Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Helped Found Germantown Pennslyvania in 1683.

October 8, 2018October 7, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

In 1683, thirteen families from Krefeld, Germany, arrived in Philadelphia to begin Germantown, one of America’s oldest settlements. Since this week marks that anniversary, the Top Ten Things Not to Do provides advice (maybe a little late) if you found yourself part of that event.

10 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not wear your “I’d Rather be in Philadelphia,” T-shirt. If you do, at best your neighbors may wonder where your loyalties lie. At worst, you just might be left behind in Philadelphia to fend for yourself. (You are years away from the invention of the Philly Cheese Steak, Farvardin so life there may be hard.)

9 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try and tell Sehr Klein (Tiny) the GWF (German Wrestling Federation) where he can camp. If you do, at best he won’t understand your American German. At worst, you caught him just as he was released from a program of forced restraint and now wants to be free. (Looks like Sehr Klein has designs on demonstrating his Step Over Toe Hold on you, Fay. You do know how to wrestle, don’t you?)

8 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not admit you don’t like beer and would rather have a white wine. If you do, at best the rest will be grateful there is more for them. At worst, the powers that be may come to the conclusion you are French. (Now you have to worry about being invaded, Felican. Don’t worry just surrender and all will be well.)

7 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not think clever nicknames will be appreciated by your explorers. If you do, at best no one will answer when you use them. At worst, folks will get the idea you are possessed. ( If you hold your breath long enough you may survive the witch’s dunk tank, Felton. You now regret calling the leader “Fritz,” don’t you?)

6 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not refuse to live in a cave-like dwelling. If you do, at best you’ll be able to find a tent. At worst, you will not have a place when the winter snows settle in. (The cave homes were temporary, Feri. I think you ought to change your mind before those blue feet fall off.)

5 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not suggest a night on the town in Philadelphia. If you do, at best it is a six-mile walk, and you’ll have to go alone. At worst, you’ll get some friends to join you, and they will make you the designated transport person. (Nothing like trying to carry a couple of passed out revelers, huh Finnan? Too bad horses won’t be brought to Germantown for another three years.)

4 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not suggest solving the food shortage with a delivery from Dominoes. If you do, at best your cohorts will think you crazy. At worst you will be tasked with going out foraging for nuts, berries, and squirrel. ( Looks like your nut allergy is going to sideline your efforts, Fidello. Good luck explaining what a nut allergy is to these fifteenth-century roughnecks)

3 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not complain when you get a blister on your hand from chopping down trees. If you do, at best you will become the laughing stock of the settlement. At worst, you will be assigned a new job that is even harder. (How do you like playing the Ox on the front of that plow, Fionan? That whip sure clears the sinus huh?)

2 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try to form a football team to play Philadelphia. If you do, at best you might get one or two players. At worst, you’ll field a whole team and have to face the Phillies. (Did you think this through, Finnolaugh? Those guys are huge and don’t have to walk six miles to play.)

1 If you are part of the Germantown expedition, do not try to sell brightly colored cloth and jewelry. If you do, at best you have no buyers. At worst, since the community is made up of Mennonites, you might be the recipient of a religious intervention. (Nothing more elegant than having a group of bearded elders trying to exorcize the devil, huh Flainn? Wow that red-hot poker looks wicked.)

Ten Things Not to Do on International Vegetarian and Older Person’s Day

October 1, 2018September 30, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

This is another in the series of things not to do during historical occasions. Since today is the International Day of recognition for Vegetarians and Older Persons, I thought I would make fun of these occasions. Although I only do vegetarian every other day I am 100% an older person. I hope you like it.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do on the International Day of Vegetarians and Older Persons.

10 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not wear your “Vegetarians Eat What My Food Eats,” T-shirt. If you do, at best those you meet will wonder about you. At worst, that angry-looking gang at the tofu grill might decide that you need to go somewhere else. ( I’m not sure I would fool with the one swinging the nun-chucks, Faegan. He looks serious.)

