Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Gifts Not to Give on Valentine’s Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Ten things not to do on Valentines Day

 

The inspiration for this list was an inquiry on Google asking for the top ten gifts given on Valentine’s day. There are lovely things passed from one to the other on the Hallmark occasion. There are also some significant landmines waiting for the unsuspecting or clueless gift giver. Here are just ten.

 

10 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a message ball foot massager. If you do at best, your concern for the treatment of Plantar Fasciitis will be noticed. At worst, the hard rubber ball can double as a weapon in the wrong hands. (I think the concern for health now turns to you, Dalziel. That lump looks pretty bad. Follow this pen with your eyes.)

9 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a thumbs up cell phone holder. If you do, at best the question will come up, “How many times do I need to set my cell phone down?” At worst, the recipient has discovered an alternate use of the cell phone holder. (So now you have a unique hat to wear to work, Danaus. How are you going to explain it to your co-workers since it doesn’t look like it will come off anytime soon?)

8 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love sexy erotic lingerie with no back and three strings. If you do, at best you will have to field the question, “am I not sexy?” At worst, your love will decide to make an example and post a selfie with the question, “Would you wear this to bed or to a porn shoot?” (The photo went viral, and the consensus is for the porn shoot, Danell. Oh, and your boss wants to see you in her office, now.)

7 On Valentine’s day, do not give your love compression socks. If you do, at best they’ll be returned. At worst, you will not have an answer to the question raised in court, “and what message were you trying to convey with this pair of compression socks given on Valentine’s Day?” ( The judge is making notes, Danton. This does not look good for your side.)

6 On Valentine’s Day, do not give a Happy Bluetooth Beanie cap with built-in earphones. If you do, at best the temperature will stay at minus 10 degrees for a year. At worst, your attempt to provide a cozy way to listen to tunes will be viewed much like a blender. (You know the blender that you gave last year which is still in the box in the garage, Daphnis?)

5 On Valentine’s Day, do not give a plastic infuser water bottle. If you do, at best your love will have always wanted one. At worst, your love will go online and see you spent a whole $2.50 for this model. (Sure it’s the idea and not the cost that counts, Dardanus. This time though you struck out on both.)

4 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a fitness tracker. If you do, at best there will be a question about motive. At worst, the subject of fat will inevitably come up and as you know from other experiences around this word it will not end well for you. (Do not speak, Darick. You will only incriminate yourself no matter what you say.)

3 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a motion sensor toilet nightlight. If you do, at best your love will be gracious, and you’ll never see the contraption again. At worst, you will have reopened the great argument on toilet behavior that has been raging for years. (Trying to explain a nightlight for someone who never gets up at night is a losing proposition, Darrel. Might as well try to sell it as an improvement device for you.)

2 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a personal pepper spray defense weapon. If you do at best, it will be viewed as concern for safety. At worst, you’ll be in a position of giving something useful much like rubber gloves for washing dishes. (Okay so you talked fast and only got sprayed once as a test, Daryn, I would think this through next year.)

1 On Valentine’s Day, do not give your love a sign for the dishwasher that indicates clean vs. dirty. If you do, at best your new assignment will be the dishwasher. At worst, the sign could be used to show other items in the house needing your attention. (So here it is on the bedroom door, Davidson. You found out what it meant on the laundry hamper, but this is a mystery.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have a Winning Mega Millions Ticket

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this post is the fact that this week there were single winning tickets sold for the Mega Millions and Powerball Lotto games. You and I don’t have to worry about how to handle these winnings so I guess this post is dedicated to those two winners of over $400 million each.

10 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not tweet “Yay I just won $400 million. If you do at best, you’ll only have ten followers. At worst, your tweet will go viral, and you will now have a million close and personal friends. (Looks like everyone needs a loan  huh, Carmichael?)

9 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not hire Tiny the WWF champ as a bodyguard. If you do, at best you’ll have to hire another to watch Tiny. At worst, Tiny will not be able to resist helping himself to your winnings even though he is a graduate of an intensive self-help course for kleptomaniacs. (You should have known when he showed up at your door offering his services, Carswell.)

