Bastille photo from Wikipedia

Since July marks the anniversary of the storming of the Bastille in 1789, I thought it would be a good idea to lay out some things not to do if you can go there and join in the fun. As you know, the Bastille was a prison that the government of the time used to incarcerate and torture political prisoners. The day is called “Bastille Day” in English (la Fête Nationale in French) and is widely recognized as the beginning of the French Revolution. If you are going, take this list. Who knows, it might just save your head. This post first ran on July 15th 2019

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Storming the Bastille in 1789

10 If you are storming the Bastille, do not continue to carry your Vive Le Roi banner. If you do, at best, someone will take it from you. At worst, you will be associated with royalty and may become a guest of the third estate at the next guillotine party. (Why on Earth didn’t you know this was a demonstration against Louis XVI, Ike. Too many vin rouges, eh?)

9 If you are storming the Bastille, do not get in front of Tiny, the WWF champ. If you do, at best, you’ll fall down, and Tiny will run over you. At worst, Tiny just left the rally where the beer was free and is anxious to grab the royal flag. (The sad thing is, Tiny is focused on getting through the locked door and is now using you like a battering ram. It should be over in a few minutes, Iggy one way or another.)

8 If you are storming the Bastille, do not count on trading stories with the Marquis de Sade, a prisoner there. If you do, at best, you’ll accept that he left ten days before. At worst, you’ll try to organize a group to storm the insane asylum where he was transferred. (You have to admit, not many want to help you, Ilias. Maybe that should give you a clue.)

7 If you are storming the Bastille, do not insist on a foie gras lunch. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, the average person has no idea what a foie gras is and will think you a royalist. (Now we are back to the original invitation to the head loss party after the storming is done, Inigo. I would think you could learn something in all this.)

6 If you are storming the Bastille, do not get caught with your “Go Camera recording the whole thing. If you do, at best, you can tell them it’s a new kind of bomb, and they’ll believe you. At worst, your explanation will fall on deaf ears. (So now you are in line for the dunking chair, which is designed to get the truth out of witches. Just tell them you are a witch, Isaak. Maybe they’ll go easy on you.)

5 If you are storming the Bastille, do not say to the mob that red, white, and blue are not your colors. If you do, at best you’ll get a sympathetic colorist. At worst, you would be confessing to a bloodthirsty peasant your disdain for the tri-color, the symbol of the revolution. (Yes, his eyes are red, Isah. No, I don’t think he has allergies. I believe he is mad at you. Yeah, running may not be the answer.)

4 If you are storming the Bastille, do not stop for a café au lait and croissant. If you do, at best, you won’t be late for the storming. At worst, you’ll arrive after the storming is over and be accused of dereliction of duty. (I’ll bet you can guess what the punishment is for dereliction of duty, Iman. You got it. The big falling blade and close haircut.)

3 If you are storming the Bastille, do not try to yell “Liberté, égalité, fraternité” in French. If you do, at best, the noise will be too loud, and no one will hear you. At worst, you will be heard, and your American accent will give you away. (You wonder why everyone is so angry, Iain? They want their revolution to be theirs without interference from Americans. If you continue to try to help, you will. only to be despised later)

2 If you are storming the Bastille, do not suggest that it would make a beautiful condo after the storming. If you do, at best, folks will think you are shell-shocked. At worst, Maximilien Robespierre will overhear your idea. (You may wonder why ole Max gave you a card with the number one printed on it, Idi. You have been honored to be the first to give up your head for the revolution. There’s the guillotine line right over there. You just march right to the front. It’s your right.)

1 If you are storming the Bastille, do not throw away that stale baguette. If you do, at best, you will still have a sword. At worst, that baguette would have made an excellent weapon, and now you are defenseless. (Everyone knows that a day-old baguette can be used to drive nails, Ignace. Think of what a beautiful club it would have made.)