Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Eclipse Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 124 Comments
Photo by Joseph Corl on Unsplash

 

Well, here we are for a lifetime event. It is perfect that the eclipse coincides with my top ten list on Monday. You can bet I did not have a spare list hanging around, so yes, this is original.  I’ll run it again during the next one in 300 years.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Eclipse Day

1 On eclipse day, do not pull into the Chic-Fil-A drive-through. If you do, at best, your wait will be the normal hour. At worst, you will still be there three days from now. (who knew that everyone for ten states around wanted a chicken sandwich, Ferd.)

2 On eclipse day, do not serve inappropriate food at your party. If you do, at best, no one will attend the next one in 300 years. At worst, you will be known as the humorless old grump who doesn’t know how to throw a party. (A pretty tough evaluation for someone who didn’t serve Moon pies, sun chips, meteorite cheese balls, Orbit and Eclipse gum, Galaxy cupcakes, Starbursts, Milky Way, Capri Suns, and Moonshine martinis.)

3 On eclipse day, do not think those Ray Bans will protect your eyes. If you do, at best, you’ll catch on quickly. At worst, the week off from work to rest your eyes won’t be covered under the company’s benefits program. (You didn’t read the fine print under the heading ‘acts of stupidly’ did you Ralph?)

4 On eclipse day, do not think your grocery store will have a full food stock. If you do, at best, you only want to buy rutabagas.  At worst, you’ll find the shelves as empty as the day before a significant weather event. (You didn’t count on your town population going from 11,000 to 220,000 people since you are on the 100% coverage path. You will survive without milk, but your caffeine level is in the red, Buford.)

5 On eclipse day, do not decide to take the family for a leisurely ride in the car. If you do, at best, no one cares you have only gone two blocks in two hours. At worst, you will suddenly realize the traffic gridlock means you’ll spend the night in the car. (Little Jimmy’s cough and runny nose didn’t seem like a big deal before. Looks like twelve hours of exposure may put you under, Sid.)

6 On eclipse day, do not think you won’t need sunscreen. If you do, at best, the day will be cloudy. At worse, your assumption of the sun being blocked has given you a quick trip to the ER for those third-degree burns. (You should have known the eclipse only lasts four minutes, Bunky. The rest of the twelve hours you spent out there would have required an SPF of 50.)

7 On eclipse day, do not think you are immune to the effects of too many tequila sunrises. If you do, at best, you will quietly pass out. At worst, the next morning, you look at the outgoing calls on your phone to discover at least ten to your boss after midnight. (Too bad you can’t remember the reasons for the calls, Tex. Maybe it will come to you at your one-on-one Zoom meeting with the boss in five minutes.)

8 On eclipse day, do not try to park for free in that vacant lot. If you do, at best, the owner of the lot is on vacation. At worse, Tiny the WWF champion, the lot owner, has been dying to try out his new piece of recycling equipment. (The two-foot square metal block that used to be your car is available at Tiny’s recycling center. He’ll give you a deal, Haywood.)

9 On eclipse day, do not finish that 32-ounce big gulp before the big event. If you do, at best, the city has provided port-a-potties. At worse, the event you are attending is in the middle of a giant field with no facilities, and there is not a tree, shrub, or bush for miles. (You are now faced with a dilemma, Jake. You either make a run for it or hope there is a puddle you can drop into.)

10 On eclipse day, do not skip the event. If you do, at best, you’ll miss a lifetime opportunity. At worst, you have yourself convinced that it was no big deal. (Don’t worry, Derrell, maybe with cryogenics, you might be available three hundred years from now for the next one.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Ask a Genius

~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

 

 

This post was published on February 5, 2018. I think it is still current since there are many geniuses walking around.

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I was inspired to write this post after pondering a discussion with a brilliant person. I wondered what it would be like to be that smart. One thing led to another, and the list was born.

Top Ten Things Not to Ask a Genius

10 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them how it feels to be so smart. If you do, at best, you’ll get a laugh. At worst, you’ll be forcibly engaged in a Socratic analysis of what “smart” means. (Getting tired after a couple of hours, are you, Dante?)