8 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not give a press conference on national TV. If you do, at best it will take you hours to get home because of the traffic jam around your house. At worst, you will be asked for money everyplace you go since you are now well-known. (Who’s bright idea was that conference, Casimero? Oh yeah the lotto company.)

7 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not answer your phone. If you do, at best it might be your aunt, Mary. At worst, it will be your cousin Vinny reminding you of the five dollar bet you had back in high school. (Vinny believes that the interest on the bet now makes it worth $500,000. Told you not to answer the phone, Cassian.)

6 If you have a winning Mega Millions ticket, do not claim your prize without consulting a tax attorney.  If you do, at best you can afford the tax hit. At worst, the new tax laws will put you in a bracket called the 110 percent bracket. (Good luck in raising the extra $4o million you owe, Caster.)

5 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not go out and buy everything on the planet. If you do, at best you’ll come to your senses while there is still money left. At worst, you’ll realize too late that there is no return guarantee on yachts, planes, castles, jewelry, and art. (Now that you have all this stuff, Cavan maybe it is time for a garage sale.)

4 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not let the ticket out of your sight. If you do, at best it will still be where you left it last. At worst, the ticket will ride in your shirt pocket through the wash. (Those tickets sure come out clean don’t they, Chadburn? You would hardly know it used to be worth $400 million.)

3 If you have a winning Mega Million ticket, do not quit work. If you do, at best the ticket is genuine. At worst, though some computer error your ticket is not the winner. (So much for telling the boss where he could shove your job, huh Chiko?)

2 If you have the winning Mega Millions ticket, do not forget to look both ways before crossing the street. If you do, at best the traffic will be light. At worst, your heirs will be enjoying the fruit of your lotto win. (Hard to tell where that truck came from right, Cal?)

1 If you have the winning Mega Millions ticket, do not fail to set aside some for charity. If you do at best, you’ll be labeled a cheap skate. At worst, you won’t get a charitable deduction, and the world will be no better off having you in it. (You wonder why dogs growl and cats hiss when you come by, Scrooge?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Wrapping Presents

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

Gift wrapping no nos

 

I always enjoy wrapping presents. I pretty much avoid the “store gift wrap” in favor of the messes I create. I think putting oneself into the process is a way you can show the recipients of the gift that you really care. The inspiration for this post is every year of doing my own. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are gift wrapping, don’t think it’s the thought that counts. If you do, at best your wrapping will look like you didn’t think at all. At worst, your package will be mistaken for trash and never opened in the first place. (No wonder you didn’t get a thank you, Cassidy.)

9 If you are gift wrapping, do not try to use a fake box with Tiny the WWF champ who just enrolled in a court-ordered intensive course on how to handle disappointment. If you do at best, you won’t be in the room when Tiny opens the Tiffany box to find a screwdriver. At worst, although Tiny will do his best to control himself it may be more than one can expect. (You have been thinking of removing that dining room wall anyway right, Crane?)

8 If you are gift wrapping, do not use seasonally inappropriate paper. If you do, at best others will think you mentally unstable. At worst, friends and family will gather and determine what to do with you now that you have lost track of time. (Okay so you wanted to save a few bucks on paper, but Easter wrap was not the way to go, Clive.)

7 If you are gift wrapping, do not forget the nametags. If you do, at best you’ll remember each gift and who it goes to just by the wrapping. At worst, Uncle Phil will wonder what you are trying to say with the Lady Schick electric razor gift. (You thought for sure that red box was a bottle of bourbon, Cal. I wonder what aunt Helen thinks of it.)

6 If you are gift wrapping, do not forget to measure twice before cutting once. If you do, at best there is a smaller box that can be wrapped with your mistakes. At worst, you have another trip to the wrapping store to get additional supplies. (Too bad they are all out of Christmas wrap huh, Cameron? They have plenty of Easter wrap though.)

5 If you are gift wrapping, do not use the same paper for all the gifts. If you do, someone will recognize it as last year’s $0.99 Target sale item. At worst, your display under the tree will look like the packages were done by Mrs. Jones first grade class. (Why is everyone asking if these gifts are meant for a Toys for Tots donation, Carling?)

4 If you are gift wrapping, do not throw away the return receipts. If you do, at best all your gifts will be perfect. At worst, those gifts that were a little off the mark will show up next year. (You could have sworn you gave this scarf to your cousin last year huh, Carmichael?)

