Ten Things Not to Do While Watching the Kids on an Inclement Day

TIRED-STUDENT-medium

 

This list was created to pay homage to all of you parents who in addition to trying to be an author have the duty to take care of the little ones in your care. I’ve been there and got the shirt.

Ten Things Not to Do While Watching the Kids on an Inclement Day

10 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to write on your novel. If you do, at best you will produce a small number of very disappointing words. At worst, you will face a task as difficult as trying to teach a pig to sing. You and the pig will end up being very frustrated.

9 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not try to watch anything on TV that isn’t kid programming. If you do, at best you won’t be able to see a thing. At worst, you will answer the door to see CPS agents with a warrant ready to take the kids because of the complaints your neighbors filed due to the non-stop screaming.

8 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not play games on your phone or notebook. If you do, at best the kids will want to play as well. At worst, your attention will be diverted for enough time for the kids to get into every drawer including that secret place where you hide adult toys. (And they will come to you and ask what these are for just when the church group leader stops by for a visit)

7 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to talk on the phone. If you do, at best you must be prepared to hold the kids the whole time. At worst, whoever you are talking to will wonder who is in charge in your home, why you are so mean to your lovable children and what was that crash?

6 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to make anything in the kitchen that doesn’t have the word lunch connected to it. If you do, at best you will have little helpers which will make the project twice as long. At worst, you will invest your time and energy into something that when served contains a stray toy that you swore was safely on the other counter. The person getting the toy contaminated serving will be one of your in laws

5 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not attempt to play their favorite game. If you do, at best they will refuse to play since they sense your desperation. At worst, they will pretend their favorite game is avoiding playing their favorite game thereby challenging you to stay away from the soothin’ syrup in the liquor cabinet.

4 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not call the neighbor for help. If you do, at best your neighbor is in as desperate a condition and two problems won’t help. At worst, you will have an IOU which you can never repay other than watching the neighbor’s kids at a time that is most critical for you to be able to work in peace.

3 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not think you can go to the store to kill time. If you do, at best it will take all your strength to keep an even temperament and to return all the items grabbed off the shelves. At worst, you and the kids will be asked to leave the story by the same manager who before today was more than happy to take thousands of dollars when you shopped alone.

2 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day, do not be tempted to lock yourself in the bedroom. If you do at best, the kids will not miss you. At worst, the kids will use the time to act out their ultimate stories including the fire-breathing dragon and jousting tournament using things around the house for props. (You know, like the Crème Brule torch and a broom).

1 If you are watching the kids on an inclement day do not take them to the library. If you do, at best the peace of the library will be shattered since being quiet is an invitation to do otherwise. At worst, you will find the normally placid library patrons and personnel looking like a zombie herd as they slowly circle you and your family. The outcome doesn’t look like it’s going to be good.

16 comments

  1. Sacrifice a TV and hand them their favorite DVD’s. It’s the only path to survival. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on 1WriteWay and commented:
    No doubt this Top Ten list of things not to do by John Howell will resonate with all of you authors who are also parents of small children 🙂

    Like

  3. Loved #8 – just how autobiographical is this, John? LOL

    Like

    1. There always is a little history in these. Thanks for the comment Pamela.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Great post John. Sounds like some kids I know, too well 🙂 I have given over my iPad to the four year old and the two year old hates me, so all I need to do is sit down somewhere…he screams at the door for his mom the whole time he is with me, and peeks around the corner quietly every 15 minutes or so to make certain I’m still there. God only knows what the neighbors think.

    Like

    1. LOL. This was great. I can see you there.

      Like

  5. Oh dear, I’m almost glad my grandkids are old enough now to play with their tablet and iPad and aren’t interested in anything I have to share. 😀 😀
    I DO remember the days when, though.

    Like

    1. There seems to be a line that gets drawn and then well all stand around wishing one of them would talk to us.

      Like

      1. I don’t push as hard now. Waste of time. When they do talk, we finally have a good conversation instead of huh.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Haha. #1 Is awesome. Been on both sides of that sort of day.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is great, John! I have some friends who need to read #7. They call me and I end up listening to them yelling at their kids.

    Like

  8. Oh boy, most of these seem familiar and the ones that don’t will likely be experienced a few years down the road! At the end of the day, though, a little smile and a coo makes it worth the trouble. 😉

    Like

  9. Author Tamie Dearen · ·

    Nice post, John! Thanks for visiting on Traci’s blog. Her site won’t let me comment for some reason. LOL!

    Like

    1. Thank you, Tamie.

      Like

  10. Sorry, John. I’m just getting a chance to catch up on my blog followings. Very funny post here! It describes exactly why I can’t get much media/marketing time during the day. I take care of children ages 2-4 every day:) Thankfully, they are napping right now! Thanks for sharing this. It gave me a laugh today!

    Like

    1. So glad it made you laugh. Kids can do the smae but sometimes adult humor is good when kid humor falls flat (like eight hours into it)

      On Wed, Nov 19, 2014 at 12:14 PM, Fiction Favorites wrote:

      >

      Like

%d bloggers like this: