Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Reading a Book

~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

Top Ten

 

 

The inspiration for this list came to me while traveling. I was watching several people reading books and doing other things. It struck me that there are several things that one should not do while reading a book. I hope you enjoy this list.

10 If you are reading a book, do not drive a car. If you do, at best you may lose your place when you drop the book to avoid an accident. At worst, you may lose the book when you end upside down in a culvert. (Didn’t see that curve while you were wrapped up in the murder scene huh, Esau?)

9 If you are reading a book, do not walk in heavy pedestrian traffic. If you do, at best you’ll avoid getting knocked down. At worse, you will run into Tiny the WWF champ as he is leaving his tactile psychosis support group. (Hard to believe someone has such a problem with being touched. I don’t think offering Tiny the book will offset his reaction, Efrain. Maybe running is a better choice.)

8 If you are reading a book, do not sip hot coffee without taking your eyes off the book. If you do, at best you’ll only spill a drop. At worst, you might miss your mouth and feel the joy of 180-degree liquid on your chest. ( Lucky for you your lap was under the table, Eloi.)

7 If you are reading a book, do not step onto an elevator. If you do, at best there is room for you. At worst, the elevator is packed with members of the NFL bargaining unit members, and they just lost a bargaining point to the owners. (Kind of shocking they wouldn’t make room for a dweeb with a book, Ealdun. Lucky for you your foot didn’t get stuck in the door.)

6 If you are reading a book, do not eat pasta marinara. If you do, at best your book is on Kindle, and the screen is cleanable. At worst, you are reading the first edition of War and Peace which you borrowed from the Library of Congress. (Looks like destroying a national treasure carries a significant penalty, Eban. Maybe A fishing trip to Canada is in order.)

5 If you are reading a book, do not operate machinery. If you do, at best the mechanism doesn’t have spinning blades. At worst, your machine is designed to chop a twelve-ton block of steel into one-inch pieces. (You might want to put that book down, Ebo. It looks like the feeding phase inadvertently has your shirt tangled with the twelve-ton block of steel.)

4 If you are reading a book, do not continue your free fall while skydiving. If you do, at best the exciting part will end in time for the ripcord pull. At worst, you are at the part in the book where the detective is about to expose the identity of the murderer. (Only two more pages and you’ll know, Edoardo. Too bad the ground is there in one.)

3 If you are reading a book, do not take the black five diamond downhill ski course. If you do, at best a ski patrol member will be close. At worst, your fall and roll was the beginning of the giant snowball that crashed into the lodge through the huge dining room floor to ceiling window. (Lucky you survived, Eero. Now the hotel management would like to know if you want to put the $50,000 window on your room tab.)

2 If you are reading a book, do not shoot the curl of a gigantic wave off the coast of Hawaii. If you do, at best your wipeout will be well offshore. At worst, you will ride the wave entirely distracted until you land on the shore. (Just how hard did you hit the sand, Egon? We sure hope you can get out of that ten-foot deep crater. Give Egan a hand for that unorthodox landing, folks)

1 If you are reading a book, do not continue to compete in the world airplane aerobatics competition. If you do, at best you might miss a loop. At worst, you may lose your orientation and think up is down and down is up. (Time to put the book down, Ekon. If you are quick, you just may pull out of this dive before dropping below the horizon. It is very hard below that horizon.)

Top Ten Things Not To Do at an Organic Supermarket – Replay

~ John W. Howell ~ 31 Comments

Since I’m traveling today, I decided to rerun one of my Top Ten Not to Do lists. This list originally ran on July 11th, 2016. If you haven’t read it before I hope you enjoy it.

 

Organic Food Store

 

The inspiration for this list is many visits to organic chain supermarkets. I’m usually there because I like a brand of wine that the chain carries. Of course, living on an island means when I drive the 360 miles round trip, I want to linger and observe other activities. I hope you like the list.

10 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not secretly pop samples into your mouth from the bulk food section. If you do, at best you may ingest a foreign object. At worst, you will be caught and weighed before being charged the $10.00 a pound going rate. (Had to wonder what that walk-on scale was for, huh Bo-Bo?)

9 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not block the aisles as you study each purchase looking for evidence of an ingredient to which you are allergic. If you do, At best your cart will be hit as others try to get around. At worst, you might get run over by Tiny the 300 pound WWF champ as he sprints toward the carrot juice section. (Better to joust with a train. Right?)