9 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ about all the rabbit food on his plate. If you do, at best he’ll not hear you. At worst, since Tiny has been a vegetarian for two hours, he might take offense to your comment. (Don’t worry, Fafner, although Tiny’s looks could kill he doesn’t plan to eat you. Yet.)

8 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not go near Whole Foods if you plan to buy your normal red meat excesses. If you do, at best security will be heightened, and you’ll make it out of the store. At worst, you will come in contact with 100 of the most militant “I’d rather eat poop than meat, activists.” (You were warned, Fain. Now, I would just drop that standing rib roast and run for the exit.)

7 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not call your vegetarian neighbor and ask to borrow a cup of ground beef. If you do, at best they will hang up. At worst, they will call the police and file a hate crime complaint against you. (You should have checked out the city ordinance against mocking vegetarians before your call, Falke. Might have made a night in jail unnecessary.)

6 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not invite all your meat-eating friends over for a tofu turkey feast. If you do, at best you are going to run out of beer. At worst, your friends will believe you have lost your mind and need an intervention. (You have to wonder who ordered delivery of ten meat pizzas and buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Farah. They are only trying to help.)

5 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not go door to door in your neighborhood handing out celery and carrot sticks to whoever answers the door. If you do, at best your neighbors will think you are ill. At worst, the SWAT team will respond to numerous calls. (Your story about gifting veggies is falling on deaf ears, Farley. I would just confess to being drunk. Might be more comfortable in the long run.)

4 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not demonstrate in front of McDonald’s. If you do, at best the patrons will want you to drop dead. At worst, the manager who is eighteen years old will hit you with his personal MACE spray supply. (You might have a lawsuit, Farouk but you need to stop crying first.)

3 On Older Person’s Day, do not try to help an older person across the street. If you do, at best you’ll get advice to go somewhere else. At worst, the person will think you are after their belongings and use that hickory cane very effectively. (You’ll be able to breathe and walk in a few minutes, Farran. Remember no good deed goes unpunished.)

2 On Older Person’s Day, do not bring up the subject of quitting driving. If you do, at best there will be another argument. At worst, your older person will take you fro a demonstration cruise in their 1998 Mercury. (Those white knuckles are well deserved, Farris. Those were some pretty close calls.)

1 On Older Person’s Day, do not make dinner reservations for eight o’clock. If you do, at best your older person will need a meal before the meal. At worst, your older person will have an extended cocktail hour and do you the favor of passing out in the Vichyssoise. (You better help, Farruco. We could have a drowning incident here.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Working on the First Transcontinental Railroad in 1869

September 24, 2018September 23, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

More of the historical backdrop for this set of Top Ten Things Not to Do. The Top Ten Things Not to Do Working on the First Transcontinental Railroad in 1869

10. If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not forget to double-check your measurements. If you do, at best you can correct any mistakes before the East meets West. At worst, the Westbound group will be in Promontory Summit, Utah, and your Eastbound group will end up in Provo. (You only missed the union by a few hundred miles, Ferris. Maybe you can cut over before the three-foot snows.)

9 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not borrow Tiny the WWF champ’s sledge-hammer. If you do, at best Tiny will not know you have it. At worst, Tiny has been seeking help for his inability to let things go but has not covered the part dealing with possessions. (If you can, Forest, I would sneak that hammer back into Tiny’s tent since it looks like he is in stage ten of a meltdown looking for it.)

8 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not forget your gloves. If you do, at best you might be able to buy a pair. At worst, you will be using a shovel to dig out the rail bed for twelve hours a day. (It might be a good idea to get those hands wrapped somehow, Fredrik. Otherwise, I think you may be out of a job.)

7 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not light up your cigar as you are pouring gunpowder into the blasting holes. If you do, at best the wind will save you. At worst, you will get a lesson in flight long before the Wright brothers. (That ringing in your ears means you are lucky to be here, Fakhir.)

