack. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ, having been advised by his anger management counselor to go camping for the peace and quiet, is now heading toward your site with a good morning greeting of his own. (It won’t help to ask Tiny to put you down. He’ll be thinking of a body slam, Tex.)

4 If you are camping, do not forget the first aid kit. If you do, at best, the rule of camping that says, “someone will get hurt,” might pass you by. At worst, in one day, your group will have two sprained ankles, a dislocated shoulder, a fish hook in the eyebrow, and poison ivy. (The funny thing is all these things happened to you, Burt, and it wasn’t even noon on the first day yet.)

3 If you are camping, do not count on a hot shower. If you do, at best, you’ll have to use a cold lake. At worst, you are now attracting wild things from the forest and are being asked to sleep outside the tent. (Your stubbornness regarding hot water is not paying off, is it, Buster?)

2 If you are camping, do not arrive at the campsite without a reservation. If you do, at best, a standby spot will open up. At worst, you, the family, and the dog will be sharing the backseat of your Toyota Corolla. (At least you all have learned what makes each of you really mad right, Putz?)

1 If you are camping, do not think you can recreate the luxury and convenience of your home. If you do, at best, you will come up short. At worst, the lack of electricity and air conditioning will finally push you over the edge. (You might as well admit camping is not for you, Ferd.)

This was run on June 17, 2017. Since we still have smartphones, I think it still works. I hope you enjoy it.

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10 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to send a breakup message. If you do, at best, the message will fail to deliver. At worst, your message will be received just after the recipient has paid a no-return deposit on the condo you were to share. (Talk about awkward, Idiot.)

9 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to video record those embarrassing family moments. If you do, at best, you will be convinced to trash the video. At worst, your clip is now on YouTube with a million likes. (Yes, your family is well-known for its stupidity. Too bad they can’t show their face in public, Putz)

8 If you have a smartphone, do not think you must reach the last level of Candy Crush. If you do, at best, your phone will quit working. At worst, you will still work to achieve the level even as your family has finally given up all contact. (Can you say obsessed, Bert?)

7 If you have a smartphone, do not think anyone wants to see your pictures. If you do, at best, you may find a hapless victim who feigns interest. At worst, most people you show your treasures are sound asleep at the end. (Of course, they are now a captive audience huh, Buford?)

6 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can take pictures without permission. If you do, at best, you may be told to stop doing so. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ you just photographed, has confessed to his therapy group how camera-shy he has become due to being more open in the discussions. (You are very right to begin running, Buster. I think Tiny is gaining on you, though.)

5 If you have a smartphone, do not publicly ask the robot assistant a question. If you do, at best, you won’t be understood. At worst, your question was so inane that now everyone realizes you are an idiot. (“What is the temperature today?” was a real crowd pleaser, Goober. Go sit down and be quiet.)

4 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can watch a video and walk simultaneously. If you do, at best, a few bumps by passersby will convince you to stop. At worst, being airborne due to walking into a taxi will give you time to think about next time. (You must now prepare for the second collision with the ground, Tex. Here’s hoping there is a next time.)

3 If you have a smartphone, do not take any selfies you wouldn’t want your mother to see. If you do, at best, she’ll never see them. At worst, those little photos you made for your friend’s eyes only are now featured on the Instagram gross photo of the week. (And you thought the cloud was an iron-clad secure place huh, Dufus?)

2 If you have a smartphone, do not be afraid of that ringing sound. If you are, at best, you can stop it by answering with a “hello.” At worst, the distraction of the ringing causes you to take extraordinary measures that finally silence the ringing. (You did know that water is harmful to a smartphone, right, Bucky? And BTW,  smartphones were initially designed for phone calls. That’s what all that ringing was about.)

1 If you have a smartphone, do not operate any other machinery while using it. If you do, at best, you will get one chance with no consequences. At worst, you may hurt yourself and others, especially if you are driving a car. (But you know all this, right, Bunion?)