8 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the butcher if the organic pork is grass-fed. If you do, at best he will laugh you out of the store. At worst, he will convince you to go home and read up on the dietary habits of pigs. (At least tofu is on the list of things pigs will eat. Of course, there is nothing pigs won’t eat.)

7 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if the organic bottled water is gluten-free. If you do at best, the clerk will be confused. At worst, you might cause a very delicate personality to crack completely. ( Can you imagine what would have happened if you asked for help finding something.)

6 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not forget to bring your own bags. If you do, at best you will have to balance your purchases and hope to make the car before the peanut butter hits the parking lot surface. At worst, you will be charged for more bags which you’ll never need again. (Asking for a plastic bag was a big mistake)

5 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not show visible signs of your pending heart attack when you see the total bill. If you do, at best you will make the clerk’s day. At worst, those around you will want your hide for exposing the fact that to eat this way is very expensive. (Yeah they knew it, but don’t need reminders)

4 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if there are cruelty-free grapes in the wine. If you do, at best the clerk will call the manager for an answer. At worst the manager has just turned in his gross receipts and is now on probation for slipping sales. (The manager’s sense of humor is at an all-time low and used to be a postal worker till released for anger management issues)

3 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the beauty aids clerk which essential oil they would recommend to attract more dates. If you do, at best the clerk will think you totally perverted. At worst, the clerk will take the opportunity to test the company’s non-hostile work environment policy with a request of the boss to toss you out of the store. (Wow! Talk about overused political correctness)

2 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not buy hemp products with the belief that you can use then to get high. If you do, at best you will waste your money. At worse, you will feel pretty foolish waiting in the shower for the hemp soap to kick in. (Meanwhile, the water temperature is moving toward Antarctic)

1 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the carry out person any questions about attire, body art, or hairstyle. If you do, at best they will ignore you. At worst, they will start the long story about personal freedoms and what it means to be able to be who they are. (That organic ice cream dripping on the pavement cost $10.00. Might be time to move on)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Puppy Owner

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

 

Twiggy

The inspiration for this post has been a month of puppy raising.

10 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Is that a new puppy?” If you do, at best you will get a, “yes.” At worst, the owner will wonder if you lost your mind and answer, “no it is an old puppy.” (I think you could have guessed there have been some long nights, Eberhardt.)

9 If you meet a puppy owner whose name is Tiny, do not say, “What kind of horse is that?” If you do, at best Tiny the WWF champ will think you are kidding. At worst, Tiny just left the vet’s office with strict instructions to cut back on the amount of food he is feeding his Great Dane Puppy. (We all know you didn’t mean to hit a sore spot, Ede. The knowledge is not going to help sooth that pain though, so running is definitely in the cards right now.)

8 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Your arms look like you’ve been using.” If you do, at best the owner will laugh at the statement. At worst, you’ll be handed the puppy so you can experience the joy of those needle-like teeth for yourself. (One way to get a puppy to release is to offer a chew toy, Edwaldo. Oh, you don’t have a chew toy? Next stop the ER.)

7 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “How much did that puppy cost?” If you do, at best the owner will ignore you. At worst, you will have to be patient as the owner details all the expenses so far. ( It has been ten minutes, Efrem and now it looks like you are going to miss your bus. Aren’t you glad you asked?)

6 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Is that a purebred?” If you do, at best no one cares. At worst, you will have touched on the one item on which the owners violently disagree. (How were you to know these two were on the verge of a breakup over the question of pure breed or not, Ekewaka. Well, it looks like the whole argument has flared again. Best to quietly walk away.)

5 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “How are you adjusting?” If you do, at best you’ll get a stiff upper lip response with no detail. At worst, your question triggered a very loud and tear-filled explanation on how hard it has been. (Even though you are not totally comfortable, Elden letting this person sob on your shoulder is the right thing to do. I would tell those people they can move on and quit gawking.)

4 If you meet puppy owner, do not ask, “Is your puppy house trained yet?” If you do, at best the owner has no concerns about house training. At worse you might have to listen to a lecture on the psychological damage owners inflict on poor puppies expecting house training too early. (Well, I guess it isn’t going well, Elhanan. What is your guess?)