9 If you are talking to a genius, do not mention the weather. If you do, at best, they’ll excuse themselves. At worst, you’ll be entertained by a recap of the correlation between black hole proximity and global warming. (You didn’t know that was the subject of the person’s doctoral dissertation, did you, Deon?)

8 If you are talking to a genius, do not make any sudden moves. If you do, at best, you’ll get a flinch. At worst, your genius will have Tiny, the WWF champ, as a best friend. (Tiny moves fast when he thinks there is a danger, Demetri. I think I would begin testing those Rockport shoes and see if they are a flexible as advertised.)

7 If you are talking to a genius, do not comment on their clothes. If you do, at best, they won’t understand what you are saying. At worst, they will provide you with the existential theory behind their choice of what to wear today. (Not only did it take two hours, but you still don’t understand how the stripes and checks relate to the world politic, do you, Dixon?)

6 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them what they want to eat. If you do, at best, you will get an “anything” response. At worst, you will be taken down a probiotic path from which there is no return. (You’ll never look at a steak the same way again, Dacy.)

5 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them about their favorite sport. If you do, at best, they’ll defer to asking you. At worst, after an hour,, you finally realize they are talking about a game that was played in ancient Macedonia. (The sad part is their team lost, and you now have a complete commentary on how the other team cheated with a deflated goat bladder and poisoned arrows.  Some fun, huh, Daelan?)

4 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask what they watch on television. If you do, at best, you’ll have to define the term “television.” At worst, you will be treated to watching the Nature Blog live feed of baby ants who were cloned from a prehistoric frozen egg hatching as viewed on an iPad. (Really glad you asked that one, aren’t you, Dagan? Wait! Is that an anteater?)

3 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask if they have a hobby. If you do, at best, they’ll be too shy to share. At worst, before you know it, you are hooked up to a worldwide XBox War of the World gaming competition. (So how many lives do you have left, Daileass? I think you better swing that broadsword at everything you see. Given the intensity of this game, I have a feeling that once your lives are finished, you are, too.)

2 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask if they belong to a club. If you do, at best, you’ll get a stare before they walk away. At worst, you will have to defend the idea of having a high affiliation need as it relates to your own insecurities. (Makes you want to go to a cabin in the mountains doesn’t it, Daire? Then you can prove you are not intellectually weak and, as a result, don’t need anyone.)

1 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask what they do for a living. If you do, at best, you’ll get a one-word answer, “work.” At worst, you will have a detailed description of the job but will not understand what it is in a hundred years. (Did you get the opinion that they were speaking in a different language, Dalbert? What the hell is a Spectrographic Survey Specialist anyway?

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Gas Station

~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments

 

This post ran on January 29, 2018. I think it still has some merit.

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10 If you are at a gas station, do not buy and eat anything not in a sealed bag. If you do, at best, the food will be made today. At worst, you will be lucky enough to experience emergency room procedures firsthand. (Wow, that stomach pump was a real rush huh, Dalton?)

9 If you are at a gas station, do not think you can find that forgotten birthday present. If you do, at best, your lack of attention will be noted. At worst, that mug with the 7/11 logo will be coming back to you quicker than you imagined. (Who knew how fast a mug could travel and how hard it could hit. Right, Danny? Oh, and I would put some ice on that lump if I were you.)

8 If you are at a gas station, do not think the restroom is like home. If you do, at best, you’ll just look and move on. At worst, trying to use the bathroom without touching anything might not work well. (How you fell down is still a mystery, Darren. Also, I don’t think hand sanitizer is going to be enough for your whole body.)

7 If you are at a gas station, do not be rude to the help. If you do, at best, they will let you slip. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ working there as part of his aggravated assault probation agreement, has just allowed the last rude customer to get by. (Looks like we have a straw that broke the camel’s back situation, Dane. I think I would make for the door and hope for the best.)