3 If you are gift wrapping, do not think more scotch tape will solve sloppy wrapping. If you do, at best your recipients will have a scissor handy to cut through. At worst, you’ll get calls about paper cuts and tape in kid’s hair. (Maybe taking more time would have been a good idea, Carver.)

2 If you are gift wrapping, do not try to create what you are not qualified to design. If you do, at best yours will be the last one opened. At worst, your package will end up looking like a bizarre thing that should be soaked in water before being disarmed. (Gotta wonder why your brother-in-law called the bomb squad. That grenade on top was a dummy right, Caster?)

1 If you are gift wrapping, do not think a bunch of sparkling confetti in the box will be well received. If you do, at best the recipient will be kind and not shoot you. At worst, the gift will be opened on the new white living room carpet. (You just know that stuff will be there until next year don’t you, Chadwick?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Decorating the House for the Holidays

~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

The inspiration for this list came naturally from having decorated a number of houses over the years. I guess I could be guilty of some of these, but not all. I hope you enjoy.

10 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not ignore the number of lights on a continuous string instruction on the lights. If you do, at best you will trip a circuit breaker. At worst, you may take down the Eastern seaboard grid. (Who’s going to pay that bill, Caelan? Don’t forget the lawsuits that range anywhere from unwanted pregnancy to being trapped in an elevator.)

9 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not hire unlicensed contractors especially if they are named Tiny the WWF champ who just got out of confined anger management care. If you do, at best you may get off with a broken window or two. At worst, you may find your lights wadded in a ball in your neighbors living room. (How were you to know your neighbor would yell at Tiny and tell him to turn down the rap music, Cane? Also, how would you know Tiny would jump through your neighbor’s roof and take out a floor and ceiling on his way to the living room. The big question to be answered now is where is Tiny and your neighbor?)

8 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use the twenty-four-foot ladder to reach the peak of the roof. If you do, at best you’ll be stopped by someone who loves you. At worst, you’ll plant that corner star just before your free fall to eternity. (Man. that was a mammoth first step down, wasn’t it Calder?)

7 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think all garland is alike. If you do, at best you’ll have a mismatched mess. At worst, just as you finish with the final strand and just before frostbite sets in you will be told to change it. (You had the courage to go up on that ladder once huh, Caly? How about now?)

6 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think you must out decorate your neighbor. If you do, at best you’ll end up spending too much money. At worst your neighbor increased his light and display capability last year when all the decorations were seventy percent off. (He has way too much stuff for you to finish on top, Carlton. You may take a lesson and wait for the sale and catch him next year.”

5 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think everyone in the neighborhood likes all green lights. If you do, at best there will be no comments. At worst, you will find a picture of your house on Facebook with the caption, “The most non-original decoration on the planet.” (Kinda hurts your feelings doesn’t it, Cartland? Green is your favorite color.)

4 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to fasten the decorations well. If you do, at best there will be no wind. At worst, your decorations will be at the mercy of the nighttime winter winds. (It is no problem collecting your lights from the next door neighbor, right Chadwick?)

3 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to double-check the timer. If you do at best, the lights will come on too early. At worst, the lights will come on at the right time but burn throughout the night (What would be even worse is they come on at six am and go off at six pm, Chas.)

2 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use blow-up lawn decorations. If you do, at best they look like piles of plastic during the day. At worse the blow up machine could get a short and your blow-up decoration looks like an entry in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. (Whoever thought Rudolf could get that big just before he exploded, Clemens?)

1 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not have Holiday music on an outdoor speaker. If you do, at best your neighbors will complain. At worst, you unknowingly violated the town noise ordinance. (Not a good idea to tell the SWAT team to get off your property, Cleveland. Too bad about that new storm door.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Thanksgiving

~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

Thanksgiving

The inspiration for this list is the fact that this week is Thanksgiving here in the US. There have been a number of Thanksgiving situations which I personally witnessed, and I thought it would be fun to capture them and provide ample warning for your occasion this year. If you have ever done any of these things, it might be a nice change to sit back and let others have center stage this year.

