Top Ten Things Not to do on July Fourth

American flag flying in the wind

American flag flying in the wind

Since this weekend is the Fourth of July holiday, I hunted my archives to find last year’s list so I could just duplicate it and call it a day. I found out very quickly that I didn’t do a fourth of July top ten list last year or the year before or ever. So as if to imitate the old saying “work is the curse of the drinking class” I had to get on the keyboard and create something. I hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do on July Fourth

10 On July, Fourth do not keep saying Happy Birthday America since everyone knows that. If you do, at best you will get repeated eye rolls (suspect you wouldn’t care). At worst, you will notice yourself alone much of the day.

9 On July, Fourth do not bake a cake and put candles on top. If you do, at best no one will be able to blow them out. (There are supposed to be 239 of them not including the one to grow on) At worst, you will find someone to blow them out along with the side wall of your dining room.

8 On July Fourth do not think beer was made to be rendered extinct. If you do, at best your body will give you some dramatic warning signs that it is time to go home. At worst you will ignore those signs and have some lovely “did I really say that?” moments the next day.

7 On July Fourth do not think you can avoid the kiddie tricycle parade (especially if your next door neighbor is the organizer). If you do, at best your kids will think you should be turned into the government as an anarchist (they won’t know what that means) At worst, the Homeland Security Agent will find the story very amusing while he fills out your extradition papers to Guantanamo.

6 On July, Fourth do not put red, white and blue food dye in anything. (Although it might be tempting) If you do, at best your party goers will look like the before photo of the Orthodontist. At worst someone will laugh out loud at a joke just after a full gulp of your doctored brew in front of your new white silk couch. (You can imagine how the red, white and blue through the nose pattern spray effect do not go with the glove gray chair and ottoman.

5 On July, Fourth do not invite your boss to your house for a cookout. If you do, at best no matter what you cook they will be allergic to it. At worst the allergy is one of those things that can only be stopped with an emergency ball point pen to the trachea. (Your boss will not take kindly to the blue ink throat tattoo even though it was a lifesaver).

4 On July, Fourth do not be the one to authorize fireworks in front of your house. If you do, at best the rest of the neighborhood will disappear when the police arrive. (Leaving you to explain the smoldering remains of what looks like World War III) At worst, the direction of the fireworks will have a trajectory such that ground zero for landing will be your roof. (Where much excitement and the fire department will be concentrated).

3 On July, Fourth do not volunteer to host the block party this year. If you do at best, you will hope the home makeover will be cheaper this year. At worst, you will be denied a Federal designation of a disaster area and not be eligible for relief funds.

2 On July, Fourth do not allow the grill master to be in charge no matter how many feelings get hurt. If you do, at best the char on everything can be removed with little effect. At worst, you will be calling for pizza delivery right after the call to the fire department.

1 On July, Fourth do not think that a couple of more drinks will not do you any harm. If you do, at best just the fact that you have rationalized a couple more will haunt you tomorrow. At worst, you will wake up tomorrow making the same promise not to do that ever again and asking someone to shoot you. (They won’t of course)

56 comments

  1. Excellent list. Pretty sure #10 is dangerous to say around any Brits too. 🙂

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    1. LOL. Thanks for that this a.m.

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      1. You’re welcome. Have a fun day.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Great list John! Number 4 reminded me of the 4th of July three years ago. Our clubhouse in the neighborhood burned to the ground that night. They never were able to determine the cause. Since then, I’m paranoid when I hear the sounds of fireworks going off.

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    1. OMG. Must have been a shock.

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      1. I think it was arson…but that’s my suspicious nature. 🙂

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      2. I think you are right. Damn homeowners kids

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      3. Ha ha! I’ll be off WP for the next couple weeks, John…so don’t think that I’m bailing out on your blog. Have a great 4th of July.

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  3. The block party advice is good all 365. Great list John.

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    1. Thanks Dan. Happy Fourth.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Great list. One of the specific times I avoid alcohol. My dogs go bonkers on the fourth and do weird things like pee the floor and hide. They tremble, shake and whine. It terrorizes them. Poor doggies.

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    1. It is so hard to comfort them. Nothing seems to help. Gotta wish people would forget fireworks or the police would do their job.

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  5. Great list, John! I’ve got my fingers crossed that no neighbors will be setting off fireworks this year. For one, it’s illegal to do in the ‘burbs. For another, it freaks out our cats 😦

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  6. Good advice. I think we’ll stay in and watch Quentin Tarantino movies…

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    1. Love his movies. Good idea.

