This list was created to pay homage to all of you parents who in addition to trying to be an author have the duty to take care of the little ones in your care. I’ve been there and got the shirt.
Ten Things Not to Do While Watching the Kids on an Inclement Day
10 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to write on your novel. If you do, at best you will produce a small number of very disappointing words. At worst, you will face a task as difficult as trying to teach a pig to sing. You and the pig will end up being very frustrated.
9 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to watch anything on TV that isn’t kid programming. If you do, at best you won’t be able to see a thing. At worst, you will answer the door to see CPS agents with a warrant ready to take the kids because of the complaints your neighbors filed due to the non-stop screaming.
8 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not play games on your phone or notebook. If you do, at best the kids will want to play as well. At worst, your attention will be diverted for enough time for the kids to get into every drawer including that secret place where you hide adult toys. (And they will come to you and ask what these are for just when the church group leader stops by for a visit)
7 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to talk on the phone. If you do, at best you must be prepared to hold the kids the whole time. At worst, whoever you are talking to will wonder who is in charge in your home, why you are so mean to your lovable children and what was that crash?
6 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to make anything in the kitchen that doesn’t have the word lunch connected to it. If you do, at best you will have little helpers which will make the project twice as long. At worst, you will invest your time and energy into something that when served contains a stray toy that you swore was safely on the other counter. The person getting the toy contaminated serving will be one of your in laws
5 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to play their favorite game. If you do, at best they will refuse to play since they sense your desperation. At worst, they will pretend their favorite game is avoiding playing their favorite game thereby challenging you to stay away from the soothin’ syrup in the liquor cabinet.
4 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not call the neighbor for help. If you do, at best your neighbor is in as desperate a condition and two problems won’t help. At worst, you will have an IOU which you can never repay other than watching the neighbor’s kids at a time that is most critical for you to be able to work in peace.
3 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not think you can go to the store to kill time. If you do, at best it will take all your strength to keep an even temperament and to return all the items grabbed off the shelves. At worst, you and the kids will be asked to leave the story by the same manager who before today was more than happy to take thousands of dollars when you shopped alone.
2 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not be tempted to lock yourself in the bedroom. If you do at best, the kids will not miss you. At worst, the kids will use the time to act out their ultimate stories including the fire-breathing dragon and jousting tournament using things around the house for props. (You know, like the Crème Brule torch and a broom).
1 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day do not take them to the library. If you do, at best the peace of the library will be shattered since being quiet is an invitation to do otherwise. At worst, you will find the normally placid library patrons and personnel looking like a zombie herd as they slowly circle you and your family. The outcome doesn’t look like it’s going to be good.