10 On Thanksgiving, do not try to prepare the perfect Turkey. If you do, at best you’ll have reason to dry. At worst, not only is this year’s turkey not perfect, it is the worst one ever. (Nothing like eating what resembles dry balsa wood huh, Chandler?)

9 On Thanksgiving, do not invite your cousin Tiny the WWF wrestling champ to your house for dinner. If you do, at best you’ll possibly get by with only a broken dining room chair. At worst, Tiny and your uncle Jim will continue the feud begun last year’s Thanksgiving dinner. (Who is going to clean up what looks like a movie bar fight scene in your living room, Cohen? Not to mention reviving Aunt Helen.)

8 On Thanksgiving, do not try out that experimental stuffing recipe on the family. If you do, at best you’ll have plenty left over. At worst, the family will feel cheated out of a traditional dinner. (Who started the food fight is not a question that needs an answer right now, Canyon. It is probably more important to get that stuff off the walls before it hardens.)

7 On Thanksgiving, do not think you can deep-fry your Turkey in the kitchen. If you do, at best your place will smell like an oil derrick for a month. At worst, the fire department will declare what’s left of your house and lot a hazardous waste site.(Who is going to cover the EPA bill for clean-up, Channing?)

6 On Thanksgiving, do not think it is a good idea to start serving mimosas at eleven o’clock. If you do, at best you’ll run out of Champaign before everyone is blitzed. At worse all your guests have lost interest in the dinner and are out in the yard trying to work off the Champaign with touch football. (Don’t worry, Cortez. Sooner or later they will be back for the leftovers.)

5 On Thanksgiving, do not try some unnatural seating configuration thinking it will liven the conversation. If you do, at best you won’t seat sworn enemies next to each other. At worst, since you now have strangers all having to talk to strangers the sound of crickets is deafening.(That magazine suggestion doesn’t seem all that good right now does it, Cord?)

4 On Thanksgiving, do not think everyone in the world would enjoy a tofu turkey. If you do, at best the polite ones will give it a try. At worst, you will wonder why all your guests are on the phone ordering Dominoes delivery. (The fact that you were looking out for everyone’s health doesn’t seem worthwhile now, Cable.)

3 On Thanksgiving, do not think because you hate pumpkin pie, everyone else does as well. If you do, at best your banana creme will be well received. At worst, the traditionalists will find an excuse to leave early so they can pick up a frozen Mrs. Smith’s pumpkin pie. (Hare to believe you only have one guest remaining isn’t it, Cacey?)

2 On Thanksgiving, do not think sharing leftovers is not expected. If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks as people leave. At worst, your loudest relative will ask out loud, What? No leftovers to take home? (Maybe you should have put together some to go containers, Cadell. Well there is always next year if any return.)

1 On Thanksgiving, do not think you can turn off the football game. If you do, at best you’ll have some complaints. At worst, you will discover most of the guests in your bedroom watching the game anyway. (It is shocking that people want to watch a game even if it is the two worst teams playing. Right, Cadell?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Halloween Costume.

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

Ten things not to do in your Halloween costume

 

The inspiration for this list was seeing a guy out in public in a Halloween costume. It struck me that he was unaware of the stares and reaction of those around him. Hope you enjoy.

10 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go into the bank to make a withdrawal. If you do, at best some will stare. At worst the teller will not look at your withdrawal slip but assume you are holding up the bank. (That zombie makeup had her rattled, Donald. Too bad the SWAT team had no sense of humor.)

9 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you have the same powers as the superhero you are dressed to be. If you do, at best you’ll hurt yourself. At worst you will think you can take on Tiny the WWF champ who is in step two of his anger management treatment. (Look like that cape is not going to save you, Dorian. I would just go limp, and maybe Tiny will think you are dead.)

8 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go shopping at the grocery store. If you do, at best you will have the aisles to yourself. At worst, the store manager will insist that you leave since most of his employees have locked themselves in the lounge and refused to come out. (It could be that the hatchet embedded in your skull looks too real, Dex.)

7 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the fast food drive-through. If you do, at best you may be wearing a chocolate milkshake. At worst, the panicked employee will call 911 and drop your food outside the window. (The police are understanding, but you still have no food, Dante.)