6 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not complain about the food. If you do, at best no one will listen. At worst, the cook, who is a graduate of the Culinary Institute, has a huge knife and very tender feelings. (I think it might be time to try out those new running shoes, Flint. I don’t think an apology is going to work this time.)

5 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not decide to sleep out on the prairie even though the stars are beautiful at night. If you do, at best the mosquitoes will drive you back to camp. At worst, your slumber will be disturbed by growling noises you never heard before. (Those are wolves, Finnigan. Playing possum is to going to help. I would get up and run screaming back to camp.)

4 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, I would not try to introduce smores at the nightly campfire. If you do, at best your fellow workers won’t pay attention. At worst, you won’t have enough to go around, and the resulting riot will get you fired. (Now that you are way out here, Findlay, how you going to get back to San Francisco?)

3 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not start singing, “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” If you do at best, you won’t remember the words and will stop. At worst, you’ll get to the part about Dina blowing her horn, and the rest of the workers will want to know who Dina is. (Looks like you have a credibility problem, Flynn. Everyone wants to meet Dina. You better figure out who is going to play Dina.)

2 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not think you can organize a union of workers. If you do, at best your boss will stop you before you get too far. At worst, the railroad company and the government will escort you off the job and on to a buckboard heading back to civilization. (I guess no one told you, Fabian, that this was going to be dangerous, unsafe, hard work, and you would only get minimum wage.)

1 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not party too hard after the last spike is driven. If you do, at best you will have a killer headache the next day. At worst, you might miss the train back to your city. (Well, Fachnan, it looks like you might be asking the local tribe of native Americans if they have room for a blood brother. Don’t be too surprised if they are less than friendly. You just finished a railroad through their land without their permission.)

Top Ten things Not to Do While Rome Burns in AD 64

September 10, 2018September 9, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten series with a historical background. Hope you enjoy.

10 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not practice your Lyre. If you do, at best you might be mistaken as a leader. At worst, the number one Lyre player might think you are mocking him. (I see a few centurions at your gate Finnobar. Time to move out.)

9 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to ignore Tiny the WWF champ when he yells instructions. If you do, at best Tiny will only grab you and toss you over the wall. At worst, Tiny who just graduated from Gladiator school will take the opportunity to hone his skills. (Looks like you have the net and trident Flynn. Might not be a match for the mace and double-edged sword. I would suggest begging.)

8 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wear your I’m a Happy Christian t-shirt today. If you do, at best no one will notice it. At worst, since the fire is being blamed on Christians, you may meet a lion up close and personal. (I think you need to do more than the “nice kitty” statement, Flannagain.)

7 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to get a refund on your Circus Maximus tickets. If you do, at best no one will be at the ticket office. At worst, you will be last in a line of 10,000. (Not to worry, Flin. There is always a fire-check for the next show.)

6 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not walk around town with that torch. If you do, at best people will think you are connected. At worst, someone will get the idea you had something to do with the fire. (Now it looks like you really have to leave town, Fonzell. Wonder what’s happening in Naples?)

5 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not show people in the pub the plans for Domus Aurea, Nero’s palace to be built on the ruins. If you do, at best no one in the pub will understand what you have. At worst, one of the customers is a senator. (Looks like you are on the hook as the source of the fire, Forba. I think you ought to ask for a little traveling music and move on.)

4 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to put out the flames if there are thugs warning you not to do it. If you do, at best you might get a black eye. At worst, you might need to answer to Nero as to why you tried to stop the fire. (Not known for his largess, Nero may have you on the next train to Lionsville, Fortino.)

3 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not set up a smores stand. If you do, at best you’ll have a few customers. At worst, folks will take your cavalier attitude to heart. (Looks like a gang of residents heading this way have blood in their eye, Franko. Maybe its time to pack up.)

2 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wait to evacuate. If you do, at best you might have to run for your life. At worst, you might get cut off and have to take a leap into Tiber River. (Sad thing about that sundial, Frang. Shoulda checked to see if it was waterproof before making the leap.)