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  7. 😀 😀 😀 Hilarious list, John. Best not to go anywhere near fireworks is my feeling. 😦
    Canadians will celebrate Canada Day, on Wednesday, July 1st. That calls for fireworks as well

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    1. Fire in the hole eh?

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      1. Something like that, especially if I’m in the vicinity. 😛

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  8. I had to laugh at number 5. That is so true! Of he or she will turn out to be a vegan and you’ve served all the wrong food.

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    1. We had a guest (not boss) who was lactose intolerant, a vegan and a wheat allergy. Wanted to shoot myself.

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  9. Ah, the annual fireworks spectacle. My poor dog hates this time of year — the sudden explosions, the flashes of light, and oohing and aahing seem to remind him of thunderstorms, which he hates. I’m telling you, it makes for one nervous pooch! Super list, John!

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    1. My departed Silky Terrier was so afraid she would shake and pant until the noise went away. This is the first year she won’t have to face the spectacle. (One of the few peaceful thoughts about her passing)

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      1. So sorry about your doggie. I cried for months after my Spitz died. They’re so much a part of our families and depend on us for so much that we become joined at the hip. I’m sure she won’t have fireworks at the Rainbow Bridge!

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      2. I still have trouble writing or talkng about her and it is almost a year.

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  10. Can’t imagine a cake with that many candles. Headed to The Frio River on Friday through Wednesday of next week. So much can and probably will go wrong. Your lists are always chuckle worthy.

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    1. The mighty Frio. Have fun. (not too much barley pop now.)

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      1. (Naw. I’m far too aware of the possible rushing rapids for that nonsense. Kids to watch out for, too.) Maybe a couple. 🙂

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      2. Sounds fun. I used to watch the floaters on the Guadalupe and looked relaxing .

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      3. Texans make everything look relaxing.

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      4. You are right. Overheard “Hey friend. I wish I could get up from this here rocking chair so’s I could kick your ass.” Pretty relaxed. Response “Don’t bother I’ll kick it for you.”

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      5. Giggles. Yep, and then thanks you for the ass kickin’. Sums it up perfectly, I think.

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  11. A long time ago, my family used to celebrate the 4th on the Colorado river. There were homes on both sides and things used to get pretty wild. You would be dodging bottle rockets and mortars from both sides until the wee hours of the morning. Our own little Revolutionary War re-enactment, you could say…

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    1. Before we moved form San Antonio our daughter was hit by a rocket and our roof covered with ashes.

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  12. Fun list. No celebrating here but I’ll keep it in mind.

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    1. True. Could apply to a fiesta or two

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  13. Enjoy the fireworks, beer, and food, John. I hope you (or anyone else) don’t end up covered in blue and red food colouring. Just don’t sneeze when eating!

    Happy ‘fourth of July ‘to you.

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    1. Thank you. Hope to keep my head down.

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  14. Do not swim with alligators……..though I’ve done it on the fourth……..

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    1. Good advice for any day. You should tell us about swimming with alligators.

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  15. (#7…) Groan… I just remembered little parade in our community. It’s mostly 20-something year old moms pushing baby carriages. I thought about putting the cat in a carriage, but i think they have an age limit.
    Wishing you a truly wonder-filled Fourth. Hugs!

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    1. Age limit (LOL) I hope your fourth is fab as well

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      1. LOL. Yeah… I don’t fit any of the “requirements” for my community. And I never fit the dress code (i.e. DC Drab, as i call it. You should see the looks a turquoise dress gets.) The parade would probably scatter in all directions, running for their lives if I joined, baby strollers bumping across the speed humps. Hummm…. maybe i will at that. 😈 Hugs.

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      2. You need to live here. You would resemble a more conservative look. Most folks here look like they fell off a Mardi Gras float or pirate ship.

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  16. Ha! Love it — “look like they fell off a Mardi Gras float or pirate ship.” I think you should do one of your dialogue stories about that. 😀

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    1. A request to be fulfilled. Depending on the prompt for Saturday I’ll give it a try.

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  17. I hope you enjoy the holiday celebrations 🙂

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    1. Thank you. Need to thank our Empire cousins for the opportunity.

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  18. A tidbit on hosting the block party. This happened in our old neighborhood. The neighbor across the street started and hosted the block party for several years before moving. Once they moved, I told the new owners they were responsible for hosting the July 4th party … they didn’t, but stayed less than a year … New owners – I told them the same thing … they hosted for several years.

    The house would turn over every 3-5 years … and I continued and all bit!

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    1. Ha ha ha. Great story. Thanks.

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      1. I always told the new owners when I first met them …. Such as, “Did the closing including information that this is the house hosting the Fourth of July party?”

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      2. They bit like fish going after bait.

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      3. I know how that is

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