6 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you can attend the Saturday night church service. If you do, at best you’ll have a pew all to yourself. At worst, the minister will continually point in your direction when he comes to the phrase, “Devil worship.” ( You didn’t realize Halloween is not a big thing in your church huh, Dacey?)

5 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not keep your doctor’s appointment. If you do, at best you will empty the waiting room. At worst, your doctor will assume you have had a massive mental breakdown and will call the county home for a pickup. (The clown  makeup and white straight jacket is quite a look, Dagwood.)

4 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not drive on the freeway. If you do, at best you’ll get some weird looks. At worst you will shock the fragile person in the vehicle next to you, and they will turn into your car as a defensive move. (The cop insists it’s your fault for scaring the wimp next to you, Dalbert.)

3 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go next door to borrow a cup of sugar. If you do, at best you won’t get the sugar. At worst, your NRA member next door neighbor will not recognize you and will only quit shooting when you dive into your house. (What would have happened if your neighbor was a good shot, Damek?)

2 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best you’ll get home without incident. At worst, you’ll be pulled over and after all is said and done, lying on the street with your hands cuffed behind your back. (Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to dress as Pretty Boy Floyd after all. Although you have to admit that Tommy gun sure looked real, Dareau.)

1 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the TSA security screen at the airport. If you do, at best you will be denied boarding. At worst, the private search that turned up the sword, flintlock pistols, and the grog will be enough to charge you with terrorism. (The pirate idea sounded good at home, Dartagnan. In the airport? Not so much.)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Contractor

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to D0

 

The inspiration for this list has been a number of discussions held with contractors lately. Hope you like it.

10 Do not say to a contractor, “I’m in no rush.” If you do, at best the job will take longer than you could conceive. At worst, you’ll be on the bottom of the list of clients and your job might get done before you retire. (The fact that you are only forty is not comforting, Desmond.)

9 Do not say to a contractor, “I want your best price.” If you do, at best the bid will only be ten percent more than it would have been. At worst, your bid will come out somewhere North of what you expected to pay to rebuild the house let alone do repairs. (Hang on to that defibrillator, Dalton. You may need it when the actual bill is presented given all the change orders.)

8 Do not say to a contractor, “I have another bid to compare with yours.” If you do, at best you will actually get his bid. At worst, you will wait for a bid that will never come since the contractor figured you would take the other one anyway. (That strategy didn’t work well did it, Darren?)

7 Do not say to a contractor, “I really don’t know what I want.” If you do at best, it will cost plenty to find out. At worst, you may spend a lot of money and finally know what you don’t want. (That is sure an ugly addition don’t you think, Dustin?)

6 Do not say to a contractor, “Do what you think is best.” If you do, at best what is best for the contractor is best for you. At worst, what is best for the contractor is to send his child to college on the proceeds from your job. (Should have asked more questions, Davis.)

5 Do not say to a contractor, “I don’t mind a little dust.” If you do, at best your vacuum will keep up. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the ER with advanced symptoms of asthma. (You should have known when all the workers were wearing respirators, Deacon.)

4 Do not say to a contractor, “We get up early.” If you do, at best early is eight o’clock to the contractor. At worst, first light will bring you the wake-up sound of a skill saw in the next room. (Establishing the work hours might have been wise, Dwayne.)

3 Do not say to a contractor, “We can do without water for as long as it takes to fix.” If you do, at best the fix will be quick. At worst, the water will be shut off on Friday at three in the afternoon and the job is finished that next Monday at nine o’clock AM. (A nice long weekend without water for a three-hour repair is not a bad trade-off, right Darrell?)

2 Do not say to a contractor, “Help yourself to soft drinks and water.” If you do, at best there will be use only when needed. At worst, you didn’t realize that the contractor’s city-wide crew numbered thirty and you were out of liquid by noon. (Should have set a limit huh, Devan?)

1 Do not say to a contractor, “Sure you can come back later and finish that little job.” If you do, at best you’ve held back some money and it does get done. At worst, you paid the whole bill and it has been three months without a return phone call. (Good luck with that little job. Maybe you can hire another contractor to do it, Duane.”

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Are Bored

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list was a daydreaming session where I wondered what it would be like to be bored and then what it would be like to make some bad choices as a result of being bored. I hope you like it.