3 If you meet a puppy owner, do not ask, “Which is easier Puppies or kids?” If you do, at best the owner will be honest and say “kids.”. At worst, you’ll get a stink eye from hell and a request to step aside. ( Looks like both jobs are a problem, Elisha. I would step aside before someone gets hurt. Namely you.)

2 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Why did you pick that name?” If you do, at best the owner will assume you are not being critical. At worst, the owner will think you are questioning the choice and go to extremes to make the name choice seem plausible. (I think the owner believes everyone names their puppy Little Poop, Ellen. I, like you, wanted more information about that choice. Oh well, maybe next time.)

1 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say,  “What made you get a puppy?” If you do at best, you’ll get a heartwarming story. At worst, after the crying stops, you will feel sorry for the owner and the puppy and are now the proud owner of a new puppy. (I have to say, Elmore that puppy is better off with you.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do According to Murphy’s Law

~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

 

The inspiration for this list was thinking of all the things we do on a daily basis that someone else has done before. This naturally brought up the idea of mistakes and how often they are repeated down through history. Then the thought turned to specific laws governing natural phenomena. An example would be Newton’s law of gravity. “What goes up, Must come down,” was inspired by an apple falling on Newton’s head. (or so the story goes.) Finally turning to other laws prompted the inspection of certain laws and most specifically Murphy’s. The law, “What can go wrong will.” After all, some of the laws of science way too boring for this kind of blog. I hope you enjoy.

10 According to Murphy’s Law do not drop a much-needed and irreplaceable hex screw being installed in your current project. If you do, at best it will roll under the bench. At worst it will drop into a drain opening never to be seen again. (Might as well buy another widget for $300.00, Etienne. You’ll never be able to buy a replacement screw that would be ten cents if available.)

9 According to Murphy’s Law, do not buy that horse. If you do, at best you love it forever. At worst, you’ll want to sell it, and there are no buyers. (The sad part, Emeril, is it will outlive you.)

8 According to Murphy’s Law, do not pick a fight with Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny has achieved a new state of Nirvana and will bless you. At worst, you have to come to grips with the fact you are no Bruce Lee. (Looks like those running shoes will get another great workout today, Ellison. You go boy.)

7 According to Murphy’s Law, do not handle that expensive crystal vase. If you do, at best you catch it before it hits the floor. At worst, before you can even think of an excuse, you hear, “What was that breaking sound?” (You should have memorized Murphy’s constant, Eduard. “Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.”)

6 According to Murphy’s Law, do not park your car on the street. If you do, at best you ‘ll only have bird dropping problems. At worst, that Russian Satellite reentering the Earth’s atmosphere conveniently has your car coordinates as a landing site. (You could never imagine this happening, Earvin. That piece of space junk was supposed to burn up. Murphy’s law of falling object had this covered with “A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.”)

5 According to Murphy’s Law, do not try to paint a room without an adequate cover on the carpet. If you do, at best you’ll catch every drip. At worst, you’ll only discover the dried paint drips after being pointed out by the person who told you to use an adequate cover.  (Good luck, Emil at the carpet store and that overnight arrangement in the spare room.)

4 According to Murphy’s Law, do not be careless with that expensive power tool while on a twelve-foot ladder. If you do, at best when it falls the cord will hook on something and prevent ground contact. At worst, you’ll be working over concrete, and the cord does not hook to prevent ground contact. (So father’s day will be here before you know it, Edmond. Of course, maybe the family is tired of replacing expensive power tools.)

3 According to Murphy’s Law, do not think because you are late you can make up time on the freeway. If you do, at best there will be light traffic. At worst, that eighteen wheeler turned over, blocking all lanes is just ahead —after you enter the freeway. (Well now, Eachan. You might as well turn off the car and relax. The traffic central says the police need to investigate before moving anything. That job interview can be rescheduled. Aw, too bad your phone is dead and you forgot your charging cord.)

2 According to Murphy’s Law, do not try to explain the now quiet noise in your car’s engine to the mechanic. If you do, at best you will cause more confusion. At worst, your mechanic will replace the most expensive element of your engine using your noise as justification. (You are not surprised that the noise returns after you get a block from the mechanic’s garage are you, Eagan?)

1 According to Murphy’s Law, do not try to tear that paper towel with one hand. If you do, at best you’ll end up with shreds. At worst, that spill that you are trying to contain will have seeped onto the floor to form a permanent stain in the wood. (I guess you should have known, Eamonn that according to Murphy’s law paper is strongest at the perforation.)