1 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not think your hotel still offers room service. If you do, at best you’ll be disappointed. At worst, you’ll wait too long for service and forget to check out when your room starts burning. (Don’t think the bill will be overlooked, Frans. They will find you no matter how far and no matter how long.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the 1849 California Gold Rush

September 3, 2018September 2, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

This edition continues the historical background on the Top Ten feature. I hope you like it.

10 If you are near the gold rush, do not sell everything to go mine gold. If you do, at best you will break even. At worst, you’ll find that you have blown your life savings chasing a dream. (Seems you could have found a better way to blow your money, Farquharson. You could try self-publishing.)

9 If you are near the gold rush, do not move that stake at the corner of Tiny the WWF champ’s claim. If you do, at best Tiny will let you put it back. At worst, Tiny figures you are jumping his claim. (No use even putting up a fight, Farrin. I would just lay there. Tiny is bound to lose interest sooner or later.)

8 If you are near the gold rush, do not hide your gold under the straw mattress on your cot. If you do, at best the lump will keep you awake. At worst, sadly that’s the first place a thief will look. (Well, now you need to start over, Farrs. With any luck, you get that gold dust back in another six months of panning.)

7 If you are near the gold rush, do not describe someone to his face as a sourdough. If you do, at best the person is too new to the file to know that a sourdough is someone from Canada who has come to California in search of Gold. At worst, the person might take exception to be labeled as a Canadian even if he is. (Might as well take it back, Farson. Looks like he is mighty angry.)

6 If you are near the gold rush, do not wear your 7 for All Mankind jeans to work. If you do, at best you will attract many stares. At worst, the Levi-Strauss salesperson might decide a gunfight is in order. (I guess you didn’t realize that Levi’s were the official jean of the gold rush huh, Favian. No worries, just buy a pair and all will be forgotten.)

5 If you are near the gold rush, do not announce any discoveries of gold. If you do, at best you’ll have more friends. At worst, the mob scene that will transpire is more than you can handle. (Your claim needs to be defended, Fedyenka. But do you really want to shoot someone?)

4 If you are near the gold rush, do not complain about the cost of food. If you do, at best you’ll be told to go elsewhere. At worst, the cook may decide that serving you requires more reimbursement and raises his prices again. (Funny, Felix but you are the only one paying more for everything.)

3 If you are near the gold rush, do not think you can set up a get rich quick wagon and tool rental business. If you do, at best all your tools will be rented out, and you’ll need to get more. At worst, none of the devices will be brought back, and the rentals do not cover the cost. (This was not how it was supposed to work, Fergus.)

2 If you are near the gold rush, do not drink whatever is in that bottle in the saloon. If you do, at best you won’t go blind. At worst, you might lose track of time and wake up three weeks from now broke and homeless. (Imagine if you’d had enough money to buy two bottles, Fiacre. You might not be with us right now.)

1 If you are near the gold rush, do not pan for gold. If you do, at best you won’t find any. At worst, you might pull a couple of specks out of the sand which will cause an extreme attack of gold fever. (Well that does it, Fidelis. You are hooked. See you in a couple of years when your money runs out.)

Top Ten Things Not To Do During the French Revolution

August 13, 2018August 12, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

The inspiration for this list was a suggestion by Maria KethuProfumo that perhaps I could do some historical Top Ten Things Not to Do. I asked Y’all if you would enjoy such a fantasy trip and the majority said, “Yes.” So here is the first edition. Thank you, Maria, and I hope you get some visits to your beautiful blog.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do During the French Revolution

10 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your best clothes while walking on the street. If you do, at best you will be suspected of being a monarch supporter. At worst, you will be arrested, tried, convicted, and face the guillotine. (You have to admit it, Frank. These folks have no patience with cleanliness or fine clothes. Get ready for a really close shave.)

9 If you were in France during the revolution, do not accept a ride on a two-wheel wagon driven by Tiny the Revolutionary champ who just got an award for loyalty. If you do, at best you sneak off before you reach the plaza. At worst, you have a difficult time trying to convince Tiny that you are not part of the monarchy and are now trussed up like a turkey. (Those wagons are for transporting prisoners to the guillotine, Felix. What were you thinking?)