6 If you are at a gas station and the lines are long, do not insist on having a clerk run last year’s lotto tickets through the machine to see if you have a winner. If you do, at best, you will be told to come back when it is less busy. At worst, the people behind you will form a vigilante group and leave you tied up outside. (It seems like a drastic measure, doesn’t it? Dwane. Of course, most were grabbing some beer for the Superbowl, and kick-off was in ten minutes.)

5 If you are at a gas station, do not walk in the door in your ski mask. If you do, at best, no one will notice you since you are a customer. At worst, the guy behind the counter still has PTSD from the last robbery and has his finger on the panic alarm. (It was a little awkward explaining to the police you forgot about the mask, wasn’t it, Darrel. Now, with your hands cuffed behind your back and you on the floor, it is almost impossible.)

4 If you are at a gas station, do not fuel up and continue to puff on that cigar. If you do, at best, the wind will blow the fumes away. At worst, just when your tank is full and the automatic trigger doesn’t work, you realize there might be a massive fire. (Lucky you, Deven. You were able to toss that cigar well away. Next time, listen to me.)

3 If you are at a gas station, do not try to use the air pump. If you do, at best, it is out of order. At worst, you will feed it four quarters before you finally have enough air in your tire to limp to the tire store. (The worse part was skinning your knuckles on the rapid recoil of the hose, wasn’t it Doug?)

2 If you are at a gas station, do not ask for directions. If you do, at best, all you’ll get is a shrug. At worst, you’ll get directions that put you on county road three, which leads to the Twilight Zone. (What was it about that kid of eighteen with the wild stare that made you think he even knew where he was, let alone tell you how to get to grandma’s, Doyle?)

1 If you are at a gas station, do not ask if a mechanic is on duty. If you do, at best, you will be laughed out of the place. At worst, someone will pretend to be a mechanic with the result your car is now ready for auction. (All that beer and beef jerky should have told you something about their primary business, Damion.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a City Tour

~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments

This post ran on January 15th, 2018. Since people still visit cities, it may be helpful.

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The inspiration for this post was thinking about supercities and possibly taking tours of them. These tours are not necessarily guided but just touring in general.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a City Tour

10 If you are touring Chicago, do not wear your Yankee baseball cap. If you do, at best, people will believe you have just been released from the mental hospital. At worst, the police will arrest you for unlawful assembly. (The crowd that gathered trying to convince you to burn your cap did get out of hand, right? Cnute?)

9 If you are touring New York City, do not hire Tiny, the WWF champ, as your tour guide. If you do, at best, your only tour stop will be Gold’s Gym. At worst, you and Tiny will get into a principal argument about going to the 100th floor of the Empire State Building. (You had no idea Tiny was afraid of heights, did you, Colla? Now it doesn’t matter, because all you are seeing now is the inside of Bellview Hospital Center.)

8 If you are touring San Francisco, do not shut the cell door on Alcatraz Island. If you do, you will hear no click, and at worst, you will have picked the only cell that automatically locks when the door is closed. (The bad news is the guard with the key retired ten years ago. Yelling won’t help, Conell. Maybe the fire department can figure out a way to release you.)

7 If you are touring London, do not try to make the guard at Buckingham Palace smile. If you do, at best, someone will ask you to leave. At worst, you will be the 100th person to try today, and the guard’s Zoloft dose will have just worn off. (So much for your ugly American imitation, Cruz. Now you have to run.)

6 If you are touring Berlin, do not try to cut to the front of a line. If you do, at best, you will be politely told about your rudeness. At worst, you may be rewarded with a knuckle sandwich served without mustard. (I know you are used to doing that, Cyril. Here, that is a big no-no.)

5 If you are touring Paris, do not walk down the street eating a croissant. If you do, at best, you’ll collect a bunch of stares. At worst, passers-by will mistake you for someone who is mentally challenged and call the medics. (That straight jacket is only for your own protection, Cydney. Might as well relax.)