Top Ten Things Never to Throw Away When Organizing

~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list is wondering how come we hang onto things in case they may come in useful someday. This list tries to understand the motivation for holding onto items that may be past their point of usefulness.

10 When organizing, do not throw away that eight-track cassette player.  If you do, at best you’ll hate yourself in the morning. At worst, you’ll see that very same model for sale on E-Bay, and the last bid is $10,000. (Well that will teach you to be impetuous after twenty-five years of storage, huh Eric?)

9 When organizing, do not throw away that autographed photo of Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best it will be well hidden in a black plastic bag. At worst, Tiny just started as your garbologist after being released from self-esteem therapy and discovers the photo at the bottom of your trash can. (I’ll bet you can guess why he is pounding on your front door can’t you, Emmanuel? Here is a hint. Grab those running shoes and head out the back door. Your house and belongings can be replaced.)

8 When organizing, do not throw away that hand knit Christmas turtleneck sweater Aunt Helen gave you when you were thirteen. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, you realize your mistake at the reading of Aunt Helen’s will where she leaves you her entire fortune if you wear the sweater once a week for a year. (Looks like she suspected you didn’t like it, Edward. Too bad you tossed it last week.)

7 When organizing, do not throw away those naked pictures of you at the beach. If you do, at best you shredded them first. At worst, you suddenly discover them on Tumblr on a site called, “Naked and Crazy.” (Better think of a good story, Elias since HR wants to talk to you about a “morals clause” violation in your employment contract.)

6 When organizing, do not throw away old tax records. If you do, at best your town’s dump is very secure. At worst, you realize when you are shopping at the food store, and your card is denied that you no longer are the only person with your social security number. (Looks like those stocks, bonds, and bank accounts are gone too, Eugene. Looks like you need to call the police.)

5 When organizing, do not throw away all your children’s school drawings and report cards. If you do, at best they won’t care. At worst, your children will want those items to relive their experiences with their kids. (Now what are you going to do, Erik? I suppose you could try to recreate the drawings from memory. Naw better yet ask the neighbor if you can borrow theirs.)

4 When organizing, do not throw away that old portable TV. If you do, at best you’ll never miss it. At worst, you’ll need it to see the last half of the Final Four Championship game since your internet and cell service went down. (Now aren’t you sorry you relied on twenty-first-century technology, Enzo? Just think you could have seen the game finish on that twentieth-century set with the rabbit ears. Now you have to wait to read the news.)

3 When organizing, do not throw away that almost new tire that you had to take off your 1978 Chevrolet to replace the front two. If you do, at best your current car has bigger wheels. At worst, you will have a blow out on your new vehicle which has no spare. (See, you could have at least used that tire as a temporary solution, Earl. Well maybe not.)

2 When organizing, do not throw away that power tool that quit working twelve years ago. If you do, at best your new device keeps working. At worst, your new gadget needs a small clip that broke which is unavailable at the parts store and was intact on the one you threw away. (Come on Emiliano this would never happen in a million years.)

1 When organizing, do not throw away those worn out shoes. If you do, at best you’ll enjoy the closet space. At worst, once they are gone, you realize you have nothing to wear to mow the lawn and work in the garden once that pair of old shoes wears out. (Well now, Elvin you have a triage problem on your remaining shoes. I know there are some favorites in there, but you gotta make a choice.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Hanging Out With a Vampire – Book Launch by Charles E. Yallowitz

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments
Cover Art by Alison Hunt

In celebration of the launch of War of Nytefall, I invited Charles to take over the Top Ten duties for today. Also, it is Charles’ birthday so today is very special. Without delay, I give you Charles E. Yallowitz.

A big thanks to John, especially for letting me do one of his famous ‘Top 10’ lists in order to promote my new book. Since my latest fantasy adventure series, War of Nytefall: Loyalty, revolves around vampires, we’re going to go over some warnings to keep in mind. (For fun, check out the opposing list on My Train of Thoughts On . . .)