8 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your “I Love Louis XVI” pin. If you do, at best most folks will think you are joking. At worst, a mob of villagers will ensure you are no longer a threat to the revolution. (What do all these people want, Fredrick. Why do they continue to yell “Off with his head?” This is not Wonderland.)

7 If you were in France during the revolution, do not take the tour of the Bastille even if you paid in advance. If you do, at best the tour will be quick, and you’ll be out before the storming. At worst, you will be mistaken for a defender of the Bastille by the storming crowds. (I would try to remember how to use that saber, Flynn. You are not going to convince that crowd that you are a tourist.)

6 If you were in France during the revolution, do not forget to wear your Liberté, égalité, fraternité T-shirt whenever you go outside. If you do forget, at best you’ll still look like a peasant. At worst, your judgemental air will get you into court. (There doesn’t seem to be a whole bunch of innocent until proven guilty thought around this place huh, Fabio. Next stop the ultimate haircut.)

5 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your “I’m With Robespierre,” shirt past the expiration date. If you do, at best you’ll be reminded that he is now thought of as a traitor. At worst, you and Robespierre will become fast friends before the blade falls. ( You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em, Federico. Don’t be a fool let Robespierre go first. Who knows a miracle could happen.”)

4 If you were in France during the revolution, do not tell folks that you really prefer cake. If you do, at best you might be looked upon as a fool. At worst, those you talk to might think you are a supporter of Marie Antoinette. ( you know exactly where this is going to lead don’t you, Finlay?)

3 If you were in France during the revolution, do not continue to joke about wanting a Napoleon for dessert. If you do, at best you might need a steak for that black eye. At worst, you might need a priest for that long walk to the guillotine. (When no one laughed the tenth time you might have gotten the hint, Finian.)

2 If you were in France during the revolution, do not continue to tell everyone how beautiful you think the Palace of Versailles is in the sunlight. If you do, at best they will be too busy to take you seriously. At worst, you and one hundred of your closest Versaille resident friends will be marched into Paris. (Another trial, Finian. This is getting tiring. The good news is this is tip the executioner free day at the guillotine.)

1 If you were in France during the revolution, do not assume the flag you are flying is that of the revolutionists. If you do, at best you picked right. At worst, your three gold fleur-de-lis on white background although beautiful will attract bullets. (Never believe a guy on the street who sold it to you, Fitz. Now you need to take cover.)

As a reminder, this is my last post until I recover from surgery.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Renaissance Faire

July 30, 2018July 29, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments

The inspiration for this list was a question by the producer. “Have you done a Top Ten on a Renaissance Faire?” The answer was, “No.” So here it is. (I know pretty simple inspiration, isn’t it?) If you read to the end, I have a question about an idea given me by a regular reader. I would appreciate your comments. No poll just comment if you feel like it.

10 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not raise your hand when the wizard asks for volunteers. If you do, at best you might get embarrassed. At worst, the trick will go horribly wrong, and you’ll be sporting some Hellboy horns. (I think it was that stray goat that gave a The Fly like result, Emest. Don’t worry, maybe the wizard can reverse the spell. Yeah, maybe.)

9 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not boo Tiny, the WWF champ, when he walks onto the jousting field. If you do, at best he will have lost you in the crowd. At worst, Tiny who has been attending court-ordered anger management classes will accidentally let go of his mace as he nears the spectator stand. (You can place money as to where that mace will land, Emmanuele. No, that umbrella won’t help at all.)

8 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept the invitation to put your head and wrists into the stocks. If you do, at best you’ll get a humorous photo. At worst, the guy running the stocks exhibit forgot the keys, and now you have an afternoon of ridicule. ( It will be fun he said. How much fun is it, Enar? Oh, that tomato wasn’t quite ripe was it?)