4 If you are touring Rome, do not speak loudly or draw attention to yourself in other ways. If you do, at best, the locals will scowl. At worst, the police will mistake you for a Russian spy. (You can guess how this will turn out, huh, Christiano?)

3 If you are touring Madrid, do not mention Francisco Franco, the dictator, unless you know the people well. If you do, at best, you’ll be forced to listen to a three-hour lecture on the evils of his regime. At worst, you might be mistaken for a follower and end up in a duel. (Why didn’t someone warn you, Crey? Well, one would have thought you knew enough to avoid politics with people you don’t know.)

2 If you are touring Cairo, do not bring flowers to your host’s dinner. If you do, at best, someone may tell you to dispose of them. At worst, the host will think you are offering condolences or wanting to get married, which are the only reasons to bring flowers in Egypt. (Looks like you are getting hitched, Conyn, since no one has passed away. Good luck.)

1 If you are touring Moscow, do not keep your seat on the bus if an elderly person has to stand. If you do, at best, someone will give up their place but glower at you. At worst, you might be helped off the bus two miles before your stop. (You need to pay better attention to the local rules, Coltrane.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bike

~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

 

This post first ran on January 20, 2017. Since I’m still riding a bike, I think the advice is still good.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bike

The inspiration for this list is my three-day-a-week three-mile ride on the single-speed beach cruiser bike. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along, and I thought I would share them with you.

10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best, the hand wave you make to the Hells Angels will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion), will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hell’s Angels. (Don’t worry; he will untie you and let you go to the next town or fifty miles, whichever comes first, Ferd.)

9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best, the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh, Bunky?)

8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best, you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen-wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you Tex?)

7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best, all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive-aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive. ( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)

6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best, the stares by those you pass can be ignored. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a markdown from public lewdness. ( All because of that speedo, huh Ace?)

5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best, a few slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at Dead Man’s Curve seems to be a challenge right now because you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation, aren’t they, Buford?)

4 On a bike, do not forget insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best, a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the most enormous June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end either, Duke.)

3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you. What about the bike, Mike?)

2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best, you will get home safely. At worst, your storyline development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now, with your leg in the air, you have plenty of time to do the storyline, huh, Ernest?)

1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen on the trick bike championships. If you do, at best, you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get halfway through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking, John?”)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments
Photo by Conner Baker on Unsplash

 

This post originally ran on February 15th, 2015.  Reading it over convinced me that it was still relevant. I hope you have a lovely President’s Day.

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Today’s list has been created to provide a little satire surrounding President’s Day. (Happy President’s Day) This is a holiday that I have had a tough time getting my mind around. Other than getting a Monday off, I haven’t been able to see the significance of it all. Yes, Lincoln and Washington each have a birthday two days apart, and this may be the only reason. I didn’t mind celebrating each separately. Of course, there have been forty-six presidents, and most have made at least half of the population angry at one time or another. So maybe by lumping them all together after a couple of beers, we might forgive them. It can’t be ignored that President’s Day is used by mattress and car companies as an excuse to have a sale. I’m sure they are happy it exists. Here is a tongue-in-cheek top ten things not to do on President’s Day.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day

10 On President’s Day, do not go to Wal-Mart and buy a giant Happy Presidents Day blow up lawn thingy. If you do, at best, your neighbors will think you have a screw loose. At worst, a stiff wind will grab the lawn thingy and drag it, and the tie down through your neighbor’s front window, and there will be no way to call upon the spirit of President’s Day for forgiveness.

9 On Presidents Day, do not plan to receive lots of President’s Day gifts. If you do, at best, you will sit under the cherry tree, a very disappointed person. At worst, all the gifts you bought expecting a big gift exchange will all come due as your credit card company has a new policy on minimum payments required.

8 On President’s Day, do not try to organize a President’s Day office party. If you do, at best, your co-workers will request a transfer. At worst, the HR department will invite you to participate in the employee mental health improvement program, which will include three days in group therapy and an hour in shock treatment.