  1. If you are hanging out with a vampire, do not try to invite them to brunch. If you do, at best they’ll be a Dawn Fang and say they aren’t hungry. At worst, you will end up eating across from a pile of ashes and be asked to leave since it’s a non-smoking establishment. (You didn’t even get your third mimosa!)
  2. If you are hanging out with a vampire, do not show off your crucifix collection. If you do, at best they’ll run away, and the friendship is over. At worst, they’ll take offense at the pushing of a stereotype and break the cross handed down through the generations over your head. (The time he invited you to a Passover Seder might have been a clue that this wouldn’t work.)
  3. If you are hanging out with a vampire, do not repeatedly ask them if they hang out at high schools. If you do, at best you’ll end up sitting through a long rant about how Joss Whedon and Stephanie Meyers should be sued for defamation of character. At worst, you’ll be stripped naked and put in the nearest school gym locker to see how you like being called a pervert. (What is it with humans and having vampires go after jailbait?)
  4. If you are hanging out with a vampire, do not challenge them to a boxing match. If you do, at best you will be knocked out with one punch and wake up in the hospital. At worst, your head will sail through the window, across the street, and land in the punch bowl of the latest meeting of the ‘Sufferers of Decapitation Nightmares’. (Tiny the WWF Champ never could hold back.)
  5. If you are hanging out with a vampire, do not eat food with tons of garlic. If you do, at best your friend will be a Dawn Fang and politely flick a mint into your mouth. At worst, the vampire goes into anaphylactic shock and ends up in the hospital. (No, doctor, I’m sure this person has a pulse, and it’s the machine that’s wrong.)
  6. If you are hanging out with a vampire, do not take them to the House of Mirrors. If you do, at best they’ll not see their reflection and play pranks on the other people. At worst, they will see their reflection and be violently embarrassed by a large scrap of jogger stuck in their fangs. (It’s hard enough to floss without sword-like teeth stabbing you in the hand.)
  7. If you are hanging out with a vampire, do not talk to them with a corny Dracula accent. If you do, at best they’ll tell you to stop being an idiot. At worst, you’ll learn that Dracula was their uncle and you really shouldn’t make fun of his speech impediment. (Not his fault his fangs were four times larger than that of your average vampire. In fact, most women would say . . . Okay, moving on.)
  8. If you are hanging out with a vampire, do not ask to try what they’re drinking. If you do, at best you’ll get sick and learn your lesson. At worst, you’ll find that you enjoy the taste and go on a feeding frenzy as the ghoulish servant of your new master. (That’s for eating all that garlic. Even a human would have found that stench nauseating.)
  9. If you are hanging out with a vampire, do not tell everyone around that your friend is a blood-drinking creature. If you do, at best people won’t believe you and call the men in white suits. At worst, you’ll find out how many vampire hunters are in the area and be the only one left to explain all the bodies to the cops. (There’s a reason we don’t announce ourselves, Billy!)
  10. If you are hanging out with a vampire, do not insist on watching ‘Blade’ every time you hang out. If you do, at best they’ll say yes. At worst . . . You know what? That’s going to be fine. Even vampires will admit to loving that movie. Just tone down the garlic popcorn this time. (Seriously, do you eat that much to counter a chronic health condition?)

Book Blurb

In the wake of the Great Cataclysm, a new predator will emerge within Windemere’s shadow.

For fifty years, Clyde has remained buried while the rest of the vampires have been battling against their enemies. Only Mab believes that her former partner survived his execution and is determined to bring him back to the city of Nyte. Retrieving the vampiric thief is only the beginning as he comes out of the ground stronger, faster, and demonstrating powers that their kind have never witnessed throughout their ancient history. Thrown into the war, Clyde must be careful to hide his true nature while fighting alongside his old friends. Too bad he is having so much fun that keeping his secret might be furthest from his mind.

Will anyone be ready for the rise of the Dawn Fangs?

Grab your copy of War of Nytefall: Loyalty on Amazon!

Author Info

Charles Yallowitz was born and raised on Long Island, NY, but he has spent most of his life wandering his own imagination in a blissful haze. Occasionally, he would return from this world for the necessities such as food, showers, and Saturday morning cartoons. One day he returned from his imagination and decided he would share his stories with the world. After his wife decided that she was tired of hearing the same stories repeatedly, she convinced him that it would make more sense to follow his dream of being a fantasy author. So, locked within the house under orders to shut up and get to work, Charles brings you Legends of Windemere. He looks forward to sharing all of his stories with you, and his wife is happy he finally has someone else to play with.

