I did a post last week on Fiction Favorites titled Dialog is as Dialog Does where I attempted to demonstrate some of the principles necessary for good dialog. The piece is a bit of flash fiction that contained only dialog and really no context with the idea that the reader could figure out the story with just the dialog and no tags. You can read it here http://wp.me/p2Qoij-s5 if you would like to contrast it to what I am about to cover. This post will take the dialog from the last which had no tags and add tags that are totally inappropriate. By inappropriate I don’t mean offensive or derisive but really unnecessary to either the story or the conversation.
The reason I am doing this is to hopefully point out some of the glaring mistakes that new writer’s make in wanting to over explain the situation in a dialog setting. The true test of good dialog is the ability of the writer to separate conversations so that the reader knows exactly who is talking. Also good dialog should move the story along without causing the reader to be forced to stop and think about what the writer has laid out. So here we go.
John Howard by John Howell © 2013
“Can I help you young man?” the woman behind the desk asks.
“Yes I am here to see the president,” I reply with a bit of urgency.
“Is he expecting you?” she says with an eyebrow raised.
“He should be. I sent him a letter and said I was going to stop by,” I respond back with a note of irritation in my voice.
“A letter?” she says with surprise in her voice.
“Yes,” I counter with a sense of superiority
“When did you send a letter?” she questions with some doubtfulness.
“I guess it was about a month ago. The letter asked that my correct name be used since there has been a computer error and the University keeps calling me Howard instead of Howell,” I say almost running out of breath.
“Did Dr. Hannah respond to the letter?” she asks with an interrogator’s tone.
“Yes he did. I got a nice letter back. Here is a copy read it for yourself,” I say handing her the letter.
“Humm. Dr Hannah specifically thanked you for your correspondence and indicated that he would look into your problem. You say that your name is Howell and not Howard?” she says while looking over her glasses.
“Yes it has been Howell for the last nineteen years,” I reply with a certain air of smugness.
“Yet the letter from Dr. Hannah is addressed to John Howard,” she points out handing the letter back to me.
“This is why I need to see him,” I say forcibly.
“Wait here Mr. Howard. Let me see if I can find someone to help,” she says and then turns to go.
“It’s Howell,” I call out to her back.
“Excuse me?” she questions as she stops and slowly turns around to look at me.
“My name is Howell not Howard,” I repeat directly to her.
“Oh yes that is what I said. Howard,” she says and continues to move away.
“Howell,” I say even louder as she gets further from the room.
“I said Howard not Howell,” she calls back to me.
“I know,” I say and sigh loudly.
“Very well Mr. Howard, I will be right back,” she says and begins to move again.
“Howell,” I raise my voice
“I am only trying to help,” she says with an expression of irritation on her face.
“I’m sure,” I sort of blurt out sarcastically.
“I think you should call for an appointment. Good day Mr. Howard,” she says and disappears through the door way behind the desk.
If you found this dialog off setting and somewhat clumsy you are probably on the right track to great dialog in your writing. In my mind (although not an expert) this entire scene did not benefit from any of the stage directions that were added into the tags. I also believe the story itself lost some of the power of authoritarianism and tension that was present in the original.
Have a great weekend
Fiction Favorites 
I managed to get all the way to the second sentence without cringing…
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See what I mean?
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“I was most uncomfortable whilst reading this example,” I, Mister Toynbee, a writer, stated uncomfortably as he read the example.
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Hahaha I love the “I sort of blurt out sarcastically” one.
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Has all the tentativeness that we love so well. Thanks
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Do you know Rich at BrainSnorts? http://brainsnorts.com/ …. he also writes and enjoys writing about writing.
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I am going over there now. Thanks
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Completely cringe-worthy. I love the contrast between the two dialogues and how much better the first one is at conveying the intention.
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Thank you. I was hoping the contrast was there.
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Haha. Nice example, John. It takes me back to some that earlier writing of mine that I’m forever afraid of looking at again.
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That’s why I have a manuscript propping open the laundry room door. It is filled with them.
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Reblogged this on Kori Miller Writes and commented:
Check out John’s take on the use of dialogue tags.
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Thank you so much for the reblog
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You’re welcome!
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I was waiting for the nest ‘staged’ direction, John, … perhaps ‘I raised a metaphorical finger in response to her sarcasm’ .. <em. *cough* 😉 type of thing,… but as you say, overexposure to the action can be off putting and so clumsy for the reader to expereince. .. . Mind you. it raised a huge smile the other side of this laptop screen!! 🙂 xxx
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mind you, … you can also see why I am queen of the typing errors, I count 3 … Wow!!!!!
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I like the concept of ‘nest ‘so after that I ignored the rest
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🙂
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good it should (oops)
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Sigh. Dialogue. The bane of my writing existence.
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I have to work very hard on every line so I know what you mean. I used to be horrible but now maybe I have worked up to terrible. Thanks for the comment
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Ugh…I’m such a novice writer! I will definitely be working on it now that you supplied me with this wonderful example! Thank you, John.
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Yeah. Remember less is more
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[…] Clumsy Dialog is as Clumsy Dialog Does […]
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“I sort of blurt out sarcastically” is my fave! 😉
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Thanks. I wonder how one does that. I’m going to try it sometime
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“I repeat directly to her.” Uh. How would repeating indirectly look like? Ugh, much of cluttered dialogue tagging comes from laziness, as opposed to incompetence—that’s what I think anyway. I don’t know if you’ve read my post about this, “He Said, She Said: Stephen King’s Advice on Dialogue Tags“? I think you have, it’s the one where I pinged back to your “Dialog Is as Dialog Does” as a great example of using zero dialogue tags. This is another great one, John. Very entertaining (if not mildly irritating).
“Keep it up!” he exclaimed with a healthy dose of enthusiasm in his voice. 😉
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Yes I have Thanks. I actually wrote a post a while back where Elmore Leonard said some of the same things as King. My favorite was “If it looks like writing re-write it.”
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Loved it! 🙂 🙂
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Thank you much.
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