7 On President’s Day, do not ask your neighbors to donate to a fund for the less fortunate. If you do, at best, you will never have to speak to them again. At worst, the local police will have you in for questioning due to a report on the potential for your request for donations to be taken as a scam.

6 On President’s Day, do not try to sing President’s Day carols in your neighborhood. If you do, at best, there will be a number of slammed doors and no invitations for hot cocoa. At worst, your neighbors might band together to organize an intervention and carry you bound and gagged to the nearest institution.

5 On President’s Day, do not expect a bonus from your boss. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, the money you spent in anticipation of your President’s Day bonus will need to be covered before the card company sends a collection notice.

4 On President’s Day, do not organize a picnic at the park to celebrate. If you do, at best, no one will show up. At worst, you will be shoveling three feet of snow just to find the barbecue grill, not to mention the crimp in the volleyball game.

3 On President’s Day, do not shoot off fireworks. If you do, at best, you will be the only one doing so, and your neighbors will know where to send the police. At worst, your massive fireworks display will ignite the neighbor’s roof, and since it is thirty degrees below zero, the fire department won’t be able to pump water, and your neighbor is heading over to your house with what looks like a ball bat in his hand.

2 On President’s Day, do not sit in front of the TV thinking there will be a football game to watch. If you do, at best, your family will seek counsel from the local clergy. At worst, your friends will all come over and start eating your snacks and drinking your beer while placing bets on how long it will be until the ambulance shows up. You might want to get in on the bet since the pot is at one hundred dollars.

1 On President’s Day, do not send Happy President’s Day cards to all your friends, family, and co-workers. If you do, at best, they will not know what to do or say. At worst, next year, some will send you a Happy President’s Day card since you sent one last year. This will cause you to check each off your list and only send a card the following year to those who sent you one.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are Short on Time.

~ John W. Howell ~ 70 Comments
Photo by Luke Chesser on Unsplash

 

This post was done on January 19th, 2015. I don’t think there has been an addition of time since then, so it may still be useful

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Mondays creep up on me sometimes. I guess I should remember how quickly the weekend goes and not be surprised. Needing to do another Top Ten list got me thinking about time and being under the gun, so to speak. I decided to use this situation as an inspiration for this week’s list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are Short on Time.

10 If you are short on time, do not stop to talk to sweet old Mrs. Beagly while she walks her dog. If you do, at best, the latest tale will have you captive until you are late. At worst, Mrs. Beagly will sense you are trying to avoid a long chat, and in doing so, she will believe she has cause to stick those pins she has been soaking in bat guano in that doll that has a lock of your hair on its otherwise bald little head.

9 If you are short on time, do not begin mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on the neighbor who has fallen and can’t get up. If you do, at best, you will hurry the process, and the neighbor will be able to tell you don’t have your heart in it. At worst, despite rushing the process, you have yet to get a sign of life, and because you are late and not that it matters anyway, you call the time of death about three minutes too early.

8 If you are short on time, do not begin surgery on a brain. If you do, at best, you may forget something in your haste to finish. (You know, like reconnecting the pleasure center) At worst, you will run out of time, and unfortunately, once you start, there is no good way to pack everything up and plan on finishing tomorrow, so your foursome will just have to find another player or go with three.

7 If you are short of time, do not begin building that rocket to Mars. If you do, at best, you might finish with several nuts and bolts left over, and the answer for this phenomenon is not “they packed extras.” At worst, you may rush through the job and actually finish, only to see your beautiful rocket light up the night sky over Disneyland just in time for the Main Street Parade finale.

6 If you are short of time, do not take flying lessons. If you do, at best, you will know only half of what you need when the propeller on your airplane decides to visit a local cornfield. At worst, you will have rushed through so many of the classes dealing with things like fuel starvation, magneto malfunction, preflight check, and navigation that on your cross-country flight, you might be intercepted by two F18s flown by two very unhappy-looking pilots who signal you to follow them.

