Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Oscar Ceremony

Since yesterday was Oscar Sunday I thought it would be nice to provide all you Oscar nominees (You know Best Screenplay from a novel) with a list of what not to do if you should attend the Oscar ceremonies. This list was inspired by witnessing several cringe-worthy moments during previous Oscar broadcasts. I hope you enjoy it (and heed the warnings when it is your time to accept)

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Oscar Ceremony
10 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not look at your seat mate and mouth the words out loud that belong to the initials NFW. If you do at best, the bleep and commentators comments will stay on YouTube for half a century. At worst, the FAA will present you with a bill representing the fine for a worldwide violation of on air decency along with instructions on how to answer the charges levied by no less than thirty countries.
9 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not rely on the tape applied to your daring dress by the designer to withstand the jumping up and down associated with the excitement of the win. If you do, at best you might have to react quickly to stay covered. At worst, you might have a wardrobe malfunction that happens so quickly the network is not able to eliminate it from the broadcast that is being viewed by your entire family including great grandpa Jerkins who has been known to use the switch on the kids when they are bad.
8 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and win an Oscar, do not carry a cheat sheet with all the names of the people you have to thank. If you do, at best you will look like someone who has no idea who to thank. At worst, you will miss someone you should have included on the list and they will hate you forever.
7 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to present, a category make sure you know how to pronounce everyone’s name. If you don’t at best, you will make a small mistake no one recognizes. At worst, you will mispronounce a name or two and the video will be the one chosen to be sent into space as the iconic non-verbal depiction of a buffoon on Earth.
6 If you attend the Oscar ceremony and are to walk the red carpet, do not fall down. If you do, at best you will have to answer reporter’s questions continually all night about “your accident” as if you had wet your pants. At worst, the video will be made into a gif and will loop on the Today show website for a year
5 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not allow anyone to over-serve you. If you do, at best you will make some small mistakes that only your mother will notice. At worst, during your big moment you will take the opportunity to explain to the audience and the rest of the world how schuper schuper happy you are ta be part of the wonder-ful Hollywoot shoe and how y’wissh ta thank allllllll the little little people who schacrificed to get you where you are now.(no typos here all intended Sally) Your performance will be nominated to be the new public service announcement for a twelve step program.
4 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think Dick Pope will be at all entertained with any Dick Poop mentions. If you mention the unfortunate flub by Cheryl Boone Isaacs at best, you might just get a cold stare. At worst, you could be the recipient of a knuckle sandwich coming out of nowhere and without any mayo.
3 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think you should wear anything other than formal wear. If you wear something else, At best most attendees will assume you work in the kitchen. At worst, the jokes said behind your back will end up on the David Letterman show, and you will be asked to appear in the outfit you wore Oscar night. (Believe me no one is laughing with you)
2 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not think wearing an experimental hair style will make you noticed in a positive way. If you do, at best your hairstyle will a topic on the next “what not to wear at the Oscars” edition of Here’s Hollywood. At worst, someone will want to touch the creation, and you will allow them to do so since you think they are a big producer only to find out later they parked the cars.
1 If you attend the Oscar ceremony, do not try to get yourself in front of every camera. If you do, at best the producer will switch cameras the minute they see you on the monitor. At worst, although you thought each shot was magnificent, it appears you had a piece of spinach from the oysters Rockefeller stuck in your front teeth that made you look like a character out of the movie Deliverance.

27 comments

  1. A few celebrities came to mind with 6 and 7. I’m wondering how many of these actually happened last night since I wasn’t watching.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think most. 🙂

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  2. I stopped watching the Oscars a long time ago, but, after reading your list, maybe I should resume. Sounds like it would be funnier than the 40th anniversary of SNL 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gets pretty laughable. The Pope Poop was the best.

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  3. […] If you’re a follower of my blog, you’re likely a writer with dreams of hitting it big.  Maybe even a screenplay worthy of an Oscar nomination.  If you are, then prepare yourself and read John Howell’s Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Oscar Ceremony. […]

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Marie

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  4. You had me laughing from the start, John. Number six would be me…I’m a klutz. Great list! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t watch the Oscars or follow celebrities, but you had me laughing. Good job!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is all that counts

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I think we can add, “Do not strip down to your tighty whities…” Ugh!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That was odd wasn’t it

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  7. Drat, this is the second year I didn’t watch the Oscars. I missed all that? o_O

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You also missed a strip to the brief episode.

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      1. Whatever! At least I hit my pillow at a decent time and caught extra zzzz’s. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Bethany Drew · ·

    Oh my gosh!!! Best top ten yet! I laughed so much!! Good job!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Alpha fan 🙂

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  9. I don’t know how anyone could call some of those dresses “formal wear.” Many of them either showed their underwear or revealed their lacking unmentionables……..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess it should be called formerly wear. 🙂

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  10. aFrankAngle · ·

    I didn’t watch much this year … fell asleep … but not have been the year of the cleavage.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Was the year of the brief though.

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      1. aFrankAngle · ·

        For whatever reason, certainly not fate, I saw that bit.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lucky you. Eyedrops might help

        Liked by 1 person

      3. aFrankAngle · ·

        Or more cleavage.

        Liked by 1 person

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