7 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think Three Card Monty is an easy way to pick up spending money. If you do, at best you may only lose a few dollars. At worst, you and the dealer will need to come to an equitable arrangement to cover that last bet. (I don’t think he will take a check, Engel.)

6 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept an invitation to attend the after hours cast party. If you do, at best you’ll need to leave early to take the babysitter home. At worst, you’ll be singing “Moma Told Me Not to Come” while trying to find the door out. (Whoever coined the term, “hangover,” Enyeto. How you feel is more like “lifeover.”)

5 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not join the music makers on stage if you are overserved. If you do, at best no one you know will see your performance. At worst, the videos were taken by the audience when you fell off the stage all went viral. (Hard to explain to your boss what you were thinking huh, Ephrem. He believes the head of HR should set a better example.)

4 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not throw your consumed turkey leg over your shoulder as a supposed imitation of Henry VIII. If you do, at best by chance it will hit a trash receptacle. At worst, you will catch someone’s grandma in the face with your trash. (That someone just happens to be the big guy wearing the barbarian outfit which is now holding you off your feet, Erikson. He’s not buying the accident story, and his club looks pretty substantial.)

3 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not dress in period armor. If you do, at best the day will be overcast. At worst, the temperature just hit a new record high. (Now you know what it is like to be in a sweatbox, Erroll. That authentic clasp on the back is just out of reach and everyone you ask to unhook it thinks you’re a perve.)

2 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not get carried away with the thought of quitting work and joining the cast. If you do, at best your audition will fail. At worst, you will be picked to play the blacksmith. (That hot furnace and pounding metal all day wasn’t what you had in mind, was it Eryk? Too bad you signed a seasonal agreement, and you only have six more months to serve. You found out too late that no one likes to play the blacksmith.)

1 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think you have to talk to everyone in Renaissance English. If you do, at best no one will understand you. At worst, a large cast member will think you are making fun of his speech. (Might be a good idea to find a flagon of mead right now, Eskander. Better yet two flagons. One to share with the guy holding your neck.)

I would appreciate a comment on the following:

A reader has suggested that I do a Top Ten Things Not to Do at select historical events. For example, The Top Ten Things Not to Do at Louis XIV’s coronation. Or Top Ten Things Not to Do While Crossing the Delaware with Washington. These would all be ridiculous things (as usual) on a historical backdrop. I would appreciate it if you could let me know what you think.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Heat Index is Above 110 degrees F (43.3 C)

July 23, 2018July 22, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

The inspiration for this list was yesterday’s high temperature and high humidity.

10 If the heat index is above 110, do not do your 10K run. If you do, at best, your water will run out at 5K. At worst, passersby will wonder what you are doing in the community fountain. (Look like the police wonder the same thing, Edan. I think your reason better be a little better than, “Trying to cool off,” since only a fool, crazy person, or a drunk would be running today.)

9 If the heat index is above 110, do not fail to say “excuse me,” if you accidentally bump into Tiny the WWF Wrestling champ. If you do, at best Tiny will be too hot to care. At worst, Tiny who just walked out of his affiliation addiction support group will honestly believe you hit him on purpose. (Coupled with the heat and Tiny’s need to be liked I think you are headed for a harrowing afternoon, Edwald. Running will only make him madder.)

8 If the heat index is above 110, do not get out that lawnmower. If you do, at best there will be no gas. At worst, you will get halfway finished before the case of heat stroke hits you. (The sad part is in addition to the hospital stay you are in violation of your home owner’s association rules on lawn care. You better have someone finish the lawn, Efraim before Mrs. Jones spots that half done lawn cut.)

7 If the heat index is above 110, do not go tenting as planned. If you do, at best you won’t need a fire to heat your coffee water. At worst, sometime during the night, the local bear family gets the idea you are a specially prepared dish called a naked ape roasted in canvas. (Yeah, there is no way you are going to talk them out of a meal, Eisa. Might as well give up that sirloin you were going to have tomorrow and count yourself lucky at that.)