5 If you are short of time, do not attempt to prepare an elaborate dinner for your boss and her husband. If you do, at best, they might overlook the rare chicken and concentrate on the bone in potatoes. At worst, you will give your boss a bad case of salmonella from undercooked food, and although you try to deny it, everyone will assume you did it on purpose so you could have the spot.

4 If you are short of time, do not start a mechanical fix on the family car. If you do, at best, you may not be able to put the car back together again in time for work tomorrow. At worst, you hurriedly fix the vehicle, and while commuting to work, you notice the tire passing you on the right, followed by a loud screech and sparks from the hub hitting the road. This is only the beginning since the tire went on and found its way into the front seat after passing through the windshield of the police car in the oncoming lane.

3 If you are short of time, do not offer to help with the kid’s homework. If you do, at best, you will not finish, and the child will get an incomplete the next day. At worst, you will do the best you can in the time allowed and will be more than mortified at the failing grade your child received, as well as the note attached to the homework reminding parents children should do their own work. ( And a PS that the teacher would like you to come in and discuss the issue.)

2 If you are short of time, do not offer to help coach your child’s soccer team. If you do, at best, the parents will forgive a couple of your absences. At worst, the parents will blame you for the losing season, and the stigma will stick with you and your child until the child graduates from high school and, for their own good, enrolls in a college in Spain.

1 If you are short of time, do not offer to watch someone else’s kids for just a moment. If you do, at best, the other parent will only be a few minutes late, and no harm will be done. At worst, the other parent will arrive way past the time you were to be at your meeting for the bid parameters on a building. The explanation will range from a “to die for” sale at Niemen’s to “I just lost track of time.” The net result is you have been excluded from the bidding on the new project whose scope has changed from one building to a whole shopping center.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Super Bowl Celebration

~ John W. Howell ~ 94 Comments
Photo by City Church Christchurch on Unsplash

 

Since the Superbowl is this weekend, I thought I would pull some advice from a January 26th, 2015 post. It all seems to be relevant.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Super Bowl Celebration

10 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not arrive wearing team clothing for a team that is not playing. If you do, at best, everyone will think you are a sore loser or are drunk.  At worst, the crowd may come to the conclusion you’ve had a stroke or burst aneurysm and call for EMT support, and you will end up watching the game on a fifteen-inch screen next to the nurse’s station while waiting for an attending physician.

9 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, remember that many people like to watch the ads. If you forget and stand in front of the TV during commercial time, at best, you will be called many names in the process of getting you to move. At worst, the most enormous guy in the room wanting to demonstrate his downfield tackling expertise will use you as his dummy.

8 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not carry in your famous crab dip that must be kept at forty-two degrees or become a hazardous waste site. If you do, at best, the temp will stay near the required amount, and only one or two will be overcome. At worst, there will be no way to keep the dip cold enough, and you will have singlehandedly wiped out a full production day on Monday for several of the attendees, not to mention hurried trips to the ER for a prophylactic pump of the stomach

7 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not believe your host’s offer “to make yourself at home.”  If you do, at best, you will be embarrassed when someone asks you to take your feet off the couch. At worst, you will be totally shocked to discover the room you decided to use for a bath is the overflow bathroom for the party, and you will spend a good amount of time under the water.

6 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not be tempted to look into any drawers or behind any closed doors. If you do, at best, only the homeowner will notice the disturbed contents. At worst, the host, being a techie nerd, has installed cameras in each room, which playback on the fifty-inch screen that is beside the game screen to the amusement of everyone at the party. (Except the one you came with)

5 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not think since the drinks are free, you should help yourself to the point of being over-served. If you do, at best, you might make a complete ass out of yourself, which others will find as typical of a low life. At worst, you will find yourself disoriented while actively looking for the bathroom, which you imagined you have found in the large bureau in the corner of a spare bedroom, shortly before passing out on the carpet.

4 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not think your duty includes eating a portion of everything that is laid out on the buffet table. If you do, at best, several people will believe you have lost your job or recently divorced.  At worst, your pile of food will be an indication that you need an intervention, which will be organized to take place after the game, to the embarrassment of you and the person with whom you attended the event.

3 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not be the first to suggest some kind of gambling scheme for the game. If you do, at best, several guests will think you make a living that way. At worst, you will have several disputes around who really won and will be forced to double-pay several to keep the peace.

2 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not become overly obnoxious when your team is ahead. If you do, at best, the lead will be short-lived. At worst, someone will take an exception to your attitude since they feel bad about their team being behind. As much as they have tried to remain under control, as they learned in group therapy sessions, they are just beginning to lose their grip on reality while holding your shirt.

1 If you are attending a Super Bowl celebration, do not even think of driving your car if you have been drinking. If you do, there is no best or worst, just the potential for disaster for you or an innocent bystander.

The Top Ten Things Not to Say to an Opponent on the American Football Field

~ John W. Howell ~ 79 Comments
Photo by Dave Adamson on Unsplash

This was posted on January 26, 2016. Since we just finished the playoffs, this looks like good advice.

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The inspiration for this list was this season’s NFL playoffs. There were enough punches thrown during the various games and enough trash talk to fill a stadium. Although I was not a party to any of the conversations, my imagination went to the point of asking the question,  “What could one player say to another that would warrant an attempted punch to the nose. (I say attempted since most players are guarded by a facemask, and it would be tough to make a fist-to-nose contact.) Also, I know none of us play American football, but what if we did? I hope you enjoy the post since we are now in the last moments of this season.

The Top Ten Things Not to Say to an Opponent on the American Football Field

10 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard they were losing their Nike endorsement. If you do, at best, the player will think you are joking. At worst, the player will assume you have the endorsement and will try the fist-to-nose maneuver. (You know those endorsements don’t come easy.)

9 If you are on the football field, do not ask another player about last night. If you do, at best, you’ll get a stare. At worst, the player will assume you know something and will court a penalty to take you out. (Last night is something players never mention. Right?)

8 If you are on the football field, do not tell a player he looks cute on the jumbotron. If you do, at best, the player will avoid you for the rest of the game. At worst, the player will finally get that you wanted to tempt him to look continually at the jumbotron and will take you out with a chop block. (It was a good try and pretty funny when he went downfield for a pass and couldn’t take his eyes off himself.)

7 If you are on the football field, do not make fun of another player’s Ferrari color. If you do, at best, he will tease you about not having one. At worst, the player will start to become self-conscious about his choice of purple and take it out on you. (The dealer did call it Red Cassis, though)

6 If you are on the football field, do not mention the nasty tweet that the player made, which required a huge apology. If you do, at best, the player will give you a knuckle sandwich warning. At worst, just when you thought you were going to catch that game-winning touchdown, you wake up in the hospital instead. (Never saw it coming, did ya bunkie. Oh, and by the way, your team lost.)

5 If you are on the football field, do not ask a player if that is his mother in the stands. If you do, at best, he won’t have time to think about it and just smile. At worst, he will realize you are talking about his latest date and will make a tackle you’ll remember well into the next season. (You should always be respectful. Right?)

4 If you are on the football field, do not tackle a player and then say, “That was easy.” If you do, at best, the player will throw you off. At worst, you and the player will look like children on the playground punching each other on the ground in front of thirty million viewers. (Why won’t the press leave this one alone, you wonder?)

3 If you are on the football field, do not put your face mask into another player’s face mask and tell him he’s ugly. If you do, at best, you know a fist-to-nose attempt is on its way. At worst, you will wonder what happened right after your helmet went airborne and the lights went out. (No way to talk to a 350-pound tackle)

2 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that you heard his Super Bowl ring is in a pawn shop. If you do, at best, you will be on the ground on the next play. At worst, you will be the center of attention on a time-out and cart ride back to the locker room. (Learned a lesson about finance, didn’t you)