Blog: www.legendsofwindemere.com
Twitter: @cyallowitz
Facebook: Charles Yallowitz
Website: www.charleseyallowitz.com

The Top Ten Things Not to Do When Talking to a Customer Service Representative

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

 

Customer Care

 

The inspiration for this list came to me as I was engaged in discussions with a customer care representative. The positive side is the creation of this list.

10 If you are talking with customer care, do not forget that “Customer Care.” is an oxymoron. If you do, at best you’ll retain hope of getting your problem resolved. At worst, you will continue to pull on your hair until a large area of exposed scalp occurs. (Now, don’t you look good, Derwin. Folks are going to be asking about that bald spot on the side of your head. I would make up some kind of medical treatment story.)

9 If you are talking with customer care, do not forget they have your address. If you do, at best you won’t insult tiny the WWF champ. At worst, you will challenge Tiny to meet you outside. Tiny just graduated from his tenth stint of anger management, and he is more than glad to take you up on your offer since he still doesn’t get the management part. (Who’d a thought Tiny was in the next town, Deveon. I don’t think I would go out to meet him no matter how many rocks he throws at your house.)

8 If you are talking with customer care, do not become impatient if the rep can’t understand or hear you. If you do, at best they will hang up. At worst, you will be put into the penalty box for an hour cooling off period. (One nice thing about being on hold, Deverel is you get to listen to music that sounds like it is piped through sandpaper. Don’t get upset by that announcement every minute that tries to convince you of your importance to the company as a customer. They don’t give a rip.)

7 If you are talking with customer care, do not give any helpful information before the rep asks for it. If you do, at best you’ll be repeating yourself often. At worst, the rep will become confused, and your problem will only be made worse by a duplicate shipment.(Yeah that second shipment was as wrong as the first huh, Deylin. This time though it cost twenty dollars more. Good luck on returning two.)

6 If you are talking with customer care, do not ask to speak to a supervisor. If you do, at best you’ll get another rep worse than the first. At worst, you’ll get a supervisor who was told by the boss to reduce call times and refunds. (That was a delightful two-second conversation, Diarmid. I’ll bet you are trying to translate the phrase, “Get off the phone,” as it related to your problem, right?)

5 If you are talking with customer care, do not try to be friendly by asking where the rep is located. If you do, at best you’ll get, “Somewhere in the World,” as an answer. At worst, the rep will interpret your friendliness as a hostile threat much like the previous one hundred hostile threats before you. (That tone you hear means you have been disconnected, Dilan. Don’t call back for a while. Maybe that rep will need to take a break.)

4 If you are talking with customer care, do not try to impress the rep with your long-standing good customer profile. If you do, at best the rep will not laugh openly in your ear. At worst, the rep will put you on speaker phone so that the rest of the reps in the calling center can have a good laugh at your expense. (Now that you think of it, Dimas there are other outlets which might welcome your business.)

3 If you are talking with customer care, do not think the rep is qualified to solve your problem. If you do, at best you will be confused as to why the solution is so difficult. At worst, you will end the call and give a ten out of ten rating only to find the problem is still there. (Not only is the problem still there, Dino but now is complicated by a bill collector pounding on your door.)

2 If you are talking with customer care, do not have mistakenly called another company. If you do, at best the rep will spot the problem right away. At worst, the rep will provide excellent service to no avail when it is discovered you are not returning a John Deere tractor. (How could the customer service numbers for the two companies be so close, Dmitri? You sure you dialed correctly? Now give that nice person a ten-star rating. After all, you were only on the phone for an hour.)

1 If you are talking with customer care, do not call if you have anything else in the world to do. If you do, at best you’ll finally give up for the lack of time. At worst, you will continue to hang on while that doctor appointment scheduled for three hours after you started the call will go unattended. (You know in your heart that the doctor was more important than getting the right lamp, Dolphus. You just felt you were close enough to victory to hang on just a little longer. Well, the doc is going to bill you. Better you should have tossed the lamp and ordered another one.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Four Hour Car Trip Alone

~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do.

 

This list was inspired by my recent four-hour one way trip to Galveston. I had to keep reminding my self to avoid each of these things which I managed to do.

10 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not decide to set up a new playlist on Spotify while driving. If you do, at best you’ll take a wrong turn. At worst, you’ll get pulled over by a small town police officer who thinks you are texting and driving. (Lucky the officer is a Dead Head and let you go after a twice run through of “Keep on Truckin” huh, Dawud?)