10 If you are bored, do not attend a city council meeting. If you do at best, you’ll get a needed nap. At worst, you will attempt to liven things up with an outrageous proposal. ( You didn’t think the idea of a five-year-old taking over the mayor’s job would gain traction did you, Dylan? You make being the laughing-stock look like a legitimate profession.)

9 If you are bored, do not go to the grocery store. If you do, at best you will hope the paper goods section has been moved only to find it hasn’t. At worst, you will fill your cart and then jump into the ten items or less line being manned by Tiny the WWF champ. Tiny was just told by the manager he is too soft when it comes to demanding compliance with the ten or under rule. (You did hold your own for a while there, Drake.)

8 If you are bored, do not go to the park to watch a chess match. If you do, at best one of the players will move a piece. At worst, you will have the luck of observing two well-matched players for what turns into a ten-hour match. (Not sure what you were expecting, Douglass but this is not a contact sport.)

7 If you are bored, do not turn on reruns of the 90’s show “Cop Rock.” If you do, at best you’ll fall into a deep sleep. At worst, about mid-episode, you will suddenly realize watching paint dry is better than this. ( Thinking that you like music and cop shows, you thought this would be a winner right, Dean?)

6 If you are bored, do not take up a hobby that has been identified as most boring. If you do, at best you’ll snap out of it. At worst, your family will set up an intervention to stop your traffic cone collection activities. (Just because the living room is filled with traffic cones you didn’t see the hospitalization coming did you, Dexter?)

5 If you are bored, do not take up a hobby like bungee jumping. If you do, at best you’ll chicken out before the first jump. At worst, you’ll make a jump and then have to buy numerous copies of the video where you are screaming like a baby.(Oops. You missed the one that went viral on YouTube, Duke.)

4 If you are bored, do not go to Las Vegas for some excitement. If you do, at best your first thousand dollar loss will cure you. At worst, just for kicks, you put your life savings on the black spot at the roulette wheel. (Retirement is now put off until you are eighty-two, Drew?) Editor’s note –  Unfortunate alliteration.

3 If you are bored, do not plan to visit North Dakota. If you do, at best you’ll go in the summer. At worst, you’ll be caught in the snow and can look forward to playing solitaire until May. (Hopefully, you’ll have a deck of fifty-two, Dalton.)

2 If you are bored, do not organize something. If you do, at best it will be a half-hearted effort. At worst, you will get so wrapped up in the organization that you’ll take on signs of a classic OCD attack. (Just put that paper anywhere, Darren. You’ll never look at it again anyway.)

1 If you are bored, do not look up a list of what to do if you are bored. If you do, at best the list may be extensive. At worst you might do one of the items like “download the Bitmoji app. Make your personalized emoji, and then send all your friends fun cartoon texts.”* (Wonder where your friends went, Dane?)

*From 96 Things to Do When You’re Bored by Katie Sweeney. An excellent list of things to do.

Top Ten Things Not to Say as an Excuse

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments

Excuses

 

The inspiration for this list has been my exposure to a number of excuses as to why things have not been fixed. Even worse were the excuses for not showing up.

 

10 If you need an excuse for not showing up, do not say “I got too busy.” If you do at best you won’t be invited back. At worst, you will have convinced your customer that they are last in your priority scheme. (Sooner or later you will run out of customers, Bardot.)

9 If you need an excuse for missing a birthday, Do not say, “You never age in my eyes.” If you do, at best your birthday will be payback. At worst, you’ll have a long time until forgiveness. (How’s that dog house in the winter, Bastian?)

8 If you need an excuse for being late for work, do not say, “Traffic was heavy today.” If you do, at best the boss will wonder why your co-works all made it on time. At worst, you’ll open yourself to the suggestion that you car pool with Tiny the WWF champ who like to eat garlic sandwiches for breakfast. (That gas mask just doesn’t help does it, Bennet?)

7 If you need an excuse for not buying Girl Scout cookies, do not say,” I just bought some at work.” If you do and have not, at best you’ll be found out. At worst, the scout you turned down will miss her quota by one box and will be shamed into a life of crime. (Okay maybe a little dramatic, Bertie but think of the hurt feelings.)

