Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Fair

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Since it is summer, and there are a number of fairs and carnivals I thought it would be a good idea to provide a list of things not to do in case you plan on visiting one or more. The inspiration for this list is some fair visits and watching a number of people do what should not be done. Hope you enjoy

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Fair.

10 If you go to the fair and must take a shuttle from the parking lot, do not start singing the Trolley Song from Meet me in St Louis. If you do, at best the crowd will groan at the cliché.  At worst, you will forget the words beyond “clang clang clang went the trolley” and look like an idiot. (Hint its “ding ding ding went the bell”)

9 If you go to the fair, do not put your kids on leashes as if they were pets. If you do, at best you will find folks tripping over the lines. At worst, the kids may decide to play as if they are dogs and lift a leg at an inopportune time.

8 If you go to the fair, do not walk around while stuffing your face with fair goodies. If you do, at best you might not notice the ketchup running down your arm and alarm others who think you’ve been wounded. At worst, you’ll resemble some of the exhibits in the swine barn. (The plus side you might win a ribbon)

7 If you go to the fair, do not fall for the deep-fried novelties booth. If you do, at best you will hate yourself in the morning. At worst, you will jeopardize your expensive dental work on the deep-fried Snickers bar. (On second thought it might be worth it)

6 If you go to the fair, do not pay money to have someone guess your weight. If you do, at best even if the guesser is wrong the world now knows how much you weigh. At worst, the guesser will get your weight exactly right and, unfortunately, will announce to the crowd that he wasn’t sure, so he added ten pounds to his guess. (And you did not get a kupee doll)

5 If you go to the fair, do not ride the ride where everyone is screaming. If you do, at best you will get a sore throat from your own screaming. At worst, you will make a complete fool out of yourself crying and begging the operator to let you off. (And this is before the ride starts)

4 If you go to the fair, do not think the house of fun is fun. If you do, at best you will be surprised at all the screaming and find it is you. At worst, you will have trouble holding onto that 32-ounce big gulp you just finished. (And it’s not the cup we are talking about)

3 If you go to the fair, do not think you will win a lot of stuffed animals at the midway. If you do, at best you will finally figure out the games are not winnable by ordinary people. At worst, you will spend way more that the value of the animal you eventually win. (Of course you can always keep trying and  invest enough that you could have used to buy a car)

2 If you do to the fair, do not announce in a loud voice how stinky you think the barns smell. If you do, at best you might get a few frowns. At worst, you might be invited outside for a chat by Daniel Yoder the national tractor throwing champ. (He will want to find out what part of cow poop you don’t like)

1 If you go to the fair, and hear the word “stampede” do not stand there and wonder what it means. If you do, at best the herd will take the next aisle. At worst, you will be faced with a bunch of panicked cows or horses who will be more than happy to continue the same course whether you are in the way or not. (Those hooves are hard)

32 comments

  1. LOL. I’m still laughing about the leashed kids lifting a leg. 😀
    Have a great week, John. Hugs

    1. I’m just sayin’. Have a great week as well. Hugs back.

  2. What if it’s a bunny stampede? Then again, I’ve seen some pretty huge bunnies. I’ve never been to a real fair, so I only know rumors about the deep fried foods. Some terrifying, horrible rumors.

    1. If it were a stampede of the kind of jack rabbits we have around here, it would still be a good idea to get out of the way. Thanks.

      1. I’ve never seen a jack rabbit in person. On TV they look pretty intimidating.

      2. When they stand of their hind legs they look like a kangaroo

  3. Fried dough sprinkled with cinnamon sugar!!!! Always a long line for that when I went to the fair as a kid (and that’s going back a long ways, long before anyone thought to deep-fry a Snickers bar). Great list, John. I love the kids on a leash one, too 🙂

    1. Thanks Marie. I remember the fried dough. (yum) 🙂

  4. OK John, I am in violation of rules 8,7, 5 and 3. In addition to that, you are now responsible for an upcoming post where I will share a story about one of those crimes.

    1. Excellent. Do tell all. 🙂

  5. My daughter wants leashes for her youngest two. I could see Sebastian lifting his leg! Too funny.

    1. No underwear will encourage them to do just that..

  6. Very funny stuff, John! I was wondering why I haven’t been getting your posts in my inbox for a while. I realized when I changed email accounts, I had forgotten to re-subscribe to your blog with that one 🙂 Glad to be back!

    1. Welcome back Traci. I’m really liking your ‘Must be an author series.”

  7. If you go to the fair, don’t go on the Meteorite, a spinning vertical cage that holds you against the inside like you’re in a washing machine on spin cycle and then tilts sideways.
    No, don’t go on that, especially when you’ve just witnessed what happens to projectile vomit when it’s ejected into a horizontal spinning vortex of screaming people.

    1. I will take this as the best advice of the day. I promise not to go on that thing.

  8. I also see plenty of people who are “over-served,” as you like to put it, at the fair. Good times…good times.

    1. The other side of that is under brained. Thanks

  9. Perfect timing for this one, John! And I’m right there with you on the leashes for children (what was somebody thinking??!)

    1. It is strange to see that. I always carried mine.

  10. Let’s hope fairgoers read this list before heading to the fair this summer. I agree about point 3 particularly – The BB guns always have bent barrels and it’s impossible to win a prize, at least that is how it was when I was a kid.

    1. Can you say “hey Rube?”

  11. Winning a ribbon would be the most fun, you know. Giggle. Corn dog? 🙂 Okay, funnel cake.

    1. Yeah, funnel cake.

  12. I’ll definitely suffer from #7 and #6 this year. I can’t help myself. It’s the only time of the year I let myself indulge in deep-fried everything, because, hey, you only live once (and that’s a guarantee with that kind of diet)…

    1. You go! Once a year can’t hurt

  13. What? No deep-fried Twinkees? No funnel cakes? No bacon strip dipped in chocolate?

    1. Go ahead. You are young enough.

      1. I like all those!

  14. This was hysterical, John! I was cracking up at #10…Meet Me in St. Louis is one of my favorite movies. I know all the words to that song. 🙂

    1. Good. You can sing it then

      1. I can’t carry a tune. 😦

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