6 If the heat index is above 110, do not think you will make it home with that gallon of ice cream. If you do, at best you should take a spoon. At worst, you’ll arrive home with a leaking container of melted ice cream which will leave a trail across the new carpet as you head for the kitchen. (I think you might just continue out the back door, Elazar. Pretty hard to explain the new chocolate on the white wool decorating scheme. As you leave, I would do a serpentine maneuver. Harder for a shooter to hit.)

5 If the heat index is above 110, do not think being on a body of water is going to cool you. If you do, at best the boat has a canopy so you won’t die. At worst, you will remember the poem The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner as you whisper through parched lips, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” (Time to get on the radio and call for help, Elfred. Of course, you will be lucky if anyone will answer a crazy man.)

4 If the heat index is above 110, do not escape the heat in the corner bar. If you do, at best the bartender will allow you to stay while sipping one drink. At worst, you will think you have to keep consuming drinks while sitting on the bar stool. (Now that you have beaten the heat, tell us how you are going to get home, Elija. You certainly can’t drive and walking is impossible as well. Maybe if you could talk you could ask for a cab.)

3 If the heat index is above 110, do not go ahead with that cookout. If you do, at best your guests will all cancel. At worst, they all show up and take on available liquid at an unprecedented rate. (Too bad all you are offering is your famous trash can punch, Elkhanah. It seems that no one is still standing as you serve your equally renowned ribs. Good thing you have lots of floor space.)

2. If the heat index is above 110, do not ignore the power company warnings about conserving electricity consumption. If you do, at best everyone else does, and you have no loss of power. At worst, your electricity shuts down, and you are now faced with a night of sleeping in a house with a heat index of 120. (Why is it when the electricity goes off it gets hotter, Elmo? Must be a law of some kind.)

1 If the heat index is above 110, do not forget your children and pets need extra care. If you do, at best you’ll be lucky, and they will be fine. We don’t want to think of the worst case. (Just keep them cool, Elwin. And for heaven’s sake don’t leave anyone in the car, A/C or not.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Sitter

July 16, 2018July 16, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

The inspiration for this list was a discussion about Alexa and what would happen if one asked Alexa remotely to turn on the lights and music while a sitter was in the house. That was just the priming of the pump I needed to develop Ten Things.

10 If you have a sitter, do not say, “Help yourself to anything in the fridge.” If you do, at best the sitter will be on a diet. At worst, that weeks worth of shopping that you just put in the fridge will need to be replaced tomorrow. (It is amazing how someone so small can put away that kind of food huh, Eaton?)

9 If you have a sitter, do not ask Alexa to turn on the lights and music from a remote location. If you do, at best the sitter will call the police. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who was hired after the local minister said he needed a chance to be responsible, will knock out each wall with a lamp trying to protect the kids. (Well the joke is on you, Ed. Looks like your good deed did not go unpunished.)

8 If you have a sitter, do not let them invite their friends over. If you do, at best the police will be called early. At worst, you will be reading how the party that started at your house spread to a city-wide night of rampage. ( That bill for repairs looks like the national debt, Eddy.)

7 If you have a sitter, do not let them prepare dinner. If you do, at best 100% of your dishes will find their way to the sink. At worst, the fire department could not find a hydrant that worked and could only watch as your house became a vacant lot. (Lucky for you there is insurance. Oh, wait! Someone forgot to send in the premium, and the cancellation notice is in the former mailbox, Elton.)

6 If you have a sitter, do not let them use your computer. If you do, at best your data cap was reached in two hours, and now you have dial-up speed for the rest of the month. At worst, your computer picked up so many viri the tech at the computer store declared it a DOA. ( It is a shame that you never backed up that 100,000-word novel, Evander.)

5 If you have a sitter, do not let them choose a movie on pay-tv. If you do, at best they will fall asleep after only one selection. At worst, you receive your bill and note that the sitter selected twenty movies and only watched six minutes of each. (Well, Ever. The charges stick after five minutes. You never said, “Just pick one.”)