6 If you need an excuse for avoiding inviting the boss for dinner, do not say, “We have black mold at our house.” If you do, at best you’ll be eating your lunch alone. At worst, your boss will insist on a decontamination procedure that will leave you hairless. (Don’t worry Brandon, most of the hair will grow back over time. Sorry about that patch up front.)

5 If you need an excuse  for a dented rental car, do not say, “I have no idea how that got there.” If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, your insurance company will add an increment to your premium reflecting stupidity. (Should have just admitted someone hit the car huh, Brock?)

4 If you need an excuse when caught re-gifting to the person who gifted you in the first place, do not say, “I loved this and you so much I wanted you to have it back.” If you do, at best your pants will catch on fire. At worst, your ex friend will most likely throw the item at you. (You are glad it wasn’t that bar bell set you were going to palm off on him, right Bartlett?)

3 If you need an excuse when pulled over by the police for speeding, do not say, “I’ll bet you want to remind me about the policeman’s ball.” If you do, at best the officer won’t hear you. At worst, your words could be understood as offering a bribe. (Those cuffs behind the back are uncomfortable aren’t they, Barty?)

2 If you need an excuse for coming home at two o’clock in the morning smelling like a brewery do not say, “I was working late.” If you do, at best all conversation will stop until the morning. At worst, the morning conversation will be accompanied by the headache and upset stomach commonly associated with a hangover. (Why didn’t you just admit you partied too much, Buford?)

1 If you need an excuse for avoiding a visit to the in-laws do not say, “I have to work.” If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, since it is Sunday you’ll be caught in a fib which will take on increasingly larger proportions as the day gets longer. (How will you ever work out of this one, Belvin?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tailgating at a Football Game.

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Tailgating

The inspiration for this list is the return of the American football season. The college schedule is in full swing and here are a few things to avoid this year.

10 If you are tailgating, do not set out an overstuffed couch. If you do, at best folks will think you are so seventies. At worst, someone may get confused and believe that they are in Morgantown West Virginia and set fire to it. (You thought it was going to be a statement of elegance didn’t you, Baltizar?)

9 If you are tailgating, do not think a candelabra belongs in a stadium parking lot. If you do, at best your fellow tailgaters will take you for an effete intellectual snob. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who has been mourning the passing of Liberace will believe you mean for him to join your party. (A sad, drunk Tiny is not a pretty picture is it, Barnaby?)

8 If you are tailgating, do not set up a beer pong table. If you do, at best you might attract the wrong crowd. At worst, that young person who has been playing so well is carded by the police. (Nice to know you are now charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor huh, Barrington?)

7 If you are tailgating, do not think yours is going to be the best grill in the lot. If you do, at best the one next door is better. At worst, your grill does not even rank in the top one hundred. (CNN wants to interview you for a feature named “The Biggest Grill Losers.” Time to pack up, Beauregard)

6 If you are tailgating, do not think your propane tank is full without checking. If you do, at best you give new meaning to medium rare. At worst, no one in the lot will be willing to loan you their propane tank. (Everyone you ask gives you that “Get away from me look right, Bennet?)

5 If you are tailgating, do not forget your portable satellite antenna. If you do, at best you’ll have to attend the game. At worst, you may get caught trying to tap into the antenna cable next door. (You thought it would be a quick splice and done. How’s that black eye feeling, Bixby?)

4 If you are tailgating, do not run out of your favorite beverage. If you do, at best you’ll have water. At worst, trying to borrow a cup of beer from your neighbors will be met with scorn. (Who knew everyone would turn their back on you, Bronson?)

3 If you are tailgating, do not forget to wear your team colors. If you do, at best everyone will assume you are a guest. At worst, those around you who are in favor of one team will think you are in favor of the other. (No use trying to explain that you love their team, Byron.)

2 If you are tailgating, do not serve petits-fours to your guests. At best they will claim to be full. At worst, you see them at another tailgate gorging themselves on chili and polish sausage. (You have to remember where you are, Baldwin.)

1 If you are tailgating, do not over serve yourself. If you do, at best you can über home. At worst, you’ll have to ask your partner to drive home. (How many lectures will it take so you never do that again, Barnabas?)