1 If you are on the football field, do not tell another player that your agent is the same as his. If you do, at best, the game will be a series of who can outdo who. At worst, since you both behaved so poorly, your agent has now cut you both loose. (A bit of discretion could have avoided all this angst.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Walking a Dog

~ John W. Howell ~ 92 Comments
Photo by Martin Dalsgaard on Unsplash

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Walking a Dog

10. If you are walking your dog, do not stop at a neighbor’s nice grassy place and let your dog do its thing. If you do, at best, your neighbor will nicely ask you not to do that again. At worst, you will wake in the morning to a load of manure on your driveway with a note, “Sorry about my elephant’s mistake. I’ll be back to pick it up later.” (Don’t hold your breath for the pickup, Buster. But do for the stink.)

9. If you are walking your dog, do not think other dogs would be fortunate to meet and play with yours without the other owner’s concurrence. If you do, at best, the other dog’s owner will be nice enough to be patient and not sock you. At worst, the other owner’s dog is a rescue from a dog fighting ring and has been in a twelve-step program designed to stop aggressive fighting behavior and, up to this moment, has been doing beautifully. (Shredded clothes are the least of your worries, Bunky.)

8. If you are walking your dog and find you do not have a litter bag at the moment of truth, do not simply leave it there. If you do, at best, someone will remind you of proper behavior. At worst, you may run into Tiny the WWF Champ, who is in a very bad mood and has just left the couples counseling session with the knowledge that he is considered a pushover and now has your dog’s mess on his shoe. (You may want to consider picking up the pooch and booking for home, Baylor.)

7. If you are walking your dog, do not think it is cute to let it run free with no leash. If you do, at best, you will get unapprovingly stern looks from other dog owners. At worst, you may lose your dog around the corner and come to realize the animal control officer pulling away has it and the lion mix it was fighting in the back of the van. (Hopefull you can cover the fine, Bosco. If not, maybe you can trade adopting the lion mix for the ticket.)

6. If you are walking your dog, do not think you can leave it tied up outside a store for long. If you do, at best, your dog will bark and draw a crowd of unappreciative animal lovers. At worst, you will need to explain to animal control why you left your dog in the sun with no water while you are swinging from a tree upside down where the crowd left you. (Calling for help is futile, Bryce. It will only bring the crowd back.)

5. If you are walking your dog, you need to remember that the pavement gets hot in the summer. If you forget, at best, your dog will get tired enough of having hot paws and will jump into your arms to be carried for the rest of the way. At worst, the dog in your arms weighs over one hundred pounds, and you will struggle to stay on your feet as you slowly return home barefooted, followed by the patrol car with the police officer who threatened to ticket you for animal cruelty unless you gave him your shoes. (How do you like the hotfoot, Brandon?)

4. If you are walking your dog, do not forget to bring water for the dog to drink. If you do forget, at best, your walk will need to be cut short. At worst, your dog will beg passersby to be adopted into foster care. (Will work for a good home is what the sign says, Buford. It is sad that your dog is smarter than you.)

3. If you are walking your dog at night, don’t think everyone can see you if you don’t have a light. If you do, at best, you may find yourself jumping into a ditch to avoid the near misses of those who can’t see you. At worst, you may find yourself riding out of town on the front of a huge truck whose driver has no idea you and your dog are there hanging on for dear life. (The noise of the engine is drowning out your pitiful cries for help, Bruce. Sit back and enjoy the ride.)

2. If you are walking your dog, don’t forget to keep an eye out for coyotes or other animals that might consider your dog a tasty treat. If you do, at best, you may have to make a run for it unexpectedly. At worst, you might be in a position of having to go to a primal position and challenge the leader of the pack to a showdown while keeping your frightened pooch safe in your pants. (your howling is very convincing, Bradly. In fact, I think the leader thinks you are cute.”

1. If you walking your dog, don’t forget all is well, and it is a beautiful day there is no more rewarding time. Keep your dog safe on a leash. If you do, at best, you will enjoy your friend for years, and there is no worse. (Nice smile, Beauregard. You are a lucky person)