9 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not pick up hitchhikers. If you do, at best they will be a traveling preacher. At worst you’ll pick up Tiny the WWF champ who has just jogged for ten miles and tells you he thinks he needs a shower. (What gave you a clue, Daylin? Maybe the steamed up windows or the fact that your air freshener exploded?)

8 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not continue to update the GPS system looking for a shorter route.. If you do, at best you’ll end up at a dead-end street. At worst, after four hours the system will route you to a point where you realize you are one state over from your destination. (Best to keep your hands off the system, Dearborn. Maybe it is time to deal with those trust issues.)

7 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not think you need to pass every car on the road. If you do, at best you get stuck behind a slow-moving truck and pass through a speed trap ten miles under the limit. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the oncoming lane with someone at your side who has the same objective. (Is he actually wearing a death’s-head mask,  Declan? Maybe you better hit the brake and get back in your lane. I know, tough decision.)

6 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not decide to do e-mails on your phone. If you do, at best you’ll trash the most important. At worst, you will get so engrossed that you miss the road closed sign. (Looks like you are buried in mud, Delany. Hope you have Triple A.)

5 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not try to stay alert with copious amounts of caffeine. If you do, at best there will be plenty of rest areas. At worst you didn’t pay attention to the sign Last Rest Area for 100 Miles and now you are sweating like an overworked racehorse. (Even the descriptor of racehorse brings up increased tension, Delmar. Why is all the land around you flat and lacking vegetation?)

4 If you are alone on a long car trip, do not start singing and using stage gestures along with the show tune on the radio. If you do, at best those going the opposite way won’t call the State Police to report a crazy person behind the wheel. At worst, they will. (You passed the touch nose test, Demitri. Now, let’s see how that straight line walking goes.)

3 If you are alone on a long trip, do not think you are safe going nine miles an hour over the speed limit. If you do, at best you won’t see any police. At worst, you will meet a friendly State Trooper who writes up everyone who is five miles per hour over the limit. (The nice part about being caught in a small town is the folks in jail are very friendly, Derby.)

2 If you are alone on a long trip, do not think you can drive and let your mind wander at the same time. If you do, at best the rumble strips will pop you back to reality. At worst, you’ll have just solved that plot conundrum at the same time you end up in a ditch. (The sad thing is that solution flew out your very broken window when you rolled the car, Deron.)

1 If you are alone on a long trip, or any trip, do not text and drive. If you do, at best there will be no consequences. At worst, you might be in a position to regret your action for the rest of your life, Derry.)

 

Top Ten Things Not To Do Thinking Spring is Right Around the Corner

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list came from reading all the posts where folks have anticipated the first day of spring (tomorrow) only to be faced with tons of Ice, snow, and sleet. Knowing spring is here only makes the reversal in weather more demoralizing.

10 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not clean out the garage. If you do, at best you’ll need heavy winter clothes. At worst you’ll get everything out on the driveway just as a nor’easter hits. (Maybe after the thaw you’ll be able to find that snow shovel, Dann.)

9 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not hire Tiny the WWF champ to prune your shrubs. If you do, at best he won’t show. At worst, he just graduated from landscaping school where the last course was labelled “start over.” (Amazing what a yard looks like with nubs for shrubs huh, Danyal? So there’s that set of tongs you dropped in the roses two years ago.)

8 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not go to Lowes and buy flats of annuals. If you do, at best they aren’t in stock yet. At worst, you can’t plant in twelve inches of snow so your living room floor is covered with the flats. (At least the cat is happy, Darby.)

7 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not go to the baseball season opener. If you do, at best you’ll have a seat under the overhang. At worst, you’ll sit for five innings thinking you are on an iceberg and then the game will be called on account of the blizzard. (It would have been fine except the pitcher could not see the catcher for the snow. Hows that frostbite treatment going, Dareau? Pretty embarrassing spot huh?)

6 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not hide Easter eggs. If you do, at best it will only rain. At worst, you might be able to wait out the storm and have the hunt in May. (I would not eat any of those eggs, Dariel.)

5 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not go golfing. If you do, at best there will be no lightning. At worst, you and your foresome have been listed as missing and possible victims of an avalanche. (Never thought to bring snow shoes did you, Darrence?)

4 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not invite everyone over for a spring cook out. If you do, at best your oven will put out a passable barbecue-like brisket. At worst, you will lose your grill and yourself in a snow drift and it will take eight of your guests forming a human chain just to rescue you. (What do you mean, “save the grill first,” Darroch?)