4 If you have a sitter, do not leave the liquor cabinet unlocked. If you do, at best your sitter is a teetotaler. At worst, unbeknownst to you, your sitter was just released from a twelve-step residency program. The array of bottles was just too much. (Well this is a fine mess. Not only is all your liquor gone but the sitter insists that you need to pay for another stay in the clinic. After all, Elwood. You were the one who left that temptation.)

3 If you have a sitter, do not leave your checkbook on the kitchen counter. If you, at best the pizza box will cover it. At worst, on the next statement, you’ll find that the sitter has given a self-issued generous tip. (Don’t try to find the sitter, Eadward. Russia has no extradition treaty with the US.)

2 If you have a sitter, do not tell your friends who it is. If you do, at best the sitter availability will be rare. At worst, you will be in a bidding war for the sitting service and will only quit when the sitter earns more than you. (You would like to make that kind of money wouldn’t you, Eamon?)

1 If you have a sitter, do not let your kids influence your choice. If you do, at best none of your rules will be followed. At worst, before you know it you have an additional member of the family, and now you have to get a new sitter. (At least all the kids get along, Eberhard.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Making a Top Ten Things Not to Do List

June 25, 2018June 24, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 47 Comments

10 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not search the internet for top ten ideas. If you do, at best your creativity will be stilted. At worst you’ll start duplicating others work without knowing it. (Looks like that plagiarism charge is going to stick, Elder. There goes the old writing career.)

9 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to preview the ridiculous stuff you wrote about him. If you do, at best Tiny left his reading glasses at home. At worst, Tiny just left his self-esteem support group and is now taking everything you wrote literally. (I wouldn’t worry about getting your shredded paper back, Elia. I think I would begin to make book for the door.)

8 If you are making a top the things not to do list, do not check with a loved one to see if it is funny. If you do, at best you’ll be disappointed with the response. At worst, you’ll get a reminder about how beautiful it would be if you had a real job. (You can’t expect everyone to like your stuff, Ellery. Keep looking maybe you’ll find one person who does.)

7 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not stare at people who will eventually end up being on the list. If you do, at best one may ask you, “Are you looking at me?” At worst, you might be taken for a stalker and have to explain yourself. (As you can see the police have no interest in your list making career, Elson. They just want you to come quietly.)

6 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not make the subject so obscure no one will get it. If you do, at best your readership may drop. At worst, you will be explaining your meaning for the next ten years. (So why do you suppose nobody got the Top Ten things not to do in a Barnyard, Emery? I thought it was fascinating.)

5 If you are making a Top ten things not to do list, do not make a list so familiar that everyone will think you did these things. If you do, at best you’ll look like a fool. At worst, the FBI opens a file about you, and you get this strange feeling you are being followed. (Don’t look now, Emilin but there is a black SUV at the end of your block.)

4 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not think the subjects will come to you if you drink more. If you do, at best you can run one you published before. At worst, you will actually hit publish without waiting until the morning after to proofread the work. ( You know those seven words George Carlin said can’t be used on the radio? Well, Emrys you used each one in your post. They aren’t allowed there either.)

3 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not think you have to be practical. If you do, at best your work will be as dry as unbuttered rye toast. At worst, you’ll get mail from folks more practical than you telling you how your list is impractical. ( just shows to go ya, Endymion, you can’t please all the people all the time. Gotta stick with fiction.)

2 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not stop until you have ten things. If you do, at best you’ll look like you had a bad night. At worst, folks will be looking for the tenth item and will assume you are holding out on them. (Okay so it is not such a big deal, Enrico but some of your regulars are talking boycott. Who advertises ten and then publishes only nine? Crazy people that’s who.)

1 If you are making a top ten things not to do list, do not think you will be discovered some day. If you do, at best you’ll still work in the dark. At worst, you will create a false expectation that your lists are the key to fame. ( Looks like another day has passed without that million seller, Ericson. Looks like you need to make another list.)