3 If you think spring is right around the corner, do not fly your new kite. If you do, at best the wind will be below 10 MPH. At worst, you will launch your kite just as the gale force winds and snow come roaring out of the North. (Hang on tightly, Darwin. This ride will be over pretty soon. Hopefully you will land where there is human habitation since I hear the bears are famished right now.)

2 If you think spring is just around the corner, do not paint that gazebo just yet. If you do, at best you’ll have water proof paint. At worst, just as you finish, the twelve inches of snow that falls will have a distinct tint like your gazabo used to have. (I hear you, Davi. They just don’t make paint like they used to.)

1 If you think spring is just around the corner, do not put out the patio furniture. If you do, at best those cushions will float. At worst, the whole set will disappear under a foot of snow and then be carried off by the spring thaw floods. (Makes you wonder about the greenhouse gas effect doesn’t it, Davion?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are Called for Jury Duty

~ John W. Howell ~ 89 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list was reading about Dan Antion’s experience with being called for jury duty. I asked Dan if he wouldn’t mind sharing what it was like. He graciously sent the rules of jury duty for my review. I have to tell you, Dan is the kind of guy who would never do any of these.

10 If you are called for jury duty, do not ignore the summons. If you do, at best the sheriff will greet you before you go to work. At worst, your co-workers will be entertained by the process known as the “perp walk.” (Who takes official papers seriously, Dubhgan? looks like the courts do.)

9 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to wear your “jurist badge.” If you do, at best someone may confuse you with a lawyer. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ and newest member of the sheriff’s department will have you on the floor with your hand’s zip-tied behind you. (You do look good in that jumpsuit, Dughall. I know, it would have been kind of Tiny to ask who you were but he had a job to do.)

8 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to check in with the clerk when you go on breaks or leave for the day. If you do, at best you’ll be marked absent and will have to serve again. At worst, an overzealous judge will think you are ignoring your duty and issue a summons for your arrest for contempt of court. (Now that past due parking ticket takes on a new meaning right, Duran? BTW what is a SWAT team doing at the front door with that battering ram?)

7 If you are called for jury duty, do not park anywhere but in the designated juror parking lot. If you do, at best you might get a ticket or be towed. At worst, you’ll return to your car and find it up on cement blocks. (Why are courthouses in the worst neighborhoods, Dusty? Oh look your engine is gone too.)

6 If you are called for jury duty, do not think being excused early means you don’t have to return to work. If you do, at best your boss will get a report of the hours. At worst, while you are celebrating the half day off in your favorite place, your boss and the boss’ boss all come in for lunch.(Kinda hard to explain why you are not at the courthouse, Devyn. Especially since it is after 1:00 and ten miles away from here.)

5 If you are called for jury duty, do not turn on the news in the juror’s lounge. If you do, at best the burley bailiff will turn it off. At worst, you will be singled out as the person responsible for the motion by the defense for a new trial. (Of course, the trial has been going on for four weeks, and now all your fellow jurors have you to thank for the huge waste of time, Dixon.)

4 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to turn off your cell phone. If you do, at best you’ll get no calls. At worst, just as the defense has concluded an emotional final argument, your phone goes off blaring your custom ringtone by the Who. (That long serious silence the defense was counting on just evaporated in laughter, Daegan. I’m not sure how they will feel about that move. I do know the judge just pounded the gavel head into sawdust.)

3 If you are called for jury duty, do not forget to bring your lunch. If you do, at best there will be a vending machine. At worst, there will be a vending machine but no way to make change. (You can still use that fiver, Dallen but I agree, five bucks seems like a lot for a Snickers bar.)

2 If you are called for jury duty, do not ignore the rules for walking around the courthouse. If you do, at best you may wander into the wrong court. At worst, you may go through a door that closes and locks behind you. (This is great, Damak. You have entered the private chambers of the judge and are being asked your name and what you are doing there. I think the next step is forced removal by that burley bailiff.  Yup here he comes.)

1 If you are called for jury duty, do not think you can leave without filling out the attendance report. If you do, at best you’ll have to serve again. At worse, you won’t have proof you spent the last three weeks as a juror to give to your employer. (You thought the bureaucracy was terrible during jury duty. How about the red tape at the unemployment office, Danhy?)